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The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle
via stock.adobe.com

Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that.  I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice.  But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual).  Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink).  While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition.  I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits.  While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning.  We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word.  It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.  

Back then, no one talked about mental issues.  No one discussed sub drop.  No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up.  No one talked about it.  The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard.  Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom.  The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant.  A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with.  I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords.  “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom.  It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant.  It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded.  Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out.  For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read.  It was simply accepted as the way of things.  I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now.  Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice.  A chance to be heard.  A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave.  Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation.  We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community.  Maybe, somewhere, they have.  But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior.  He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades.  He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me.  There was no negotiation.  And I believed that was normal.  He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics.  Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir.  I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting.  Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home.  Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl.  I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree.  My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful.  I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved.  I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch.  Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again.  Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM.  I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity.  I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man.  Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.


I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started.  Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all.  Because, back then, safewords were a handicap.  They were a disappointment.  They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.


Over time, my definition changed.  When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system.  Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately.  Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums. 

I rarely use any of the safewords.  Yellow is reserved for health issues.  For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh.  I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.”  It does not stop our play.  We do not stop to check in.  He readjusts his swing, and we continue.  He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used.  I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it.  The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits.  Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.  

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating.  If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point.  When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing.  Its several voices talking over each other.  One argues to safeword.  One argues that I can take more.  One says to push my limits.  One says to back off.  One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering.  It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more.  By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head.  I become catatonic.  I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword.  I stop recognizing my own name.  I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.  

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second.  Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing.  In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me.  In my head, I can take anything he can dream up.  In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.


I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword.  There are the individuals who play without them.  People like those who taught me.  There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes.  You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship.  You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights.  There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago.  We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.  

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword.  Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property.  I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master.  I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most.  I am his to do with as he pleases.  I am there for his pleasure and in service to him.  That is how I view my submission.  Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword.  I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.  

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way.  But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.


*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years.   What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bottom, boundaries, consent, dominant, hard limits, limits, negotiation, power dynamic, power exchange, safeword, soft limits, submissive, Top

Predators In The Scene

October 10, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

dominant man and beautiful submissive in car
via stock.adobe.com

I’ve been involved in the scene for well over a decade and have learned a tremendous amount in a relatively short amount of time.  I’ve gone from clueless noob, to less clueless noob, to vaguely less clueless but not noob, to knowing some stuff, to knowing enough stuff to be in a relationship, to being happy to not need to know all the things. It’s been a fun, somewhat peril-filled journey that’s inevitable even if it’s not necessarily what I might have thought.

During that time I’ve encountered a great many predators, both anecdotally and personally. And, like the mythical Hydra, each time one seems to be dealt with and expunged, two more crop up to take their place. Worse, some of them are like a bad penny, turning up again and again.

So how does one define a predator? Simply put, they’re someone who’s out only for themselves, a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath who’s only interested in gratifying their own desires. They have little to no regard for anyone else, existing only in their own head and scratching their own itches.

They tend to be unsafe players intentionally, as they’re often sadists who’re indifferent to the inclinations of those under them. They’ll beat someone black-and-blue or even bloody, all the while complaining about the bottom’s inadequacy in taking pain. They’ll clumsily tie someone ignoring trigger points and nerves, causing pain and permanent damage. Needless to say, they’re no fans of safe words.

And of course, they have a tendency to prey on new people.

So yeah, I’ve… we’ve as a community… encountered them. And inevitably we drive them out. We’ve won! Game over!

Except it isn’t.

Many of them hang out in the periphery of any local community, sniping new profiles on FetLife, contacting them and ingratiating themselves, even as they denigrate the local scene. They’re bad people, but it can also be easy to warn new people away from them. Stick to the groups and you’ll be fine, right?

Sure, except for the groups that are harboring predators or, worse, are run by predators.

They’re the groups with a member (or members) that seem to have an inordinate number of consent violations against them, yet seem to enjoy an otherwise sterling reputation, particularly amongst the leadership (with whom they’re best friends).  Often the defense which is given is, “I’ve never seen them do anything bad,” or, “They’ve never done anything to me.” Both of which are, of course, utter and complete horse shit.

You’d think that in a age of #MeToo we’d be better at believing the victim. But it turns out that we’re not. Perhaps we’re too proud of the “consent culture” we’re providing but, if someone’s got a lot of consent violations floating around them, they need to be addressed.

And then there are the groups that are actually run by said predators, often under the auspices of being a group for new people, a sort of “101 group”. Sure they may well do a decent job of presenting 101-style topics and throwing parties which are highly welcoming for newbies. But they also serve as a target-rich environment for the predators at the top. 

Ask yourself this; how often have you seen a group’s leadership take a surprising, personal interest in a promising, pretty new member, and then said member is gone within six months? Consider the concept that they’ve been abused and tossed aside, never to return to something they once craved but are now soured on.

There are more subtle examples as well, people who were once eager and wide-eyed and remain as more cynical and suspicious individuals. 

We also need to notice that these predatory “community leaders” have a tendency to push out the best people in the actual community; they don’t like the competition nor the fact that they’ll get called out for their bad behavior. My personal count is seventeen, people with whom I was good friends, but who I now only see at private events, disgusted as they are with the public scene.

Of course it’s not all bad news. Many of said “good people”, as well as those who’ve seen their consent violated, go on to form their own groups, often to bring in new people and help them navigate what they see as a complicated and potentially dangerous scene. I know of a few locally, and it warms my heart to see them thriving.

But how can you tell the two apart, the predator-led groups from the good-people-led groups? 

Honestly, as a newbie, you often can’t. Both can have sterling reputations, with large memberships and long histories. Indeed, the “good” groups may have a shorter history with fewer members.

In the end, it’s up to you. Use your best judgement, trust your instincts, trust your feelings. Predators can have a way of saying the right things, and a practiced manner of ingratiating themselves, but it always feels wrong. Go with your gut. The good people will always feel good.


PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, kink, Kink Community, limits, play, predators, safety

Video: How To End A Scene

September 12, 2020 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

BDSM 101: How To End a Scene

Many folks solely focus on the beginning and middle of a scene. However, the end is just as important.

Be sure to watch this essential video on how to properly end a scene from Evie Lupine.

Hone your communication skills and learn important things to consider throughout the entire scene.

Improve your play today with this insightful video!

Tagged With: bdsm play, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, consent, fetish, kink, limits, sex

Video: Negotiating Boundaries & Limits In D/s Relationships

August 3, 2020 By DesiresLaidBare 2 Comments

In this video, Veronica Yahns steps through the five areas you should talk through when negotiating a D/s relationship with your partner.

“So, you’ve talked to your partner and they’ve said ‘yes’ to exploring a Dominant / submissive relationship dynamic with you. Hooray! But… what now?”

Find the answer to this and much more in this helpful video!

Tagged With: boundaries, consensual, consent, d/s relationship, limits, negotiation

What Are “Hard” and “Soft” Limits?

March 12, 2018 By Morgan Thorne 4 Comments

checklist-2313804_640If you’re new to BDSM, one of the first things you will hear about are limits. You may also see people declare themselves a “no limits slave” or demand a submissive partner without limits. What does that mean and what are limits? What is the difference between hard and soft limits? Why do we even need limits in the first place?

Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into “soft” and “hard” limits. An important point to remember is that Dominants and submissives, tops and bottoms all get to have limits. We all have things we won’t do, part of finding a compatible partner is finding a person who likes similar things and dislikes similar things. A person whose hard limit is your favourite activity probably isn’t a good match.

A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person. It could be an activity that you feel is too dangerous to participate in, except with a person who has demonstrated expertise in that area. It could be something that both intrigues you and horrifies you, that you would only consider doing with someone you trusted deeply.

When people talk about “pushing limits” in BDSM, they are often talking about playing around the edges of these soft limits. It’s something that should only be engaged in after serious talk or negotiation – it’s not up to the top/Dominant to unilaterally decide that it’s time to push limits without the input of their partner. Pushing limits can also result in some messy emotional or psychological stuff. Everyone involved should be aware of the potential consequences and be prepared to deal with the fallout, if and when it happens.

Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun. I’ve met people who have tickling as a hard limit – you or I may not think it’s a big deal, but it is for them and that needs to be respected. You can’t disregard a limit because you don’t think it is important.

Hard limits are considered pretty sacred in kink communities. People who violate hard limits (or soft limits without express permission) are correctly viewed as dangerous players. Not only have they violated consent, but they’ve done the very thing they were told not to do. In most communities, it is enough to get you ostracised.

It is important to recognize that limits aren’t carved in stone. The limits I have now are much different than the limits I had when first starting out in BDSM more than 20 years ago. A few have survived, but not many. In some cases, my understanding of the activity grew, for others, it’s just a matter of changing taste. I’ve added limits in that time too, things I didn’t know were a kink (or that didn’t apply to me then but do now), things that reflect some bad experiences I’ve had in life in general and things I’ve tried in kink that I found I don’t like.

Limits can also be different from one person to the next. You may choose to only engage in sexual play with your romantic partner, but enjoy non-sexual play with others. Sexual activity (as you define it) with people other than your romantic partner would be your hard limit.

You can choose anything at all for your limits. You can have as many limits as you need. Anyone who shames or teases you for your limits or the amount of them should be avoided as a partner – will they really respect your limits during play? As long as you inform your partners of any changes in your limits, you are free to set them wherever it is comfortable for you.

So what is with the “no limits” thing? Often the ones bragging or demanding no limits are new or uninformed about what limits are. I refuse to play with a person who has so little regard for themselves that they wouldn’t set limits on play with a new partner. Often they are fantasists with little to no actual BDSM experience. I often remind these people of my interest in flesh hooks suspension (many experienced kinksters will joke about “chainsaw play”). It usually gets the point across.

There are some people who, after developing a deep sense of trust with a partner, may choose to have “no limits”. This is often less discarding limits as it is finding someone whose limits are similar to yours. This is much different than the people who claim no limits to absolute strangers. If you choose to engage in this style of relationship, knowing your partner well is important.

Determining your limits will take some introspection and reflective thought. In the next article, we will discuss 5 methods that you can use to help sort out what your limits are.

By: Morgan Thorne

Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.

Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.

In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!

Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/identities. BDSM is an integral part of her personal, romantic relationships. Morgan is both asexual and pan-romantic.

Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.

Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.

Tagged With: bdsm, hard limits, limits, soft limits

Protection

September 26, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

busted

No, this article isn’t about condoms or the Mafia protection racket. But, for a few of you, this could be one of the most important articles about BDSM you will ever read. Hyperbole, you ask? Maybe – but it could save you incredible expense and even jail time.

This headline was featured in the September 21, 2016 New York Post —

“Authorities picked up a kinky Soho couple Wednesday for extradition to Utah to face charges that they forced a brunette beauty into a S&M threesome in their hotel room while they were in town for the Sundance Film Festival.
Anne Harcastle, 27, and Michael Taylor, 45, have been held in jail since their Sept. 9 arrest for allegedly raping the 23-year-old woman. The lovebirds appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court separately and will take different flights to Utah, law-enforcement sources said.”

Note that these people might very well be innocent. They are, in point of fact, innocent until proven guilty. However, even if guiltless, they face significant legal fees to beat the rap, stiff civil fines and the possibility they could spend time in jail. (Obviously, if guilty, they deserve serious prison time.)

Since we do not know the particulars of this case, let us use this unfortunate incident (for at least some of the participants) for what is often called a “teachable moment.”

I have observed three innocent BDSM-oriented situations that could lead to this kind of disaster. But it is a calamity that can easily be prevented. Let’s examine these three scenarios; afterward, I will give you an effective way to “inoculate yourself.”

1. “Buyer’s remorse.” Here a newbie submissive/bottom interested in BDSM meets a Dom/Domme (off Craig’s List?) and agrees to play with him/her for the first time. After some heavy spanking and flogging, all seems well. Aftercare in place. The submissive goes home seemingly happy. Two days later, what were light markings turn black and blue. The pain increases. “This is not what I signed up for.” Enter a lawyer – or even police – when the submissive claims abuse. And there are marks to prove it. What should you have done to protect yourself? The answer — after the third scenario.

2. “Hell hath no fury…” After what appears to the sub to be a bonding S&M encounter, with whips and canes, the Top never calls – or even texts — the bottom again. “I gave him/her my body to use and he/she rejects me? I’ll show him/her.” Once again, armed with serious markings, the bottom is on the warpath. Poor Top. He/she is likely sunk.

3. “I thought I would like it.” The bottom in this case has no idea what to expect; “Fifty Shades of Grey” is her/his sole source of BDSM information. Even if given a safe word, he/she might not be skilled enough to use it. The flogging – and possibly sex – are exciting but go way past what she had envisioned. Next day, the bottom is in pain and thinks she really didn’t agree to all this. Once again, the sue-happy lawyers and the arrest- happy police make their unwelcomed entrance stage right.

So, could these legal/police endings – in these or similar situations — have been prevented? Assuming all these scenes were consensual, the answer usually is, “Yes!”

The key is that one must have evidence that these scenes were, in fact, consensual. In the pre-camera phone days, one needed to have the submissive sign a consensuality agreement complete with driver’s license information. But now, with iPhones, it is much easier.

Simply video the bottom stating that you are all friends and everything you are planning to do – including sex if that is on the program — is completely consensual. Have her/him hold up a driver’s license and you are good to go. If the bottom refuses, then you must make your decision whether to continue on or not. That is your call; but you have no protection. (If you are playing in a dungeon, the presence of witnesses would likely make this step unnecessary. We are discussing private play here. However, if you are a heavy player with a newbie, you might want to be doubly safe and take a quick consent video.)

Legally, one cannot consent to being beaten; and there are some conservative jurisdictions that might not accept a “consent defense.” Still, an agreement such as this “visual consent form” will likely stop all proceedings in its tracks. At the very least, you will “have a leg to stand on,” in pop legalize.

Usually, if the Top practices safe, sane and consensual BDSM, these problems will never arise. But, in the words of the Mafia boss in Martin Scorcese’s Casino, “Why take a chance?”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: limits, negotiation, protection, safety

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