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This week in kink: September 17, 2018

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“Displaying Art” by Sir Render
Original reference from www.superbound.com
Model Victoria

Learn how to make consent sexy from Mistress Velvet

Click here to read more

“A Present” by Sir Render
Original reference by petite deviant.tumblr.com

There are so many differences between what 50 Shades perpetuates and what BDSM is really about

Click here to learn more about these differences to ensure you are always practicing healthy BDSM/kink

“Bound by Love” by Sir Render
Original reference www.fanrin.tumblr.com

Don’t miss this exclusive interview with Shawné Michaelain Holloway, an artist whose work often includes BDSM themes

Click here to check it out!

By Sir Render
Original image reference provided by friend and muse Kate (instagram@intoxik8ing)

Some find BDSM to be a form of meditation that promotes mindfulness

Click here to find out what a Dominatrix has to say about this

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tips to avoid burnout in your BDSM relationship

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As many of my readers know – and many here at kinkweekly.com – I am in a long-term D/s relationship. Although we are talking more than seven years, it has not been a totally smooth ride. As with all relationships, arguments, tension and boredom enter when you least expect them. That is the bad news. The good news is that – as opposed to vanilla dynamics – it is much easier to right a ship sailing the BDSM waters. Clearly in a true Master/slave dynamic, there is more inherent honesty than its vanilla counterpart. As a personal example, I was in Las Vegas a number of years ago. I met some girl and spent the night. The next morning my submissive called and asked me what I was doing.  I told her I spent a night with a women and my sub said, “Was she hot?” No arguments, no questioning, no insecurity. “Next time can you call me so I can listen,” she added. A vanilla girl more than likely would have torn my head off. But this doesn’t mean that BDSM solves all problems. But a solid, honest, negotiated hierarchy helps. But what if it is simple boredom that is a problem, what in vanilla terms is called “the Seven Year Itch?”

Many longer term D/s couples (and short term couples, too) often suffer from what I call “BDSM burnout.” Why burnout happens is simple enough. Domming (and subbing) ain’t easy. It takes work, energy and time. Sometimes the BDSM relationship can start to become a chore rather than a joy. It can be the submissive who has “had it up to here” with pleasing her Dominant. It can be the Dominant who finds that the effort he/she must put into being the Master/Mistress outweighs the rewards. It can be a combination of the two. However it happens, here are some very effective remedies I can suggest.

Go to a dungeon play party. By attending a dungeon party, you solve three problems at once. First of all, you get away from your house, your phones and your chores for a night. The atmosphere is so far removed from your day-to-day life, you can escape into the world of BDSM effortlessly. Secondly, you can pick up on the energy of the other players. Thirdly, you can observe new ways to play that might inspire you. This is a win/win/win proposition; you might even solve most of your problems in one night!

If you had written a slave diary, both of you should read it. I always recommend that the slave write a diary chronicling his/her play experiences. If you were fortunate enough to have done this, just re-read them and see what got you off – and what didn’t. You can then easily recreate the best of your past scenes. If you did not write one, it might be time to start one now. Should your relationship hit another snag, you will appreciate having a roadmap back.

Boredom busters. It is easy to get bored doing anything. “Filet mignon, filet mignon…not filet mignon again!” Defeating boredom actually takes work. (This is where I agree with the “Dr. FullOfIt” types.) If it is simply a question of being bored with your play, you must put in the effort and master new techniques. For example, if you are into hand spanking, learn to use a cane. If you are into rope bondage, learn more exotic skills like Shibari. If you usually eschew pain, experiment with some very light pain. These types of approaches will definitely introduce excitement into your BDSM life.

Buy new toys. Go through a BDSM catalogue and pick up some toys. You’d be surprised how a new item can fire up your play. There is usually a toy featured on the kinkweekly.com homepage. Click on it. See, that was easy!  

Discuss without protocols. Have a frank discussion without any D/s protocols. The submissive should not be afraid of speaking out; the Dominant should not be afraid of looking un-Domly. What exactly were the cornerstones of your original enthusiasm? Are either of you not pulling your BDSM weight? What particular sequences turned you on or off to D/s? A super-honest dialogue is often all you need.

Don’t be afraid to change your protocols. Nothing is written in stone. If you had protocols you now ignore – resurrect them. If you have maintained some that now bore you – replace them.

Take a break. Try stopping all D/s and BDSM for a month or two. Taking a break – and starting up fresh later on – may just do the trick.

Hire a pro Domme. Many commercial dungeons, like Sanctuary L.A., offer reasonably priced sessions which can be both exciting and instructive.

Think outside the box — switch. There is nothing wrong with trying something completely different. Change can be very exciting!

With just a little work, you can once again have “intense scenes and highly connective play.” And, you will likely find your BDSM interactions to be even more intense the second time around!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Tips for New Dom/mes

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eva9Mistress Eva-https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

Last week’s edition of kinkweekly.com featured a great video, “The Top Five Myths About BDSM.” Our editors stated, “We highly recommend beginners watch this video.” Since there are many new people entering our lifestyle, and everyone was a beginner once, I wanted to expand on this theme.

And voila! Here are my Top Fifteen Tips for newbie Dominants. (The more advanced among you might use this as a refresher course!)  Not all of them will apply to you; use the relevant, discard the irrelevant. But taken in totality, they will make your BDSM journey a lot more enjoyable.

Pull it in a notch.  Being a newbie Dom or Domme, there is a natural tendency to work a little too hard at coming across as confident, assertive and masterful. Granted, these are traits that are in every Dominant’s arsenal — but only after he/she learns the ropes; it cannot be faked. Often trying too hard to “be the Dom/me” loses the day and you can end up sounding insecure, pretentious and obnoxious. Better to pull it in a notch than be a blowhard. (Old school, but I love that word!) That is very un-Domly.

Everyone was a newbie once.  Don’t get bent out of shape if you go to a social, party or some other BDSM function and you are a newbie. Don’t be ashamed of being a newbie. Remember, everyone was a newbie once, myself included. Look at it as a learning experience and have fun with it.  

Be honest.  Be honest with yourself and with others. The best way to learn things from fellow Doms and Dommes is to tell them you are new and pick their brains. You can’t use the brain pick if you claim to know everything. And don’t lie to submissives about your experience, even if they, too, are newbies. Submissives have great Dom-radar and can flush out a fake pretty quickly. Once found out, you will find your reputation damaged. With the huge propensity for gossip among human beings, the word spreads pretty quickly.  Especially negative words!

Find one area in BDSM play that interests you and try to become an expert.  For example, if rope bondage turns you on, learn all you can about it. Maybe you can’t master all the types of BDSM play at once, but you can become quite proficient in one area pretty quickly.  

Play safely.  A pretty obvious tip. Make sure you know all about safe words and BDSM scene negotiations before you play for the first time. Always err on the side of safety when you first scene. If the sub doesn’t safe, if you think you have gone too far, stop. Talk to the sub and make sure he/she is OK. Even if the sub says all is fine, but you believe the limit has been reached, end the scene. After all, you are the Dom/me.

Know yourself.  Since the range of BDSM activities is so wide, the more you can get in touch with what you really, really, really want, the easier it will be to choose a sub whom you totally connect with.

Read, read, and read.  Read everything you can about BDSM.  There are tons of articles here on kinkweekly.com and all over the Internet. You can never have too much BDSM knowledge.  

Learn from your mistakes.  If you mess up a scene, learn from those mistakes. As they say, you can’t make an omelet without breaking an egg. You can’t learn to scene skillfully without ruining some along the way.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Patience is the key to becoming a Dom/me. You can’t become a Dom/me, especially a good one, overnight. Another aspect of patience is giving your submissive time to submit. Many subs can’t give of themselves until they fully trust their Dom/me. And you can’t build trust overnight.  

Know that you don’t know.  Although I didn’t end this tip with “my young apprentice,” this yoda-esque advice will serve you well.  Humility can be a very Domly trait.

Go to a play party and don’t play.  Find out where the local dungeon parties are (there are commercial BDSM clubs in most cities) and go to one — but don’t scene. Just observe. See how others do it before you attempt it yourself.  

Offline isn’t online.  Online, every sub usually calls every Dom “Sir,” sight unseen.  But on your first BDSM “date,” don’t expect the submissive to instantly Sir you up. Respect is earned. If you insist on instant submission, you will usually get instant rejection. Refer back to Tip #1.

Don’t assume, ask.  Just because someone says they are submissive, take this as a starting point, not the end point. There are so many differences in submission; one Dom/me’s slave is another Dom/me’s brat. Be inquisitive. What are his/her favorite scenes?  Does he/she want to be a 24/7 slave or a weekend play partner? Is he/she into pain and to what level? Don’t ever assume anything; ask questions and find out where the submissive is coming from.

Respect the game.  The best way to succeed at any game is to respect it. Don’t try to be a “fake Dom/me” just to get over. Really get into BDSM and try to become the “best Dom/me you can be.” I truly believe a person who plays golf in the low eighties has more fun than someone who duffs around and shoots over a hundred. Same here. If you really respect BDSM, and in turn earn respect from others, you will find out how rewarding it can be.

Don’t forget aftercare. After your first good scene, look after your submissive. Don’t scene and run!

These are my Top Fifteen Tips for newbie Dom/mes.  I hope this makes your BDSM journey a safe and enjoyable one.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Slave Training

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No one becomes skilled at something without hard work and training. This goes for those in the Vanilla and Kink Community.

The main difference between Kink and Vanilla training is that when done correctly Kink training is clearly defined, has a set goal (usually given by the D type), and is tracked throughout the training process. Training usually occurs for the betterment of the s type, the dynamic, and/or to ensure the D type’s comfort/satisfaction.

Also, in the Kink Community, s types who go into training give consent to be trained. Once consent is given, the D type is able to begin the training process that he/she feels will yield the best results.

In the vanilla community, this is very rarely the case. In the vanilla community (unless for a job/company) training is usually more subtle, is driven by the individual doing the training, and is not “required” to exist in a vanilla relationship. 

To me, this is why many vanilla individuals remain much more stagnant than many kink individuals (simply due to the fact that no one is requiring them to train themselves). Slave or kink training is driven by another person who holds you accountable. Just like having a personal trainer, teacher, boss, which is why it is more effective.

Just to be clear, slave training is not about someone barking orders at you or trying to change you entirely. It’s about trying to make you into your best self and/or help you achieve the relationship that you consented to.

Training requires D types to understand that progress takes time. D types during training should be firm, but fair, just, and understanding. Encouragement and praise should be given when appropriate.

I feel it is important for the s type to understand the value of the skill he/ she is training on (this requires the D type explaining the benefit of the skill/training), and have some idea of the training plan the D type is going to implement. I do not feel it is beneficial for s types to be left entirely in the dark. Can D types choose to leave some things out? Sure!  However,  I think some kind of conversation should take place.

It could be beneficial to have “sacred space” every week at a certain and for a certain duration of time where the s type can ask questions, and the D and s type can check in with one another and discuss how training is going. The more clarity brought to the training process from all perspectives, the more effective the training will be. The clearer you are with your expectations, the more success the s type is likely to have  throughout training as well.

D types also need to be consistent throughout training, and follow through with what they say they are going to do. Bluffing and/or empty threats are never conducive for long term results.

Also, as I mentioned previously, tracking progress throughout the training process is beneficial as well. It might be helpful to track progress of a target behavior before the training process has even begun, in order to give your s type objective data as to why said behavior needs to be modified via training. The more information the D type can gather, the more informed he/she will be, which will enable the D type to better determine where they should lead the s type next.

Trust is also paramount for training to be most effective. This requires the s type feeling like the D type will not cross any hard limits/ will keep them safe, is honest with the s type, is consistent, is reliable, has a clear vision throughout training, is intelligent, etc.

Training can also be very bonding and bring those in a dynamic closer together. Training itself reinforces the dynamic as well. When implemented healthily and correctly, it can really get one that much closer to the dynamic one envisions.

Since training calls for all parties to be attentive, hard working, and to hold themselves accountable (D types to not only hold themselves accountable,but to hold their s types accountable too), it can help show your partner(s) how much you care about the relationship. It can also provide a way for the s type to show their dedication and commitment to wanting to please/serve their D type.

I hope this has given everyone some important things to think about concerning training. Next week I will go into specific methods of training.

As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She will be teaching all over the Los Angeles area this year and will also be presenting two workshops at the BDSM Writers Con in Seattle and New York.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Fetlife – Slave_Bunny992

Beginner’s Corner: What Am I?

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Everyone was a beginner once. And in order to welcome newbies into our community, I will, from time to time, write articles aimed at those who are entering the lifestyle. Like this one!

I recently received a question that stated a newbie was intrigued by the lifestyle, but had no idea what she was – Domme, sub or switch. Or something else! By the question, it is clear that she was unsure what she wanted to be in BDSM. You might say she was asking, “Who am I?”

Often, it is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out about where one lies in the BDSM continuum.

Step 1: Get in touch with what you really want.

As I said many times here on kinkweekly.com, be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. One way to find this out is to peruse the BDSM checklists that are included in many of my articles. (Plug, plug!) They will give you an idea of the range of play and will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want.

Step 2: Go to a play party and just observe.

Since being a voyeur is an accepted kink, there is nothing wrong in just observing. You might see some type of play that you hadn’t thought of – like rope bondage – which might turn you on. As the twentieth century philosopher, Yogi Berra, said, “You can observe a lot just by watching!”

Step 3: Explore Your BDSM Fantasies.

If you have BDSM fantasies – and I am sure you do — decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a big difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

For example, a very popular BDSM fantasy is to own a sex slave. If that turns you on, tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Domme, but rather look for someone who is into learning with you. If you fantasize about subbing, look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what excites you, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But fret not; as I said in the opening paragraph, everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom, sub or switch – and not some abstract idea of what you want to be.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies. Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that, “You cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”  Using this precept, you can try both Topping and bottoming; the Old Guard would be proud of you!

Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for the experience. If you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Long Distance D/s

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pexels-photo-907596

As the Internet turns twenty, more or less, we should address the popularity of long distance D/s relationships. For the most part, the days of “Master, twenty-seven years old with twenty-five years experience looking for submissive” are gone. With technology like Skype, Duo, Facetime and webcamming, among others, it is fairly easy to get a handle on what your long-distance party is or is not. Thus are born a myriad of LDR’s that can approximate many of the aspects of a proximate D/s relationship. That is the good news.

The bad news is that, when you are in a long distance Dom/me-sub relationship, it can often be difficult to maintain the power exchange that is at the heart of such an arrangement.

The D/s dynamic is relatively easy to maintain when the Dom/me and sub are proximate.  The Dom/me gives an order and can quickly evaluate how the sub obeys. Punishment or reward might be called for; the Dom/me can make an instant assessment of the situation.  But, the principles of consistency and swiftness of reward and punishment that apply to live-in Master/slave relationships do not necessarily translate to long-distance relationships; in-person Dominance can be hard to duplicate. There can be time delays in the Dom/me’s discovering infractions, just as there can be interruptions in meting out the actual punishment; these obstacles can even result in unintended misunderstandings.  Thus, you might be wise for both parties to cut a little slack in all interactions when in a LDR. Murphy’s Law – “What can go wrong, will go wrong” – is in full effect in LDR’s!

In a long-distance BDSM relationship, the following concerns, ones that might be easily overlooked in a local liaison, must be addressed. And, they should be dealt with as quickly as possible. (If you have already covered these points, then you should be less worried about your relationship.)

  1. What are your “away” rules? Can he/she see other men/women? Are you allowed to play? What exactly constitutes play? Hard and soft limits. These are items can usually talked about over coffee; in long distance they are often overlooked. Besides, in local, the “horniness because of distance” factor does not apply. These critical concerns must be covered in great detail, to both parties’ satisfaction.
  2. Do you both see the monogamy/poly continuum in the same way? Is he/she a “one-slave” Dom/me? A “one-slave” Dom/me with play partners? A poly Dom/me? Are you the only collared slave he/she plans to have? With respect to these issues, are you on the same page that he/she is on?
  3. You should agree on a specific call schedule. For example, you might agree to speak on the phone twice a week and Skype/Facetime/Duo (or whatever interface you both use) once a week. Obviously, if this schedule isn’t adhered to, anxiety can result – so both sides must make a special effort to stick to the routine until you unite for good.

Starting off on a good foundation is extremely important here. In a local relationship, you can fix things quickly with a face-to-face talk over dinner. In long-distance, this is impossible. Dinner means a plane trip and those wonderful TSA lines. Thus, small problems can fester and can become big problems. If you can nip them in the bud, you have a much better chance in your long-distance romance.

When you are dealing with LDR’s, different rules apply. Since you are both far away from each other, either side can hide lots of baggage. Thus, both sides must be held to a higher standard – if you are planning to take it real time someday. Trust must be virtually absolute. The fact that you say, “The phone calls used to be twice a month and now it’s been a couple months since I have talked to him/her,” is a red flag. Red flags eat into trust; and without trust your relationship will die. But, there might be a reasonable explanation. So, before you jump off the “trust express,” make sure your concerns are real and not unfounded paranoia. (Long-distance relationships and paranoia are roommates!)

Our technology is such that you can easily see the other person. And there is nothing like seeing the other person’s face to know all’s right with the world! Long distance is tough enough without both of you disappearing into the vague world of misunderstood e-mails, texting and Twitter DM’s!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

TRUST: The Dom/me’s Point of View

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Most discussions about “trust” in our lifestyle concentrate on the trust a submissive accords the Dom/me. Granted that allowing yourself to be tied up, ball-gagged and caned requires a tremendous amount of trust on the bottom’s part. In last week’s article on this subject, “Trust: the sub’s point of view,” we addressed these very concerns. But, does trust also flow in the other direction? In my opinion, it must. Yet, this is a subject that is rarely discussed. Until now.

So, let’s examine some areas of trust the Dom/me should be aware of. This is far from a complete list; but it should be a good starting off point.

The Dom/me trusts that the sub accurately portrays her/himself. If the sub, for example, claims to be a pain slut, should the Dom/me be trusting enough to take this at face value? My take is that the Dom/me should probe deeply and find out exactly what the sub means. One person’s pain slut is another’s light player. Of course, even if you discuss her play style in great detail, you still must trust him/her to communicate accurately. There is no foolproof way to establish that the submissive is being honest or not. Still, the Dom/me should try to get the best picture of the sub one possibly can.

Is the sub totally open with you? This is especially important if you are contemplating a relationship with the sub. Does the submissive avoid certain questions or shade the truth? Does he/she address your concerns in a straightforward manner? This is less a D/s question than an interpersonal one. But, if you are thinking about collaring a sub, you must trust him/her — in this area especially.

The Dom/me trusts the sub will use the safe word if he/she feels the scene should end. Of course, the Dominant should not solely rely on the safe word to alert him that the scene should be stopped. He/she must be aware of what is happening. But, trust does flow both ways and it is incumbent upon the sub to safe if the scene has gone past his/her limits; the Dom/me must trust that this is the case.

Did the sub lie to you at any time? This is pretty basic stuff. And almost identical to the advice I gave to the subs. But, one must be super-vigilant at the beginning. I am not saying, “One strike and you’re out!” There can be extenuating circumstances or the lie might be a forgivable one (at the option of the lie-ee.) Honesty is the foundation of trust. And this goes for not only the sub, but also for the Dom/me.

The Dom/me trusts the submissive will accurately relate the scene to his/her friends. This is the big one – and is advice that is worth a million bucks. (I exaggerate; but a million bucks ain’t worth what it used to be!) There are innumerable stories where a Dom/me plays with a sub and then the submissive talks trash about the Top to friends. I have personally seen the words “unsafe player” used in such situations – even when the play was rather benign by all accounts. The Dom/me’s reputation is something that should be guarded zealously. Thus, if you have any doubts about your play partner in this area, I recommend that you scene publicly in order to have witnesses. This is not being paranoid; it is, I think, being careful. Because in this brave new world where charges of sexual-harassment abound, better safe than sorry. After some public play, and after some more interpersonal trust is established both ways, you can take it private.

Add this clause to your slave contract. If you are going to negotiate a “slave contract,” you might do well to add a clause something like this: “The slave hereby reaffirms that he/she has entered into this agreement voluntarily and all interactions performed here are completely consensual.” Trust is best when written out! Such is life in the year 2018! (This has been covered in greater detail in my previous Kink Weekly article, “Slave Contracts v. 2017”  

The Dominant should keep these six principles in mind. We should never overlook that trust is a two-way street — even if one rarely hears that in BDSM discourse. Let us not forget this fact.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

SUPERMAN SYNDROME

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One of the most insidious problems that plague many D/s relationships is what I call the “Superman (or Superwoman) Syndrome.” This is where the slave/submissive has found a Master/Mistress and ascribes an almost God-like perfection to him/her. When the Dominant encourages this mindset, the problem can be further exacerbated.  Unfortunately, many Masters/Mistresses encourage it; after all, it is flattering to be thought of as perfect. Of course, if “Master or Mistress as God” is the basis of your relationship, you can skip this article. Or read it for fun!   

The trouble is, when a Master/slave relationship progresses to the point where “Superman Syndrome” is one of its cornerstones, time and familiarity can quickly topple the D/s hierarchy. After a while – especially if the slave moves in with the Master — the slave comes to see the Master as a flesh and blood person, warts and all. Although the slave might expect to find these human flaws, he/she might also start to see the Master/Mistress as a bit less of the power figure that he/she was at the beginning of the relationship. And this could easily lead to its unraveling.

Although relationships are never simple, and advice only works flawlessly for Dr. Phil, avoiding the “Superman Syndrome” is relatively easy.  To a great extent, it falls on the shoulders of the Dominant to quickly identify it and nip it in the bud. Respect is great; blind worship, although it can be ego-inflating, is usually, with exceptions, not a good thing. Thus, the Dominant must not encourage this way of thinking. It will eventually come back to bite him/her in the ass; so discouraging this attitude is actually in his/her own self interest. The Master should be able to point out that he/she is not infallible. Taking responsibility for and admitting mistakes is a great way to inspire loyalty and respect. (Of course, don’t make tons of mistakes. Try to make wise decisions!)  A bit of modesty and even self-deprecation – in a humorous yet Domly way – is a great way to lower “Godlike expectations.” Furthermore, the Dominant should not hide who he/she really is; he should try to be transparent and not manipulate what the slave sees. (If he/she likes watching wrestling and has a collection of “The Rock” action figures, he/she shouldn’t hide them when the slave comes over!) He should just be himself; otherwise he will be contributing, consciously or unconsciously, to “Superman Syndrome.” And he will be setting himself up for failure.

From the slave’s point of view, don’t expect perfection from a Master/Mistress just because you look up to him/her. The slave’s respect for the Dominant should not be dependant on how “perfect” the Master or Mistress is.  It should be based on a broader life profile. It is one thing to be in awe of your Dom/me; it is quite another thing to set him/her up as a God.  He/she is human. If you build him up too high, you are setting him/her up for a fall. If you have reasonable expectations, it is a bonus when they are exceeded. If you set them too high, failure will invariably be the result.

The bottom line is that trust and respect are earned over time. If we rate the D/s aspect of a relationship from 1-10, it is better to start at “8” and build up to “10” than to start at “10” and watch it decline. It is counterproductive to look upon someone as perfect – or to demand they look at you that way – from the get-go. It is much more effective to earn “perfection points” as the relationship progresses. As the saying goes, “Castles made of sand fall into the sea, eventually.” And ascribing an unearned perfection to someone prematurely is really building one’s D/s castle out of sand.

In a subsequent article I will tackle “Supersub Syndrome,” wherein a Dominant expects perfection from a submissive.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.