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This week in kink: June 4, 2018

June 4, 2018 By Desdemona 3 Comments

A lot of people struggle with telling their partners about their kinks. Click here to read advice from Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, about this subject.

Don’t miss the Kink Community featured in the New York Times! One of their reporters pays a visit to the Eulenspiegel Society, and presents an honest, non-biased view of our community.

Click here to read more

A Mom of two has launched her own site, called Brazen, dedicated to the exploration and education of swinging, domination, and rope bondage.

Click here to find out more

Mistress Eva- https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

Jean Paul Gaultier brings Dominatrix apparel to the ballet.

Click here to check it out

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”

The Making of Latex

May 28, 2018 By Latex 101 3 Comments

The Making of Latex 101 from Latex 101 on Vimeo.

Healthy Dominance

May 28, 2018 By slave_bunny 3 Comments

www.voxart9.com

I have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.

Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.

Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.

First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.

Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.

Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.

It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.

If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).

Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.

Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.

I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.

Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor). Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.

Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.

I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.

I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!

But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.

It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.

In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.

It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.

I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.

Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.

The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.

Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.

In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).

I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of D types’ responsibilities.

As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!

Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

Making A Scene

May 14, 2018 By Baron Von Aaron 8 Comments

There are few things in the BDSM world that are better than a great scene. Whether it’s a long, winding Sadomasochism session, a freaky role play, or a good old rough romp, great scenes are one of the best parts about being kinky for many of us.

We should start by talking about what a scene is. A scene generally is a period of time which you (usually with a partner or partners) create a space dedicated to practicing the activities that make you kinky in the first place, with the desired outcome of reaching some form of climax or satisfaction. That last part is the key element in what separates it from, say, a kinky activity or a bit of light play.

It should be noted that there are a number of other names for these shared experiences, like a Session or a Playtime, and there are some great discussions about what they should be called. For the sake of this piece, though, I’m going with Scene. I like the word Scene because it gives a better idea of what the whole experience should be like. It should be like a performance, a work of art, and it should tell a story.

For the sake of clarity, I don’t mean it should start with “Once upon a time” and end “Happily ever after”. What I mean is it should flow from moment to moment, movement to movement, and take us on some kind of journey together. This is something I’ve implemented in my play, whether it’s an intimate moment between myself and my partner or a performance in front of a crowd of people on a stage.

So let’s talk about how to build and pull off a great scene.

Communicate Roles and Story Clearly

To tell a good story, you need a character, a motivation, and a journey. When we play out a scene, we need the same thing. All parties need to know what their roles are, what drives them in the scene, and where they are going. This is an essential part of a negotiation that takes it from a conversation about implements and pain tolerance and transforms it into a collaborative effort to build an experience together.

One thing I almost always ask when negotiating a scene is “What would you like to get from this scene?” As a bottom, this gives me a valuable understanding of how to best fulfill my partner’s needs. As a top, this also gives me an idea of the “Genre” of the scene. It tells me where the other person wants the scene to go, and that tells me a lot about how to get there as we craft the scene together.

Know how to begin

Any good story has a Beginning, and Middle, and an End. I think most of us know how to do the middle part of the scene pretty well, as that’s the part that people tend to focus on. The beginning is important too, though. Like a story, the beginning of a scene should focus on establishing the roles, the tone, the theme, and the direction. Once you have established with your partner(s) what your story is, work with them to get that story going in a way that lets you both (or all) really get into it.

One thing I like to do when topping with a new partner is to begin a scene with a lot of touch and quiet eye contact. I make slow and deliberate movements. I feel the parts of their body that might be involved in the scene or quietly talk about what is about to occur. What happens in this time all depends on what the coming scene will be. However, it always contains a few minutes of connection and focus to establish the rapport and what I’ll call the “Dialogue” of the scene (after all, isn’t most of what we do just a form of communication?). During this time,

I am setting the scene up, giving us both a chance to get into the right headspace to get into it.

Buy into the drama of your scene

Imagine watching a horror movie where all the actors seemed like they were too busy trying to be cool or to seem above it all to buy into the fact that some monster or alien or masked killer is coming after them. What gives us the chills and makes us scream is their ability to buy into the fear and uncertainty their character is meant to convey. You want to do the same thing when you are getting into your scene. Whatever your role is- a super strict Dominant, or a wanton masochist, or a petulant brat-let yourself get into it. Let yourself buy into your role.

This can be especially hard when you are playing in a public space. You might feel a little silly barking like a puppy in front of people, or calling someone a “Boot slut” and scowling. That’s totally normal for many people who are new. One piece of advice that I got during Drama class has stuck with me in my BDSM journey; “Play your scene TO the audience, but play it FOR your partner.” It can be fun to get on-lookers into it, but in the end remember that you are here for the other person(s), and let that drive you to really express yourself.

Don’t take yourself too seriously though

We see actors struggle with this all the time. When they can’t laugh off a flubbed line, or take a minute to be themselves, they get so far into character that they can’t seem to break it. They often become a burden to those around them, going on abusive rants like Christian Bale in Terminator, or terrorizing castmates like Jared Leto in Suicide Squad.

We should recognize this in our own scenes, too. What we do is very real, but it’s also not at the same time. In reality, I’m not really a pillaging Viking, I don’t fit the clinical definition of a “Sexual Sadist,” and just because someone calls me Daddy doesn’t mean I am their parent. In many ways, what we do subverts reality by giving us the space to express aspects of ourselves that need a place to live and breathe. Many of us take it very seriously to varying levels, of course, but allowing yourself space to not take things too seriously is important. Stay grounded. Laugh when you need to. Preserve the magic, but respect the reality.

Use foreshadowing

Few things in a story are better than payoffs, and a good payoff is built around a healthy and reasonable dose of foreshadowing. Whether it’s laying out all the toys for the scene before you even start, or it’s giving the crop a good smack against a nearby surface to send chills, or making a comment about their feet moving around too much several minutes before doing a little consensual bondage mid-scene, use foreshadowing to build the tension a little and make those payoffs even better.

For example, one thing I have enjoyed doing is teasing out a certain toy. I’ll bring it out with a partner as we negotiate and mention how much I love it (it’s a 12 inch piece of high-temp pressure hose), and tell them it’s name (“Shia LeBouf” because I feel that no one else really appreciates it like I do, but it always puts in good work). Throughout the scene, without using it, I mention how much I love Shia. Every time I go to find another toy, I will hold it up or talk about it. Or maybe I’ll smack it against my hand and talk about how it feels.It builds the tension, and makes them wonder when Shia will make an appearance. Then, when I feel like it, I’ll bring that toy in and reward their patience. This gives the scene not only a sense of tension, but also intention, which drives it towards a payoff that can really give the scene a lot of energy.

Give your scene some twists and turns

Have you ever listened to a song that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, with no buildup or hooks, nothing to keep you going, so you tune out after like 40 seconds? A scene can end up like this if you don’t know how to maintain the drama. Now, I don’t mean Drama like the social kind. I mean having tension, movement, twists, and breaks. As you negotiate and play, give your scene a rhythm. Then let that rhythm move and flow. Give it build ups and let downs. This may seem like it applies mostly to tops, but bottoms can also play a role as well.

This doesn’t have to be a complicated, Shyamalan-level twist. It can be as simple as knowing when to take it slower or when to build intensity. This is as much about playing with the mind as it is about playing with the body. One favorite of mine is when a partner and I have decided and negotiated to push the scene until they are nearing their threshold for pain. When it’s clear to both of us that we may need to stop soon, I will ask them for “Just one more strike, okay?”, giving them a chance to get up their nerve. Then I will line up my shot, making them count down from 3 to 1 so “I know when to go” (insert ironic tone for effect). When they get to the last number, instead of striking them, I’ll strike my own hand or a nearby surface causing a loud noise. This often leads to a lot of cursing and name-calling, but it can be a very effective twist on an intense moment.

Don’t be afraid to improvise

I want to be very clear with this one; I do not recommend or condone improvising in a way that violates negotiation or consent of the other party (or parties).

There are ways, though, that you can improvise while maintaining respect for the boundaries and expectations of your partner. This is a lot like stage improv. When you perform any kind of improvisation on stage, there is a concept called “Yes, and…”, meaning you support and affirm your partner, and then add something of your own to carry on the scene. You also have an established setting and “rules” you follow. You and your partner work together within those boundaries to keep a scene moving.

Kink is the same way. You can work together to improvise through a BDSM scene too. This comes up a lot in rope, actually, as many ties are difficult to execute, or hard on the bottom. If you become too committed to a specific rig or harness, it can end up making a scene much more frustrating, which makes the whole experience worse as a result..

Instead of getting stuck, or frustrated, allow yourself a break from the private commitment you’ve made to yourself in a scene and instead focus on working with your partner to improvise a way to keep the scene going. If you need to redirect or change pace within the boundaries of your negotiated scene, you should give yourself the space to do so. Again, I want to reiterate that this is not permission to change consent mid-scene, nor am I recommending violating your negotiated agreement. This is about the conversation between the Top(s) and bottom(s) taking on the cooperative “Yes, and…” nature of improvisation, trying to walk organically through a scene together.

Know how to end

Much like Beginnings, people often struggle with endings. They either treat it like a workout and just do a little cooldown, jumping right into aftercare, or perhaps just ending it outright without much notice. This can be jarring and unnerving (Imagine if Star Wars just ended with the explosion of the Death Star. Boom, explosion, and roll credits).

Plan the end of your scene before it comes. This is, again, one mostly for the tops. Know when you are hitting the Third Act, where the climax should go, and how you should wind down from that. An important part of this is to know when enough is enough.

A common problem with scene endings I come across is people who keep wanting to push for more when more is untenable. A lot of times, a scene will need to end before we are prepared for it, which can be disturbing and/or unsatisfying. With this being said, it’s important to see the end coming before it’s there, and act accordingly with the everyone’s best interest in mind. I like to include a conversation in the scene at some point where I will my partner(s) to self-assess where they are at, or give them a clear indicator that I am going to be wrapping up. This may be on the nose for some, but for me it’s a simple way to signify the shift in tone that comes with ending a scene.

For many, having great scenes won’t just happen without putting in a little bit of work. Anyone can have amazing playtimes if they are willing to put in the practice, though. Remember that, ultimately, a good scene is about everyone having a wonderful time, feeling satisfied, and wanting to do it again because it was that awesome. Pain, humiliation, service, and control are all ways of expressing ourselves and communicating with each other. Like any language, you can learn how to speak it in a way that excites people. Keep that in mind as you work on your scenes and you’ll do great.

By: Baron Von Aaron

Aaron is a kinkster, writer, Viking, and Curling fan with over a decade worth of experience. He enjoys sharing the knowledge and insights he has gained over his own journey. Follow him on Twitter @BaronKink

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, 2018

December 11, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

Although New Years Eve is a couple of weeks away, it creeps up on you faster than a Ninja on speed. I remember when Prince was singing about 1999, I thought 2000 would never come. I was so wrong. Soon it will be 2018. Thus I will submit my usual kinkweekly.com New Years Resolutions a little early.

I will skip the ones that everyone makes and usually ignore – to go to the gym, to lose ten pounds and to eat healthier. Instead I will offer three BDSM-related resolutions, which will give you some ideas to keep your play sharp and your relationships fresh.

Resolved: to respect tradition. In this fast-paced world, it is sometimes tempting to cut corners and forget traditions. For example, I have always been a proponent of a “go slow” approach with respect to collaring. Although I don’t believe you must literally follow the three stage (consideration, training and formal) Old Guard collaring sequence, one should not be hasty where collaring is concerned. A number of years ago, I tried rushing the sequence and the results were not good. This is not to say that, were I to have gone slow, things would have worked out. But at least I would not have violated some principles that I have stood for all my BDSM life. They say confession is good for the soul; but this admission is more than that. I might help others with this cautionary tale. The reason the collaring process has stood the test of time is that the lifestylers who have appreciated it have found it to be a rock solid system. Those who use Velcro collars most often find that “castles made of sand fall into the sea, eventually.” My first BDSM New Year’s resolution is to respect our traditions – and collaring is only one institution being ignored in our post-Fifty Shades world. Respect and promote as many BDSM customs as you can before all have disappeared.

Resolved: to learn three new forms of BDSM play. There is a tendency for all of us to get complacent. We have a bag of tricks that serves us well and we get comfortable with them. Problems arise when we get bored or, even worse, walk through our play sessions on autopilot. There is nothing like a new technique to get our juices flowing again. Just peruse the BDSM play articles right here on kinkweekly.com and you will find many areas of play that you might have overlooked. Expanding your fields of expertise is always a good way to keep your play fresh and exciting.

Resolved: to buy a new BDSM toy once a month. Although most resolutions are easy to let slide, this one is simple enough to uphold. After all, the upside is awesome, yet it requires little effort. After all, isn’t the number one reason New Year’s resolutions fail is because they require too much work? Well this one is a snap. With the Internet, you can buy toys without leaving your home. And, what better way to add excitement to your play than by ordering a new flogger, a new cane or a new insertable for your toy collection on a regular basis? This is one New Year’s resolution that is a surefire hit – and it doesn’t require any sit-ups or starvation!

Usually, most of us ignore our New Year’s resolutions after two or three months. In the case of these BDSM promises, even if you let them slide after a few months, you have a bunch of new toys and some fresh techniques. And, if you adopt my personal resolution to respect BDSM traditions, how can you lose?

In this New Year, maybe you won’t lose ten pounds – but if you follow my lead you will improve both your BDSM play and your relationship!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Setting the Scene

October 2, 2017 By anniebear Leave a Comment

How to prepare for success and handle the occasional failure.

You’d be a foolish person to assume that your scene will go 100% perfect every time. Sometimes a partner’s headspace may not be in the right spot, maybe a toy breaks or you accidentally injure someone. These things happen and as responsible players, we know the risks associated with practicing BDSM. There are steps you can take to plan for the best case scenario and also some fail safes for when things go downhill.

Set the scene
Do you fancy a little romance? Maybe you prefer a more sterile environment? Put some effort into your play space. Lighting a few tea lights around the room can go a long way! Set out a few bottles of water and a snack for afterwards. Put on your favorite tunes. You don’t have to put out a bed of rose petals but thoroughly cleaning the room and adding a few touches will show your partner you’re serious about having a good time.

Take proper care of your toys
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen some really old, nasty looking toys out and about at parties. I know these things can get expensive, but if your toys are stained, cracked, frayed, or any number of the things that happen over time, its time to get new ones! By cleaning and regularly maintaining your toys, you will increase the lifespan and be a hygienic player. This includes leather products like floggers and whips. These often get ignored in the cleaning process yet can harbor some of the yuckiest bacteria. Clean your toys!

When playing with locks or handcuffs, have an extra key!
You think this would be a no brainer but it’s very easy to misplace the key in the moment. There you are, dominating and flying high only to look a bit like a fumbling dope when it comes time to unlock your partner and the key is nowhere to be found! It’s happened to me, it’s happened to a few friends of mine, and it can happen to you! Keep a spare key nearby in the room in which you’re playing in addition to placing one in your pocket.

Pack a first aid kit
Very few Dom/mes I know actually carry a first aid kit. I’ve personally had to go ask a Dungeon Monitor for a bandaid once. Lesson learned! Carry a travel kit with your toy bag. At home, have a fully stocked, disaster made first aid kit handy. You’re purposely inflicting or receiving pain, sooner or later something may go wrong so best have these materials on hand as a just in case.

If you make a mistake or someone gets hurt, stay calm!
Don’t freak out, don’t ignore it, address the situation and if possible, move on. If someone does get injured in an unintentional way, acknowledge it. If they need medical attention, go get it! The embarrassment you may experience at the hospital explaining the injury is well worth it if it’s serious enough. You are two consenting adults and sometimes this happens.

Aftercare
Do aftercare. Here is a full article on it so I can spare you the lecture ;)

How do you set your scene? We’d love to hear about both your successes and failures along with how you handled the situation in the comments below!

anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Objectification: Part Two

August 1, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Objectification, as noted in last week’s article, has a built-in power disparity that works great in a D/s context. Since objectification play is more a mental exercise than a technical skill, it is ideal for those new in the lifestyle who want to establish, or reinforce, a power exchange. This practice can take many forms, but at its heart is the aim to strengthen the power disparity that is the core of any D/s interaction. And it is fun too!

So here is a list of eight additional Objectification scenarios that can add excitement to your BDSM – and sex — life.

The submissive as the Master/Mistress’s footstool. “Submissive as furniture” is probably the most popular form of objectification play. Often the submissive is required to be a footstool for the Dom/me. Or, the bottom can be turned into a table, on all fours, with dishes of food on his/her back. You can take this “slave as furniture” concept anywhere you want to. Slave as toilet. Slave as room decoration. Slave as ashtray.

Enforced Accessibility. This set-up is great for couples with an objectification fetish that want to reinforce the sexual aspects of submission. Different that the “sex doll” objectification in that the Dominant selects a particular period of time when the submissive must be available for sex, regardless of other considerations. During these specific periods of time the bottom knows that the Top can demand any sexual act from him/her and is required to be ready for such demands. Many couples find the both the anticipation by the bottom of such periods and the sexual objectification inherent in such a scenario to be incredibly exciting.

Forniphilia. Making furniture with a bound submissive is known as “forniphilia.” (There is a name for everything it seems!) Be forewarned. Don’t keep the sub in “furniture bondage” for too long. Watch for cramping. In this type of scene, a safe word is in order.

Combining BDSM with objectification. There is no rule that says objectification must be a stand-alone act. Tie a submissive to a St. Andrews Cross and talk about her/him in the objective case, hang a sign on her/him or put items on her/him are objectification scenes I have actually witnessed. The key is always making sure that the bottom is being objectified as opposed to just being scened with.

Objectification combined with humiliation play. An interrogation scene, where the submissive is treated as a nameless prisoner, is one way to go. This is likely to involve gags, blindfolds and verbal humiliation. Interrogation scenes, by their very nature, have a way of becoming harsh; care must be taken to respect negotiated limits.

Hood play. Just putting a hood on a submissive is exquisite objectification. She/he is, by definition, faceless and becomes nothing but an object. This is an extremely safe, yet incredibly effective, way of objectifying a submissive. Just make sure the hood is fitted properly and the slave can breathe easily.

Puppy play. This is another extremely popular activity. There might be a debate whether this is pure objectification; it might me more “animalization” if you wish to be technical. No matter, it is a very popular BDSM activity. In fact, there are national “puppy play” competitions. In this scenario, the bottoms become puppies; the “Master/Mistress” is often referred to as a trainer – as in animal trainer. Plush puppy paws, chew toys, puppy suits and leashes are items that “puppy players” use to take this style of “objectification” play to its highest levels.

Pony play. Again, one can debate if this is “objectification” per se. In pony play, the Dominant trains the submissive to walk, trot and act like a pony. The proper gait – from a slow trot to a cantor – and perfect pony posture are two of the aims of the serious pony trainer. The “show pony” is beautifully dressed in headgear, elegant footwear and reigns, often pulling a cart. This is a very safe – and pricey! — way to objectify one’s submissive, hence the large number of pony play aficionados.

Objectification runs the gamut from “human sex doll” to “slave as toilet,” from “hood play” to “forniphilia,” from “light verbal humiliation” to “heavy degradation.” Because of this wide range, it is one of the most popular forms of BDSM play. It doesn’t require years of practice to learn; you can get the same rush with objectification play as you can with a bullwhip. Just remember that you must always keep the psychological well being of the bottom in mind. Don’t push objectification to such a point that you can damage the submissive’s psyche. Have a safe word that the submissive can use for any reason that she/he feels her/his limits have been passed. Those safety considerations aside, this is a great way to have fun within your tastes and limits!

The “Charlie Brown” Scene

July 19, 2016 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

You know the one. Everything just goes sideways. Nothing you planned seems to go the way you imagined. There are a few ways this can happen, but for this article I’m not going to talk about hitting triggers or pushing limits too far. I’m going to focus on a scene that includes things that you’ve maybe done a hundred times. A scene that, on paper, should be fantastic.

How can a scene like this go wrong?

Often it’s about head space. This can go for either partner. If the bottom had a rough day or they are stressed about work, family, etc. – it may be very difficult for them to stay connected during play. Same goes for the Top. Perhaps there are emotional or hormonal influences. One or both partners feel emotional (anxiety, sadness, depression, irritability…) and not know why. Yet it influences their focus on the scene or maybe their ability to “let go” and enjoy the moment they are sharing.

It may be indicative of a relationship issue. Perhaps something that happened shortly before the scene (minutes, hours, or days) that has yet to be discussed or resolved.

Other people in the room can also have a huge impact on head space. There may be another scene nearby that is completely distracting. Or, my favorite (can you hear the sarcasm here?), the rude “peanut gallery” standing way too close and having their own conversation or – better yet – throwing their two cents into your scene. These are all external influences that can really effect head space.

Another situation that causes a “Charlie Brown” scene is when the Top forgets which partner they’re playing with. This may sound absurd to some people reading this, however, I assure you it happens. What I mean by this is when the Top has several play partners and they mix up likes vs dislikes or they get a bit ahead of themselves and skip over the warm up, thus putting the bottom in “toleration” mode.

So what do you?

Whenever the scene is over, I recommend you have a conversation. (I know I always harp on the whole communication thing – Gah!) When the scene is over depends on you and/or your partner. Many times when a scene is just not going well, regardless of how many things you try, one person will call it before it would normally be over. This is ok. Even if you wanted it to continue, I recommend not “guilting” your partner about stopping the scene short.

Talk about what you’re feeling or what it is that’s on your mind. If it was external “noise” from other people then take a moment and decide whether or not you want to continue to play – perhaps in a different room. If it’s individual stressors or emotional reactions, let whichever partner that is having the feels talk it out. Maybe once they’ve vented a bit you can try to play again. If it was the scene itself (as in the scenario where the Top isn’t tuned into their partner who’s in front of them) then talk about what came up, what the Top was thinking or what felt off for the bottom. Decide together if you want to give it another go. As far as the unresolved relationship issues, well, work at resolving them! Not only that – also try and communicate about how to resolve issues in the future before they become a problem that, in turn, disrupts play.

Having said all that I will add that of course there are reasons a scene can go south that I haven’t mentioned. Hopefully you get the general idea. Sometimes you gotta just chalk it up to an off night, go home and watch TV, and then try again another day. That is perfectly ok too.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Non-Sexual Play from the Top

June 13, 2016 By Jenn Masri 11 Comments

At the end of March I wrote an article about non-sexual play from the perspective of the s-type, or bottom. I feel it’s only fair to write about non-sexual play from the D-type, or Tops, perspective as well. Because I can’t assume you read the previous article, I will paste an excerpt here regarding sexual vs non-sexual play.

“First I need to break down sexual vs. non-sexual the way I will use it for this article. I am going to be very literal. Many people would argue that every scene, all play, is sexual. If it turns you or the other person on, it’s sexual. Well, first of all, not all play is about sexual arousal. However, that is a discussion for another day. For my purpose I am using non-sexual play to mean that no sexual acts are performed during the scene. No “naughty bits” are touched, no kissing, etc.”

There are some reasons a Top would play this way that is similar to a bottom playing this way. For example, the scene could be for a demo or performance where the primary focus of the Top is making sure technique is correct and/or that it looks good for the audience.

But how about for a personal scene?

Personally, I’ve done many “sampler scenes” – showing the bottom (regardless of how they identify) how various implements or types of play feel. They may be new to the scene or perhaps they identify as a D-type but want to understand implements from a bottom’s point of view (experience how things feel). Tops may also be doing it for practice – so focus is on technique, aim, etc.

Training can be another reason a Top plays non-sexually. He/She may be focusing the scene on training their s-type in certain positions and commands for service.

Getting out some physical (not sexual) energy through play. Just as bottoms can enjoy cathartic release and stress relief during play, a Top can enjoy the same benefits.

Sadists, by definition, enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation on another human being. Therefore, a sadist can absolutely play non-sexually, yet walk away with tremendous satisfaction.

Control is a huge element of BDSM, power exchange, and play. It is easily separated from any sexual element – if sexual play is a part of the scene. Either way control is a huge factor. Maintaining the lead in a scene, knowing the bottom will follow your commands, do what you want, etc. (within limits and consent of course) is a huge ego boost and psychological turn on.
It is easy to have a great time playing with someone we aren’t necessarily sexually attracted to. Maybe we are just friends. Perhaps there is a friendship energy that includes playfulness, fun, and trust. These are all wonderful things and more than enough reasons to play without sexual activities. Play does NOT have to be serious!

Are you a Top or D-type who enjoys non-sexual play? Tell me why you enjoy it in the comments below!

Oh, the things one sees at DomCon!!!!

May 30, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

For any of our regular readers, you know we recently attended DomCon in Los Angeles. This is the largest lifestyle and professional BDSM event in the Los Angeles area and it is highly anticipated by all! Kink Weekly was in the house talking about our magazine and also meeting some of our readers, which was extremely rewarding!

We had some fun stickers to hand out and I snapped a few pictures with some of my BDSM idols. I think I really managed to play it cool…kind of.

Swooning over Goddess Fae from San Diego.

Our friend Ken Marcus was on the scene snapping pics.

I was only able to make it to one class, Victorian Style Birching, as I was manning (womanning?) the Kink Weekly booth and boy was it a good one! I’ll talk about it later in this article. I also had a chance to walk around the vendor floor and check out some of the crazy inventions that people come up with. The sky is the limit and I’ll never stop being amazed by the devious and cunning minds of these kinky crafters. My partner Dexx was in his element as he fancies himself a kinky inventor of torture devices, some of which have been featured in past Kink Weekly shoots.

I wanted to share some of my finds with those who were not able to attend. Perhaps you’ve seen some of these items before? Or maybe you’re one of these inventors; to you I say well done, Sir or Madam!

A makeshift butt plug holder-Orchid and Serpent

This one was a bit tongue in cheek. Orchid and Serpent scored the mother of all butt plug holders (does anyone out there have enough butt plugs to even warrant a butt plug holder?) with this discarded child’s toy turned amazing use of up cycling! Yes, that is a Barbie Doll game. Yes, those are all butt plugs inserted into each hole of the Barbie Doll game. The story goes that one of the owners of Orchid and Serpent spotted this toy at a garage sale and as the kink minded are often known to do, a “pervertable” was found! Some may think it’s inappropriate (but we don’t hang out with those people) I call it genius!

Double Flogger-Ravynblood Leather

Master Gabriel, the mastermind behind this piece has finally outdone himself. You may know him as the maker of the Composition Book paddle and also having a penchant for making his submissives kneel on Legos. This double flogger provides double the impact. Just when you think the flogger strike is going to end, it is quickly followed by another one all in one motion. His household members at the booth were kind enough to give a demo. This toy is used with a rotating motion of the wrist that is actually quite easy to master. I was also impressed that the flogger falls did not tangle amongst themselves. It was one smooth double whammy!

Vajankle-Orpheus Black

While Orpheus is typically a seller of knives for edge play, I was delighted to see this item at his booth this year. You read correctly; it’s an ankle and a vagina so a vajankle! When I was told the name of this specific toy, I cried with laughter. However, someone is into this particular kink and that’s ok! The feet are sold as a set with the second one just being a fake foot, sans the vagina. I’m also happy to report that on the third and final day of DomCon, the vajankle had been purchased by a lucky attendee.

Bugs!-I did not get this vendor’s name! If anyone knows please let me know in the comments!

This booth was full of creepy crawlies, but luckily they were all diseased or I would have been out of there…or maybe burn the place down. Check out those spiders and bats! They were all encased in solid glass which would make for a great conversation piece. But now that I’m thinking about it, they would also be good for the sadist because if my Dom stuck one of those on my face I don’t think I would be pleased!

A double leather hood-Edgeplay Gear

Just in case you need a hood in side a hood, Edgeplay Gear has you covered (no pun intended). I think this hood is for those huge leather enthusiasts mixed with a bit of asphyxiation. You can over your sub’s head and then zip them up inside the dual masking feature. Tighten the collar for added terror! It reminds me a bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre with “Leather Face!

Big ass floggers-Tawan Leather

Check out the size of this bad boy! By Tawan Leather, hailing from Las Vegas.

Never in my life have I seen a flogger of this magnitude. Even the largest Fox Flogger I experienced in New Zealand could compare. It reminded me of a witch’s broom, except it packs a much bigger punch. Getting hit with this bad boy was akin to getting kicked in the butt, hard! I had to make sure I was stabilized enough to sustain the impact. Our booth was across from Tawan’s and we got to watch people getting walloped all weekend long! Hilarious!

I was pretty nervous but took it like a champ!

“The Mistress Molly 3 Loop Extreme” made by Caniac.com and Miss Molly

Apparently this is not for the faint of heart.

I’ve seen a lot of impact toys, but nothing quite like this. There was quite a bit of weight to this piece, making it super effective. Miss Molly from New Hampshire nicknames this one “her baby” as she spent significant time crafting the design and layout. She says, “It’s all hand made by a wonderful married couple from Massachusetts and comes with a lifetime warranty. I worked with Caniac to develop the “The Mistress Molly Red Line Extreme” toys, which as the name indicates are their most severe implements they make. Not for your beginner spanko!” You’ll receive no complaints from me! She was also accepting donations for Alhpa Dog Rescue and portions of her proceeds also go to that rescue group; anything that helps animals is aces in my book!

Scary repurposed metal stuff-Industrial Dis-ease

Despite their size, these packed a lot of weight behind them.

There must not be much to do in Wisconsin or else these guys are just really clever. They have a whole stock of stuff that looks like you could beat the shit out of someone (consensually of course), barely have to exact any effort, and leave wicked marks. All of their products are made from pipe, chain, and anything else metal. Their floggers were pieces of pipe with ball chains attached yet they still looked elegant and well crafted. These weren’t the dinky chains that come with necklaces-this was heavy duty, watch your ass kind of stuff. I was also presented with a demo of the light saber cane! It has interchangeable color tubes so you can be a Jedi one day or a member of the Imperial Force another. Definitely toys for the sadistic!

Spiked tray and wooden stocks-Torrid Timber

Chris of Torrid Timber has beautiful, handmade items ranging from paddles to spiked coasters. But by far the most impressive piece were his slave stocks. Need something to completely immobilize your slave? Stick them in some stocks with ankle cuffs and chains and they won’t go anywhere! This elegantly designed, modern piece has an easy to use locking mechanism that is cleverly out of reach from the subject wearing the stocks. He was also sporting a tray with a removable bottom to allow the subject carrying or holding it to feel tiny little spikes. It’s genius design offers minimal effort if say your submissive is a human table with the tray on their back. Just keep adding items on the tray to increase the level of discomfort. We can’t wait to see what he comes up with next!

Birch Rod-Birchen Boutique

As I mentioned I was only able to attend one class; Victorian Style Birching or as the instructor Daddy Johnny likes to point out, a class on sticks. But do not be deceived! This implement is one of the most punishing a bottom can ever experience! It’s basically a bundle of sticks, often treated in a saltwater brine tied or taped together. Then the Dominant takes them and wallops the submissive as many times as they can stomach. It is not for the faint of heart or light bottomed. Twigs fly everywhere and it often opens up the flesh in tiny (or not so tiny) micro cuts. A shower is recommended after to get all of the stick particles out of the cuts or you can elongate the subs punishment by holding off on the shower for a little while. Daddy Johnny delivered an extensive and fascinating history on birching followed by multiple live demos from himself and Sir Valentino. At the end of the class, you even got to make your own birch rod. Birchen Boutique also has the more historical version of the stocks, made with intricate and beautiful designs. One of the demo bottoms was also sporting the “shrew’s fiddle,” a parallel version of stocks. I give major accolades to the demo bottoms in this class, as it was not an easy one.

I’m sure there are many more crazy inventions where these came from. Kinksters are known to be creative and this only further proves this theory. What kind of things have you all seen? Any off the wall toys or equipment? We’d love to hear about it in the comments!