dominant

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Big Question

March 20, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

In the world of BDSM, there are a number of questions that will instantly start a heated debate. No, I don’t mean, “Is President Trump a submissive?” – although that can start an argument in a New York minute. What I mean are questions like, “Slave versus submissive?” “What makes a Master?” and “Is BDSM play integral to a D/s relationship?” (I have addressed some of these questions here on kinkweekly.com). But, there is another, even more contentious, question floating around – the “Big Question” as I call it. It concerns the merits of the legendary Old Guard precept that, “You cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.”

Before we evaluate its intrinsic worth, a little (boring) history, as best as I can gather, is in order. The Old Guard Leather Societies came of age during the heyday of post World War 2, conservative America. The mainstream culture, at that time, considered S&M (as BDSM was called back then) extremely perverted, if not illegal. Factor in the fact that most of the Old Guard were gay, and you can appreciate why they would be paranoid and be exclusive rather than inclusive. It was not an open subculture; admission into an Old Guard house was purposefully made difficult. Although this was not the Mafia, there was one similarity — the Old Guard tended to be rather secretive. And what better way to keep out “infiltrators” than to keep the S&M bar high? As best as I can determine, there were many rules that raised the price of admission. Some were:

1. Experience in the lifestyle determines social seniority.
2. The more submissive one is, the less direct eye contact one should make.
3. No rules or codes are ever to be explained to outsiders.
4. Tops must behave, at all times, with honor, honesty and dignity.
5. A slave must keep the Master’s leather polished at all times.
6. Bottoms must walk behind and to the left of Tops.
7. And, of course, “You cannot become a Master/Mistress without having been a slave or a bottom.”

This last rule would, in and of itself, raise the “experience bar” dramatically. So it dovetailed into the way the Old Guard maintained itself during a time of “vanilla persecution.”

There is no doubt that knowing how a submissive thinks and reacts will make a Dom/me a better one. In our modern, Internet world, one can learn a lot about the psychology, makeup and proclivities of a submissive by exchanging information on the Internet. Sites like kinkweekly offer a wealth of information. But in those early days, you had to learn mostly by doing; there were few alternatives. Thus, bottoming could give you an insight that was hard to get elsewhere.

As with most ideas, those that work become popular, while those that don’t – like myspace — get discarded. The fact that this rule has survived for so long, and is still being discussed, is testament that it works. And the fact that switching is more popular than ever among the newer lifestylers shows it has worth. But as to bottoming being essential in the schooling of a Master, I disagree.

Bottoming is only one of a number of requirements to becoming a Master – both back then and now. Bottoming alone simply won’t cut it. Whether he/she attains this knowledge by bottoming or by soaking it up in other ways is immaterial. As the song goes, “It doesn’t matter how you get there, just get there.”

The Old Guard Leather Societies pioneered a lot of great customs in this lifestyle we now call BDSM. But all subcultures evolve. And though it might not be required in our era to bottom in order to become a Master/Mistress, it is a technique that still works, and works quite well. I believe that you can become a Master/Mistress in many ways, taking many varied paths. The equivalent result of having bottomed can be achieved by other means. For some, bottoming might be one stop on the road to achieving Mastery. But it is not the only stop, and it is surely not one that every Dom/me must make.

We will be examining “Old Guard vs. New Guard” both here on Kink Weekly and in a panel discussion at DomComLA in May!

Being a Domme for the first time

February 28, 2017 By anniebear 2 Comments

Mistress Anniebear in action! Just kidding!

From the submissive point of view!

Since entering the scene nearly three years ago, I’ve always identified as a submissive. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t used my brat side to participate in co-topping (two Doms, one sub) or casually playing with female friends. As of late I’ve felt a pull towards domination. While I think I will always identify as a submissive in my personal relationships, I sure do think it’s fun to top and torture specific people! Some would say this makes me a switch and that’s ok. I’ve not been able to “own” that label yet. Maybe some day I’ll be Mistress Anniebear but that’s a subject for another article, wouldn’t you say?

Having come from the submissive background, I logically and intellectually knew the “nuts and bolts” on the practical side of topping; for example how to throw a flogger, deliver spankings safely, wax play, electrical, you name it. Heck, I can’t even count how many classes I’ve been to and types of play I’ve enjoyed over these few years. I’ve been busy! But what to do about actually physically topping someone in a dedicated, planned out scene? Would I be able to deliver? I decided to “hone my craft” by practicing on a few willing participants. That in it of itself was super fun! I was surprised at how easily some of the skills came to me. I attribute it to not only those classes but also the dozens of scenes I’ve sat back and watched as well. That’s an education too. I attended a few play parties playing as a Domme. I made sure to let potential play partners know that I was newer to Topping but happy to try things out. Funny how many people are willing to be guinea pigs to a blossoming Domme in training ;)

The greatest test arrived one day in the form of a newbie submissive. We were introduced by a vanilla friend who knew I was kinky and she thought I could show her the ropes. We hit if off from the start. She had amazing energy and was willing to learn. I confessed that being a Domme was a new side of me and that we would proceed slowly. I walked us through a lengthy negotiation-probably overkill on my part but hey, I wanted to be safe and not scare the girl away! We arranged a paly date at my house and the date was swiftly approaching. I’m pretty sure I was more nervous than she could possibly be. I couldn’t believe how much trust she was placing in me. What if I screwed up or accidentally hurt her?

I planned out a scene that included several elements, providing a range of sensations and experiences for her. I also ran my ideas by my “in house” Dom, Dexx. Not everyone is as lucky as I to be with someone who allows me to explore not only submission but domination as well. He encouraged me to seek out partners and see where it takes me. He being of the devious sort was more than happy to assist in hearing my scene ideas, throwing in some pointers and giving approval as well. The scene was set!

The night arrived for our play date. I donned my best “Dominatrix” outfit for effect and arranged the playroom for our scene. I had given my willing submissive instructions on what to wear and she did not disappoint. I could tell she was nervous but so was I! I hid it as best I could. I knew the best way around all of this was to just blindfold her as soon as possible! At least then she would at least be able to not see if I made a mistake. We proceeded slowly into the scene. I placed her on a leash and walked her about and then into the playroom. I put that blindfold on her and it was game on! Starting with some sensation play I worked from easiest in difficulty to hardest (at least in my opinion and skillset). My logic was that I would have her warmed up and personally be more comfortable and confident as the scene went along. Admittedly I was shaking a bit with nerves (not good for a Top!) but it seemed to ease up as time went on.

Luckily “my” submissive was being very responsive so it was easy to tell if she liked or disliked something. In addition to some sensation play with scratchy things, I tried several paddles and impact implements, flogging (learned from a class!), nipple clamps and clothespins. I ended with some wax play which was most worrisome for me. I tried the wax on myself first so I could feel the temperature. All in all, she seemed to like this the best. I also thoroughly enjoyed peeling the wax off after it dried!

We wrapped up the scene and sat together afterward for our aftercare. I asked her what she liked and disliked. It was honestly one of the most educational and eye opening experiences I’ve ever had in this lifestyle. Another human being allowed me to essentially do whatever I wanted to them. The sheer vulnerability of the whole act was mind blowing. I felt honored that she entrusted me with her safety and pleasure. I’ve heard it said that submission is a gift and I believe this wholeheartedly. I also realized that I could never entirely be a Dominant. I don’t know if I could handle that pressure and weight. This proves that for me it does not come naturally and shows that some people are just inherently dominant or submissive. I’d highly recommend that every kinkster, just once in their lives experience kink from the other side of the spectrum. You may not necessarily like it, but you would learn something!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Subbie Snap

January 23, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Up until now, we have concentrated on the broad principles that make relationships work. Communication, negotiation, limits and the like have been covered extensively. But what about the little, nagging things that can gnaw at the fabric of even the most solid Master/slave relationship? What are they? How can you avoid falling prey to them? Let’s start with one I call “subbie snap.” (This article is primarily aimed at Dom/mes and subs who are — or want to be — in a committed D/s relationship.)

In most D/s relationships, the broad principles of Dominance and submission are pretty obvious. So, when the Dom/Domme asks the submissive to “make coffee,” for example, neither really gives it a second thought. Compared to tying your submissive to a cross and flogging him/her within an inch of her/his safeword, this is no big deal. Or is it? Well it can be.

The “big commands” – like pushing limits in a public scene – happen only occasionally. But the “little orders” can be an everyday occurrence. The danger in these “little commands” is that the submissive is reluctant to object to them no matter how annoying they might be.

For example, let’s say that every time the submissive opens up a can of Coca-Cola for her/himself, the Master/Mistress seizes the can and takes a big gulp out of it, almost finishing it. In a vanilla relationship, the partner can just say, “Next time get your own friggin’ soda.” In a Master/slave relationship, no matter how much this habit gets on the slave’s nerves, he/she would just accede to this demand and make no mention of it. Over time, this can build up from a minor annoyance to a major resentment. If there are too many of these little unresolved annoyances, it can add up to an overall feeling of frustration. In the worst case scenario, left unchecked, this can cause what I call “subbie snap.” This is where the submissive “loses it” and tells the Master/Mistress off. Little frustrations, added up over time, can turn into one big frustration that can threaten the whole D/s dynamic of the relationship.

The problem here is that most submissives won’t mention these little things to the Dominant. While he/she might mention a major problem, there can be a reluctance to seem “un-slavelike” when it comes to these tiny, seemingly unimportant, irritations. What to do?

From the Dominant side, a keener sense of observation might be called for. When in a scene, a given Dominant might be the most observant person on the planet. But when in garden-variety life interactions, this same Dominant can be as thick as a brick. Thus, the Dom/me must make a special effort to keenly observe the submissive’s demeanor on a regular basis. The Dominant should look to see if the slave is making those “little faces” when responding to small requests. If it is not an important demand, you — the Dom/me — might want to request it less often. On the other hand, it might be a tip-off that the whole Master/slave dynamic is going off kilter. In this case, the “C word” – communication – comes to the rescue. It might be time to address it before it becomes a bigger problem; taking care of business early can prevent a major case of “subbie snap.”

From the submissive’s point of view, don’t suffer in silence. Not wanting him hogging your Coca-Cola might not seem a big enough deal to risk looking un-slavelike – but it can be. If your Master has some annoying habits that make you squirm, don’t be afraid to mention it. There is nothing unusual about being a good slave in all regards but having a few minor things you simply loathe doing. Small frustrations are easy to nip in the bud – before they become big frustrations. On the other hand, if your actions are a symptom of a bigger problem, it is incumbent on you to tell your Dominant. What is to be gained by hiding it? In the long run, by not confronting it, you might ruin your relationship. Here, again, communication is essential. Remember, if your Dominant does not observe the problem, then you must tell him/her. Your Master/Mistress might be many things, but a mind reader is probably not one of them. And if he/she is not good at reading the little signs I have been pointing out, then you must advise him/her about what is causing you grief.

At the end of the day, both parties should be fulfilled in a Master/slave relationship. And avoiding “subbie snap,” even at the risk of breaking of your particular protocol, is one way to insure that.

Dexx Interviews Hudsy Hawn

December 19, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Dexx: You seem to have your hand in quite a lot of different projects and activities in the kink world. You have the Stockroom University and you’re well known for various TV appearances. I’d like to explore how you got into all of this kinky stuff in the first place. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

Hudsy Hawn: I had no idea until I was getting a divorce and I met a Dom by accident on Craigslist. Up until that point, I hadn’t explored it at all except maybe a “who’s your daddy” spanking during vanilla sex. But I had no idea- I’d never even thought about BDSM. I’d seen those pictures of men in chaps or the woman in a comedy movie holding a whip but that was the extent of it. But then I met a man in the middle of the night, literally in the middle of the night at 1am in 2005. And I thought I was going over for a booty call and instead I was ordered to my knees. I crawled around on the floor and drank red wine out of a bowl and my love of kink was born.

That’s great. Did you have some hesitancy at the time or did you just kind of say, “Wow this is fantastic, this is for me!”

I think because I was suffering through a divorce and feeling very lonely, I was kind of acting out with my choices. Looking back I could have been a little more careful. Who I am now, I’m a lot more careful but I think that back then, that’s how it had to happen for me. The element of surprise knocking me over into this world of excitement I never knew about and lucky for me, it was someone who was sane enough to have not turned me off of to it forever.

So now it seems like it’s become a pretty big part of your life. Do you do other stuff as well or is it all kink?

(laughs)Well I had childhood plans to be a singer but then I kind of fell into this world ten years ago. I love it so much because for me its like therapy. It’s a little bit like figuring out what makes someone tick and how you can best get along with your partner through the acts of BDSM and roleplay. Before this I was a hotel supervisor, a special events planner, a cover band singer and musical theatre performer so I’ve kind of taken all of those vanilla jobs and fused them into my high profile BDSM career. I curate events and classes here at The Stockroom Hall. I still love to perform onstage; I enjoy taking my vast knowledge of modern music and creating new outside the box versions of popular tunes. My autobiographical show The Mermaid Diaries: Beneath the Covers is all about my journey from vanilla to kink. I use my own original music and well known covers to tell my story in a way that’s outlandish and different, with a dose of BDSM. I find a way to blend all of my lives and jobs together, if that makes sense.

You used to work at The Dominion as a Pro Domme so I’m curious about how you first got into doing that, working on the Pro side?

Once I discovered BDSM, I started going to the clubs and at the clubs I met people, some who were pro and lifestyle and I thought why don’t I try being a pro submissive? I love being submissive so I went in and interviewed and they hired me and that already was five years into my kink journey, back in 2010. I found that I loved it and I loved being around the other women and I loved meeting all of the different people and the clients that were into it. I had a lot of mentors there that helped create who I am today. While I was there I became a switch and discovered that in my personal life I prefer being a switch but now that I’m a grown woman, being a Pro Domme is better for me personally and professionally.

When you were first starting out as a Pro was there a training program to teach you how to be a pro submissive or a Pro Domme or did you have a particular person who mentored you to teach you those skills?

Well, The Dominion or any Dungeon/House is a great place for people to go work and learn BDSM skills. If you want to go learn about protocols and behaviors its best to find a personal mentor and that could be at a dungeon where people work or it could be a personal relationship or a friendship or more. I have been lucky enough to have mentored with a lot of great people. Lady Hillary, Mistresses Snow Mercy and Nikki Rouge, RevMel and many others have taught me a lot about how to be FemDom but then all the relationships I’ve had, men that I’ve been a submissive to or fetish family members I’ve been close to… The Dominion’s Resident Male Dom, Sir Rucifer is also my dearest brother, I love him to death and he’s taught me a lot. My exes have also taught me about what does and doesn’t work in a D/s dynamic. The local community has mentored me more than any one person or place.

Is there much cross over between the people that are paying clients say like at The Dominion and the fetish scene in terms of events like munches, classes, and play parties? Is it the same people or is it distinct crowds?

I find that in my experience people that pay for sessions are people that are private and so you won’t see them out at the clubs whereas the people at the clubs tend to be people who are already together as a couple or are all friends and so to me its been a separate energy. Separate clientele. There’s the clients who pay for it and they keep their life private from everyone, then there’s the people who actually don’t pay for it and just go to the clubs and play with each other. Because they can. That’s not to say that people that pay for sessions are always private, some people are completely out there. I’ll have people come in that do a session with me but I also see them at a Fetish Ball. I’ll say a large percentage is people that don’t take it anywhere else.

Switching over to talking about Stockroom University,what is the Stockroom University all about?

Every Saturday afternoon The Stockroom University is about helping bring kink education to the vanilla mainstream person who is curious and ready to take it to the next level. We want to offer direction in a safe, sane, and consensual way. We try to cater to all class topics and requests and desires, whether it be beginners who want to know how to get started, or to people who have been doing it a while who really want to learn a different angle on what they love. We also provide our space for a lot of sex positive evening events. We have sex educators come in and do their own private events, we’ve had burlesque events, and put on shows. I did my autobiographical show here. With upcoming seminars and fetish film festivals underway, the sky is the limit.

So there are a lot of first timers or beginners coming into the classes?

Sure, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the year I’ve been here and that makes me really happy because I see that what we’re doing is creating sex positive support and making a difference. People have a safe place to go and then afterwards they get a discount in our Syren Boutique store. So they can actually take what they learned and go buy something and enjoy themselves that same night.

So what kind of topics have you covered so far?

Oh, so many; animal play, shibari, protocols and positions, various panels, (FemDomme,male submissives…) We’ve had transgender panels, love of latex classes, leather and boot blacking instruction, and even instructionals on fisting and rough sex. We always give a disclaimer at the beginnings of these types of classes for obvious reasons. We want to make sure people understand what will be shared before class starts so we have their consent and understanding of content.

So who are you typically pulling in to teach these kinds of classes? Is it people from Los Angeles or all around the country?

We have people from all over. We have repeat educators like Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg who are from the Showtime show Sex with Sunny Megatron. They come in a couple times a year and do amazing classes. Last time they were here they did an edge play class. They’re going to be doing a Halloween class on Hilarious Humiliation. Midori comes in a couple times a year as well. She will be here tomorrow with a class on Rope Dominance. We have a lot of local names in the community like Orpheus Black, Snow Mercy, Danarama, Sir Nik Satanas, Nikki Nefarious and many more. We even had some BDSM erotica authors come in and they did a panel and sold their books, but I’m also open to new instructors contacting me and if their experience and course is right for us, we’d love to have them. We’re open to meeting new people, it’s just a matter of if they have they taught before, and can I see a history of their career so that I make sure I’m protecting our students and our curriculum integrity.

The Stockroom seems to be a pillar of the BDSM community here in LA but I guess the whole country as it seems to be the main supplier of toys.

I’ve heard Our CEO and Founder Joel Tucker tell the story himself how about almost thirty years ago he was a young college kid wanting to be able to flog his girlfriend at the time but he couldn’t afford the expensive toys the local stores were selling. He was like, “Why don’t I do this myself?” He found the materials and he started making product in his apartment and he became so successful, taking mail orders and creating his own catalogue. JT’s Stockroom eventually became The Stockroom and we are still the first original and most successful internet source for Adult Toys.

You touched on this earlier , but have you noticed and increase in BDSM since the Fifty Shades movie came out earlier this year?

Definitely. I’ve noticed a change, an improvement in interest and I’ve noticed that people that come in are people that I haven’t met in the scene, and its even older couples which makes me very happy because I see that they are invigorating their relationships with this. I’ll ask what brought them to this and they’ll say my wife liked the book or I saw the movie and wanted to check out some toys and I was very happy to see that you had some classes because after I buy the toys its like “what do I do with this?!” It’s great to have that option for them.

That’s fantastic! So would you say generally speaking, BDSM is becoming more accepted within society as a result?

I think the books and films on BDSM have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. And I think that it’s just going to get better. I know that the Fifty Shades trilogy is going to milk it a little bit longer and by then I think there will be even more stories coming out about it which will be very supportive. I think the stigma that happens that some in the community dislike is that we’re hurting ourselves or that it’s not consensual or that we had something happen in to us in our childhood. For me there’s nothing like that. It was always just about realizing BDSM helped me connect with my partner. And I liked that and it forced me to focus on things because a lot of times people will be doing missionary and they’ll be looking over your shoulder. You don’t know if it feels good or if they’re into it or if they’re thinking about something else and with BDSM you are forced to connect. Some of the sexiest roleplay I’ve done is just my partner and I staring at each other and we don’t touch each other. You know, it taps into that mental telepathy or something and I think that’s great. That’s definitely something that you need in a good scene.

So The Try Guys video, its had over 3 million views now. It seems like that was a fun project to be involved in.

Yea, its been great! My good friend Steven Aleck asked me to do it. He produced a lot of the Buzzfeed videos. They called me in and he said we just want you to show us the ropes so to speak and I asked, well is this going to be lighthearted or are you just going to make fun of it? Because if you’re going to make fun of it, then I don’t want to make fun of what I love. They said no and I watched their videos and they do everything very respectfully and what makes them so successful is they’re these average guys trying something that isn’t average and allowing the viewer to experience it safely from their computer. That’s why they’re a huge hit. That’s why that video is doing really well. And I don’t read the comments but I think that it’s only helping to have a light hearted attitude about it. They were great fun, it was a really short shoot, and we got to feature some of The Stockroom’s gear. They were also using Love Honey gear, which is the official Fifty Shades of Gray toy. So I was kind of taking turns with both of the different designs and it was a lot of fun.

And you’ve been involved in some other vanilla TV projects like Storage Wars and have you ever any negative reactions from people about BDSM while you’ve been working with people from outside of the kink community?

No, I mean I’ve worked for some very mainstream vanilla companies and I’ve even worked at the happiest place on earth and they all knew about it; my immediate colleagues knew about it. They all thought it was hilarious and would ask me questions and I could see them logging information for later. And I haven’t had any negativity but I think I’ve always just been so open about who I am even before kink that everyone in my life is just used to it. So they just go “Oh that’s just her. Doing that thing again.” I have had some people hint that they preferred it when I was just a singer and I’m like, why not put my kink story into my singing? I think that makes me more interesting. You know that old song from Gypsy, “You gotta get a gimmick” (if you wanna get ahead?) You know kink is an accidental gimmick to my singing career that’s happened so I enjoy using that for all it’s worth. Both are a part of me.

I saw your stage show at at DomCon, it was great and clearly you’re a talented singer and performer. Did you have some prior experience doing theatrical stuff or other stage background?

I started in high school doing musical theater. I did it in college as well. And then the cover band business kind of fell into my lap by accident. So the reason I kind of call the show Beneath the Covers is because I was a cover band singer for fifteen years so I know hundreds of songs in my head and I love taking them and tweaking them and that’s why I use them in the show. That was my bread and butter for years.

Being so well known in the community do find that when you go out and just want to do a play session at a play party that you get mauled with people that all want to say hello?

If only it was that exciting! That picture is very complimentary but that doesn’t really happen. I think the reason it seems that way is because I’ve done some internet and television and being in the right place at the right time. There are so many well known Dom/Domme’s that have done much more than I have that I deeply respect. I just happened to hit at the right moment when BDSM became a mainstream big deal, so I’ve had some success because of that. When I’m out and about I have had some people say hello to me. They know me from Storage Wars or Try Guys or The Real Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m still just that quiet little girl from Alaska.

And do you have any words of advice for anyone young who wants to get more involved in BDSM or just starting out in the scene as an adult?

I’m considering a way to do something to help youth because I’ve had some sex educators and psychologists come to me and tell me that they’re actually doing counseling with high schoolers and their parents about how these kids are playing in private with each other. The parents would rather they speak to a psychologist in that field or someone like me who has an educational series where we can help todays youth understand what this all means and how to do it safely. BDSM books and movies have so many fans now, people like thirteen are finding this online and doing this. And I’m not saying that BDSM is wrong, but whatever happened to being a kid? I think that it’s very important that if anyone wants to get involved whether it’s a teenster or an adult, do your homework, do your research. Don’t just go online and meet up with somebody. I did that and I’ll tell you what, he was sexy at first, but he was completely unskilled and he injured me more than once. And yes, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you so I’m thankful for my history but I wish my first experience had been with someone who knew what they were doing and had experience dealing with someone elses well being. The best thing any newbie can do is be careful and read books like SM 101 and be a part of different educational series where you learn about safety and consent and not about just getting out there. Education is very important.

Hudsy Hawn is the Head Mistress of Special Events for Stockroom curating classes for Stockroom University and outreach programs for the Los Angeles area. You can read more about Hudsy and contact her here.

Pillow Princess Dom

November 21, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So I was having a conversation a while back with a friend of mine. If you know me personally, you know my memory sucks and I can’t remember the details of the conversation. However, what I do remember is that, for whatever reason, the way she was describing a Dom caused me to blurt out, “He’s a pillow princess Dom!” I then had to explain what a “pillow princess” was. If you haven’t heard this term before – here is the Urban Dictionary definition:

Pillow Princess: A woman, usually in a curious/bisexual context, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to reciprocate. Jane: All Jill ever does when we have sex is just lay back and have me do all the work.

So now you may be wondering how I applied this to a Dominant (and in the example my friend gave – a MALE Dom). Basically I am referring to a Dominant who thinks of power exchange as a one-way gift from the submissive. (fyi – for the purpose of this article I am using Dom to refer to any gender identity)

I think sometimes new D-types walk in to the scene and expect (either thru false media or false assumptions) that as a Dom they don’t have to do anything except tell subs what to do. Here’s the thing. I can understand that fantasy. Sit on your figurative throne, have a sub at your feet, massaging them, unless of course they are busy preparing you food, cleaning your house, and running your errands. Instinctively knowing what you need and how you prefer everything to be done. All the while you spend your time living your life the way you wish – outside of your job you simply sit back and watch tv or play video games while your sub frantically takes care of everything else.
While that may be a lovely fantasy, it’s just that, a fantasy. You will be hard pressed to find a sub who would last long in this scenario without getting anything in return. There is a reason it’s called power EXCHANGE. A D/s dynamic takes both partners giving to the other. They may be giving different things, but it’s never a one way street. Even in the example of a very simple domestic service type of dynamic – a sub cleans for a Dom with no expectation of sex, play, or payment. At the very least (in my opinion) there should at least be appreciation expressed from the Dom. Using protocols as another example – you can’t just give a bunch of protocols to your sub and expect them to happen. If you give so many that you can’t remember them and your sub forgets, you don’t reprimand, the protocol may disappear. It takes both parties to nurture the dynamic. We are all humans first. No matter how we identify or what fetishes we love, we are human beings first. So if you are someone I would consider a “pillow princess dom” you may want to reconsider. It may work for a little while, or for short spurts of roleplay with a long term partner, but eventually if you don’t participate in the exchange you will go thru subs like a Kardashian goes thru shoes.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Opinion: How S-types See Their Dominan Deeply

October 31, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

It is my experience that my submissives relate to me on several different levels all at once. In this article I’d like to play with the possibility that there are five identifiable levels. Their way of looking at their dom(me) and breathing your greatness can be thought of as falling into five categories. These groupings start at a barely human, earthy level and escalate to a spiritual high, landing you and your S-type at again a barely human level but this time up in the clouds.

I am a domme of twelve years experience. My submissive male partner and I have been together for seven years and counting. I am polyamorous and have had other relationships. As Mistress, my kink life has included temporary subs plus relationships with males and females. This is the context in which I bring you one of my deeper thoughts for your consideration.

Now, I need to say that there is no judgment about any level. These are happening with great overlap. On an everyday basis, three or four levels may be operating at once. It’s never five at once, however, since the highest and the lowest cancel each other out.

Remember, these are my ruminations about how S-types view their particular D-type and not D’s in general.

The S-type is making a one-to-one correlation in their imagination but more than that in their subconscious about what a dominant has to be. A character trait or physical trait is being associated with what it means to be dominant. For the most part the submissive or slave has no idea that they are doing this. The Inner Self needs what it needs. It goes looking for what it needs. A S-type that deeply needs a very large bodied dominant is never, ever going to take a skinny-bodied person seriously as their dominant. This is not a conscious choice.

What are these levels?:
1. At the top is a demi-god reverence.
2. Just below it is a best self.
3. An everyday self.
4. An everyday self.
5. At the bottom is a reverence for something base and earthy.

Demi-god means that a dominant is a representative for god or gods. The submissive or slave is making his dominant a stand in for their religious or spiritual practices. The S-type is not considering the Master or Mistress or Owner as the literal human who stands before them. That serves a great need for the S. Service is the point. But service at this level is a momentary thing and the S is grateful to get a glimpse at this higher self for themselves. They are the ones who are lifted higher. I know a couple who swear that in these moments she lifts him, too.

Best Self level is you or me cleaned up and presentable and more than either of us can hold at every moment. We can pull this one out if we need to though. The S-type has certainly seen this one repeatedly.

Everyday Self. Well, this one has two levels because comparatively one is shiny’r than the other. Let’s say this one is you or me before we have gotten that first cup of coffee in the morning and the other is one of us after the caffeine has kicked in. The S-type sees their dominant most strongly and that’s the point.

The Bottom level is really the bottom. It probably is not you or me. It is less than we can put out on an everyday basis. However, I have known a couple that seemed to like to hover around the earthy level as often as possible. The female dominant told me that she enjoyed gardening. Her slave male liked to catch her before she’d taken a shower. The smelly, naturalness drove him wild, literally. He was triggered into his animal persona. He met her on all fours as she entered the house and would not let her ignore him. She had special chains and cuffs on the bed for restraining him. Neither thought that the base reverence of his Mistress was a bad thing. This could also be the dominant who has not had much sleep or for any other reason really does not have themselves together temporarily and their S-type is particularly drawn to them right then. I’m thinking of myself at the airport after many hours of flight. I was lucky to have a slave who was eager to serve by getting my bags and driving us home and tucking me into bed.

What is the importance of thinking in levels to the submissive or slave? Well, there’s the S-type who is looking for their dominant. It’s good to know what the strongest attraction is for them. What if a brainy intellectual dominant does it for them? That information should be the strongest lead as they search. If a particular body type rings their Inner Voice then lead with that. Other traits can be secondary. Once the S-type has their desired dominant then, in my opinion, it is good to understand the dynamic between them. Instead of a mysterious, wondrous something that draws you to me you’ll know why. For instance, it is better to know that the highest level can only happen in momentary events. Your appreciation of those moments and of me will be greater.

What is the importance of levels to the dominant? How might this way of thinking make the D a better D? Might there be better care of the S? The D is experienced at using everything that presents itself in making the power dynamic sing. If the S is particularly excited by the body type or the spiritual persona or the deep voice of the dominant then the D can play with that aspect. They can make it more enhanced and draw the S to them tightly or knowingly reduce the attraction. The D really should remember that the S has a great desire for the highest levels so offer your S those special moments—the D/s or M/s moment of circulated dominant and submissive energy and true intimacy—so that they get there. If your S gets there through the base level then have at it.

The goals for the couple get played out in whatever form of power dynamic the couple has established, which has at its core some unique attractants like the S being drawn powerfully to his/her master/mistress.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

The Complete Mentoring Guide

October 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although we have covered the basics in our previous kinkweekly.com article, “What Is A Mentor?”, I thought a more detailed look would be useful – especially to new submissives. As with many BDSM traditions, “mentoring” in this “Fifty Shades” world is disappearing. People are just jumping into Dom/sub relationships. But until the practice totally dies out, I think we should examine it – if only to protect those new subs who might encounter – or seek out – this way of entering the lifestyle.

To recap: let’s define what “under the protection of (the Dominant)” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly looks out for and coaches a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting them from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Mentoring seems to have no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; there are no universal standards.

In its ideal manifestation, mentoring has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of screening potential Masters included consulting with the sub rather than screening them unilaterally, which is usually the case.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) Although this is truly an anecdotal observation (I have no hard statistics to back up this claim), it seems that this is especially true in a male Dom/female sub situation. In this “worst-case yet common” scenario, protection is just a way of getting the milk without buying the cow. The insecure Dom is able to take a female sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom – but without the responsibilities.
As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a mentor/protector, should they decide to pick one.

1. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential mentor has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an additional sub. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.

2. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your “protector” at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him and ask! The keyword is “ask.”

3. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, on kinkweekly.com.) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”

4. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…resign from kinkweekly.com…don’t talk to this Dom or that Dom…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag.

5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Doms who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.

6. Mentor should not be making demands. Ideally, a mentor should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.

7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. True story: I was at a local dungeon with my collared slave and a play partner. Play partner leaves us, checking out the play space; half hour later she comes back and states, “I cannot talk to you anymore, I am under the protection of Lord Bla Bla Bla,” whom she just met. Shortly thereafter, she left the lifestyle in disgust. The world won’t end if you wait a week or two. (Although watching the news, I am not so sure.)

8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the mentor’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, obligations and limits should be negotiated.

9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again, BDSM should be fun. If your mentor makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of mentoring and protection is an admirable one, one should never forget to always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a mentor/protector, you will choose wisely!

Bottoming From the Top

August 29, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

This article is addressed to the more advanced Masters/Mistresses among you, especially those who are involved in – or want to be involved in – Master/slave relationships. As opposed to many of my other articles, this one is mostly my own personal opinion. You might or might not agree with my observations; but I am presenting it as food for thought. (For the purposes of this article, I will use Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, slave and submissive interchangeably. I have covered in kinkweekly.com – and will cover in more detail – the differences between these terms.)

On the surface, Master/slave relationships seem pretty simple. But the dynamics of maintaining them can be a bit tricky. In previous articles, I have addressed the many common problems of maintaining BDSM relationships. Here I will discuss a more obscure problem I have noticed in some Master/slave relationships. I call it “bottoming from the Top.”

In any relationship, be it vanilla, D/s or M/s, both participants want it to work. This seems pretty obvious. But how you make it work is the trick. Theoretically, in a Master/slave relationship, the Master requests, the slave obeys — within, of course, the negotiated limits. And except for times when the Master makes an asinine demand outside those limits — like the “bus question” (below) — this should work just fine.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the “bus question,” which I referred to in a previous kinkweekly.com article, I will repeat it here:

The infamous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes, but Master would never ask me to do it.” That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But in reality, ask your submissive to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be “F*ck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word Master was quickly replaced by Asshole. Make a demand that can’t be honored, control can disappear in a N.Y. minute.)

But the obverse of making insane demands — “bottoming from the Top– can create problems, too. In this scenario, the Master/Mistress only asks for things they know the bottom will like or are easy to execute. “Master orders you to drink Coke, not Pepsi.” If this is done occasionally, then there will be few problems. It is when the Master/Mistress is constantly skewing his/her requests in such a way to please the slave that problems arise. Being a “Coca-Cola Dom,” as I put it, eats into the dynamics of the relationship and takes the “top” out of the Top. There must be some challenge for the submissive; predictability and dullness are not what BDSM should be about..

So why is “bottoming from the Top” as widespread as I have observed? Most times I have noticed this is done out of fear of upsetting the relationship; fear that if the Master screws up and asks for something the slave will refuse to do, he will lose the relationship. It is a totally justified and human fear and a hard one to overcome. To a greater or lesser degree, this fear is always present in any relationship. But being a Master or Mistress requires the ability to work around this tendency.

Naturally, a Master/Mistress should not ask for things that the slave would find abhorrent, even if not pre-negotiated as a hard limit. On the other hand, the Master should not be constantly thinking of only “what the slave will like.”

Ideally, Master/slave means the Master asks without guile, without over-thinking the request and without skewing his/her demands out of fear that the given request will not be precisely what the slave wants.

The closer you can come to this ideal — and it is an ideal — the closer you will come to a solid Master/slave relationship.

Two Dom or Not Two Dom

July 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

That is the question. How the heck can having two Doms in your life work? (For purposes of this article I am using “Dom” as reference to a D-type regardless of gender identity.) We are all used to seeing the Dom with more than one sub. Minus the complications and issues that sometimes come along with the poly aspect of that situation, the “one Dom, two subs” (or more) makes sense to us. It’s a structure with one leader, one person calling the shots. So how can it work to have two leaders in control of one mutual partner? Here we are back to that good ol’ thing we call communication. Plus a good dose of negotiation and a dash of compromise.

Let’s start with a few less even situations. One sub has two Doms, but is married, cohabiting and/or maybe has children with one of them. Typically in this type of situation the other Dom would yield authority when it interferes with domestic or family situations. Perhaps one is a Monday thru Friday Dom and the other is a weekend Dom – for example, they negotiate power exchange for parties plus perhaps they are allowed a certain number of tasks to be given throughout the week. Maybe one Dom is only interested in domestic service and so they have certain days that the sub spends time doing those domestic services for them – cleaning, errands, etc.

It can become a bit more difficult when there isn’t a more clear distinction between the two Doms like in the above examples. So consider it a situation similar to a poly situation where the sub has two people they are involved with. Except now – add the power exchange. In my opinion it can become very confusing very quickly if clear boundaries and expectations aren’t discussed from the start. One simple way to look at it is similar to how poly couples divide their time. Figure out days that work for the sub to be with each Dom and each Dom respects the other Dom’s time with the sub. Perhaps a rare, yet not impossible, situation is when you have more of a triad dynamic with two Doms. The two Doms working together within the power exchange. Perhaps they all play together, have a physical relationship that includes all three, and the two Doms assign tasks and lead the sub as a joint force. How much, of course, depends on how much of a power exchange has been negotiated.

I’ve given you a handful of possibilities as far as how to go about the “two doms, one sub” relationship. Not that this will be shocking to most people – but there are probably one hundred more variations of how this might work for people. The key is for everyone to be on board and be willing to talk and figure out what works best for all involved. It also helps for the Doms to not get too caught up with issues of ego or pride. A good healthy relationship between the Doms (even if it’s not a triad) does not hurt in these cases. So, no, it’s not impossible to have more than one Dom. Just like with anything else it simply takes a bit more energy and a willingness to embrace the possibility!

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