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Many folks solely focus on the beginning and middle of a scene. However, the end is just as important.
Be sure to watch this essential video on how to properly end a scene from Evie Lupine.
Hone your communication skills and learn important things to consider throughout the entire scene.
Improve your play today with this insightful video!
In this video, Veronica Yahns steps through the five areas you should talk through when negotiating a D/s relationship with your partner.
“So, you’ve talked to your partner and they’ve said ‘yes’ to exploring a Dominant / submissive relationship dynamic with you. Hooray! But… what now?”
Find the answer to this and much more in this helpful video!
If you’re new to BDSM, one of the first things you will hear about are limits. You may also see people declare themselves a “no limits slave” or demand a submissive partner without limits. What does that mean and what are limits? What is the difference between hard and soft limits? Why do we even need limits in the first place?
Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into “soft” and “hard” limits. An important point to remember is that Dominants and submissives, tops and bottoms all get to have limits. We all have things we won’t do, part of finding a compatible partner is finding a person who likes similar things and dislikes similar things. A person whose hard limit is your favourite activity probably isn’t a good match.
A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person. It could be an activity that you feel is too dangerous to participate in, except with a person who has demonstrated expertise in that area. It could be something that both intrigues you and horrifies you, that you would only consider doing with someone you trusted deeply.
When people talk about “pushing limits” in BDSM, they are often talking about playing around the edges of these soft limits. It’s something that should only be engaged in after serious talk or negotiation – it’s not up to the top/Dominant to unilaterally decide that it’s time to push limits without the input of their partner. Pushing limits can also result in some messy emotional or psychological stuff. Everyone involved should be aware of the potential consequences and be prepared to deal with the fallout, if and when it happens.
Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun. I’ve met people who have tickling as a hard limit – you or I may not think it’s a big deal, but it is for them and that needs to be respected. You can’t disregard a limit because you don’t think it is important.
Hard limits are considered pretty sacred in kink communities. People who violate hard limits (or soft limits without express permission) are correctly viewed as dangerous players. Not only have they violated consent, but they’ve done the very thing they were told not to do. In most communities, it is enough to get you ostracised.
It is important to recognize that limits aren’t carved in stone. The limits I have now are much different than the limits I had when first starting out in BDSM more than 20 years ago. A few have survived, but not many. In some cases, my understanding of the activity grew, for others, it’s just a matter of changing taste. I’ve added limits in that time too, things I didn’t know were a kink (or that didn’t apply to me then but do now), things that reflect some bad experiences I’ve had in life in general and things I’ve tried in kink that I found I don’t like.
Limits can also be different from one person to the next. You may choose to only engage in sexual play with your romantic partner, but enjoy non-sexual play with others. Sexual activity (as you define it) with people other than your romantic partner would be your hard limit.
You can choose anything at all for your limits. You can have as many limits as you need. Anyone who shames or teases you for your limits or the amount of them should be avoided as a partner – will they really respect your limits during play? As long as you inform your partners of any changes in your limits, you are free to set them wherever it is comfortable for you.
So what is with the “no limits” thing? Often the ones bragging or demanding no limits are new or uninformed about what limits are. I refuse to play with a person who has so little regard for themselves that they wouldn’t set limits on play with a new partner. Often they are fantasists with little to no actual BDSM experience. I often remind these people of my interest in flesh hooks suspension (many experienced kinksters will joke about “chainsaw play”). It usually gets the point across.
There are some people who, after developing a deep sense of trust with a partner, may choose to have “no limits”. This is often less discarding limits as it is finding someone whose limits are similar to yours. This is much different than the people who claim no limits to absolute strangers. If you choose to engage in this style of relationship, knowing your partner well is important.
Determining your limits will take some introspection and reflective thought. In the next article, we will discuss 5 methods that you can use to help sort out what your limits are.
By: Morgan Thorne
Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.
Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.
In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!
Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/
Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.
Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.
No, this article isn’t about condoms or the Mafia protection racket. But, for a few of you, this could be one of the most important articles about BDSM you will ever read. Hyperbole, you ask? Maybe – but it could save you incredible expense and even jail time.
This headline was featured in the September 21, 2016 New York Post —
“Authorities picked up a kinky Soho couple Wednesday for extradition to Utah to face charges that they forced a brunette beauty into a S&M threesome in their hotel room while they were in town for the Sundance Film Festival.
Anne Harcastle, 27, and Michael Taylor, 45, have been held in jail since their Sept. 9 arrest for allegedly raping the 23-year-old woman. The lovebirds appeared in Manhattan Criminal Court separately and will take different flights to Utah, law-enforcement sources said.”
Note that these people might very well be innocent. They are, in point of fact, innocent until proven guilty. However, even if guiltless, they face significant legal fees to beat the rap, stiff civil fines and the possibility they could spend time in jail. (Obviously, if guilty, they deserve serious prison time.)
Since we do not know the particulars of this case, let us use this unfortunate incident (for at least some of the participants) for what is often called a “teachable moment.”
I have observed three innocent BDSM-oriented situations that could lead to this kind of disaster. But it is a calamity that can easily be prevented. Let’s examine these three scenarios; afterward, I will give you an effective way to “inoculate yourself.”
1. “Buyer’s remorse.” Here a newbie submissive/bottom interested in BDSM meets a Dom/Domme (off Craig’s List?) and agrees to play with him/her for the first time. After some heavy spanking and flogging, all seems well. Aftercare in place. The submissive goes home seemingly happy. Two days later, what were light markings turn black and blue. The pain increases. “This is not what I signed up for.” Enter a lawyer – or even police – when the submissive claims abuse. And there are marks to prove it. What should you have done to protect yourself? The answer — after the third scenario.
2. “Hell hath no fury…” After what appears to the sub to be a bonding S&M encounter, with whips and canes, the Top never calls – or even texts — the bottom again. “I gave him/her my body to use and he/she rejects me? I’ll show him/her.” Once again, armed with serious markings, the bottom is on the warpath. Poor Top. He/she is likely sunk.
3. “I thought I would like it.” The bottom in this case has no idea what to expect; “Fifty Shades of Grey” is her/his sole source of BDSM information. Even if given a safe word, he/she might not be skilled enough to use it. The flogging – and possibly sex – are exciting but go way past what she had envisioned. Next day, the bottom is in pain and thinks she really didn’t agree to all this. Once again, the sue-happy lawyers and the arrest- happy police make their unwelcomed entrance stage right.
So, could these legal/police endings – in these or similar situations — have been prevented? Assuming all these scenes were consensual, the answer usually is, “Yes!”
The key is that one must have evidence that these scenes were, in fact, consensual. In the pre-camera phone days, one needed to have the submissive sign a consensuality agreement complete with driver’s license information. But now, with iPhones, it is much easier.
Simply video the bottom stating that you are all friends and everything you are planning to do – including sex if that is on the program — is completely consensual. Have her/him hold up a driver’s license and you are good to go. If the bottom refuses, then you must make your decision whether to continue on or not. That is your call; but you have no protection. (If you are playing in a dungeon, the presence of witnesses would likely make this step unnecessary. We are discussing private play here. However, if you are a heavy player with a newbie, you might want to be doubly safe and take a quick consent video.)
Legally, one cannot consent to being beaten; and there are some conservative jurisdictions that might not accept a “consent defense.” Still, an agreement such as this “visual consent form” will likely stop all proceedings in its tracks. At the very least, you will “have a leg to stand on,” in pop legalize.
Usually, if the Top practices safe, sane and consensual BDSM, these problems will never arise. But, in the words of the Mafia boss in Martin Scorcese’s Casino, “Why take a chance?”
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.