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How Do You “Weigh” In?

October 10, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So the idea for this article came up when a friend of mine posed a question in an open kinky forum. He asked, “when it comes to play, do you consider yourself a “light”, “medium”, or “heavy” player? this goes for tops and bottoms.”

As you can imagine he got many different responses – most of which came down to two basic responses. One, people took a guess at how “heavy” they think they are. Usually followed by a suggestion to double check that with their current or past play partners. Or two, they said how heavy they are depends on who they play with, the implements used, how long since they played last, etc. Basically that it may be different based on several possible variables. My reply was in the latter category.

This idea of “light” vs. “medium” vs “heavy” is such a subjective issue that there really aren’t definitive answers. I don’t believe most bottoms are one thing across the board. This refers to two things, partners and implements. A bottom may be “lighter” when playing with someone new to them because they are nervous, the partner and their style of play is still less familiar, etc. However, as trust develops and a higher level of comfort, so may the bottoms level of “heaviness”. As you begin to feel more trust, comfort and familiarity with a partner, it tends to be easier to relax and let go and dig a little deeper into the realm of subspace. Also, for some, they may be “heavier” with their Dominant or primary partner and not so much with other play partners – no matter how long they’ve been playing together. This may be because the bottom pushes themselves a little further with someone they are in a more committed D/s relationship with.

With implements you have a similar situation. I have met very few (can count on one hand) bottoms who can take the same level of play across all implements or types of play. For some it’s a matter of “thuddy” vs “stingy” – being heavier with one over the other. It could be more specific though. Someone may be pretty heavy with leather floggers but extra light with leather paddles and perhaps more of a medium when it comes to canes. Or lighter with impact play and heavier with needles and cutting. The possibilities are endless. Then, once you kinda figure out where you tend to be – you may play with someone who believes they are Topping you lightly with paddles but they are more “heavy handed” than you are used to so to you, as the bottom, it’s too much. On the opposite end perhaps the Top thinks they are going all out with a flogger and the bottom is waiting for things to really get started!

Sometimes changes in pain tolerance can come down to hormonal cycle, recent or early stages of illness or current head space!
A big issue I see is when bottoms come into the scene and they feel like they have to “measure up” to other bottoms or “take more” for their Tops even if it’s beyond what they’re comfortable with. I call this “sub ego” – and guess what – if you take something harder or heavier you don’t get a special prize! There is no cape, no trophy. One person’s light is another’s heavy. One person’s heavy is another’s light. Just because you can’t take something (or someone) as heavy as someone else it doesn’t mean you are lesser than or a less worthy bottom. There is NO SHAME in being lighter. And I can guarantee you that someone out there is lighter than you. That’s ok too. Play isn’t about “who can take more” – it’s about fun, connection, catharsis, energy exchange, and exploration. A good Top wants the bottom to have a positive experience so they want to play again – not to ”take more just to take more” and wake up the next day with regret. Don’t focus on being a “Super Sub” – focus on learning where you fit without shame or competition.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

One bottom’s Trigger is Another’s Therapy

August 29, 2016 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

BDSM play is done for many reasons from the bottom side of the slash. Catharsis, sexual fulfillment, a natural high, or plain old fun. Perhaps as a way to push personal limits and boundaries. Another reason people play is because it can be therapeutic. Either consciously or sub-consciously. Someone might use play in general (as opposed to a specific kind of play) to help them push through anxiety, find “permission” to let out their bottled up emotions, or learn how to trust. Bottoms can also use more specific play to work through past or childhood traumas. Something I see often is when the bottom will recreate a past trauma or pieces of it in their scenes – or simply be “really into that” as a part of their relationships, etc. The difference now being, of course, that they are the ones in control.

For example, a woman is raped with the threat of a knife being used on her and getting held down by her throat. That same woman playing in the scene may create scenes or ask for types of play from her partner(s) that reenacts, if you will, the rape. She may really be into rape play or knife play. Choking or breath play may be something that turns her on. However, now she is in control. Unlike when she was actually raped, she can call red and it all stops. In addition, she may find some healing in that she is experiencing these acts with a trusted partner.
On the other hand, take a different woman with the same experience of rape. She could go the opposite direction. For this woman, bottoming in a consensual-non consent, rape, even rough sex scene could be a huge trigger. Knife play of any kind may be a hard limit, as well as choking. Perhaps even having a hand near her throat causes panic and anxiety.

The point of this is that no bottom is the same and you can’t assume that just because many bottoms enjoy a type of play that all, or even most, of them do. This takes me back to talking about consent and why it’s imperative you don’t start play without it. I’ve seen a D-type walk up to a bottom and grab them by the hair. What if that bottom had the experience I described above and hair pulling had been a part of her abuse/trauma and now is a major trigger?

If something causes you to panic please don’t continue to do it and try to find someone to talk to. However, if a type of play, or play in general, seems to be helping you process trauma or abuse you have suffered or gives you a sense of empowerment then, by all means, I say do it. Just make sure it’s with people you trust. If it’s on that conscience level then maybe even talk to them about why you enjoy that type of play. If you have a therapist talk about it. Combining the play with communication is even more powerful than either alone.

Consent is Key

August 8, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

“Consent is key.” People in the scene say this all the time. This is because it’s true. Consent is what separates responsible BDSM and abuse. I can, unfortunately, give several examples of consent violation that I’ve witnessed or experienced personally. I’d be willing to bet that anyone in the scene longer than a week can say the same. (ok that may be a bit of an exaggeration – but not by much) Someone walking over and picking up someone else’s toy without asking – better yet picking it up and then using it. A D-type grabbing an s-type by their hair who doesn’t belong to them. Someone being asked to help in a scene by holding the s-types leg, then they proceed to let their fingers wander to places they had no right to touch. An s-type starting to worship a D-type’s boots when the D-type is in the middle of play and has not been asked to join.

Those were all examples that I witnessed or was connected to in some way. That was by no means a complete list. These things are simply not ok. Period. Ever. It seems as if this type of behavior has increased a bit recently. I have a couple theories as to why. Now, my theories don’t explain all incidences obviously. Heck, my theories may be totally off. They come from my own observations and experiences. Also, some people are just asshats – that has been, and will probably always account for, some percentage of the problem.

Theory number 1: It’s a new generation of kinksters. Rules, protocol, old tradition, etc. have been watered down. The next gen is doing it differently. This is fine and, regardless of my opinion about it, is the way life goes. Yet with that has also come a more “casual kink” mentality. We’ve also had many new people arrive into the community after being exposed to pop culture representations of how they think things are – which is not even close to reality.

Theory number 2: It used to be that the kink and swinger communities were fairly separate from one another – with very little overlap. However, with the further acceptance of kink and the growing curiosities about it, it seems that overlap is growing quickly. I am going to make a generalization here – so please don’t jump down my throat telling me this doesn’t apply to all swingers. Disclaimer: I realize that this theory does NOT speak to ALL swingers – or perhaps even most. However, based on, again, my observations and personal experiences it would seem that consent is dealt with very differently in these two communities. From my perspective in the swinger scene, consent is assumed until it is removed – while in the kink scene, consent is not assumed until given. This difference can, and does, easily contribute to at least a portion of the rise in consent violation. (Again, in my opinion.)

Then there are the aforementioned asshats.

In all cases I think education is the key. Whether that means suggesting people go to classes or if one-by-one we find “teachable moments” to pass down the knowledge we possess if we are more seasoned kinksters. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they’re new, that they don’t know any better. However, if they continue to cross boundaries and ignore consent expectations then that’s where behavior is no longer tolerated.
So, if you’re new – educate yourself. Go to classes, ask questions. If you’re not new, try to find ways to kindly pass down the knowledge you have. Consent is key.

Stepping on Landmines

July 25, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

Trigger warning: This article is about triggers. If this triggers you, please be advised and continue with caution.
“Trigger” is a word that is used to cover many types and severities of things that may come up during a scene on a psychological or emotional level. The tough part is that much of the time we don’t know what triggers we have until they are activated. Obviously if you know you have a trigger (or triggers) you should be communicating that with your partner.

Can Tops/D-types be triggered as well? Absolutely. It is important for both people – or all people – involved in a scene to disclose triggers that they know they have.

So let’s talk about those ones we didn’t realize were there. Those “landmines” we step on or that get stepped on that we weren’t prepared for. How they are dealt with depends on the severity of the trigger. There is a spectrum all the way from something that conjures up feelings of anger or annoyance – and not in a sexy primal way – to true PTSD, panic attack inducing triggers. Those that have the latter often get frustrated that there aren’t more words to describe triggers – since the difference in severity can be huge.

Some triggers are very minor and the person triggered can continue the scene with little to no disruption. I still would advise you discuss it with your partner after the scene – either within the same evening or a day or two after. No matter what, even if it was small, don’t leave it hanging. Your partner wants to know. An example may be perhaps they call you by a version of your name that only your parents use and it made you think of your parents in the middle of the scene and displaced your mind set. Maybe they do something that reminds you of an ex (toxic) partner. The thing they do is harmless, yet it takes you back and triggers memories of a bad situation you were in.
There are triggers that are more severe. Your partner uses an implement that your father used to beat you with as a child as punishment. You smell a perfume that your best friend also wore – a friend that you lost to a tragic car accident. There are endless examples I could use. These may require you to pause or stop the scene. Perhaps after a break you can continue the scene or begin a new scene. Use the time to let your partner know what was triggered and why. As the person who triggered them – listen to them, get them water, hold them if they need that, let them sit alone for a few minutes or take a breath outside if they need that instead. Assure them that you are not the person they associated the trigger with and that you will not repeat whatever prompted the trigger.

Then there are those triggers that cause a panic attack or severe anxiety. Perhaps your partner is a veteran and someone cracks a whip near your scene which they hear as gunfire. (Yes a person can also be triggered by things happening around them – not only their partner directly.) Maybe you put your hand to their throat which takes them back to being raped and their assailant threatened to choke them to death. Severe trauma triggers can be extremely scary – for all involved, including people surrounding your scene. The person triggered may go into an emotional outburst – crying, screaming, and/or fighting. They may start to hyperventilate or do things that can cause bodily harm to themselves or those close by. DON’T leave them alone – but do call out for someone nearby to get a DM. Many DMs will have some medical training or can at least help you to make sure people don’t get hurt – including your partner. Once they are settled enough and know where they are (sometimes they will be mentally back in that battlefield or fighting for their life and forget where they are and that they are safe) make sure they have water and maybe some food. Assess as best you can what they need. Make eye contact and assure them of who you are and that they are safe. They may need to walk outside for fresh air – go with them. If they need alone time – still make sure you can keep an eye on them. Your first priority is making sure they are safe and can get back to center emotionally and psychologically. They may or may not be ready to talk about it. You may also need to help them though the secondary embarrassment of what they’ve just displayed in a public setting. Obviously if you are doing private play this doesn’t apply. Eventually talk about it – it may be a couple days. Check in with them every day – more than once. If they have a therapist they may need to make an appointment. If they don’t have one they may want to find one. Some triggers are severe enough that they need a professional. This doesn’t mean you stop being there as a friend/play partner/lover/life partner, etc. Be a safe place for them.

I hope you never need this information, or at least not often. What we do involves risk – even the “safest” play can trigger some deep wounds. If you were the one that triggered the other person don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know you were stepping on a landmine. Take care of yourself as well. Have a trusted friend or mentor that you can debrief with too.

Triggers happen. Do your best to take care of each other and remember that the trigger is not representative of the scene or the relationship.

Heavy Play, Safe Play

July 19, 2016 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

After a series of articles that were aimed primarily at newbies, we will address the concerns of those of you who want to be heavy players. Often times you meet on forums like FetLife or at local dungeons – or even here! — and both of you click because you have the need for heavy play. And, of course, you both want it to be safe.

Many heavy players eschew the safe word; understandably so. But I would suggest some initial play – no matter how heavy – with a safe word and/or safe signal. Remember, one person’s medium play can be another’s heavy. So, in order to facilitate successful heavy play, I propose a process that has worked for many in this lifestyle.

The Process

There is a tendency to evaluate whether a player is safe or unsafe based solely on whether he/she has caused any injury during play. Although this is a very good yardstick, it can also be claimed that safe play is not simply the absence of harm. It is the total approach that should, in and of itself, be safe. Contradictory, you say. Then, let me explain. If you were driving a car at 100 miles an hour during rush hour, you might not get into an accident. Yet, that would be considered “unsafe driving” – no matter what the outcome. Similarly, if a Dominant ignores basic safety precautions – such as having a topical antibiotic on hand during a play piercing or not allowing a safe word during his/her initial sessions with a given submissive – this would still be “unsafe play,” regardless of the result.
Safety – especially for heavy players where the risk is greatest — is a process. Granted, I have seen Dominants flail away with abandon on first meeting. Again, this might not cause any damage. But, in my opinion, why the rush to mega-markings right off the bat? Going slowly is not the mark of a weak Dominant; in fact, quite the opposite. Safe play means understanding the submissive; knowing how easily he/she bruises and how much pain the submissive can reasonably be expected to take. Sometimes it is the submissive who talks with bravado: “I have never safed”, “I can take anything”, or “I am the ultimate pain slut.” But, as we had stated earlier, one person’s medium can be another person’s heavy. Safe play, as I see it, is not going as hard as you can right away. The Dom/me should always go at a slower speed when first scening with a submissive. After all, why risk getting a ticket for unsafe scening?!

You Can’t Read Minds

No matter how hard people try, it is next to impossible to read minds. Books, yes… minds, no. So, whether you are a Dom/me or sub, don’t attempt it. Communicate the old fashion way, talk! For example, as a heavy player, don’t just flail away and rely on the sub’s safe word or safe signal while you are first using one. From time to time, lean over and ask whether the sub is alert and OK. Kind of like the fight referee after a knockdown. Remember, a sub in subspace is often unable to hear or even feel much. Ask. After all you can’t read minds – least of all that of a sub that is lost in space!

From the sub’s point of view, if the Dom/me says he/she is experienced, don’t just leave it at that. Tell him/her your hard limits (even the heaviest of players have hard limits), make sure he/she will respect your safe word and communicate. (Again, if the Dom/me says “no safe words” right out of the box, be wary.) And, don’t expect him/her to read your mind, or vice-versa. As I see it, it is only “topping from the bottom” during the scene; before the scene it is simply negotiating. And, if there is superb communication before play, then the sub will not have to top from the bottom!

An Old Guard Tradition

Although much of the history of the “Old Guard Leather Societies” is debatable, there is one “tradition” I have heard of that makes sense to me. That is where the Dom/me, should he/she draw blood on an implement, is required to give that toy to the submissive. It makes sense if you think about it. It not only has a great safety aspect to it, but it also seems to have a nice ring to it. Even if you are not “old guard,” and chances are you aren’t, presenting the bloodied knife or flogger to the submissive is a nice custom, with some fine safety implications thrown in.
Overall, safety is a habit you get into — especially for the heaviest of players.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The “Charlie Brown” Scene

July 19, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

You know the one. Everything just goes sideways. Nothing you planned seems to go the way you imagined. There are a few ways this can happen, but for this article I’m not going to talk about hitting triggers or pushing limits too far. I’m going to focus on a scene that includes things that you’ve maybe done a hundred times. A scene that, on paper, should be fantastic.

How can a scene like this go wrong?

Often it’s about head space. This can go for either partner. If the bottom had a rough day or they are stressed about work, family, etc. – it may be very difficult for them to stay connected during play. Same goes for the Top. Perhaps there are emotional or hormonal influences. One or both partners feel emotional (anxiety, sadness, depression, irritability…) and not know why. Yet it influences their focus on the scene or maybe their ability to “let go” and enjoy the moment they are sharing.

It may be indicative of a relationship issue. Perhaps something that happened shortly before the scene (minutes, hours, or days) that has yet to be discussed or resolved.

Other people in the room can also have a huge impact on head space. There may be another scene nearby that is completely distracting. Or, my favorite (can you hear the sarcasm here?), the rude “peanut gallery” standing way too close and having their own conversation or – better yet – throwing their two cents into your scene. These are all external influences that can really effect head space.

Another situation that causes a “Charlie Brown” scene is when the Top forgets which partner they’re playing with. This may sound absurd to some people reading this, however, I assure you it happens. What I mean by this is when the Top has several play partners and they mix up likes vs dislikes or they get a bit ahead of themselves and skip over the warm up, thus putting the bottom in “toleration” mode.

So what do you?

Whenever the scene is over, I recommend you have a conversation. (I know I always harp on the whole communication thing – Gah!) When the scene is over depends on you and/or your partner. Many times when a scene is just not going well, regardless of how many things you try, one person will call it before it would normally be over. This is ok. Even if you wanted it to continue, I recommend not “guilting” your partner about stopping the scene short.

Talk about what you’re feeling or what it is that’s on your mind. If it was external “noise” from other people then take a moment and decide whether or not you want to continue to play – perhaps in a different room. If it’s individual stressors or emotional reactions, let whichever partner that is having the feels talk it out. Maybe once they’ve vented a bit you can try to play again. If it was the scene itself (as in the scenario where the Top isn’t tuned into their partner who’s in front of them) then talk about what came up, what the Top was thinking or what felt off for the bottom. Decide together if you want to give it another go. As far as the unresolved relationship issues, well, work at resolving them! Not only that – also try and communicate about how to resolve issues in the future before they become a problem that, in turn, disrupts play.

Having said all that I will add that of course there are reasons a scene can go south that I haven’t mentioned. Hopefully you get the general idea. Sometimes you gotta just chalk it up to an off night, go home and watch TV, and then try again another day. That is perfectly ok too.

The Doctor is In: Medical Play

July 11, 2016 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

When writing for an audience that spans beginners to advanced and from weekend warriors to 24/7, it is often hard to find an area that will interest most of our kinky readers. Medical play appears to fit the bill.

Of all the BDSM scenarios I have written about, medical play is the one of a few – such as wax play — where “no experience is necessary.” Except for the more edgy medical scenes, this is one BDSM activity where you can, in the words of Nike, “just do it.”

The beauty of a medical scene is that it is nearly impossible to ruin the D/s structure that is inherent in it. In real life, when the doctor tells the patient to do something, the patient does as told — within proscribed legal and ethical restraints. The doctor is, by definition, the Top; the patient is the bottom. Similarly, in medical play, the “doctor” (or “nurse,” if that is your scene) is the Dominant and the “patient” is the submissive. Other than negotiating limits to be observed during the scene, the D/s structure is automatic. Set it and forget it!

Another wonderful aspect of a medical scene is that elaborate equipment is not necessary to create an awesome medical play space. An ordinary table with a white sheet on it makes as good an examination table as I have seen in some real doctors’ offices! Get a desk (at a yard sale!) and put some 99Cents Store “doctor stuff” on it — cotton balls, bandages, latex examination gloves, Vaseline, alcohol, betadine wash, swabs, etc, — and you have a “doctor’s office” right in your own home. Since medical play is role play, don’t skip the small details. A medical smock with a nametag – or the nurse’s uniform – gives the scene an air of authenticity that many other roleplays lack. Hang a stethoscope around your neck and the doctor is in! (I have no idea what those circular mirrors on a headband are for, but if you are a stickler for details, go for it.) I have heard of a Dom who recorded hospital noises (“Bing, bing…calling Dr. Marx”) on his smartphone and plays them during his medical play sessions. This might seem a bit extreme – but I bet their medical sessions rock!

The range of medical scenes appears limitless. Just a simple “examination” has almost infinite variations and possibilities. Personally, I love giving the breast exam. And what caring doctor wouldn’t also give a vaginal exam to go with it? Or a penis exam with a male sub. But why stop there? A cervical exam with a speculum should be part of any doctor’s exam. But there are other cavities that might need checking. Some doctors and nurses are insistent that there be a full anal prostate probe or a scrotal check-up. And no doctor would forget to take the patient’s temperature rectally. Of course, these reality-based examinations can be expanded into fantasyland. . Other than negotiated limits, you can take this play anywhere your imagination leads you. Alien abduction and examination — including the legendary extraterrestrial anal probe? No problem. Want to play the “mad doctor?” Get your Doctor Doom mask and torture away. There can be prison doctor scenes. A nurse administering an enema, a doctor full-body wrapping a “badly wounded” patient or a nurse taping up an “injured penis” are more scenes that come to mind. And within each scene, you can select a wide variety of BDSM and sex toys to use.

There are terrific medical toys available. The Wartenburg pinwheel (used to test nerve reaction) is a particular favorite of mine. Used on the nipples, the pinwheel can be deemed a modern medical play marvel. And don’t forget the old reflex hammer. The “cupping” machine is great for “suction pulling” nipples and labia. Once a late nineteenth century medical treatment for just about anything, cupping is now almost exclusively used in BDSM play. Funny how they were so ahead of their time! Of course, don’t forget the speculum, the sin qua non of medical BDSM toys. And clamps!

Although beginners can do most of the scenes I have discussed, medical play also encompasses edge play as well. Needle play is often done in the context of a medical scene. What better place to do needle play than in a “doctor’s office”? After all, it is clean and well stocked with antibacterial scrubs and washes. Note: needle play is a very advanced edge play and should not be attempted by a novice.

I think we can all agree that medical play offers a very wide palette of D/s based scenes, some with a very shallow learning curve. In fact, other than the fact that you can’t get paid to be a BDSM “doctor,” it sure is a hell of a lot more fun than being a real one. Or a real patient for that matter!

A PSA on Safe words: RED to safe word shaming

July 5, 2016 By Sir Gear 5 Comments

So lately I have been hearing about, reading about, and having people I play with suffer from safe word shaming. Briefly, for those of you newbies out there, safe BDSM play involves the incorporation of calling “yellow” or “red” when you have reached your threshold of pain, tolerance or discomfort or to check in with your Dom/Top.

I think safe word shaming is bull shit. Plain and simple.

A friend that I have never played with before said yellow in the middle of a scene recently. Like any good player, I stopped and checked in. She told me what was wrong and we fixed it. Done and done, no harm no foul. We continued to play and at the end during our aftercare she apologized for calling yellow during the scene and held me tighter. I was blown away by this and told her never to be sorry for that.

A safe word does not make you weak at all. It makes me know, as a Dom, that you are a safe player who is smart enough to not want to be broken. Safe words were invented so that players could let their partner know that something was wrong during a scene. I am not sure where this whole thing of shaming a safe word came from, but I think it’s foolish for people to succumb to such thinking.

A sub needs to be able to communicate that something is wrong during a scene. If the cuff is too tight and your hand is going numb, let me know. If your butt can’t take anymore punishment and I need to stop or move to another spot, let me know. If you feel like you can’t take any more and you’re done, LET ME KNOW.

On the other side of the coin a Dom should NEVER take a safe word away from you, especially if you are a newbie. There is a mentality in some circles of, “I have been doing this for years so I know what I am doing. We don’t need a safe word.” Bull shit and RED TO THAT! A Dom you just met will not know anything about playing with you. They will not know anything about emotional triggers or hard limits that you may not have thought about. Doms are not mind readers! No amount of negotiating will prepare you for everything that can happen during play.

Lastly if a Dom makes fun of you or holds it against you for calling a safe word during a scene…. RUN! THAT DOM IS A DICK! (and most likely an unsafe player). In closing to my public service announcement, I will say that safe words are a critical tool to play in any sort of scene. Don’t be afraid to use it because and smart Dom will respect you more for using it when needed. If anyone makes fun of you for using a safe word, they are not worth your time.

So now that my rant is done, what’s your safe word? The best one I have ever heard, because it made the ENTIRE dungeon stop, was “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!” Let us know if you have a better one in the comments.

Sir Gear has been an active member of the local Los Angeles BDSM scene since 2009. In that time he has become a member of House RavynBlood and the student of Master Gabriel. Sir Gear is the promoter of Club THIRST out of Sanctuary LAX and is best known as his character, The Reverend, that has been featured at the AVN Expo, DomCon and even the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena.

Follow him on social media as JordanTheComic or here.

Non-Sexual Play from the Top

June 13, 2016 By Jenn Masri 11 Comments

At the end of March I wrote an article about non-sexual play from the perspective of the s-type, or bottom. I feel it’s only fair to write about non-sexual play from the D-type, or Tops, perspective as well. Because I can’t assume you read the previous article, I will paste an excerpt here regarding sexual vs non-sexual play.

“First I need to break down sexual vs. non-sexual the way I will use it for this article. I am going to be very literal. Many people would argue that every scene, all play, is sexual. If it turns you or the other person on, it’s sexual. Well, first of all, not all play is about sexual arousal. However, that is a discussion for another day. For my purpose I am using non-sexual play to mean that no sexual acts are performed during the scene. No “naughty bits” are touched, no kissing, etc.”

There are some reasons a Top would play this way that is similar to a bottom playing this way. For example, the scene could be for a demo or performance where the primary focus of the Top is making sure technique is correct and/or that it looks good for the audience.

But how about for a personal scene?

Personally, I’ve done many “sampler scenes” – showing the bottom (regardless of how they identify) how various implements or types of play feel. They may be new to the scene or perhaps they identify as a D-type but want to understand implements from a bottom’s point of view (experience how things feel). Tops may also be doing it for practice – so focus is on technique, aim, etc.

Training can be another reason a Top plays non-sexually. He/She may be focusing the scene on training their s-type in certain positions and commands for service.

Getting out some physical (not sexual) energy through play. Just as bottoms can enjoy cathartic release and stress relief during play, a Top can enjoy the same benefits.

Sadists, by definition, enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation on another human being. Therefore, a sadist can absolutely play non-sexually, yet walk away with tremendous satisfaction.

Control is a huge element of BDSM, power exchange, and play. It is easily separated from any sexual element – if sexual play is a part of the scene. Either way control is a huge factor. Maintaining the lead in a scene, knowing the bottom will follow your commands, do what you want, etc. (within limits and consent of course) is a huge ego boost and psychological turn on.
It is easy to have a great time playing with someone we aren’t necessarily sexually attracted to. Maybe we are just friends. Perhaps there is a friendship energy that includes playfulness, fun, and trust. These are all wonderful things and more than enough reasons to play without sexual activities. Play does NOT have to be serious!

Are you a Top or D-type who enjoys non-sexual play? Tell me why you enjoy it in the comments below!

Erotica: Birthday Surprise

May 9, 2016 By anniebear 6 Comments

The following is part one of a true story account of my birthday weekend. I hope you enjoy! <3 anniebear
My 30th birthday was on Friday, May 6th. I was not looking forward to it. I never thought I’d be one of those women to dread a coming birthday but there it was and I loathed it. Dexx had been extremely supportive leading up to the “big day.” I wanted no fanfare or mention of it. The least he was able to convince me to do was a special dinner at my favorite restaurant in Century City with the promise of champagne, for those of you who know me, I can always get on board if champagne is involved ☺

Saturday, a good friend of mine was driving into LA to meet me for some lunch and bit of shopping. She and Dexx both played along with my lack of enthusiasm simply saying it was a “special” weekend but not actually mentioning my birthday. Dexx had scheduled several weeks ago to play this specific Saturday night. He said he needed me out of the house to prepare, which was not unlike him because he often plans elaborate and detailed scenes for personal play. He has a devious mind and likes to have all of the details laid out. When I was preparing to leave, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was my friend, I opened to door only to be greeted by a Sprinkles cupcake delivery. I was super confused knowing that Dexx would not have these sent since I’m on a strict no-sweets diet. However, he came over and took them from me with a glint in his eye. I knew these cupcakes would somehow play into our scene and I would not get to enjoy them as they should be! I imagined him smashing them all over my body in a sploshing scene or launching them into my face with some sort of catapult. With him the sky is the limit!

My friend arrived and luckily, with her also being kinky I could express my trepidation and nervousness over the impending scene to occur that evening. We had a nice day catching up over food and a few glasses of champagne and shopping. It was requested I return at 7pm on the dot. My friend and I made it by 7:07. I was shaking when I went inside. Dexx greeted me with a smile on his face and two glasses of Moet, my favorite. He allowed me six minutes to shower off my body and change into a dress, panties, and heels. I would have almost made it if it weren’t for how slow the shower heats up (I ended up taking a cold/lukewarm shower) and I had a zipper malfunction on the dress he chose, only mounting my anxiety. He yelled up the stairs that the time was up and I yelled out that my zipper was stuck. The next few minutes were anxiety level ten trying to zip me up, me feeling like a fat cow (which really was not the case, it was simply a cheap zipper in retrospect) and then having to compose myself enough to catch my breath.

I emerged dressed and almost ready for anything. Dexx asked me to go over my safewords again as he placed my favorite pink play collar on me along with a blindfold and led me to our play room. He said he was going to leave me alone in there for a while but I could immediately sense there was someone else in the room too! I was so scared and wouldn’t let go of his hand almost hysterically asking if someone else was in there! Finally he said, “Do you trust me?” and of course I did and finally had to let him go. It was several moments of tense silence. I could make out some tiny sounds of someone else in the room and then a man spoke! For those of you Game of Thrones fans out there, what followed was a recreation of the scene between Aria and the House of the Many Faced God. I was asked questions and then hit with various implements. I soon realized there was also a woman in the room! I guess somewhere in the middle of the scene, I realized the people were my friend from that very day and her fiancé whom of which I am also very good friends! I started laughing hysterically about it to myself as I had been completely duped. I was then made to sing a Broadway show tune as loud as possible while simultaneously being walloped. Naturally I chose “Doe A Deer” from The Sound of Music. Abruptly the scene came to an end, a leash was attached to my collar (I’m still blindfolded!) and I was led from the room, up the stairs to the second story guest room.

I was left alone in this room but knew immediately I was not actually by myself. It was quiet for a moment, then I was grabbed and placed on the bed. I was on my back and my feet were lifted into the air and my wrists tied around the backs of my thighs. I was giggling up a storm as my endorphins were on high alert! I suspected the rigger was RopeDaddy but later found out it was actually Crocoduck! My dress was shoved up and over my breasts. I was treated to multiple whacks on my behind. I was told to hold an implement in my mouth and mentally confirmed it was RopeDaddy as I recognized via my mouth his signature woven handle for his custom toys. I could tell that two different people were hitting me, one much more gentle than the other. They made sure to whack my nipples as well! This went on for some time-who knows how long as I had completely lost track at this point. I was quickly untied and hoisted upwards, regaining my balance. The leash was attached and as I exited the room, the blindfold was removed to reveal RopeDaddy! But who else was in the room?

He led me downstairs to the living room and I immediately saw Rngletters and lankyred awaiting me. I got very emotional because I was slowly putting together that Dexx had arranged this whole elaborate evening for me and that many many good friends had given their time and energy to the event. I was handed off to rngletters who immediately asked me to strip. I removed my dress and stood in my panties and heels. He delivered a swift slap to my face and reminded me that he said to strip which included my panties. He sat me down on the ottoman and tied each leg with rope so my pussy was exposed (so embarrassing! I was in between waxes, oh the humiliation!). A jaw breaker flavored ball gag was placed in my mouth, there was sure to be plenty of drool. Rngletters made me play with myself, also super humiliating and Lankyred made swift work of my “makeup” using red lipstick and not staying at all in my lip line, naturally. I loved the way they kept taunting me and calling me awful names. They handed me a dildo and made me fuck myself with it. I got a whack if I forgot myself and stopped. At this time the droop was dripping from my gag, so gross! They wrote awful names on me and drew penises and boobs. Everyone else from the scenes so far came out to join in the fun and all of the identities were revealed!

I forgot to mention that at this point I realized there was a camera in each room. Presumably Dexx was watching every scene and relishing the torture that was being inflicted upon me! My humiliation knew no bounds!
All of a sudden everyone sort of “went away” or disappeared. Dexx was the only one left, shoving a hood over my head and hooking my leash on once more taking me to the playroom. I thought surely this would be the last of my series of scenes. He sat me in a chair and used bondage leather straps to secure me. I wasn’t going anywhere! He asked me how I was doing and told me we were going to play a little taste test game. The horror!

Read the conclusion here.

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