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Benefits To The Dominant

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A man approached me, asking for help convincing his wife to take him on as her submissive. As they  often do, he explained how she is very demanding naturally: Always wanting to be in control of the  household, always “mothering” him and always telling him what he can and can’t do, etc. He said she’d  be the “perfect dominant”.  

He explained that they had discussed his interest in submitting to her a few times – and that they had  even tried evenings and weekends, where he was her slave. They both enjoyed themselves during these  sessions, but their dynamic reverted immediately after the session was over and she never seemed to initiate it on her own, afterwards.  

He had tried to broach the subject, but she eluded (his word) his efforts. He tried “Stealth Submission”  (submitting to her without her knowing, in hopes that she would like the service and start to demand it),  but she never caught on that anything was happening.  

To convince her to let him serve her, he had created a rationale list: 20 reasons why accepting him as  her submissive would benefit her. Things on the list included: “Never having him disagree with her”,  “Never pestering her for sexual activity and leaving initiation to her alone”, “Getting all the housework  done to her satisfaction”, “Staying by her side at all times so that he’s always available”, “Staying in  chastity to assure all attention stays on her”, “worshiping her”, “waking her up to oral sex every  morning”, etc. 

Reading through the list, it was obvious that he had absolutely no idea what his wife really wanted from  him. I asked him if she had suggested ANY of the things on the list, to which he replied, “No…but it’s in  her nature”. I reasoned with him that, given his natural submissive tendency, if his wife wanted him to  be her slave in the manner he was presenting, after 10 years of marriage, didn’t he think he’d already be  on his knees? I mean, if she really wanted him in chastity, giving her oral sex every morning, wouldn’t he  already be doing it? He sat, a little at a loss for words. 

Then, he presented the next most frequent argument: That he would be love to give her all the things  she wants, if she would just take control of him. I asked, “So, what you’re saying is that the only way  your wife can get what she really wants from you, is to make it fun for you? You would not be interested  in actually serving her unless she first serves your fantasies?” That got a quiet stare. 

I explained that “benefits” are in the eye of the beneficiary. If she doesn’t see something as a benefit,  then it isn’t one. Period. I asked him if the things he was offering up as benefits were really things that  he honestly felt SHE would consider a benefit. He admitted that he didn’t really know for sure. 

The only way for a submissive to know what a given dominant feels are the true benefits of having them  as a submissive, is for her to communicate them to him. If she offers up that definition of submission,  then it behooves him to listen! If she doesn’t offer it up, then it’s up to him to ask. I tried to help him  with techniques to get her to formulate a definition of submission to her (the Egyptian Pharaoh Exercise,  for those of you who have read my writings).

He asked me what I felt the chances were that she would find doing things like “putting him in chastity  and making him do housework naked except a collar” would be submission for her. I told him that I  didn’t know her at all – and that he had a much better shot at answering that question than I did (and I  assume he already knows the answer, BTW). I suspected the answer would be “very low”, but I also said  that I wouldn’t rule anything out – and that it was possible. Then I pointed out that the upside of getting  her to define what submission means to her, is that, if in fact she DOES enjoy those things, he’s going to  end up doing them, anyway. I repointed him to the Task List Exercise, as a great way to help categorize  and structure ideas for submission. He agreed to try it out. 

What I find so interesting is how many people fall into the same trap of assumption and stereotype. I  believe they want their partner to want what the stereotype tells them is desirable, and are afraid to  explore their unique partner’s reality. They think it’s easier to get their partner to change than to change  themselves, which is a fallacy, since change is a function of motivation – and who has the strongest  motivation to make a D/s dynamic work? 

The infamous Rolling Stones lyric, “You can’t always get what you want…but you find sometimes, you  get what you need” is in full-force here. Long-lasting happiness comes from getting what you need, not  from getting exactly what you want. In the case of submission, long-lasting submission comes from  finding what you need through giving your dominant what they want. Find out what truly benefits your  unique dominant – and deliver that to the best of your ability! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

This week in kink: September 20, 2021

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Learn about a leather event put on by a Berlin church!

Click below to find out more from PinkNews!

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2021/09/13/berlin-church-leather/

Learn about a Pro Domme’s experience with financial domination and humiliation from the District Chronicles!

Click below to learn more!

I’m a financial dominatrix – men get aroused from losing control of their finances and I get to make more than $100K

Discover the best Craig’s List dating and hook up alternatives from HeraldNet!

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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

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Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Bastinado or Caning The Soles of The Feet

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bas·ti·na·do  

/ˌbastəˈnādō,ˌbastəˈnädō/  

HISTORICAL  

noun  

a form of punishment or torture that involves caning the soles of someone’s feet. 

verb  

punish or torture (someone) by caning the soles of the feet.  

“the prisoners were bastinadoed frequently in his presence”  

The German term is Bastonade, deriving from the Italian noun bastonata (stroke with the use of a stick).  In former times it was also referred to as Sohlenstreich (corr. striking the soles). The Chinese term is dǎ  jiǎoxīn (打脚心 / 打腳心).  

The point is that Bastinado has been practices as a form of punishment for a very long time. In kink, on the other hand, as separate from a hard caning by a Dominant for the reason of punishment, Bastinado  can be thought of as a day for the feet to go to the spa. A good place to start with the feet are the  acupressure charts that illustrate the way the sole of foot relates to the rest of the body’s organs. Keep in mind as you work on feet that there is a variance between left and right foot and there is also a  variance between people. With that in mind, viewing more than one chart is a good idea so that you are familiar with the variances.  

Another idea is to familiarize yourself with foot anatomy. Not necessarily to the degree that you can talk  anatomy with an expert, but to be aware of the bones of the foot and how thick or thin they are and  also so that you understand at least in a limited way, what the musculature of the foot looks like.  

So how does one approach a Bastinado scene with one’s submissive/bottom to have them drooling with pleasure?  

First create the ambiance. Dark room, soft instrumental music, a comfortable table, and a range of tools.  

It’s nice to begin with your new knowledge of foot anatomy, a foot massage with a light oil that they are  not allergic to is a great way to begin. Another way to warm the foot up is to do a wax scene with the  feet, but that is not necessary, only nice.  

The thing to keep in mind is that compared to the muscle mass in the arm, the muscle mass in the foot is  minute. The bones are little and it’s important to mitigate against the possibility of causing serious  injury. This is not a torture or even meant to be a punishment. Bastinado is a way to “pay back” the  submissive with a day at the foot spa. It’s good advice to do a butt spanking first to warm up the “root  chakra” before going on to the feet. When you do transition to the feet, make sure to use a thick thuddy  short cane at first to warm up to foot evenly.  

It’s a very good idea for Bastinado to use a shortened cane, which is much easier to control. Work the strokes up and down the foot to warm the sole of the foot evenly.  

Caning the foot is not the sort of stroke you use to mark a bottom. It’s a foreshortened swing with a  shortened cane, the stroke should be no more than an inch or two at most to begin with. To manage  this, it’s best to use a short cane (shorty) with very small partial strokes at first. One way to test how hard you can strike the foot is for the Dominant to first use the cane on his or her own foot first to see  both where and how hard to strike the foot in a manner that enhances the experience. It’s also not a  bad idea to compare what you are feeling to the reflexology charts as you do so. Then have the bottom  do the same and let them tell you how hard to hit. Do this with a shorty. A short cane generates less  force than a longer cane, especially with partial strokes. Even so, remember that your foot is not the  bottom’s foot. My feet are thick and meaty, my bottom’s feet are thin and boney, so I have to think  about her foot with the reality of the difference between her foot and mine, in mind. Every foot is different.  

As with all kinks, especially as you get started with Bastinado, it’s a very good idea for the bottom to  turn the volume up on their thoughts. The top cannot guess what the bottom is feeling and there needs  to be a very useful way to share the experience out loud. One way is for the bottom to share from the  out of 1-10 scale as in: “1, 2 or 3” is light and easily tolerated, “4, 5 and 6” is just right and “7” is too  much and “8, 9 and 10” are all out of bounds. The top should listen to the number the bottom is sharing  so that they can match the intensity of the stroke to the tolerance.  

It’s good to work on one foot at a time so that you as the top can approach each foot from a similar side.  I prefer to stand on the outside of the leg so that my stroke falls (ideally) in the arch and along the pads  of the foot with great toe pad getting the most attention.  

If you are someone who has trouble targeting the strokes accurately, you might try putting a short cane  between the toes to act as a guide and that way you can get full coverage of the foot as you move the target toward the heel. Just remember that tapping the cane, bouncing the cane on the foot with a light  grip as is the bounce back stroke. At most a 2” swing to a 10” swing with no full force swings of the cane  are necessary for a good session. Remember, it’s a day at the foot spa for the bottom.  

Think of Bastinado as a way to pay the bottom back for all the time, effort and energy that they have given you as the Top.  

You can also use a tuning fork or a waxing or a massage and all of the above to make this an amazing  Bastinado experience. Start light, have fun, go slow and enjoy this fetish.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements

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 I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that  cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know  the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others. 

Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used  those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he  didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so. 

I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with  people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to  be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there  are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both  physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their  needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular  sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more  appropriate and limits have less practical value. 

For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a  practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other  words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really  has little to do with dominance / submission. 

Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for  infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to  tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding. 

What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling  relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open  communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power  dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement. 

Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these  enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive  they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they  can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s  going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic. 

In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance  for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for  accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way  to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully  hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge. 

For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship  requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to  understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s  desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying  requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to  hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over  time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see  it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold,  the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy. 

To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and  observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to  anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for  the good of the relationship. 

You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to  come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship  requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Don’t Be A Doormat No Matter How You Identify In The Scene

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Regardless of our role, we need to stand on a set of self-defined principles. Sure, the Lifestyle, in general, has core tenets which many of us try to follow. Not what I am talking about. I am referring to your personal ethic. A set of internal rules you have decided to live by. If you have them.

It becomes very difficult to find North if we do not have a compass. Those self-defined principles become that compass. They inform how we act with others, how we treat ourselves, and most importantly let us feel confident when it is time to be our own champion.

One of the easiest ways to get ourselves into trouble in kink is to say yes too easily. I’ve certainly fell into that trap and still do occasionally. We want to please others. We want to be wanted. When someone else asks us to participate they are signaling to us they see value in us. It is very hard to turn that down at times. Being principled allows us the freedom to say no on our own terms.

There are volumes of people in kink who seem rudderless. Why is this? Is it simply that they are lost in a see of information? Or could part of it be they do not understand the importance of self-defined principles? How many people have you met or talked to in the last month, let alone the last year, who couldn’t get the piss out of the boot if there were instructions on the heel?

I am not casting aspersions or making fun. Merely recognizing that in our chosen lifestyle and in kink we must be very self-aware and willing to be our own defender. No one is going to care as much about our own wellbeing as ourselves. If that is not true, I would respectfully suggest you are not ready for this life because if you cannot be your own shield, there are those our there who will eat you alive.

See Your Own Value

We are not going to stand on our own principles, defending our own being, if we do not see value in ourselves. If we are desperate to be validated by others, then we are not taking our own worth into account. Each of us has our own value, seeing that in ourselves is the place to start when defining what is important to us. 

Find Your Voice

Knowing our worth and having principles is not enough if we are not able to be vocal in our own defense. I am not talking about fending off the odd insult, or telling someone off who pissed us off. This is about the times when we know we really want to say yes, but should say no. When someone overlooks our contribution in a dynamic. Or when we want to be part of a group or activity for our own good but are scared to speak up.

We have to get over the hump of sitting in the shadows and ignoring our own needs. Voicing what we expect, what is needed, and yes what is wrong. If you are not used to being vocal it will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. People will be less likely to gloss over your voice because they will be more accustomed to hearing you. 

Find it, keep it, and use it.

Define Your Own Purpose

Why am I here in this restaurant talking to this person? Why am I in this group or at this munch? Why did I come to this class? Why?

The why you are doing something becomes the motivation to be your own advocate. Otherwise, why be there? There is a goal you are trying to achieve be it additional knowledge, vetting a potential partner, making fiends in the community, or simply to get out of the house. There is a purpose, what is it? 

Whatever it is use it to spur you forward. We are more likely to use our voice and to be our own champion if we have a clear goal in mind.

Define Your Principles

What is personally important to you? Making sure you have time for your family? Your integrity? Staying STD free? 

There are a thousand questions I could ask you to help you dial it in. But really, you already know for the most part what your personal priorities are and what is important to you. These are what you need to hang your proverbial hat on. Make each into a statement which creates a line which you will not cross.

For example, one of my principles is that I will not lie to anyone, ever, not matter the circumstance. To some this may sound easy, but rest assured it is not. I have been tempted to save someone’s feelings from the truth, be easy on their ego, or even afraid of losing a friendship. 

Not matter what line you draw in the sand it will eventually be tested in away you do not expect. Do not box yourself in with a million principles. Just the ones that you know you need to be able to maintain respect for yourself.

Being Principled is Hard, but Important

People will call you closed minded at times. Refer to you as stuck up, stiff, and many more choice ways designed to ding your own positive self-view. It can be a lonely road some days to walk because we all just want to get along for the most part. 

If we go with the flow and let others define our path eventually we will wind up in a box canyon with no way out and the rains are coming. At that point we have let others set the stage for our self-destruction because we will have to decide whether or not to let go of those who have guided us there and save ourselves or remain and lose all self-respect.

Being principled helps us avoids those dire straits. They allow us to stand in the middle of the chaos others have authored and say no, enough, this is not for me. 

The Gold at the End of the Rainbow

Peace. It may be a harder road to travel but it is an infinitely more fulfilling one. 

Being able to wake each day confident in our purpose, our general direction, and knowing we have designed armor, those self-defined principles, keeping us on a path which is right for us sets us on a positive path.

People who are worth knowing will respect you for sticking to your guns. Seriously, who in your life do you respect who constantly flip flops regarding their personal worth and ethic? I would be willing to bet, no one. People who are principled, are easier to trust and respect because they are more consistent in how they view themselves and treat others.

At the End of the Day

Time passes faster than we would like to admit. Hell, I blinked and half a century flew by. Not all of it I am proud of. I wish I had been more principled at times. It would have saved me a ton of trouble. Regardless, I am here now, and hopefully learned better. 

When I finally learned to have a core personal ethic, consciously decided on, it made my life much simpler, if not always easier. It allowed me to be who I am without apology. Without having to explain myself or make excuses. 

Having that personal foundation gave me more self confidence and pushed me to seek those who are also very principled in their lives. As a result, I found the best life partner I never could have imagined. Very principled herself. A giant pain in my ass some days for sure. But a person I can love and respect without caveats. She calls me on my shit when I screw up and lets me know when I am doing well. We can be brutally honest with each other, and with others. There is a freedom in that.

Kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle are rough. The process of growth sucks beyond imagining some days. It’s near impossible to manage if we do not have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction.

To borrow another’s words, “But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated: D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).”

It is tough, but with that compass, it gets easier. Otherwise, we might as well be a doormat because everyone and their dog will walk over us.

Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur.  Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000  feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is  opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging  with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”  

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits  is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed  where one person gifts their power to another.  

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her  submission with her consent. It is a given.  

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go  through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.  

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100%  responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought,  statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We  also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing  wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that  there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the  discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we  had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we  established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we  would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.  

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that  was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized.  The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky  sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her  limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking  her past her limit.  

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared,  she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red”  which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember,  there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used  “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset  that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.  

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust. 

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.  

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in  another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.  

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we  wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and  turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all  in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I  liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state  of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.  

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my  sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that  is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my  own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.  

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have  also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used,  she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would  never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.  

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a  time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our  communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our  dynamic, she would do so.  

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols  for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to  protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or  her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is  out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is  not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong  direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.  

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak  as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat  about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has  not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.  

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me.  She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get  there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.  

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up  to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her  the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is  experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her  experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal  perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being  with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her,  she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician.  We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a  Kundalini Awakening”.  

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate,  highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we  created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.  

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/  

What Makes A Great Submissive?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

A couple of days ago, I participated in a forum discussion on FetLife regarding attributes that dominants  look for in their submissives. There was a lot of talk about appearance, obedience, strength, etc.  

As I often do, when I structured my answer, I did so in two parts: Attributes of a partner in a relationship  (any relationship) and additionally, the attributes of a submissive. After all, a D/s Relationship has both  the power dynamic and underlying relationship in play, simultaneously. 

In terms of relationship partners, I look for reliability, trustworthiness, good communication skills, a  good sense of humor (the ability to make me laugh), intelligence, empathy, and loyalty (is that so much  to ask? ). They also need to be respectful, honest, and caring. I look for these things from my spouse,  my friends, my family, and even from my business associates. Even acquaintances need to have these attributes, in some level, to last. 

Submissives are relationship partners, so they require all the above. In addition, there are some critical  attributes that I feel will help them to be top-notch submissives: First, they must want to be the best  submissive they can be. An inner need to strive to improve, and continually improve. They also must be  able to divorce themselves of any preconceived notion of what submission is, and adapt to deliver it the way I define it. They must internalize feedback quickly and continue to adapt their submission  accordingly. 

In terms of characteristics that make a great submissive, I’d have to say CONFIDENCE, HUMILITY, and  FLEXIBILITY: A great combination! 

They must be confident enough to trust that they can do things without assistance and confident  enough to take correction to heart and make changes. They must be confident in their desire to submit; in whatever way is required of them. Confident enough in themself to not be needy and to be able to  function independently without constant assurance, attention, and monitoring. 

As far as humility, they must be humble enough to realize that their submission is not all about themself and yet, to accept praise without getting cocky or know-it-all. They must be humble enough to consider  themself a student, continually striving to learn and improve. 

Lastly, they must remain flexible to adapt. Good submissives are good listeners and act on what they  learn. They don’t get stuck in “the way they’ve always done it” and, in fact, are usually looking for better  ways to achieve the tasks assigned to them. They need to seek to understand and internalize my  preferences and expectations and allow themselves the freedom to adjust to fulfill them. They believe  they can always do better and seek out constructive recommendations for improvement. 

There’s great value in a good submissive. They make your life easier; simpler. A good submissive is easy;  you just find yourself being able to use them and rely on them. Good ones are a pleasure to have around  and generate positive energy.

If you find yourself having to work harder to maintain a submissive or find yourself having to play games  in order to get them to do what they committed to do when they submitted to you, they are likely  missing some of the characteristics I’ve listed above. Figure out what those are quickly – and inform the  submissive to make the changes needed. If they don’t, or aren’t willing to – then “cut bait” as quickly as  possible and get out. It will only be a matter of time before the frustration wears you down. 

If, however, you find yourself a great submissive – they’re worth their weight in gold! Use them, mold  them, and custom fit them to you. They will appreciate it and your life will be lifted by having them around! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Predators Can Have Great References

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Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.

New prey. That would be you.

No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”

No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.

They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.

Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.

You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.

“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.

Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.