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The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements
I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others.
Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so.
I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more appropriate and limits have less practical value.
For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really has little to do with dominance / submission.
Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding.
What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement.
Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic.
In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge.
For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold, the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy.
To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for the good of the relationship.
You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them.
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
Don’t Be A Doormat No Matter How You Identify In The Scene
Regardless of our role, we need to stand on a set of self-defined principles. Sure, the Lifestyle, in general, has core tenets which many of us try to follow. Not what I am talking about. I am referring to your personal ethic. A set of internal rules you have decided to live by. If you have them.
It becomes very difficult to find North if we do not have a compass. Those self-defined principles become that compass. They inform how we act with others, how we treat ourselves, and most importantly let us feel confident when it is time to be our own champion.
One of the easiest ways to get ourselves into trouble in kink is to say yes too easily. I’ve certainly fell into that trap and still do occasionally. We want to please others. We want to be wanted. When someone else asks us to participate they are signaling to us they see value in us. It is very hard to turn that down at times. Being principled allows us the freedom to say no on our own terms.
There are volumes of people in kink who seem rudderless. Why is this? Is it simply that they are lost in a see of information? Or could part of it be they do not understand the importance of self-defined principles? How many people have you met or talked to in the last month, let alone the last year, who couldn’t get the piss out of the boot if there were instructions on the heel?
I am not casting aspersions or making fun. Merely recognizing that in our chosen lifestyle and in kink we must be very self-aware and willing to be our own defender. No one is going to care as much about our own wellbeing as ourselves. If that is not true, I would respectfully suggest you are not ready for this life because if you cannot be your own shield, there are those our there who will eat you alive.
See Your Own Value
We are not going to stand on our own principles, defending our own being, if we do not see value in ourselves. If we are desperate to be validated by others, then we are not taking our own worth into account. Each of us has our own value, seeing that in ourselves is the place to start when defining what is important to us.
Find Your Voice
Knowing our worth and having principles is not enough if we are not able to be vocal in our own defense. I am not talking about fending off the odd insult, or telling someone off who pissed us off. This is about the times when we know we really want to say yes, but should say no. When someone overlooks our contribution in a dynamic. Or when we want to be part of a group or activity for our own good but are scared to speak up.
We have to get over the hump of sitting in the shadows and ignoring our own needs. Voicing what we expect, what is needed, and yes what is wrong. If you are not used to being vocal it will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. People will be less likely to gloss over your voice because they will be more accustomed to hearing you.
Find it, keep it, and use it.
Define Your Own Purpose
Why am I here in this restaurant talking to this person? Why am I in this group or at this munch? Why did I come to this class? Why?
The why you are doing something becomes the motivation to be your own advocate. Otherwise, why be there? There is a goal you are trying to achieve be it additional knowledge, vetting a potential partner, making fiends in the community, or simply to get out of the house. There is a purpose, what is it?
Whatever it is use it to spur you forward. We are more likely to use our voice and to be our own champion if we have a clear goal in mind.
Define Your Principles
What is personally important to you? Making sure you have time for your family? Your integrity? Staying STD free?
There are a thousand questions I could ask you to help you dial it in. But really, you already know for the most part what your personal priorities are and what is important to you. These are what you need to hang your proverbial hat on. Make each into a statement which creates a line which you will not cross.
For example, one of my principles is that I will not lie to anyone, ever, not matter the circumstance. To some this may sound easy, but rest assured it is not. I have been tempted to save someone’s feelings from the truth, be easy on their ego, or even afraid of losing a friendship.
Not matter what line you draw in the sand it will eventually be tested in away you do not expect. Do not box yourself in with a million principles. Just the ones that you know you need to be able to maintain respect for yourself.
Being Principled is Hard, but Important
People will call you closed minded at times. Refer to you as stuck up, stiff, and many more choice ways designed to ding your own positive self-view. It can be a lonely road some days to walk because we all just want to get along for the most part.
If we go with the flow and let others define our path eventually we will wind up in a box canyon with no way out and the rains are coming. At that point we have let others set the stage for our self-destruction because we will have to decide whether or not to let go of those who have guided us there and save ourselves or remain and lose all self-respect.
Being principled helps us avoids those dire straits. They allow us to stand in the middle of the chaos others have authored and say no, enough, this is not for me.
The Gold at the End of the Rainbow
Peace. It may be a harder road to travel but it is an infinitely more fulfilling one.
Being able to wake each day confident in our purpose, our general direction, and knowing we have designed armor, those self-defined principles, keeping us on a path which is right for us sets us on a positive path.
People who are worth knowing will respect you for sticking to your guns. Seriously, who in your life do you respect who constantly flip flops regarding their personal worth and ethic? I would be willing to bet, no one. People who are principled, are easier to trust and respect because they are more consistent in how they view themselves and treat others.
At the End of the Day
Time passes faster than we would like to admit. Hell, I blinked and half a century flew by. Not all of it I am proud of. I wish I had been more principled at times. It would have saved me a ton of trouble. Regardless, I am here now, and hopefully learned better.
When I finally learned to have a core personal ethic, consciously decided on, it made my life much simpler, if not always easier. It allowed me to be who I am without apology. Without having to explain myself or make excuses.
Having that personal foundation gave me more self confidence and pushed me to seek those who are also very principled in their lives. As a result, I found the best life partner I never could have imagined. Very principled herself. A giant pain in my ass some days for sure. But a person I can love and respect without caveats. She calls me on my shit when I screw up and lets me know when I am doing well. We can be brutally honest with each other, and with others. There is a freedom in that.
Kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle are rough. The process of growth sucks beyond imagining some days. It’s near impossible to manage if we do not have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction.
To borrow another’s words, “But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated: D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).”
It is tough, but with that compass, it gets easier. Otherwise, we might as well be a doormat because everyone and their dog will walk over us.
Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange
Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur. Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000 feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”
Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed where one person gifts their power to another.
In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her submission with her consent. It is a given.
The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.
One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100% responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought, statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.
Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized. The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking her past her limit.
At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared, she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red” which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember, there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.
This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust.
I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.
Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.
We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.
I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.
One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used, she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.
The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our dynamic, she would do so.
Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.
One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.
I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me. She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.
I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her, she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician. We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a Kundalini Awakening”.
I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate, highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.
She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
What Makes A Great Submissive?
I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
A couple of days ago, I participated in a forum discussion on FetLife regarding attributes that dominants look for in their submissives. There was a lot of talk about appearance, obedience, strength, etc.
As I often do, when I structured my answer, I did so in two parts: Attributes of a partner in a relationship (any relationship) and additionally, the attributes of a submissive. After all, a D/s Relationship has both the power dynamic and underlying relationship in play, simultaneously.
In terms of relationship partners, I look for reliability, trustworthiness, good communication skills, a good sense of humor (the ability to make me laugh), intelligence, empathy, and loyalty (is that so much to ask? ). They also need to be respectful, honest, and caring. I look for these things from my spouse, my friends, my family, and even from my business associates. Even acquaintances need to have these attributes, in some level, to last.
Submissives are relationship partners, so they require all the above. In addition, there are some critical attributes that I feel will help them to be top-notch submissives: First, they must want to be the best submissive they can be. An inner need to strive to improve, and continually improve. They also must be able to divorce themselves of any preconceived notion of what submission is, and adapt to deliver it the way I define it. They must internalize feedback quickly and continue to adapt their submission accordingly.
In terms of characteristics that make a great submissive, I’d have to say CONFIDENCE, HUMILITY, and FLEXIBILITY: A great combination!
They must be confident enough to trust that they can do things without assistance and confident enough to take correction to heart and make changes. They must be confident in their desire to submit; in whatever way is required of them. Confident enough in themself to not be needy and to be able to function independently without constant assurance, attention, and monitoring.
As far as humility, they must be humble enough to realize that their submission is not all about themself and yet, to accept praise without getting cocky or know-it-all. They must be humble enough to consider themself a student, continually striving to learn and improve.
Lastly, they must remain flexible to adapt. Good submissives are good listeners and act on what they learn. They don’t get stuck in “the way they’ve always done it” and, in fact, are usually looking for better ways to achieve the tasks assigned to them. They need to seek to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations and allow themselves the freedom to adjust to fulfill them. They believe they can always do better and seek out constructive recommendations for improvement.
There’s great value in a good submissive. They make your life easier; simpler. A good submissive is easy; you just find yourself being able to use them and rely on them. Good ones are a pleasure to have around and generate positive energy.
If you find yourself having to work harder to maintain a submissive or find yourself having to play games in order to get them to do what they committed to do when they submitted to you, they are likely missing some of the characteristics I’ve listed above. Figure out what those are quickly – and inform the submissive to make the changes needed. If they don’t, or aren’t willing to – then “cut bait” as quickly as possible and get out. It will only be a matter of time before the frustration wears you down.
If, however, you find yourself a great submissive – they’re worth their weight in gold! Use them, mold them, and custom fit them to you. They will appreciate it and your life will be lifted by having them around!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
Predators Can Have Great References
Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.
New prey. That would be you.
No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”
No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.
They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.
Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.
You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.
“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.
Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
This week in kink: August 23, 2021
Learn about the real life Stepford wife that loves pleasing her husband!
Meet the Berkshire-based Pro Domme, Kaz!
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Survey says that 63% of kinksters have cheated in long term relationships. What are your thoughts about this statistic?
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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Video: Submissive Brats And How To Tame Them
Interested in Brat taming?
Then, check out this awesome video by Depraved Eros!
A Deep Dive Into Our Kink Relationship
We live in a 24/7 TPE. She belongs to me. She is my marked, collared and plugged submissive. She gets a daily maintenance spanking, she kneels for me when asked, and she has full agency.
We are closer than either of us could have imagined possible. I recently wrote this poem about her:
My Sexy Slut
She is my muse
My creation
A phenomenon
A truly sexualized creature
Her body Pulses
Vibrates
And quivers in ecstasy
Again and again
She is erotic
Exotic
My Cinnamon Girl
Connected to the earth
Her animal spirit
A mountain lion
Inside her
Brings me to
Heights unscaled
Where air is thin
Aroused
Excited
Growling my approval
We cum hard ‘together
Me
And my Sexy Slut
When we met 3 years ago, we were both coming off long term unsatisfying marriages. She was subjected to the whims of her domineering partner, and I suffered the scorn of a frigid wife. We both have kids and we both have a background in athletics and health care. So there was a lot we could talk about, and yet, we both brought a lot of baggage to the table.
I had made the choice after a 4-year journey into hard-core kink following my separation and divorce, to base my relationship on being an out-kinkster. I chose to seek a submissive partner to explore my sexuality with.
Now to be clear, I had spent those 4 years post-divorce playing in the kink pool, and what I came to discover was that intimacy was missing. I also postulated that being an out sexual kinkster, that with a deeply submissive woman I could create intimacy in this relationship where none had existed before for
me. I wanted to have a love relationship with a submissive masochist who herself wanted to live in a 24/7 TPE.
With that context I wrote a “seeking post” that did as much as it could to authentically describe both what I was seeking and who I was seeking, as well as to state clearly what I was seeking. It was an authentic writing.
During my time playing with different submissives over the previous few years, I was present to how many women were seeking domination. So, I was not surprised when many women responded to my seeking post almost immediately.
One stood out. My writing occurred to her as if it was written to her personally.
She and I talked for months before we met. We shared stories, fantasies, kinks, desires, goals, relationship intentions and so on then I tasked her to test her obedience and her access to masochism as a sexual experience. She passed the test and I was compelled to meet her in person. We met for a drink at a place midway between us.
The way she tells it, it was in that moment of meeting me when she took stock of me in person for the first time, that she chose to kneel for me. I occurred to her as the Dom she was seeking. Soon after our meeting, I left the country for a month and when I returned, she was out of town for a couple of weeks. So, we did not see each other again for around 8 weeks. We agreed to meet over lunch, and then we met a couple of times for dinner and then on the weekend, she came over, and we took a walk and shared a bottle of wine on the beach. She had done her research. She had lots of questions.
She wanted to experience a real dynamic. I was interested in her as a submissive and possibly a relationship partner long term. And the attraction was chemical. We both found each other attractive and desirable. We were talking about what was needed to begin a dynamic. I told her that she would need to put herself forward to be claimed, and we talked in detail about what it would take for her to choose me to submit to. I described the protocol that she would need to follow for the experience.
She came over one last time to spend an evening with me and she was excited to play but she had not yet been claimed, and because I had said so, I was not prepared to play with her until she was finally separated from her husband whom she was in the process of divorcing.
I share this history because it was those months of conversations that comprised the negotiations for our dynamic. We talked in detail about our limits, about the context of a D/s dynamic in a 24/7 relationship. What it would be like, the protocols I required, the specifics and so on. We established safe words and made an agreement to set the dynamic aside while we deal with what there was to deal with should the need arise. The more we talked the more she wanted to serve.
She was ready to be claimed.
This was not an insignificant moment for us. She arrived on time, and she undressed in the entrance hall, and crawled to the center of the living room where she took the Nadu pose as instructed. Her training had begun. The claiming was intended to be intense. She agreed to be marked inside and out as I fulfilled on claiming her as my personal slut, and in choosing to be her Master. She got marked with several cane strokes and I pissed down her throat and, in her ass, to mark her inside. She was now my marked slut, and we began the experience of learning how to play together.
For the next several weeks, she spent weekends with me and from Friday PM till late on Sunday PM she wore a play collar and we experienced hard-core kinky sex together. We experimented with a range of playing styles as we learned to interact sexually with each other. It was fun.
We debriefed after every scene, and I took what I learned about her into the next scene and so on. But at this early stage it was till experimentation us. She was experiencing her desire, being to be in a real dynamic and to offer her submission completely, and I was experiencing the joy of training my submissive to serve me.
About a month into our dynamic, things started moving fast on her end and she found herself faced with a crisis. Her ex-husband was starting to behave erratically, and she was being advised to move out for her safety. I offered her my place to stay, no strings attached.
She moved in under duress, but she was grateful for the safe space. I gave her the time and space she needed to allow her to relax into the dynamic. There was zero pressure.
She and I found that we liked spending time together. It was new for me to have a woman sleeping in my bed day after day, and we took walks holding hands and talked and talked and talked about things. We talked about sex, and food and kids and marriage and divorce and nature and being and religion and spirituality and health and fitness and dogs and sex some more. I was enrolling her in my world and specifically in my view of a 24/7 TPE along with other topics like abundance, love, relatedness, intimacy and connection. We got along famously, we enjoyed each other’s company, and the sex was amazing.
We talked and fucked and cooked and ate together and drank together, it became clear fairly quicky that with her in my life, my life was dramatically improved. We started to experience good feelings for each other. She was bold and said so first and I was confronted by my story of being unlovable, so I had to be with her feeling strongly about me while I figured out how to deal with my own experience. I had what I wanted and had been seeking right there in my living room telling me that she was falling in love with me. Talk about being confronted. (I like to define the word “confronted” as to “look at without flinching”.)
My search had been for intimacy and so that started an inquiry about what that meant for us. We continued to explore kink and each other and she pursued her cocktail sommelier credential. This led to us having a cocktail and an in-depth relationship conversation every day after we fucked. We had a play scene daily and had high protocol scenes on the weekend. It was a great time. Around the same time, I implemented a daily maintenance spanking regime to address her mood swings. She was much happier after impact play. This was a game changer on many levels. It gave us new access to her masochism and the sex got hotter (if that was possible) and we got closer.
In the meantime, her divorce got finalized and with her being complete, the last condition I had set for collaring her was satisfied, I offered her my collar. She accepted, and now as my collared slut we continued to explore intimacy in our relationship newly and if it’s possible to believe, the sex is hotter every time out than it ever was before.
We came to a place where we were both able to truly allow the other person in – to be vulnerable. The way I put it was that I would allow her to hold my heart in one hand and a sharp blade in the other, and I choose to give her the power to destroy my heart. That is vulnerability. She did the same. We got vulnerable with each other and that made all the difference. We got closer and the sex got hotter. Crazy.
Armed with a loving dynamic, our 24/7 TPE took off. Then covid happened and we were stuck at home in our new collared dynamic. And wow, did we love that. We spent 24 hours a day together living a 24/7 dynamic in reality. It was magical.
Her mixology skills improved and we found ourselves in a deep conversation about our relationship, our dynamic, and so on, which led us to starting the podcast because if you really think about it, our kink is communication. We worked on the coaching program, and we got involved in meeting and interviewing kinksters to discover more for ourselves. Out of that we made friends in the kink community, and we have deepened our relationship dramatically. We have also been having ever hotter sex, most recently described as a “open chakras and a flowing kundalini” by Mystic Chick.
We are getting close to a tantric experience. We have distilled our scenes down to the essence of pure pleasure. It’s remarkable. We are left breathless and high each time we fuck.
We love each other, our kink is wrapped into our sexuality, and we continue to explore.
Our exploration has a few rules
– There is nothing wrong
– We do not allow space between us
– We are each 100% responsible for the dynamic
– We relate as Dom/sub, Sadist/masochist, Daddy/little, Master/owned property
These “rules” create a context for the relationship that keeps us on an even keel. And we have incorporated protocols that keep us ticking along on all cylinders. We are 100% aligned. Its wonderful.
I wrote this poem recently:
She Completes Me
30 years
Scorned
Nullified
Made Nothing if
Demeaned
Diminished
Held in contempt
Sneered at
3 years
Loved
Cherished
Esteemed
Admired
Appreciated
Desired
Valued
Love is powerful
Life is in balance
She completes me
As you think about yourself and your life and your kink and your relationship dynamics and you are hoping to experience something similar to what we are experiencing, consider that communication is our kink, and we would not have gotten here if we were both unclear about what we were seeking in the first place.
Our entire coaching program is designed to get you here…on your own terms. Feel free to reach out to us on https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground where the Task a Day program will give you access to the experience.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
Adult Nursing Relationships
For as long as I can remember, I have had an oral fixation. Initially, it started with chewing. I bit or chewed everything. I always assumed it was a stress response. As I got older, it developed into a love of sucking. I often used my own wrist or lollipops if I was outside my home. As I became more comfortable with it, I moved to using teething necklaces and pacifiers.
I find sucking comforting. It quiets my mind and help calms me emotionally. So, in times of stress or highly charged emotions, I use my mouth. When I entered a relationship with my wife, I just didn’t bring it up. I continued as I had for most of my life, by self-soothing.
What you may not know about me is that I used to write fanfiction. I do, in fact, still read it to this day. Somewhere in one of the stories, I was introduced to Adult Nursing Relationships (ANRs).
So, what is it?
It has several different names that can be used interchangeably. However, I do think the way someone refers to an ANR, reflects their interest in it.
Traditionally, ANRs are typically seen as pertaining to heterosexual couples, since this most often occurs after childbirth. ANRs are not specific to any particular sexuality, gender, or relationship type (such as a Domestic Discipline, 1950’s, Caregiver/little, or D/s dynamic).
The relationship aspect to ANR simply means there is some kind of underlying connection between the individuals. It does not need to be a romantic or long-term relationship, although often times they are. ANRs do not need to be sexual either. The main attraction of breast feeding is often about bonding, close skin-to-skin contact, or the feelings of nurture from either suckling or being suckled.
So, let’s get into some definitions now that we know the background information.
Adult Nursing– It is simply a person who drinks the milk of another.
-Medically, drinking a woman’s milk was done to alleviate the pain of swollen breasts, whether from a lack of natural expression or just an overabundance of production.
Erotic Lactation– sexual arousal from drinking a woman’s breastmilk. Lactophilia and Milk Fetishism are also terms that refer to this kind of sexual excitement (though they are mostly used in the field of psychiatry and listed in the ICD-10 and the DSM-IV). Hucows (or Human Cows) also fall under erotic lactation but are more of a sexual fetish that involves animal play and milking.
ANRs can be romantic relationships, sexual relationships, emotional relationships, roleplay, or any combination thereof.
There is also a phenomenon called dry suckling. Dry suckling is the suckling (or gentle application of sucking and licking) without milk production.
This is the one I enjoy. My wife did not enjoy breastfeeding nor having her breasts swollen with milk. When she stopped producing, she swore to never do so again. While there are ways to induce milk production, we have chosen to not take those steps. I find it emotionally soothing.
Adult Nursing Relationships tend to develop one of two ways. The first is natural development (or curiosity) after childbirth, in which your partner is naturally producing breastmilk. The second is through arduous negotiation, upkeep, and effort.
The reason I call the second one arduous is because inducing lactation is not an easy process. It requires constant suckling and stimulation to upkeep, even after milk production occurs. That said, it is said to be extremely fulfilling.
It should also be noted that some women struggle with or are incapable of producing breastmilk. Some of the medical conditions can include hypoplasia of the breast, lactation insufficiency, insufficient milk syndrome, agalactia, agalactorrhea, hypogalactia or hypogalactorrhe.
Even if you have not been diagnosed with any of these conditions, I always recommend seeing your primary care doctor for advice on inducing milk production, maintaining the supply, or how to cope with any struggles you may be having.
If you were to google it, there are hundreds of homeopathic remedies that say they can initiate or increase your milk supply. Since I do not have a medical degree, I refuse to offer up advice on those types of remedies or the possibilities of failure or success by using them.
Lactation can be incorporated into a relationship beyond suckling. In a D/s or M/s dynamic, it can give the D-type more control over their s-type’s body.
- The ability of when or where the s-type can (or cannot) express their milk.
- Keeping an s-type bound to a schedule
- Breasts swollen with milk are more sensitive and can be incorporated with impact play for both pleasure and punishment (with care).
- Milk can be shared with guests at the D-type’s discretion (and with negotiated consent).
- If you push down on the breast (specifically at the point where the corner of the lips touch the skin) it breaks the suction. If done repeatedly, I consider it to be quite Sadistic.
*If it is the D-type who is lactating, the withholding of the ability to suckle can be used as a form of punishment or as a conduit to teach patience and self-control
Honestly, the possibilities are endless. The incorporation of certain types of play, such as needle play and/or piercings (play or permanent) should be assessed on a case-by-case basis to prevent too much trauma to the breast tissue, which could impact milk flow.
As mentioned earlier, ANRs can be enjoyed by any sexuality and gender. Biologically, men do not naturally produce breastmilk (except in a couple rare phenomenon in which the hormone prolactin becomes present in their body). However, there are ways that things can be adjusted to allow them to be the “producer.” The use of a nursing bra and a bottle of milk (or another liquid of choice) can mimic the natural process. Holding a partner and having them drink straight from a bottle can still give the same bonding experience while compensating for the inability to produce from the breast. Tubing can also be used to slow feed liquids. You can place the tubing near the nipple and have the individual suckle the nipple and the tubing at the same time. Please note that this needs to be done carefully and can be both messy and a choking hazard if done incorrectly.
Overall, Adult Nursing Relationships are what you make them. They can be sexual if that is what you wish. They can be about bonding and being emotionally connected to a partner. They can involve milk production or not (although the latter is considered a controversial idea).
For me, the most important part is the suckling. It brings me comfort and peace of mind. It soothes my frazzled nerves and calms me. I prefer to suckle at her breast, but I have learned to adjust to the wrist or inner elbow as needed (since her nipples tend to be the most erogenous part of her body). However you wish to look at it, ANRs are about connection. Whatever your connection looks like, as long as it is consensual, let your imagination be your guide.