dynamic

Slave Contracts: Part One

November 23, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

“The elephant in the room.” You’ve heard that expression a million times. For us at Kink Weekly, the “elephant in the room” is Fifty Shades of Grey. It has brought a kinda-sorta BDSM consciousness to the masses; its effects, both good and bad, cannot be ignored. This article will not address the pros and cons of this film, but rather it will expand on one of the most discussed aspect of it – slave contracts. While BDSM styles, protocols and rituals come and go, slave contracts endure. Slave contracts, to this day, are an integral part of many D/s and BDSM relationships. Why?

First, they are sexy. One cannot get hotter than a paragraph that says, “I will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master…”

Second, they remind the Dom/me and the sub of their duties during the term of the contract.

Third, they do render a small amount of legal protection were issues of consent to arise. (One cannot legally consent to being beaten; but a contract with the word “consensual” in it can mitigate some legal concerns.)

Finally, they are fun.

As an exclusive to Kink Weekly, we have compiled a number of slave contracts. After all, one size does NOT fit all. Surely, with the selection we are presenting, you will find a template that fits your needs. And remember, these contracts are subject to negotiation!

This first contract is the one I use. It is not open ended, has some great general rules and contains a safe word. (Although some High Protocol Masters eschew the safe word, I always use it.) This contract covers a lot of the bases – especially addressing “Work Rules of Conduct.” And the “I” is in lower case to reinforce submission!

Master/Mistress and Slave

Of my own free will and out of a desire to express my love and devotion to the man (woman) i love and adore, i offer myself in slavery to my Master for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
Although i consider myself to be slave full-time to Master, during the time period expressed above, i will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master, without hesitation or consideration of myself or others.

General Rules

The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. his/her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him . The slave accepts the responsibility of using her safe word (red!) or safe signal (to be agreed upon) when necessary, and trusts implicitly in her Master to respect the use of that safe word. If a condition arises in which the slave needs to use the safe word or gesture, her Master will assess the situation, and determine an appropriate course of action.

The slave shall keep her body available for the use of her Master at all times. In addition, the slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and what use they may put it to. The Master will discuss all such instances in advance with the slave, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits. The slave shall demonstrate her acceptance of her role of service and availability at all times while at home and at other times and places specified by her Master. The slave acknowledges that her Master may use her body or mind in any manner He wishes within the parameters of safety. He may hurt her without reason to please Himself. The slave enjoys the right to cry, scream or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, he may gag her or take other actions to silence her.

The slave will answer any questions put to her honestly and directly, and will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition. While her Master expects His slave to speak honestly and forth rightly about anything that bothers her, she is not to interpret that as permission to whine or complain. she will phrase her concerns politely and respectfully, and then gracefully accept her Master’s judgment in these matters without further complaint.
The slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as either “Master” or “Sir” (see Public Rules of Conduct).

The Master may give the slave “free periods” in His presence during which the slave may express herself openly and freely. There will be no punishments applied during “free periods.” It is understood, however, that the slave will continue to address her Master with respect and love at all times and that deviations from the rule are subject to punishment at a later time.
The slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of the contract, and will accept the correction gratefully. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master’s pleasure, and the Master shall make it clear to the slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. The Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon the slave that might require the attention of anyone outside the relationship. Master and slave agree that in extremes either may activate a free period by using the safe word. The free period will continue until both parties agree that the problem(s) concerned are resolved.

The slave is permitted to engage in any and all activities not actively forbidden by the contract or by later edict of the Master. All rights and privileges not otherwise noted in this contract belong to the Master, and He may exercise them as He chooses.

Private Rules of Conduct

On days when her Master is at work, the slave will greet Him wearing her collar, wrist restraints, and a shirt belonging to her Master. She will wear no underclothes in His presence unless given permission. On days when the Master is home, the slave will wear whatever is deemed appropriate by her Master. When in the same room as her Master, the slave will ask permission before leaving the room, explain where she is going, and why. At mealtimes, the slave will serve her Master, and sit at His feet while He eats. Food for the slave will be given by the Master at His discretion. When speaking to her Master or being spoken to by Him, the slave will assume a demeanor of alert attention and will meet her Master’s eyes directly, unless instructed to do otherwise.

Public Rules of Conduct

The slave will conduct herself at all times in such a manner as to not call attention to Master and slave. she will call her Master/Mistress by His/Her name only if the use of “Master” is inappropriate. The slave will defer to her Master in public. The slave may dress herself, but must seek approval of any clothing she wishes to wear in public. Unless specifically stated otherwise, the slave may not wear panties.

Work Rules of Conduct

No part of the agreement is intended to interfere with the slave’s career. The Master wishes the slave to work hard and honestly, in general to conduct herself in a manner calculated to bring honor and respect to them both. During periods of work, the slave is permitted to schedule appointments, to dress in a manner appropriate to work, and to leave the house when necessary. During periods of work, the slave may answer the telephone and discuss business without the expressed permission of her Master. With my signature below, i agree to accept and obey all preceding rules as well as any rules my Master may choose to issue at a later date. i gratefully consign by body and soul to my Master for His pleasure and use for the contract period noted above.

_____________________________________________ slave __________________ Date

I accept My slave’s desire to serve Me more fully, and take responsibility for her well-being, training and discipline to more perfectly serve My will.

_________________________________________ Master/Mistress _________________ Date

For those of you who wish a shorter, more general and yet more sexually based slave contract, I offer the following:

Slave Contract

This contract sets out the conditions of mutual consent under which _________________________ is to be held in sexual bondage and the terms of her enslavement.

Of my own free will, I offer myself in slavery to my Master/Mistress for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.

This contract also affirms that she/he shall be offered the use of a safe word (safe word: _______), the use of which in any situation whatsoever automatically stops any activity at that time.

Slave also has the right to cancel any and all conditions of this contract at any time.

Conditions:
I accept sexual use and abuse of my body while under discipline for any purpose.
I accept that I shall be placed in and kept under strict discipline within the negotiated time limit.
I accept any form of punishment meted out to me while under discipline.
I accept any form of restraint and chastisement, administered as Master desires.
I accept that the various forms of torment to which I am to be subjected may cause suffering. I wish it to be known through this document that I am aware that any such suffering is part of my training program.
I accept that I am subject to the absolute rule of my Master and those to whom he delegates that rule. This may be taken to mean that I am subject to sale, exchange, or loan without redress to those of corresponding status with my Master, but only within the context of this contract.
I accept that subtle rebellion is expected of me, and lack of it taken to the point of docility is likely to terminate this contract.
I accept that no form of disobedience will be tolerated when in the company of my Master, other Masters or Mistresses and slaves and that I must conduct myself precisely as instructed on each specific occasion.
I accept that I remain under the disciplinary code imposed by this contract at all times and am bound by it’s terms and conditions in all situations, whether closely supervised or not.

I _________________________, do set my signature to this document of my own free will, thus becoming the property of _____________________________, in full understanding that I may be used for any sexual or disciplinary purpose whatsoever, without prior limits.

SIGNED: _____________________________________ slave Date: ____________

SIGNED: _____________________________________ Master Date: ____________

Next week, we will be presenting two more slave contracts, one of which will include collaring. With this selection, we hope you
can find the right slave contract for your relationship.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

A New Look at Pain

November 16, 2015 By Baadmaster 8 Comments

One of the most pervasive questions in this lifestyle is whether pain is essential in a BDSM relationship. The answer is an unequivocal “no.” One can have an awesome Doninant/submissive partnership with absolutely no pain being involved. It could be a sex slave arrangement, a service slave situation or any number of D/s unions. Then again, there could only be symbolic or light pain involved. A hand spanking when a submissive misbehaves or a light crop on the palms can be the basis of a very hot D/s relationship. Or just a light hand spanking in a kinky vanilla relationship. (After all, this is Kink Weekly!) The possibilities are virtually endless. We have no scientific data, but we would bet the number of non pain or light pain relationships far outnumber those using significant pain. Of course, the Sadist who whips his masochist in a dungeon attracts more attention than the Master with a sex slave whose service is limited to the bedroom. But, that is just the way it would appear to a casual observer; on closer analysis, it does not mean that pain is the preferred, or more popular, way to go. There is no one right way to do BDSM. That being said, the question remains, why is pain often an integral part of a BDSM relationship? What we propose is that there are three distinct aspects to pain that make it so pervasive. We will term this trio “the ‘Story of O’ effect,” “the subspace effect” and “the bonding effect.” Let’s examine them in order.

1. The “Story of O effect” alludes to the landmark novel of Dominance and submission by Paulene Reage, available for free. which took the world by storm in the seventies. At its core is the old school romantic proposition that a slave will do things for her/his Dominant that he/she would not do for anyone else. “Suffering for one’s Master” as a sign of submission. The novel, and a subsequent movie, has some odd, and debatable, takes on love and sacrifice; but, the overall message is that the devotion a slave has to her Master/Mistress can be judged by the amount of pain the slave takes. As BDSM progressed from the 70’s, this concept evolved into the common practice of pushing the submissive’s limits. Here the submissive/slave (for convenience, we will use these terms interchangeably) is being taken to places that she would not ordinarily go to for any other Dominant. “Pushing limits” does not have the verbal pizzazz, nor the romantic luster, that “Suffering for one’s Master” does. But, the effect can be almost identical. In both instances, we are using pain thresholds as a way of measuring the dedication of a submissive.

2. The “subspace effect” is commonly intertwined with the “Story of O effect.” Subspace often occurs during a pain session. What is this mysterious state called “subspace?” Although subspace will be explained in another Kink Weekly article (amazingly, it is titled “Subspace!”), it can safely be stated that subspace is a mental/physical state caused by a rush of endorphins flooding the body. Among subs who have experienced it, it is likened to “flying.” In fact, “flying” is a synonym for it. By all accounts, subspace is an incredible high. And here is the hook: it is accessed most easily and predictably by…guess what…pain!

The most effective way of putting a submissive into subspace is to spank/flog/cane him/her over a period of time. (Note: always observe safe words during BDSM play.) To put it succinctly, pain is popular because it works. As opposed to the “Story of O” effect, one does not have to push limits to get a submissive to fly. Moderate, or even light pain over a longer period of time, can be just as effective as extreme pain. Besides, what one person’s sting can be another person’s hurt.

3. The “bonding effect” might be an even more notable facet of pain than the previous two – if only on a subconscious level. Rarely spoken about in BDSM circles, its bonding power can be unbelievably potent. It appears the pain/pleasure/endorphin dynamic that is actuated when pain is given and received brings the duo together in unique ways. Whether they are play partners or a Dom/sub couple, the trust involved in pain play invariably bonds the two people together. Even casual players develop a close friendship that is deeper than being just golfing partners. Add into this the enjoyment that the Dominant gets from flogging – and even marking – a submissive. Perhaps this is one of the great appeals of pain!

Taken in totality, when these three aspects of pain are actuated, the partners can amplify any type of BDSM relationship they have agreed too. Light pain, medium pain or heavy pain can all be equally effective. Whatever pain threshold you decide to work with, the concept of three “effects of pain” might give you an insight into its power. After all, pain can be a potent tool for pleasure!

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife

November 16, 2015 By anniebear 26 Comments

One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.

While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.

There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.

Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.

Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.

1. Domly Dom

This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.

Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.

2. Boner Dom

No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.

Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.

3. Quick Escalation

I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:

There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.

Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.

4. Blank Dom

Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.

Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.

5. The Eager Beaver

Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.

Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.

6. Mixed Messages

This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.

Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.

1. Unique Approach

This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.

2. Short and Sweet

This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.

3. Intrigued

Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.

I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!

Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Dexx Interviews Master Gabriel

November 9, 2015 By Desdemona 1 Comment

Dexx: You’re the creator of the Gentleman In Charge event, you teach the BDSM 201 class series, and you create leather products under the Ravynblood Leather brand. For many you’re also known as the voice of DomCon in LA and Atlanta. So, I guess if you go back a little ways, how did you first find yourself coming into the BDSM community?

Master Gabriel: Well, actually I first stepped foot into the Sanctuary in Reseda. A friend of mine at the time had seen some of the leatherwork that I’d done. We thought perhaps we could get something going and he suggested possibly going to talk to Mistress Cyan and see what she thought of the leather goods and see if it might be a worthwhile venture to try out. So that was my first step in and that was some many years ago, probably a good eight to ten years ago. Of course before then I was playing behind closed doors and didn’t even know there was an actual community at that point in time. So that was my first introduction into the actual community of BDSM.

So you have a degree in psychology I believe?

I do.

And do you think that that has helped you in terms of understanding the roles in BDSM and finding your own role that you like and educating others in terms of the different aspects of BDSM?

I wish it helped me more often than I thought because it really does but when you get up close and personal for some reason what you know about psychology just goes out the door. But in general, yes it helps me understand the roles a little bit better. It helped me to kind of understand the inner workings of the community as a whole, not necessarily as helpful up close and personal because as I mentioned typically when you get into a relationship with somebody it’s –there’s so much passion and so much energy going on you don’t really pay attention to those fine details.

Right –so the Gentleman In Charge (GIC) event seems to have become quite popular at Sanctuary. What lead you to creating that?

Actually, this is the brainchild of Mistress Cyan. She brought me in on it in order to start it up and run it. I had been mentoring under her and she thought I’d be a good fit for running it. Of course, then the only thing that we had in mind was creating a male Dom/female sub evening. At that point in time WICK, which is Women In Charge of Kink had been running with some relative success for about a year or so and she wanted to make sure there was a male Dom/femsub side to it as well. So we hit the ground running and took the reigns and its been going ever since.

So how is GIC different form other play parties?

It’s way different than other play parties. It’s specifically male Dominant/female sub, there’re not that many male Dom/femsub specific clubs in southern California so there’s not really much to choose from in that regard. In particular, from the get go our team understand that this meant for male Doms and female subs but we felt it needed to be a safe place for the female subs to come to. Otherwise it’s just any old meat market and we didn’t want that. We wanted to make sure it was a safe place for new people and people who are long term in the scene as a fem sub to be there without fear of having to do whatever any dominant that approaches them says. Which is partly why we utilize the red ribbon system where you can pin on a red ribbon if you’re interested in talking about potential play. It leaves that particular bit of control in the women’s hands, that way they can at least show if they’re interested in talking or if they’re just there to spectate.

Do you think that’s been an issue at other male Dom/femsub play parties in the past- that they can be quite intimidating for the females because its sort of open season for the males to think they can do as they please?

I think there’s a sense that that might be the case. Whether that’s what actually goes on in those clubs or not is dependent highly on the individual clubs. But I think that the intimidation is there and to make it open and make it well known that our interest is to make sure its not that kind of a night, not that kind of a club, I think that’s what’s important.

And it’s billed as a high protocol event. What does that entail?

Well for GIC specifically we bill it as high protocol simply because we make sure the gentlemen are there as gentlemen. We enforce a dress code both for the men and women just to make sure that the evening is more classy or make sure that its seen that way. As far as protocol in general, we really leave that open to the specific dynamic you come in with. Also if you come in with your own lady and you have your own protocol we make room for that. But certainly the feel is there. We want to make sure that gentlemanly Dom is the overall energy of the evening and that lends itself to the specific dynamics.

Great-would you recommend that as an event for people who are brand new to the scene?

Most definitely. Every month we get a ton of new people that are coming in there. Several people will send new people that they learn of and talk to in the scene, specifically because of the kind of night it is. It’s not the meat market type of event, you do have the availability to say whether or not you’re just there to watch or if you actually want to interact or not. The gentlemen that are there on average do act like gentlemen. We do make sure we have both male and female dungeon monitors. That way the females that are there do have somebody they can go to. They don’t feel like its just male run. So its very much well structured for that. Also on the flip side of this, at the beginning of the evening we have our discussions. That ranges from anything from negotiations to dynamics we’ll bring guest speakers and that runs for a good half hour or so at the beginning for education for the entire community. I leave that open as an interactive discussion on purpose because we want to make sure we get everybody there interacting. Its not there to be just somebody up there talking and lecturing. We want to make sure everybody participates including the new people. A lot of new people have questions that they really don’t feel as if they can ask at someplace like a class. That’s the place to do it.

In your 201 class series, you cover some advanced topics. Some of them involve dynamics and psychology of D/s relationships others touching on some areas some people consider to be edge play like needles knives and fire play. How did you come to learn those skills?

I learned directly from my mentor Mistress Cyan. Others were 101 training that were taken throughout the year, some is cross over from things that I’d learned such as martial arts. I’ve been drawing from Boy Scouts, personal exploration. So it’s from there and a lot of it is a mixture of all of thee above.

Do you think that people that enjoy BDSM tend to gravitate towards more edge and advanced play over time or do you think some people are more content to stick to the more conventional play like spanking, floggers and power exchange?

No, I really think a lot of them gravitate more towards the conventional play like flogging and power exchange. Not everybody is into edge and that’s perfectly fine. Everybody has different styles of play. The vast majority is conventional.

Do you ever have people that attend some of the classes and find themselves getting a bit squeamish?

I haven’t come across that yet. Usually I make it pretty well known what is generally going to happen in those classes. For the most I think people know ahead of time what to expect. So I haven’t come across anybody who has become squeamish yet- or at least not that they’ve told me.

And do you know of anybody yourself that has suffered unintended injuries trying out some edgier things? Perhaps not as a result of your class but just in general in the scene?

I haven’t seen too much in the way of it. Now there have been instances in the past that I’ve heard of and you know its kind of like rock climbing, you know that there are dangers that are involved in it. So there is the possibility for potential problems. I haven’t had the experience of having too much of that happening. You usually hear a whole lot about it but in my experience its better to be well prepared for something even if its not going to happen. The possibility of it makes it a necessity to be prepared for it

Do you have any advice for people who are curious about trying out some of those things but they live somewhere where it’s harder to find classes about those topics?

Well, I would go on the online classes, read obviously, there are a lot of books even on edge play. There’s a book called Play Piercing, that’s specifically on needles. Jay Wiseman has written several books on topics including knife play. There’s plenty of literature out there these days that are open and available for it

Your submissive birdy also seems to teach quite a few classes. More of the submissive oriented ones. You two seem to be a pretty good match in terms of you both being quite well known figures now as BDSM educators.

The whole House has been doing quite well with the classes and such, we have the Submissive Training Series that birdy has done. Prior to that we had the Submissive Bootcamp earlier in the year. Starr, my other submissive will be doing the next submissive bootcamp in the coming year. Of course there’s GIC and BDSM 201 but also the SoCal Poly Support Group that birdy runs. We do various conventions and such, we even have LA Next Gen which is run by Mister Gear which is also a member of the house. I have several fingers in several pies.

So that’s your House Ravynblood your talking about? Tell me more about that.

That’s my household. I’m the head of house. Ultimately it’s a group of like-minded thinkers. We’ve gotten together over the last few years or so. We’ve grown to be much larger than I ever expected it would actually be. It started up a little over a year ago, about a year and half at this point. And the first members of course were myself and Mister Gear. Vee came in the mix shortly after that. Ultimately, there’s a protocol guide, a household guide that we all follow and our major creed over the household is “to love, to honor, to respect” and we do try to get out in the community and make sure we’re teaching and putting that energy back into the community that we love.

I’m sure people often ask if you all live together?

It’s not a physical household in that we all live in the same house. It’s a household in that we all are like-minded and connected by the protocol. Together at one point in time or another, they’ve all served under the household. So the household is really what we conglomerate under. So when we put out the SoCal Poly Support Group, when we put out the upcoming Dom Training series all of that is under the household. And we all help each other to make it work.

Within the household, you mentioned you’re the head of the household. Are there other defined roles or statuses that people have?

In general yes. There are other dominants in the house. In fact Mister Gear just gained a dominant status. So in relation to say the structure of it you would come into the house, there is a period of time where you are evaluated. Then at that point in time if we feel that both ends are a match then you are welcomed in the household but at that point you are not given a title at all. You have to undergo what we call standards; standardized sections of information-some of them are discussions, some of them are projects. You do have to finish those in order to update your status in the household. Whether that’s submissive or dominant we also have “compeer” which is kind of a switch type of position. Those are various positions in the house. So really in regards to dominant and submissive, they’re pretty much on the same level across the board it’s simply a matter of dynamic rather than position.

How could somebody join the household if they were interested in that?

Well that’s all in our protocol guidebook which of course you would not have seen but as far as our protocol goes in regards to becoming a part of the household –the house as a whole will look at that and see if we’d like to entertain putting that person through a period of evaluation. Of course as the head of house I have the final say so regardless of what the house votes I am the final say on it. After you’ve been brought in for evaluation-there’s three to six months of evaluation where both the house is kind of evaluating that person as well as giving that person a chance to feel out the house and make sure it’s the right fit in both directions. Because if it’s not something you end up feeling that you want after a six month period of time then it’s probably not for you. It’s probably not something that you would be very invested in and that’s ok.

And have there been people who have either been turned down or have decided not to pursue that?

It hasn’t happened yet. But it might happen; I don’t now what the future holds. Obviously the future held a lot more people in the household than I expected to begin with.

Just generally do you have advice for somebody who’s new to BDSM that wants to be dominant?

Actually, I’ll be starting up a Dominant Training series at the beginning of the year. That spun off of the current BDSM 201 that I’ve got. In general, really it can be online classes, YouTube has plenty of things on there that you can gleam from. Read. I can’t emphasize that enough even if its audio books. There are tons of things on audio right now that are kink and BDSM related. Of course you can start off with the book BDSM 101 its for beginners in general. I highly suggest especially as a dominant to seek outside of that as well. There’s a fantastic book called Nudge. It has nothing to do with the scene what so ever but is on the mental devices that we as humans have that alter our decisions. There’s also another book, Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me and it’s all about deception. And that in itself changed my entire perception on how to discipline myself and discipline in general and kind of utilizing that for discipline and behavior modification for others. And of course there’s also podcasts. There’s the Fearless Submissive podcast, the TED radio hour -you’ll learn about both sides of the slash.

As a dominant you don’t want to limit yourself to just learning about being a dominant. Learn about the submissive side. Understand who it is your working with. What it is that your working with in general? What they’re going to see from their angle. And then think outside the box. Once you know the basics, once you have the basic skills the basic idea of what it is to be a dominant, work outside of that. Draw from what you now. You’ve been in marital arts? Fantastic you can draw from that. I can’t tell you how many things that I have in my protocol that I’ve drawn from my martial arts background. Boy Scouts, I’m an eagle scout, I’ve drawn tons of information from it. Most of the things that are in my household’s standards are drawn from Boy Scouts. You have skills, hobbies, do you know how to boot shine can you learn how to boot shine, can you learn just general skill over all that you can utilize in the scene? There’s tons of information out there that really has nothing to do with the scene in general but can be applied.

It seems like there are quite a few classes around for many of the technical skills involved in being a dominant whether its tying rope or impact but not that many in terms of actually the dominant mindset and your confidence and body language and perhaps inspiring submission in somebody who wants to take on that role. So, do you have advice for how people can get into that mindset a bit more and develop themselves?

Posture and breathing. Posture and breathing are two huge things that can help you get into that mindset. Far to often we slouch throughout the day and by the simple act of straightening your back and bringing your shoulders even has an immense impact. When I first started training Mister Gear for his dominance, that was the first step that we took, to straighten out his posture. Now that doesn’t mean you have to walk around like that all of the time but it changes the way that you look at things, it changes the way that you see things. It changes how you feel about yourself. And that in turn changes how you act and how you act towards others. Now you’d be surprised that by doing that simple little act how much more dominant you feel and again breathing; one thing that I have several in my household working on right now again drawing from martial arts, its called “One Conscious Breath,” and that’s the simple act of drawing in a breath and letting back out and not just breathing but focusing only and solely on nothing else but that breath. It lends such a clarity and peace of mind, it helps to refocus and again those little things, those simple little acts can change how you are change your dominance drastically.

It sounds like you’ve drawn quite a lot from martial arts which you’ve done. Which martial arts have you done and how long have you been doing those for?

The martial arts that I was in, I haven’t done it for a few years now was called Mugei Mumei no Jitsu-which roughly translates to “no art no hand.” And ultimately it was a bit unconventional I’d have to say. I learned quite a different smattering of things. It’s a combination art and really was kind of built from various martial arts so was drawn from ju-jitsu and kenjitsu and several others to kind of a melting pot into a different art all together. But between that and as you mentioned before the psychology background it really changes how you look at things, that how things don’t necessarily need to be exactly what they are presented as….you can do so much more.

Do you think that at some point, BDSM could benefit from having some kind of standardized training progression system particularly for dominants where you can measure progression similar to how you have in martial arts?

I think it could benefit greatly from standardization. Not necessarily that is needs to all be the same. The reason for standards in my household is not because that’s the end all be all of what you need to know. The standards are simply only basic to take care of somebody who might be dropping, how to recognize drop, things that really even basic players should really learn and know. And what that does for me as the head of household, it gives me a peace of mind that any member of my household can be anywhere at any time and I don’t have to be there. I know they know the basics, I know they know what they’re doing in those particular realms. Now that doesn’t mean that they are the best at flogging, that doesn’t mean that they’re the best at anything, that just means they know their basics. They know their basic skills. Now really everybody actually should know how to bandage a wound. Most people don’t even have a first aid kit in their bag.

So what attributes define a great dominant?

I’ve met so many great dominants. I will say a sense of patience and the ability to step away from a situation, to look at it from the big picture. I think that really is a factor that you see across the board. Most great dominants that you see in the scene they have that uncanny ability to step away and not let something rile them up even though by all rights could, to be able to step back and take a look at the big picture and act accordingly to respond rather than react to the situation.

You produce leather products under the RavynBlood Leather brand. How long have you been working leather for?

Well I’ve been working leather for-well my first job at Candy was way back when in 1996 and then I think I was fiddling with leather for a few years before that. So for a long long time. Learned a lot of tricks over the years. But I do currently run Ravynblood Leather. I normally have a booth out at DomCon LA. Occasionally here and there I will have a booth out at Sanctuary Marketplace coming up at the end of November. That’s really the only places that you’ll see it these days. I’ve really shifted focus. I like to keep my leather fun and doing it all the time for a full time business just isn’t fun so I like to do it here and there so that way I can experiment with things, play with it a little bit more and have some fun.

What’s involved for a layman who doesn’t know anything about leather working. What’s involved in turning the materials you source into a product like a collar?

Something like a collar-well you’re talking about straight edging and strap cutting it which basically means you’re cutting out the strip itself from a hide because they haven’t perfected the art of growing cows in squares yet. So they kind of come in wonky shapes. And for those who are in the know of leather, there are certain areas you really want to avoid on a cowhide. That’s something that only a person who’s been working with leather for years would know. You definitely want to bevel those edges, make sure its not scratchy on the skin. You can do any kind of design you want to do on it. If you’re savvy with tools, you can actually tool in it. These days most times you’ll see rings, so now you’ll have to punch holes for those small pieces, rivet off the pieces of leather, rivet up the buckle and finish it up. A little bit more work than a cut in paste (laughs)

(Laughs) And where did the name RavynBlood come from?

I don’t get asked that question too often. Actually that came from my family background. In my family we have quite a bit of native heritage. And the one native heritage that we managed to get the most information about in our tree, actually their primary motive for their tribe plan, was the raven. In that particular group, the raven was the only creature in the universe that was capable of keeping one foot firmly in the mainland, what we see and what we know, and one foot in the other world. It was the only creature able to go back and forth like that. So, I actually have native blood of the raven, hence RavynBlood. Initially that was just for the leather booth, and as things went that name stuck to me and kind of became part of my name over all and hence the household name was spawned under that name.

I hear you’re writing a book? How’s that coming along?

I actually am now writing two books. I’m writing a book in regards to household structure and how to build households. And that’s drawing from my experience as well as drawing from other experiences from other dominants that I personally know in the scene. I’m kind of combining all of those together a little bit to give people a better understanding of how these things come about and how to do it themselves. Parts of that have spun off into the gentleman dominant and there will be a whole other book following up with that.

That’s great, I look forward to when those two come out. Do you have a timeframe for them?

I’m hoping they’ll be out by the end of next year. I’ve got the first rough draft partly done already for the household book. That’ll be the first to come out. Hopefully the following year I’ll have the secondary book-The Gentleman Dom.

Master Gabriel is the Head of Household with House RavynBlood. He produces Gentlemen in Charge and Sanctuary Marketplace at Sanctuary LAX, is the Lead Educator of the BDSM 201 Education Series, and “the voice of DomCon LA.” You can view his Ravynblood Leather goods here.

Mistress Lucy trains Her puppy

November 2, 2015 By Desdemona 1 Comment

Photographer: Dexx Models: Mistress Lucy and Renata Colette

Mistress Lucy was bored. She was tired of the same old tricks. While perusing the local bookstore, something caught her eye…a puppy training guide. Interesting, and she had just the perfect little puppy on which to practice.

Mistress Lucy is a professional dominatrix based in Los Angeles, CA. For more information or to contact her regarding sessions, visit her web site.

Navigating the public BDSM scene

November 2, 2015 By Frederick M 4 Comments

So, you’ve discovered that you are kinky… Now what?

First of all let me congratulate you on taking a step into a much larger world of adventure and experience, good for you! It takes courage to recognize and embrace the fact you may have some interests which mainstream society frowns upon.

You are about to enter a world of pleasure and pain, dark desires and wicked dreams. Never again will plain old vanilla sex satisfy you and get you where you need to be. Like butterfly wings, once you have touched your kink, you are forever changed into something, someone else. This has been my experience.

It is my sincere hope that this small work may help others avoid the pitfalls and frustration that go along with inexperience by getting some insider information prior to heading for disaster. Join us down the rabbit hole and let’s see how deep it goes.

The answer to the question, “What now?” is likely to be as widely varied as the people who might be willing to actually step up and answer it for you. The plain truth is that your journey into and through the world of kink is going to be uniquely yours and yours alone; just as it has been for all of us and just as it should be.

You can keep your activities entirely private and never out yourself to anyone other than your partners, making the occasional trip to the local sex toy store and picking things up here and there, or surfing the net for bondage porn and emulating the things you see.

Or you can, as many do, choose to jump into the public BDSM scene, (i.e.: dungeon clubs, classes, socials, etc…). It’s entirely up to you and in any case is neither a good nor a bad thing per se’, it is simply your path.

Whatever your choice, it’s helpful to “know the ropes” as it were, particularly in the early stages of your experimentation. In the public scene you will encounter every kind of kinkster imaginable, and many behaviors that may be alien to you and your upbringing, depending on how open minded your household was.

One of the first things I learned was that there was a whole new world of terminology and jargon I was unfamiliar with. Soon thereafter I also learned that not everything means the exact same thing to everyone. People in our world are different from one another in just the same way people in the vanilla world are. Interpretation is a factor.

So what do you need to know in order to adjust and feel comfortable without stepping on any toes or committing any offenses?

Let’s begin by covering some common phrases and expressions you might hear when out at a dungeon club. These are basic definitions, keep in mind that many of these terms are flexible and may mean slightly different or deeper things to some.

Dominant: A term with multiple meanings and uses, but generally used to describe a person who takes the power in the relationship or exchange.

Submissive: Another multi-use term, used to identify the one who gives up the power in the relationship or exchange.

Consent: In the context of the BDSM world, consent is given by both parties to participate in a certain activity, or activities. This consent may be wide ranging or limited to specific things, depending on the relationship and experience of the participants. (Example; “you may flog me in our scene but I dislike needles”)
It is important to know that everything we do in the BDSM scene is done with full awareness and consent by all parties involved. If you do not have consent, it is considered abuse and you may find yourself in a heap of trouble real fast; even the kind of trouble that requires a lawyer to get out of. So make sure you have consent!

Scene: This word has two meanings in our world. The first is a general descriptor of the BDSM scene at large, i.e.: “The Scene”. The second is more specific to activities we participate in with a partner or partners. Example; “we had a really great rope scene tonight”.

D/s or M/s: These are used to describe power exchange relationships between the Dominant or Master/Mistress and the submissive or slave. The first letters are always capitalized to show respect for the authority that is consensually given.

Power exchange: The term used to describe when the submissive or slave consensually surrenders their life and or will to the Dominant or Master in the relationship. The terms of this surrender can vary in length of time; anything from one scene to a lifetime, and can also vary greatly on the depth of surrender depending on the parties in the relationship.

Protocol(s): Protocol is a term used to describe the behavior which a submissive or slave may be allowed to exhibit by the Dominant or Master. Also the behavior the Dominant engages in as a part of the scene or relationship. Protocols vary and evolve from one person to another, and one Dominant may have different protocols in place for different submissives in their service. They can also vary depending on the environment; public vs. private play. Protocols may involve restrictions on physical contact, eye contact, speaking out loud, clothing or any number of other things.

Top: A Top is the person in a BDSM play scene who is the one doing the things, whatever they may be, to the bottom. This can be anything from rope tying, to spanking or flogging or even interrogation. It’s important to know, however that this term is not necessarily synonymous with a Dom or a Master. Top is a more utilitarian term. While a Dominant is generally a Top in the scenes they play out, not all Tops are Dominants.

Bottom: Take the above description and simply reverse it.

Switch: Someone who performs and enjoys both Topping and bottoming, and may even transition in the course of one scene.

Sadist: Someone who takes pleasure and satisfaction in inflicting pain.

Masochist: One who gets pleasure and satisfaction from receiving pain.

Voyeur: One who takes pleasure from watching others engage in sex and BDSM play.

Safe Words: These are used by the bottom to inform the Top when they are reaching or have reached a pain threshold. Though safe words may vary, Yellow is commonly used to mean slow down or lighten up, and Red is used to say stop. Safe words should be established by new play couples during initial scene negotiation. If you establish definite safe words, it is your responsibility to use them as needed. If you agree that Red is your stop word and you say stop instead of Red, your top may not stop.

Negotiation: The process of agreeing on the terms of a scene, or relationship. For a scene, especially with new play partners, time should be taken to gather information about the likes and limits of all partners involved. It is advisable to know as much as you can about your play partner prior to beginning so as to avoid harmful or dangerous situations. This should include discussion about health issues as well. Things like STD’s, or psychological trauma need to be out in the open in advance of play time.

Sub-space: A state of mind wherein bottoms enter a trance-like state where their ability to think clearly can be compromised, and they may lose the ability to make safe decisions for themselves. This is an especially tricky situation for some and when deep sub-space is present the Top must maintain control and keep the best interest of the bottom as paramount.

Frenzy: A state of mind and body characterized by an obsessive desire to experience anything and everything as quickly as possible. This happens especially when the player is new on the scene.

Drop: (Specifically sub-drop) This refers to the depressive state which can follow periods of intense BDSM activity such as bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. Depression results from the brains withdrawal from neuro-transmitter chemicals and the after effects of shock. Drop can sometimes be triggered just by the psychological effects of sub-space. To some degree drop can also affect Tops, but is less common. Drop effects everyone differently, and some folks not at all.

This is by no means a complete list, but it should help with the more commonly heard expressions. Moving on…

By now you’ve probably noticed that some of these terms have something in common with the others. You may ask… “So does that mean that a Dominant is also a Sadist? Is a bottom a masochist? Is a switch both?” The answer to all of these is yes… but not always or not necessarily.

Remember that all of this stuff is really open to individual interpretation and can vary greatly from person to person. A lot of it has to do with personal awareness, comfort and identification.
I have played with submissive women who do not identify as masochists, and yet freely orgasm with gusto from having their genitals spanked hard, go figure!

Also everyone seems to have different limits within their own identification. What feels like a 10 on the spanking pain scale to one person, may only be a 2 to someone else. Me personally, I have no pain tolerance at all, absolutely zero. My 10 is pretty much a 1 to every bottom I know. But then I’m not a bottom so it never really becomes an issue. The great thing about the fetish community is that we are open to just about anyone and anything short of actual harm like child abuse and non-consensual impact. There is something for everyone.

The next thing you should know is that the BDSM lifestyle has more than one level of involvement. It represents different things to different people. The populous of our world runs the gamut; from those who live their lives in 24/7 power exchange relationships, to people, perhaps like yourself, who are brand new and only want to dip their toes in to see how the water feels. With the true lifestylers, you will likely encounter protocols and behaviors you are unfamiliar with; protocols involving physical contact, communication, physical position, eye contact and the like. While these may seem strange or even unfair to you, it is important to keep an open mind and remember that consent has been willingly given and accepted.

BDSM lifestylers take this very seriously because they recognize and embrace the deeper meaning under it all. This deeper meaning is not something everyone comes to see and understand, but it is there nonetheless. For those of us who are touched by this, the clubs become our second home, the people we meet with, our family. Often times we feel more like our true selves in this environment than we do anywhere else. And it’s no wonder. BDSM reaches a very primal and powerful instinct in us; we really get something valuable out of it.

Newbies often misunderstand the things they see out in the clubs because they are inexperienced in the power exchange dynamic, and unaware of the deeper connection we have with it. And veterans sometimes have little patience for those who are only temporarily hanging out because they thought some book they read about it was cool.

You can avoid conflict and confusion by observing a few simple guidelines when out at a club, particularly for the first time. Obviously rules can vary from one club to another, but there are some general philosophies which should serve you well regardless of where you are.

• Read and understand the rules of the club you are going to, if possible in advance of your arrival. Chances are when you enter the club, and pay your entrance fee you will have to sign a waiver of consent and liability for the club. This will explain what is disallowed and what is expected of you. First timers should read these carefully and adhere absolutely.
• Don’t become too intoxicated. Whether the club has a bar or is b.y.o.b. stay in control of yourself. In my experience most feel it is unwise to play under the influence, and drunken behavior may get you kicked out.
• For your first time out, you may just want to observe others playing to get a feeling for what goes on. You shouldn’t feel any pressure to perform just because you are there.
• Don’t act like you own the joint. Respect that this club may be home to more than a few people. Though it is technically a public setting it is still a private place. Behave accordingly.
• Cell phone use may be prohibited. Because of the nature of what we do in our clubs, many will ask you to keep them out of sight, turned off or even ask you to check them at the door. With the advent of smart phones and easy access to the internet, people can be quickly outed in a big way. We want to avoid this and so should you.
• Respect the Dungeon Monitor. Most clubs employ someone to keep an eye on the goings on at the club. They make sure play remains safe and consensual.
• Keep things quiet if you are watching others play. Interrupting someone else’s scene, whether intentionally or not, is considered rude. Don’t ask them questions or observe from anything less than a respectful distance. And if you and your friend simply must have that loud conversation right now, take it outside.
• It’s ok to stare, but try to avoid pointing obviously.
• Don’t judge what you don’t understand. Keep an open mind. But if you can’t do that, at least keep a closed mouth. We don’t care if you approve or not.
• Respect people’s personal space, be friendly, but be cool.

All of this stuff is based in common sense and courtesy, but it’s important to point it out because sometimes people don’t seem to think those things apply in the dungeon setting. I can assure you that they do.

I don’t mean to imply that you should not be yourself, and I’d never do so. But until you have gotten your feet wet and seen what really goes on, just be cool about it. You’ll be glad you did.

So now that you are armed with enough information to keep you from embarrassing yourself, how do you begin to enter the public scene? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to know someone already involved, or know of a club you can go to. Perhaps you’re already aware of the social networking sites used by kinksters around the world to connect and gather with each other.

But what if you’re like I was when I was new? What if this self-discovery finds you far removed from a large metropolitan area? Let me share some of my experience with you.

I first discovered my kink after two failed marriages in which the sex life had been a big part of the problem and ultimately the destruction (in part) of the relationships. I always gravitated towards the darker, edgier parts of life, art, porn etc… But even though I somehow knew something was missing, I never really knew what it was. After my second divorce I found myself alone, in my early forties and living in a very small city in the Pacific Northwest; disillusioned and dissatisfied.

I managed, however, to befriend two couples, much younger than I was, who introduced me to the fetish community there, such as it was. I can distinctly recall going to a club for the first time and seeing the artwork on the walls. Most of it was highly erotic rope and suspension art and I was fascinated by the seductive beauty of it all. Seeing the photos of these women bound, gagged and displayed in all manner of compromising positions turned me on like I never had been before.

That new year’s eve we took a road trip up to Vancouver B.C. to attend an event known as Sin City, a bi-weekly kink rave complete with full bars, open dungeon play areas, and half naked Canadians from 19 to 90. I was hooked immediately and spent the next couple of years trying to get my kink on with girls I’d meet here and there, but the scene in that town was practically nonexistent and I quickly became frustrated.

Eventually I found my way back home to Los Angeles, a veritable bee hive of kinky activity, and proceeded to jump in feet first. My first event was a munch, which is just a social dinner gathering in a public restaurant. We hold these as a way to meet new people in a no pressure situation.

I immediately met lots of people with varying degrees of experience in the life and was eager to get started acquiring my submissives right away.

But you know what? That first year, while often enjoyable and fulfilling, was also frustrating, embarrassing, and even heart breaking. I soon realized that I was floundering and on the verge of leaving the scene entirely. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to cut it. See, despite the fact that I had known I was kinky and freaky in the bedroom for quite a while; I had no idea what it meant to actually live the lifestyle out loud. I had NO experience with true lifestylers who lived openly 24/7. I hadn’t the slightest idea what a protocol was, what the power exchange dynamic was about, none of the real deal. I was lost.

After a few failed attempts at D/s relationships, I found myself becoming shy and introverted and hesitant to even keep on trying for fear of more failure. Finally this led me to a surrender of truth; I needed help. I reached out to some of the men I had met in the scene, hoping for guidance, advice, and a Mentor.

Soon a man I knew through a friend suggested that I attend an MDHL meeting in Los Angeles. (MDHL is Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather) Like LGBT, (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual) this is a means of identification, but also a place to call home with those of your particular ilk. There I met my mentor and began my true excursion into the world of the BDSM lifestyle.

Since that time I have been growing in leaps and bounds in technique, experience and attitude and have found true inner happiness exploring and living out my Dominant nature.

Your early time in the BDSM scene can vary depending on your individual situation. Whether you be male or female, Dominant or submissive, or even if you are unsure of exactly where you fall in, can have an impact on your experience.

New submissives are by far in the most demand and get the most attention. While this fact can make finding play partners to have new experiences with much easier; it can also lead to a state we call “frenzy”. Frenzy can happen to sub and Dom alike and is characterized by an overwhelming obsession to experience everything and anything as quickly as possible. This state often leads people to make snap decisions based on too little information about the people and activity they are getting involved with. It can lead to burnout, disappointment and even harm if not kept in check. Trust me, I speak from personal experience in this matter.

My advice to new people is to take things slowly. Above everything else you must keep your mental, emotional and physical health as your first priority.

Seek out classes and seminars in your area. If you know what your identification is, reach out to others of your ilk who have more experience than you. Don’t allow yourself to get into dangerous situations with people you don’t know. Start off by playing publicly so you have others around who will also keep your safety in mind.

New Tops can face their own challenges, namely finding people to play with. The question becomes, how to gain experience when you have no experience? I have found that many experienced subs or bottoms are unwilling to play with a Top who doesn’t know what they are doing. So how do you become proficient enough to have confidence in what you are doing, and convey that confidence to them?

The internet is full of helpful videos about how to use flogs, paddles, canes etc… and instructional vids on rope bondage of all kinds. These are a good start but in my opinion nothing suffices for the personal instruction of an experienced player. Ask around, find classes or people who offer instruction in your areas of interest. Be patient, take the time to learn proper techniques, ask questions, you’ll be glad you did. The more humble and honest you are with people about where you’re at in your path, the more they will respect and be willing to help you.

Again I recommend seeking out people in your area who already have the experience you want, get to know them and learn from them. Mentors and friends are going to be your best bet in your early years in the scene. They have already experienced much if not all of what you are about to and can help you identify things like frenzy, drop and the like.

Some final thoughts… On consent, while it is true that our activities are generally based on mutual consent and gratification of pleasure, it’s important to note something. We are people who love to push the envelope of what’s acceptable. Dominants are people who love to take what they want and submissives are people who love to please. What this sometimes means is that even though a negotiation may have established some parameters based on consent and limits, at times these may be pushed. Those limits may be tested and broken through. In the heat of passion boundaries may be blown away in favor of testing new ground. This kind of thing can and does happen, though for new people, again I caution some restraint and slowness of pace. You have to learn what the rules are before you can break them.

On use of safe words during play; the reliance on safe words may be compromised under the influence of sub space. The Top or Dominant is also responsible to feel the bottoms energy, check in with them from time to time to make sure they are doing alright. The nature of a submissive is to please, sometimes even at the cost of their own comfort and safety. As Tops/Doms, we must also take responsibility to provide for their safety.

And finally, above all else, remember to have fun. Lest my cautions give you the wrong impression, I want to emphasize this one fact; we do this stuff because we enjoy it! So get out there and get to it!!

We’d love to hear about your first experience going to a public play party! Share in the comments section below.

Frederick M. is 24/7 MDHL; Male Dominant Heterosexual Leather and proudly mentored by a member of the Monarchs. He currently resides in Los Angeles practicing polyamory with his two lovely submissives.

BDSM Head space

November 2, 2015 By Simon Blaise 1 Comment

Having a hard time getting into altered head spaces during play?

This article is not for anyone in the community who is happy and healthy with a Labelcentric BDSM Lifestyle, which I respect and support. This article is primarily for those who have never reached an altered head space during play.

Hard time getting into head space?

We hear things around the munches and dungeons all the time, like “submission is a gift, tops don’t bottom, otherwise they would be switches or aren’t true tops, if you don’t figure out your role, no one will want to play with you, and I’m a bottom, so topping is not something I ever want to do,” but do we ever think how these statements truly affect our BDSM experience?

This article is meant to help people understand one of the most challenging obstacles for reaching an altered head space I’ve come across so far.

If you are experiencing trouble with head space, you will likely experience kink like never before if you incorporate some of the following concepts into your life. The primary obstacle to overcome is allowing your heart, genitalia and mind to accept that during play, those people who take on the role of top and dominant are simply “givers” and bottoms and submissives are simply “receivers”. (If you accept this, you can use your name as the label for all other things kinky about yourself.)

Give and receive what?
The giver gives touch, attention, effort, thought, awareness, technique, toys, and experience to name a few – the receiver receives all of what the giver gives as she goes to an altered head space, of which she enjoys on multiple levels, usually feeling healed, recharged and refreshed afterwards. Once a receiver accepts this, her play will do more for her and the giver than she could ever imagine.

Receiver Troubleshooting
Simply put, receivers cannot get into headspace without gratitude and humility in their heart.

If the receiver believes her act of standing there and reacting to impact play is truly a gift to the giver, she will never have the requisite amount of humility or gratitude to get into an altered head space. The more superficially attractive she may be, the harder humility and gratitude will come for her.

When one sees themselves as a gift to another person or otherwise does not humble themselves and feel gratitude for the moment and efforts, they are not opening up their energy, but creating a black hole for which energy is trapped and consumed at the detriment of the giver.

To have gratitude and humility flowing strongly and with determination through your heart is one way to walk the path to becoming more vulnerable and open with a giver. I cannot think of a powerful and meaningful way to open one’s self up to another human being during SM play. If you are having a hard time with gratitude and humility, think about this: Most receivers just want to receive and strongly dislike giving of themselves to the giver in the way givers give. Receivers should be humbled by the fact givers are willing to give to receivers what receivers are not willing to give to givers.

Giver Troubleshooting
When it takes two for SM Magic, there’s a 50% chance you’re not the reason you have a problem with head space.

The Giver’s Ego: Since trust is an important component for getting into an altered head space, givers must tame their ego and be equally grateful and humble towards receivers as a show of strength and control. Givers who haven’t tamed their own ego cannot tame the receiver’s ego enough for her to let go during play. Cocky people are sexy, but not always easy to trust. If you’re a giver, arrogance is a valuable tool to keep women prone to dungeon love at a safe distance.

This is why highly skilled and talented givers with out of control egos are seen as tragic by so many receivers – the giver has everything going for him in the world of impact play, yet nothing to offer the receiver energetically. Givers who continue to give to receivers without getting gratitude back from the receiver eventually suffer spiritual decay and become bitter negative souls unless their reason for giving is purely selfless. This means that most givers thrive on gratitude and find inspiration in a receiver’s humility that gives the giver energy and will to take the receiver to new heights in head space.

Subspace vs. Head Space

If you’re having trouble with reaching different mental states during play, try not calling it “subspace”. The gift and miracle of head spaces has been buried by the term “subspace”. There are so many different kinds of mental states one can reach during play, both giver and receiver, that to call it subspace would be an oversimplification if it were not for the fact the term itself is defective – you don’t have to be a label, in this case “sub”, or be dominant or submissive, to enjoy an altered space brought about with sensations to the body and interaction with the mind.

Conclusion

This may not make sense initially, but if you practice accepting the concepts above and getting your soul closer to a more grateful and humble soul, you will soon have an ah-ha moment right before the most powerful orgasm of your life. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open because it’s during those times when you are at your strongest and can grow the most.

Both the giver and receiver need to practice gratitude and humility for SM Magic to happen. One might have a great endorphin rush initially when the ego is present in a scene, but eventually they will find themselves not playing as much once the soul figures out it’s not getting nourished, but fed upon in a destructive way, or at least seems destructive to me since I’ve experienced both sides.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s

November 2, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Comedian Steven Wright tells a story where, at 4 A.M., he goes to a diner that says, “Open 24 Hours” It was closed. The next day he asks the owner, “Aren’t you open 24 hours?” The owner replies, “Yeah, we are…but not in a row!”

There are many takes on the 24/7 Master/slave subject, but I personally believe you can be 24/7…but it doesn’t have to be “in a row.” (Note: 24/7 should not be confused with High Protocol relationships. We will cover Protocols – High, Medium and Low — in a future Kink Weekly edition.)

I know some couples in linear “in a row” 24/7 Master/slave relationships; but most Master/slave relationships are not of this variety. In fact, with real world concerns such as jobs and kids, this type of linear 24/7 Master/slave relationship is almost impossible — except for the few who are willing to make the demanding commitment that this type of relationship requires. Keeping these factors in mind, I have come up with a working definition that seems to cover all the bases.

“24/7 Master/slave is a mental/physical state of non-stop ownership.”

This definition explains why even non-live-in 24/7 Master/slave unions can be every bit as powerful their 24/7 live-in counterparts. My personal belief is that one can be owned 24/7, much like one can be married 24/7 — the marriage doesn’t end when you leave each other’s presence. But in the BDSM world there are many techniques that can be used to ensure the 24/7 dynamic stays strong – even when separated.

For example, in a collared relationship, the actual collar is a constant reminder of the slave’s submission. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Master touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to almost all of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. It might be said that the slave collar is the single biggest symbol that connects the slave to the Master/Mistress at all times.

But, there are other techniques that can keep the D/s dynamic intact when the two are apart. For example, I know a slave who wears ankle cuffs under her pants when she is in the business world. Many Dom/mes make their slaves wear some sexual device – such as a butt plug – while they are apart. This works – but it is usually not practical for a slave who has a desk job. LOL!

Luckily, there are new technologies that enable those in non-linear Master/slave relationships to maintain, and even add to, their 24/7 dynamic.
With the emergence of the smart phone, Master/slave relationships have a new ally. With the clever use of “smart phone-as-protocol,” one can easily uphold the Master/slave hierarchy at all times. For example, the slave can be required to call in when she arrives at work and say an affirmation. It can be one brief sentence (“Sir/Madame, I am your slave”) or even a picture; this can reinforce the both the Dom/me and slave’s consciousness of their respective roles. Smart phone based protocols can duplicate in-person rituals of a Master/slave relationship. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!)

I know a Master who calls his slave during her lunch hour and gives her a small task to perform. It might be very minor – such as her meditating for a minute or two. But, it does strengthen their Master/slave hierarchy in a truly innovative way. Likely the next generation of communication devices will open up even newer ways to extend the range of D/s for those in “24/7 but not in a row” relationships.

But does eliminating linearity as a requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master or Mistress. These are qualities that must be cultivated – whether it is 24/7, 5/3 or even long distance.

BDSM is constantly evolving. There cannot be one right way to do it. If you use a rigid definition of 24/7 Master/slave, you are excluding many couples who might have very potent power exchange dynamics. The strength of a slave’s submission, for example, is not necessarily proportional to the amount of hours per week spent in serving his/her Master/Mistress. I think it is, however, relative to the quality of the submission and the strength of the connection between the two – whether by cell phone, telepathy or spirit – during the time they are apart.

So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article might make you less scared to attempt it. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if not in a row! Tell us what you think in the comments.

BDSM Aftercare

October 19, 2015 By Jenn Masri 6 Comments

What is aftercare? What does it entail? Why do people need/want it?

Aftercare, in its simplest definition, is something that takes place in the time following a scene. In my opinion, it’s best to think of aftercare as a part of a scene – the last chapter of the story, so to speak.

First, let’s talk about what aftercare may look like. It is different for different people. In general you will tend to see the bottom covered or wrapped in some kind of blanket if available, drinking water, perhaps laying with or next to the Top. They may have their head on the Top’s lap – either laying on a seat or bench next to them or sitting at the Top’s feet. Once they’ve rested for a bit they may look to eat some food and talk quietly about the scene or just about how both parties are feeling.

So what are some variations to this? Some bottoms have very specific aftercare requests. My advice to those with certain needs that aren’t guaranteed is to have those things on hand. If you always love to eat a cookie after play, bring a cookie. If you like a specific blanket, bring it. Don’t rely on your Top or the club to have these things on hand. There may be plenty of snacks out before you start your scene and by the time you’re done it’s all been eaten. Another idea (and great for fulfilling any “service” needs/fetishes you have) is to pack up a little picnic with water and snacks for both you and your Top. It is a very nice thing to do – especially if you know you will have a more intense scene.

Some bottoms or Tops need the opposite of the “norm”. They may need to be left alone for a certain amount of time. Perhaps they don’t like to be touched right after play for a while. They may not want to talk. There are some Tops that don’t enjoy giving aftercare, or whose aftercare requirements include activities that remove them from the bottom. Maybe they like to go straight outside to cool off and have a smoke.

Tops that don’t enjoy or don’t offer aftercare, for whatever reason, should discuss this during negotiation and offer other support or recommend that the bottom has another person for support or aftercare after the scene. Never leave a bottom hanging after a scene is over! Even if the bottom wants to not be touched or spoken to – still make sure you have an eye on them.
Also, leave enough time – don’t fill your dance card with scenes and no time in between for aftercare. Like I said, aftercare should be negotiated as a part of the scene. I recommend having no more than 1-2 “planned” scenes in one evening. If more happen and it’s all good – great. However, this allows for time in case something goes wrong, a bottom needs more time in aftercare, a trigger comes up, etc. You never want someone to feel bad or guilty because you make them feel rushed or that giving them aftercare is an inconvenience.

Having said that, just as some Tops don’t enjoy aftercare, there are bottoms that don’t need or want it either. If a bottom says they typically don’t need aftercare that’s ok. However, I still advise leaving enough time for it. The bottom may experience something in the scene that causes them to desire aftercare or perhaps they reach subspace (or a different level of subspace) and they want some aftercare. Again, better to make the time and not need it than to need it and not have the time.

So now the question is why? Why do people (for the most part) seek out aftercare? To me the reasons why fall under one or more of three categories – the 3 “R’s” – Reconnection, Reflection/debriefing, and/or Recouperation.

Reconnection. Most scenes include one or more of the following – role play/various headspaces, humiliation and/or degredation, and/or pain. Aftercare provides a time for both parties to connect with one another in a positive way – whether it’s a play partner who is an aquantance, friend or romantic partner. It reinforces the respect, friendship and/or love they have for one another.

Reflection/debriefing. This can be a time to talk a little about the scene itself. The good stuff as well as anything that may have triggered either party. Discussion over what worked or didn’t. Making sure that everyone is ok emotionally and psychologically. There may be more of this over the first few days following a scene but this can be a time to speak to it in general.

Recouperation. Make sure you are both drinking water and getting some food if necessary. If any minor injuries occured during the scene or something was uncomfortable physically this may be a time to double check and make sure it’s all good. Also, the bottom may be a bit “spacey” having gone into subspace a little or a lot. Aftercare gives them time to “come down a bit” so they can walk, talk, and eventually drive home. Sometimes you may not be in subspace but still feel sleepy or just generally “out of it” for a bit. These feelings go for Tops as well!

General rule: never take advantage of someone during aftercare! They are usually in an altered state due to the chemicals that were released in their body. You should not make any sexual advances or play advances during this time unless it was negotiated BEFORE the scene!

There is an extention of aftercare that also needs to be addressed. As the Top you should be prepared to check in with the bottom the next day and a couple days later. This is to cover any possible subdrop. If you know you won’t be able to check in, then make sure the bottom has arranged for another friend to check in with them or that they have alternative plans in place. Bottoms, this is also a great time to continue to reflect on the scene and write a message to your Top giving them feedback.

All in all, aftercare can be, and usually is, a lovely and peaceful time for both (or all) people involved in a scene. It serves many purposes for most people. I know a few folks that look forward to the aftercare even more than the scene itself! Don’t treat it as an afterthought – aftercare can be just as important as the play involved. Enjoy it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here.

Top Ten BDSM Tips

October 19, 2015 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

All of us have read, at one time or another, one of those Cosmo “Ten Ways to a Better Relationship” type article. Most times, the tips are rehashed advice you have heard ten thousand times before. But once in a while, there is a tip that gives you a technique you might never have thought of in a million years – one that really helps your relationship. (At least until the next issue of Cosmo!)

It is in this tradition of pop magazine instant-insights that I am offering my “Top Ten BDSM Tips” for those in a BDSM relationship. I am sure most of them will not apply to you – especially if your relationship is brand spanking new! But, if even one of these tips helps, this Kink Weekly exclusive was worth writing.

1. Have a BDSM tune-up every six months. If cars can have a tune-up, why not BDSM relationships? Have your submissive make a list of ten activities he/she has done in order of preference. Then he/she should write a BDSM “wish list” of ten activities he/she hasn’t done but wants to do. These two lists should give you plenty of inspiration (and a bit of a reality check, too!) for play that will turn the both of you on. At least until your next “tune-up.” Any risk of “topping from the bottom” is negated by keeping your relationship fresh and exciting.

2. Repeat your first major BDSM scene. Remember your first special BDSM scene with your partner? By re-doing your most memorable early scene, you will be able to see how far you have progressed. BDSM is one activity that can get better with age and experience. This exercise will prove it to you!

3. Learn the fine art of hinting. As a submissive, learn the subtle art of hinting. “I really liked that cock-and-ball torture demo we saw.” Remember, it’s always better to be slightly Toppy than bored!

4. Re-read your slave contract. Most lifestylers I know simply file away their slave contract in a drawer next to the Best Buy receipts. Both of you should read it regularly. You might be amazed how much you have let slide in your relationship.

5. Buy new toys regularly. Add a new toy to your play and watch your BDSM scening become much more exciting. (This tip really sounds Cosmo-ish!) And the toys needn’t only come from the Dom. Submissives, surprise your Dominant with a new toy. Any “Topping from the bottom” issues disappear when gifts are concerned!

6. Write diaries. Make sure your submissive writes a regular diary. There is no better way for a Dominant to learn about his/her submissive.

7. Read the diaries. Read your slave’s diaries from time to time. Much like the slave contract, a diary gives you insight into your slave and a sense of where your relationship was and where it is going. Relationships don’t run on auto-Dom/Domme. This is a great way to understand your relationship from the submissive’s point of view and make the necessary corrections.

8. Learn a new BDSM technique. As a Dom, learn mummification for example. A new scening skill is the best antidote for boredom!

9. Go to a play party. This tip is for those of you who have never been to a play party. Since you do not have to scene if you don’t want to (voyeurism is an accepted BDSM practice), a play party is the ideal place to get new scening ideas.

10. Make a BDSM checklist. This is for the Dom/Dommes. Make a check list of all the scenes and activities you have done with your submissive since you met. Mark them from one-to-ten. Surprise – I bet you will re-discover “nines and tens” that you forgot about. Revisit them. These are the activities that will really get your juices flowing. (Start with a Cosmo phrase, end with a Cosmo phrase!)

I think that these tips will help you get around any obstacle – be it boredom, lack of new ideas or just plain laziness – that can threaten any relationship.

dynamic

Footer