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trauma

Rebuilding After Trauma

May 27, 2021 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

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There are many commonalities in the kink community.  As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma.  Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily.  So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma. 

Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”  

This is a broad definition.  We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse.  But trauma can be anything.  Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances.  This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.

For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD.  My brain just sort of short circuits at times.  On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it.  However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head.  Sometimes, that means disassociation.  Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.  

Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work.  It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night.  It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.

In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more.  Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.  

Some seek help.  Some don’t.  Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills.  Some never sleep and some only sleep.  Some learn to cope, and some don’t.  Some move on and some don’t.  Some give up and some don’t.   

It is an individual experience and recovery.

As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink.  We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.

Some use kink to reclaim their independence.  It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control.  Some use kink for coping.  

And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.

I do not personally believe the last statement is possible.  Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally.  Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).

The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.


Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.

As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did.  You and your partner need to accept that.  You also need to clearly state your current needs.  Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.

Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t

Feeling powerless is common with trauma.  You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.”  There is no shame in doing what is best for you.  If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations.  Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.”  Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.  

“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”

“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”

“I need you to use my name when you talk to me.  Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”

“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”

“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”

Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual.  It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.

Step 3:  Watch for frenzy.  It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.

Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs.  When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy.  The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.  

Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop.  We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it.  Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane.  Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there.  But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were.  Tolerance can be relearned.  Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.

Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation.  This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.

I am not suggesting a contract.  I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise.  Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.

This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching?  What will happen?  What is your safeword?  What are the boundaries?  Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones?  Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?


What happens though if the trauma happens during kink?  Or if it happens with your current partner?  Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?

In my mind, it does.

Trust is paramount in a dynamic.  When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous.  For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword.  As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not.  They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.

Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.


Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.

Was the trauma caused by yourself?  Your partner?  Did it happen during a scene?  Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious?  Is it unrelated?

These are important questions to ask yourself.  Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them.  The same goes for the intention behind what happened.

Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes.  My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play.  I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers.  In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.  

Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play.  Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not).  Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned.  It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in.  In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master.  But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.

Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.

When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics.  Over time, those can change or evolve.

Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes).  When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief.  But I had to, because it was a rule.  I essentially made myself extremely sick.  So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment.  The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.

We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.

Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.

**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues.  I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**

Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma.  For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat.  This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.  

Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment.  Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive?  Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?

Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.

Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable.  Trauma impacts the mental and physical states.  If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.

Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset.  Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc.  Recovering from trauma is fluid.  It does not just stop and get cured.


Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma.  No one will know your reactions better than you.  There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not.  Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best.  Never let anyone try to force you to change.

Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma.  Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you.  This is not a reflection on either person’s character.  Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma.  This is their right.

When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, fetish, fetish community, kink, Kink Community, mental health, negotiation, safety, safety consent, safeword, sexual fantasy, trauma, triggers

Using BDSM To Cope With Trauma

January 17, 2021 By VICE 2 Comments

Many folks have found therapeutic benefits to practicing BDSM.

We, at KinkWeekly, have published many articles on just that.

Click below to find out more about how BDSM can aide with the effects of being a trauma survivor!

***Please note, that BDSM is usually not the only thing needed to treat the effects of trauma. BDSM can help, but is usually not the only therapeutic modality needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo4mF-17lVQ

Tagged With: anxiety, bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, mental health, ptsd, trauma

This week in kink: January 11, 2020

January 10, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Feeling lonely and isolated during the pandemic?

Want to meet more people?

Then, check out this awesome list of the best hook-up sites from Reader!

https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/top-20-hookup-sites-that-actually-work-and-get-you-laid/Content?oid=85357620

Many think that being a kinkster is linked to trauma. However, a recent scientific study has disbanded this ideology.

Click below to read more from Big Think!

https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/bdsm-psychology-trauma

BDSM has become more normalized in recent years (key word being “more.” In a lot of areas it’s still not widely accepted, and is still viewed as deviant/taboo).

With this being said, Feminism in India touches on the normalization of kink, feminism, dominance/submission, history, and how this all relates to the expression of sexuality, gender, and the current political climate.

Click below to find out more!

We Need To Talk About The Normalisation Of BDSM

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm news, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, feminism, fetish, gender, history, kink, Kink Research, pornhub, psychology, Science, sex, sex research, sexual fantasy, sexual safety, sexuality, submissive, trauma

How BDSM Can Help PTSD

September 3, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

Those who suffer from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) often make choices that are unhealthy and/or dangerous due to low self esteem, picking the demon they know rather than the unknown, panic/panic attacks, and/or thinking they deserve nothing more than to continue traumatic experiences.

People often self sabotage, get back with unhealthy exes, pick abuse over breaking free, practice unsafe sex practices, cater to their addictions, and many other damaging scenarios, to blot out the pain that they are feeling, to minimize the flashbacks, to not feel the weight of being abused/traumatized.

They often continue this unhealthy cycle of sweeping their torment under the rug, and hoping that it will magically go away on its own. However, it does not work like that. Normally things left undealt with only increase in size over time, and often become too large and overwhelming to be handled healthily without professional help.

Our demons are always there; it’s our job to find a way to healthily and effectively deal with them before they devour us, and/or before they have grown too powerful to take on.

I have found that BDSM can help break this cycle. Before I found BDSM, and before I met my Master, I would deal with my pain in all sorts of unhealthy ways-unhealthy dating patterns, unhealthy sex patterns, operating on low self esteem and abandonment issues alone. My self worth was very low due to the family and sexual trauma I had experienced.

I was caught in this vicious cycle of making myself the victim, and creating this webbed mess that always needed to be cleaned up. It seemed I just couldn’t get on the straight and narrow because of the pain that lived inside of me.

But through playing with my Master and being my Master’s slave, I have been shown that there is a healthy way to deal with the pain. Now, I also go to therapy, see a psychiatrist, read a lot of self-help books, exercise five times a week, communicate with my Master about these issues daily, and part of our contract is dedicated to my recovery. With this being said, I am saying that our BDSM has helped my PTSD, but I am in NO WAY saying it should be the only thing one uses to get over their traumas. However, it can be used as a coping strategy and trust builder for those that have been seriously wounded in tandem with other methods like the ones listed above.

PTSD can generate a lot of fear and feelings of general distrust. I used to fear that everyone would hurt me. Through our BDSM play, I have been show that even though my Master is inflicting consensual “pain” on me, I am still loved, and he would never actually hurt me. Every time we engage in breath play, he’s never actually trying to damage my windpipes. When we practice spanking, hitting, slapping, flogging, or any other form of impact it is for our enjoyment, and never for harm’s sake. My Master actually has mentioned on countless occasions that if I did not enjoy being a masochist, he would not want to continue being a sadist.

When I am objectified, called a slut, whore, sex toy, it is coming from the love that we have in our dynamic. It is consented to and appreciated. It is never coming from an abusive or non-consensual place.

After we engage in play, we always lie with another, talk about how much we mean to one another, and relive the scene we had just created. We often talk about things we liked and what we want to do again. If anything were to occur that we didn’t like we would talk about that too (However, this rarely happens since my Master knows me very well). It is so relieving to feel him close to me, holding me.

The trust, care, love, and respect make these actions satisfying, and help to heal any wounds made by others that once upon a time did these things to me non-consensually, and without any rendition of love, care, respect, or trust.

I have found that it is not the action that is traumatizing, it is the intent, core value(s), and virtue(s) driving it.

BDSM and the values of the Kink/BDSM Community can provide a safe space to work through our traumas in a healthy and safe manner. In my opinion, that why’s rape play exists. That’s why impact play is even a thing. That’s why so many of us love getting consensually choked, whipped, caned, bit, etc.

Someone with PTSD who has been raped might go out looking to relive that experience (these types of motives are usually in the unconscious or subconscious mind), which will most likely be much more damaging than it is worth. This situation is not in a controlled environment, and pretty much anything could happen. Instead, this person could go to a safe space, and reenact what happened/act out what they want to happen safely with a trusted friend or partner (to help work through their traumas). In this situation, it is controlled, and if someone reaches their threshold or is about to, they can always use their safe word. Real life, unfortunately, does not always work that way.

I cannot stress how paramount a controlled environment is when working through our traumas. That’s one reason why people go to therapists’ offices.

Also, at a dungeon there are DMs. So, if things were to become too much, you can always flag them down.

Safety is key. Safety with partners, location, and action. Safety mixed with consistency leads to trust, which will lead to PTSD not having such a hold on you.

In time, as trust builds, you will begin to see a different, positive side of these actions that were once only viewed as the most detrimental thing that could happen. You will begin to see people not as vessels that could hurt you. You will learn that the world is not out to get you and neither are most individuals that cross your path.

Please note, do not engage in BDSM relating to your traumas until you are sure you can handle it and are ready. Always respect your own timing. There’s no shame in waiting. If you are going to engage in play relating to your PTSD/traumas, who you play with should know of these traumas, limits should be talked about/respected, and safe words should be decided. If you find that you were not as ready as you thought after the scene has started, please stop the scene using your safe word(s). It’s never a good idea to force anything, especially when dealing with something so painful.

I would say that even if you are engaging in play that does not directly relate to your traumas, the above should be followed. And of course even if you do not have PTSD and have no apparent traumas, limits, boundaries, and safe words should always be discussed and agreed upon (unless you do not use safe words, but that is an entirely different article).

I think it’s also important to reflect on all scenes-especially the ones relating to your traumas that you are trying to work through. Perhaps journaling could really help with this. Introspection after any scene is essential in my opinion. Introspection leads to understanding and understanding leads to growth. Growth leads to change.

I have found that APRI really helps too. These steps can be done on your own, with a trusted friend/family member, a partner, or therapist. 

Address- Address what happened. What caused your PTSD?

Process- Process the feelings and behaviors that stemmed from the incident or incidents. Notice any unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Resolve-Try to let whatever is traumatizing you go. This is the hardest step and could involve multiple steps and methods to complete. BDSM being one possible method. Make amends with yourself and others (if appropriate and possible). Think of ways that you could make your life more fulfilled, happier, and healthier.

Integrate- Integrate what you have learned thus far concerning your PTSD, yourself, and the traumatic incident. Make a plan of action and rules for yourself that you can follow and will follow based on the new knowledge you have gained. This will allow you to not only let go of the PTSD and your trauma(s), but become a healthier person in general.

Again, please note that there are countless ways to cope with traumas, pain, PTSD, and anxiety. I am merely providing a few coping strategies for one to ponder. I hope you have found this article helpful, and please reach out for more information.

As always, feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!


About the Author

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.

Tagged With: anxiety, bdsm, fetish, kink, power exchange, ptsd, slave bunny, trauma

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