D/s

Different Levels of Protocol

December 11, 2017 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

I’ve written before about protocol – but this article is to go into the subject a little further. I want to talk about different levels of protocol. Low (or everyday) protocol, medium protocol, and high protocol. Keep in mind that one person’s “medium” can be another person’s “high” or someone else’s “low”. Also, some D/s relationships may choose to maintain medium or high protocols and not allow low protocol with perhaps just a few exceptions. I will describe these categories with various examples to give you a general idea of what I’m talking about.

Low/everyday Protocol

This refers to the most casual form of protocols. These may include protocols that aren’t as obvious to the vanilla world. Or being in “low protocol” may simply mean you aren’t adhering to most of your protocols with a few exceptions, like coffee service for example.

Medium Protocol

For many people in D/s relationships this may be their everyday protocol or for some it may be the protocols that they adhere to whenever they are at a kink event.

High Protocol

Typically this level of protocol is followed when attending a high protocol kink event. It also may be used for specific periods of time (eg, high protocol weekend) or specific situations (eg, hosting a high protocol dinner).

So what would this perhaps look like in reality? I’m going to use one type of protocol as an example and explain how it would be done in low vs medium vs high.

Let’s start with a fun one – bathroom protocol! Lol If this is a protocol that’s followed then the low/everyday version may be that the s-type must let the D-type know that they are using the restroom. The medium version is the one many people are more familiar with. This would be where the s-type must ask permission to use the restroom.

Wondering what the heck high protocol would look like? Some people think it may be that the s-type isn’t allowed to go to the restroom. Not quite. Typically it may look like the s-type isn’t using the restroom, when in reality they are simply having to wait for permission to use the restroom – they may not ask. This, of course, means that the D-type needs to pay close attention!

Another example would be protocol about where the s-type locates themselves around the D-type. In low protocol the s-type may be required to stand or sit to the left of their D-type. In medium protocol perhaps they must stand or sit to their left in a specific position. In high protocol perhaps there is an added protocol that the s-type always sits on the floor at the D-types’ feet whether the D-type is standing or sitting.

These are just a couple of simple examples – something to give you an idea of how protocols can be used in different ways. As I mentioned before – these are general examples, one person may treat the medium bathroom protocol as their high protocol, etc.

You can also use different collars to represent the level of protocol you’re in. For example – when in low protocol perhaps the s-type wears an everyday, or casual, collar. In medium protocol situations there may be a more traditional or fetish collar used. In high protocol the s-type may wear a fetish collar or perhaps a posture collar is used. These various collars still represent the same relationship dynamic.

Added note – in some circumstances protocols of any kind are more difficult. Vanilla settings, family functions, etc. Some people may decide to temporarily remove protocols or come up with “vanilla protocols” that represent the protocols they have in place but that are very discreet or aren’t noticeable. For example, they have a protocol in place where the s-type must ask permission to start eating. This may be viewed unfavorably by a more mainstream crowd. So, instead, they decide that the s-types way of “asking permission” is to comment about how good the meal looks/smells, etc. Then the D-types way of “giving permission” is by agreeing that the food look/smells delicious. Nobody is the wiser but the D/s couple has stuck to their protocol, under the radar.

I hope this gives a bit more insight as to how protocols can be used in different ways.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

The Power of Punishment

October 16, 2017 By slave_bunny 6 Comments

How many of us have continually blamed ourselves for things we have done in the past? How many of us have had a partner remind us of our mistakes in a sarcastic or passive aggressive manner?

I feel the answer would be “yes” for most of us.

It’s human to have emotions that make us wants to hold onto things. It’s normal to make a mistake, blame others, and feel bad for what you have done or what has been done to you. However, it’s not healthy to hold onto the bad forever. We need to forgive ourselves, and we need our partners to forgive us as well (or the relationship is doomed to fail).

I have found the best way to do this is through receiving a punishment.

In our home, punishments aren’t given to make me feel worse. They are given so I can learn from my mistakes, so I can feel I have paid the price for what I have done, and so both my Master and I can move on from the incident knowing that it has been properly dealt with.

After the punishment is over, we hold no grudges towards each other. We even have a rule that the incident is not to be brought up again once the punishment has been completed. We always have a discussion about the infraction, and my Master will put in new rules and protocols, if necessary, to help reduce the chances of the incident re-occurring in the future.

With any punishment, the D type must figure out the why the misdeed occurred, and, if necessary, come up with ways to reduce the chances of it occurring in the future. That’s the only way a punishment can be truly effective. If a s type doesn’t know why they are being punished or the true magnitude of their mistake, the misdeed could keep occurring over and over. And who wants to deal with that?

D types should always assess whether their s type is actively defying them or if there is something else going on. A genuinely devoted s type will not actively disobey, unless that is something the D type wants to see in the dynamic. Some D types are into brattiness and youthful defiance, but I am not talking about that here.

Consistency is also key in making punishments effective. No matter how tired you are, D types always need to rise to the occasion and punish their s types if necessary. Inconsistency will create confusion in the dynamic, making the s type feel uncared for and/or even cause the s type to think they can get away with breaking rules. I actually feel upset if I forget to do something and I am not at least spanked by my Master for the infraction. I need that closure.

One of the most important things with regards to discipline is that the punishment should also always fit the offense. Many factors should be taken into account when giving a punishment, such as: frequency, the offense itself, the circumstances surrounding the incident, the s type’s state, the d types state etc.

My Master usually spanks me for minor infractions, and will use other means of punishment if the offense is more serious, or has occurred before. In the past, I have been given writing assignments, chores, and have had things withheld such as my work out classes or orgasms. All of these were very fitting to the specific offense, and my Master gave each of them a lot of thought before giving them to me.

A punishment should not be enjoyable for the s type, but should also never cross a hard limit. I would suggest, if you are going to use something physical like spanking as a punishment, to have a specific item you only use for disciplinary action. This toy/tool should be something the s type doesn’t like, but does not cross any hard limits either. For me, my Master’s implement of choice is a ruler, which I have grown to dread the sight of.

I also feel it is very important to thank your D type for taking the time to punish you. Punishing a s type means that that D type cares about the growth of the relationship and of the s type. Punishing is often very difficult for D types, so saying thank you can go a long way. In our home, we have a rule that I must thank my Master after any punishment. This helps me to show my gratitude for his commitment to my growth and the overall health of the relationship.

D types should never punish out of anger either. To ensure this never happens, in our home, Master does not have to punish me right away. He has 24 hours to give me my punishment. He will also let me know when he wants to talk about the incident. It’s always a good idea to have something like this in place to avoid not knowing what to do or what to expect when a rule is broken. It also allows the D type to punish when he or she is emotionally able to.

We are all human, and in any relationship people will anger or frustrate the other- no matter how much you love each other, how devoted you are, or how many rules you have. Because of this, it’s always wise to have some kind of protocol in place if an s type were to break contract. Some D types, may not want to punish, and that’s totally okay. But something should be put in place, whether it be a warning, punishment, correction, discipline, or exit clause if all and/or certain rules are broken.

Our punishment and reward system works very well for us because it allows us to move on from any misdeed very quickly. It puts an end to the incident in a physical way, which helps to alleviate any mental tension. It provides closure, acceptance and self-growth. It brings us closer as a couple. It also gives Master and me the space to talk about the incident, and to get ahead of any issues that might be forming.

Even though I never want to disappoint my Master, when I do, I am very grateful that he takes the time to punish me, so we can both gain closure and move on from any negative incident that occurs. I hope this article gives others ideas on how to accomplish these wonderful things too.

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

The New 24/7 Slave

July 17, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

In a previous kinkweekly.com article, The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s, I had opined on so-called 24/7 D/s relationships. I would like to expand on that article and offer a 24/7 plan that can work in our fast-paced and demanding society.

There are a lot of differing opinions when defining the phrase “24/7” as it applies to slaves and submissives. Technically, the precise definition of “24/7 slave” would have to mean exactly that — serving twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Nonstop. This works fine in the cyber world of idealized relationships. But in the real world, there are life considerations that usually make this impossible.

Taken literally, one could never be a 24/7 slave or sub unless one were totally detached from our basically vanilla world. Thus, the world of 24/7 Dom/me/sub relationships would be left to the unemployed, the independently wealthy, those without kids and/or those without any obligations outside of the slave serving Master or Mistress. This would eliminate all but a few of us. Thus, what we need is a realistic definition that everyone here can live with. A definition that works practically — but one that doesn’t water down the intent of the phrase “24/7 slave.” This can be especially useful for the “New Guard,” who seem to have interests in many other areas besides BDSM.

I think the key to defining a “new 24/7” lies not exclusively in the physical realm. You do not have to literally be at the Master’s or Mistress’s feet all the time. It is really the depth of dedication, not the weekly duration of service. (Of course there are purists who will disagree with me. But what is a debate without opposing views?) The key is to examine the emotional foundation of the Master/slave relationship.

What makes a slave a slave? Surely, slavery is illegal; “slave contracts,” appealing as they are, cannot be legally enforced. Master/slave is, and must be, a consensual agreement. But, it has to be more than just a “consensual agreement” if it is to have any meaning other than a semantic one. It must be more than just BDSM play and service to a Dominant figure. Since “slavery” is consensual, how exactly do we measure it? The key to “slavery” being more than just another form of dating lies in the fact that, at some point, the slave becomes bonded to her/his Master/Mistress in an incredibly deep way. At this point, the slave cannot leave the Master/Mistress without incredible amounts of mental agony; he/she is welded to the Master/Mistress; he/she needs the Master/Mistress to complete his/her existence. Once this point of mental enslavement and dedication is reached, it is, by definition, 24/7. The slave is owned without regard to the time of day or what he/she is doing. The Master or Mistress owns the slave all the time, whether he/she is working at a job, at the DMV or on safari in Africa.

Thus, we can define 24/7 Master/slave as a mental state rather than a physical one. Using this definition, the slave is owned, emotionally and mentally, twenty four hours, seven days a week. Even when apart, the slave’s world revolves around the Master/Mistress — whether the slave is physically with the Owner or not. Once in this TPE “slavespace,” the actual number of hours and days served per week is irrelevant. The slave can be at a job, applying for a loan, or even be at a PTA meeting. As long as the slave is mentally connected to his/her Owner 24/7, then we can effectively say he/she is a “24/7 slave.”

This is one compelling reason for the collar. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master or Mistress – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar also has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Owner’s touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to many of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. Besides the collar, technology, such as cellphones, can connect the slave to the Master or Mistress at all times no matter how far apart they might be. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!”)

But does eliminating the physical 24/7 requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master. So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article offers yet another approach. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s or Mistress’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if you are on safari!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

You Can’t Have Everything!

June 26, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

With L.A.’s Bondage Ball ahead of us, and Kinkweekly’s Launch Party behind us, I thought it would be a good time to see how new BDSM players transition from play to D/s relationship – if that is what they want (and many do).

More often than not, upon first play, it seems that all is fine. But when it comes time to get to the next step, I was asked the following question — “My new partner and I have played lightly at a dungeon party. She is hot, and she really turns me on, but is only into light pain. I am a male Dominant, and the thought of flogging and marking her excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?” (As the question was asked by a male Dom, I will address it in male Dom/female sub terms.)

My answer: Before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. If you cannot get to this level, all other concerns are immaterial. (And I don’t mean presenting your sub with some phony-baloney Fifty Shades-style “slave contract.”)

The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your off-dungeon life with your prospective submissive. For example, choose a restaurant and order for her. Start to be more Dominant when you meet outside the play room and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin.

Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “snookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.

I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your new sub how to great you when possible. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, in a less “Old Guard” greeting, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship.

Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the playroom. You might not have a Master/slave arrangement at this point; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange to have a fun time both in and out of the bedroom. But, if you want to expand into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders. (This is my opinion and my opinion only.)

While you are having sex, make sure to spank your sub in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some serious spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a bit of a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to let you push her limits.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. Because, if all attempts fail, at the very least you now have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything…where would you put it?”

“Coca-Cola Dominance”

May 1, 2017 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

Definition: “Coca-Cola Dominance.” In a D/s relationship, when a Dominant asks only for behavior that the submissive would do anyway.

I had touched on the “Coca-Cola Dominance” question in a previous kinkweekly.com article, “Does being in love diminish a Dom/me’s power?” In theory, love does make the Dom/me less likely to release the sub and thus diminishes the Master/Mistress’s greatest threat. Thus, less power. But a monarch does not have to rule by intimidation. And the power drain of saying “I love you” can be made up in other ways — the sub’s love for her Dom/me might make her/ him a better slave. Surely, a “Coca-Cola” Dom/me and submissive might have a relationship with 100% obedience – then again I get 100% compliance at any McDonalds. Dominance and submission, in my opinion, should have some degree of difficulty or it is not D/s.

Anyone can be a slave if Master only asks things that the slave could do easily — like drinking Coke and not Pepsi. In the world of BDSM relationships, even when things are going swimmingly, a Master/Mistress must ask for things that stretch the sub’s “expectation range.” The Master/Mistress must ask for things outside this range if only to reinforce Dominance. A personal example: my newly collared slave wanted to order clam chowder at a restaurant. I simply said “No.” For no other reason than to say “No.” I really could care less if she had clam chowder. But she wanted it and I thought it was a good place to show her that she eats what I want her to eat. She made no mention of it; she just ate her salad. She accepted it with not a second thought. She respected our contract, which included ordering food, and behaved accordingly. She passed my test, albeit an easy one.

Clam chowder aside, a Dom/me may need to periodically, and deliberately, require a slave to do things they don’t like. Call it pushing soft limits or a test, the purpose in doing so is to remind the slave that he/she must submit to her Dom/me, even when it’s difficult to do so. Neither Dominance nor submission should be taken for granted. Besides, pushing limits is fun – and let’s not forget we are all in this for fun!

All of this dovetails into the broader – and very important — question of how to keep a long term Master/slave relationship alive. It’s not good for Master/Mistress or slave to allow D/s to lapse or get lazy – most notably by allowing “Coca-Cola D/s” to become the day-to-day hierarchy. Dominance and submission is very difficult to maintain if it isn’t actively practiced.

I think to be able to serve or be served without fear for the relationship should be the aim of any long-term D/s relationship. That’s not so easy to achieve. And going “Coca-Cola” doesn’t seem to me to be a viable solution. It might work for a scene at a play party or a short term relationship, but – even in a vanilla relationship – there must be demands placed on both parties. In our ever evolving lifestyle (which we will be discussing at DomConLA’s “Old Guard vs. New Guard” panel presentation May 20th) there are still some bedrock principles that should be respected. First among them is that “Coca-Cola Dominance” is not dominance “Coca-Cola submission” is not submission!

Spirituality of D/s

January 16, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

And now for something completely different!

With the beginning of the New Year, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on what I believe to be the spirituality of D/s.

One of the aims of the spiritual realm is to put the mind and spirit at peace. Meditation is one way to banish those disturbances and emotional ripples that are so jarring in our daily lives. Studies have linked lower frequency alpha waves, as well as theta waves, to meditation. Regardless of the technical aspects of meditative brain science, which is far beyond the scope of this article, there is something inherently tranquil and spiritual in a good Dom/sub relationship. This, besides the play aspects, might account for much of its appeal. For the newer members of our lifestyle, you can see there is more to D/s than just whips and chains!

Within a strong D/s relationship, there should be less of the day-to-day power struggles that typify vanilla relationships; ideally the sexual power struggles that are the bane of many vanillas are often eliminated. For example, the typical vanilla male complaint that his wife won’t give him head is, by definition, impossible in a D/s relationship. “Not tonight, I have a headache” as an excuse is really not acceptable in any serious D/s relationship. The Dom/me knows that after a hard day’s work, he/she does not have to worry that his/her partner will not try to sexually satisfy him/her when they go into the bedroom. The absence of this typical vanilla sexual power struggle is a very comforting aspect to a D/s relationship.

(I might add, it might seem I am dissing vanillas. Not at all. I can only observe what I observe. As I wrote in a comment to a kinkweekly.com article, “When I see TV ratings go through the roof with the ‘Mistress Heather’ series of the original CSI shows, how many vanillas are going to see Fifty Shades (a billion dollar gross cannot be generated by only BDSM lifestylers) and cable TV’s near obsession with femme Domme-based shows, I can only conclude that alternative activities — for the most part — are titillating to the vanilla masses. There is no other conclusion I can draw. Clearly, this does not mean EVERY vanilla longs for D/s or BDSM. But a huge number do from what I see.” And many of these people long for liberation from some of the mental strain of the vanilla world. D/s can offer this freedom.)

In a solid D/s relationship, the submissive, with total trust in the Dominant, has so much less to worry about than his/her vanilla counterpart. Letting another person make many decisions can be like lifting a thousand-pound weight from the sub’s shoulders. Conversely, the Dom/me — knowing the submissive is there to serve, satisfy and pleasure him/her in all ways — is very comforted by this knowledge.

Silly, unproductive arguments usually (but not always) go out the window in a good D/s relationship. For example, I cannot picture a Master and his slave arguing over his/her late working hours. The slave trusts that if Master says he is working late, then he is actually working and not out at a topless bar with the guys! (And if he were, he could tell his submissive.) This bond of trust frees them to raise their relationship to a higher spiritual level.

I think of a solid D/s union as being the spiritual equivalent of a Star Wars quote, “Your focus determines your reality.” (Surely there is more wisdom in Star Wars than in Fifty Shades!) The Master/Mistress and the slave, ideally, are selfless and see beyond themselves; their reality is what they make it. And in this transcendent bond, they can find peace of mind.

Clearly D/s is not the solution to every couple’s day-to-day issues. But it can be a step or two towards getting rid of some of the psychic clutter that surrounds all of us. And every little bit helps!

High Protocol: Part Two

December 5, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Before you read this article, I suggest (or, in a more Domly way, insist) that you read last week’s kinkweekly.com prequel, “High Protocol, Part One.” To quickly recap. High protocol Master/slave relationships are not for everyone; they are, in fact, quite rare. And, in my opinion, they are not, in and of themselves, any higher on the BDSM food chain than any other style BDSM union; you don’t get BDSM “props” for being a high-protocol Dom or sub. High protocol is not a goal; you don’t progress from low to high protocol. It is not like going from junior to senior in high school; high protocol is simply another type of D/s relationship.

For most couples, high protocol works best for short periods of time, as in a scene or even for weekends; taking it 24/7 is usually far too energy-draining to be a way of life in our world of jobs, stress and kids. High protocol, 24/7 style, is only for those who truly crave and need it – for both the Dom and the sub alike. (It will likely fail if one is really into it and one is not.)

That said, we will attempt to list the classic (and even mythical!) high D/s protocols. Thus, you can pick and choose those protocols you like – even if you are in a low protocol relationship. As the saying goes, “Different BDSM strokes for different folks.” (Funny how the word “strokes” works so well in this paraphrased axiom.) So, without further adieu, here is the list.

IN PRIVATE

1. You must always address Master as Master, Sir or some other designated title, and do so in every sentence.
2. Upon returning from work, slave must kneel and greet Master in ritual designated by Master. If Master is out and returns home, slave still performs the greeting ritual.
3. Slave must be aware of the position training and will be expected to perform them at any time. (Note: Position training – teaching the submissive to assume a set of kneeling or standing poses, in response to the Master’s voice commands.)
4. A slave is always naked (or some designated dress) in Master’s House.
5. You must ask permission to leave the room, or use the bathroom.
6. You may not sit on the furniture without permission.
7. You must respectfully ask permission to speak.
8. If slave needs to ask questions, he/she must ask permission to speak, as in, “Sir, I have a question,” or, “May I speak freely, Sir?”
9. Whenever you have no duties to perform, or need instruction, you assume the kneeling position at your Master’s feet and wait quietly for his attention.
10. Arms are never allowed to be crossed over the body when in the presence of the Master unless it is his/her request.
11. You may not have an orgasm without permission, and may only play with yourself with permission.
12. When you make a mistake or misbehave, you may not wait until Master notices, but must immediately inform Him and gracefully accept correction.
13. You may not interrupt your Master except in an emergency.
14. The slave must prepare body for bed by bathing and then preparing the bed for the dominant.
15. Slave must present his/her body for a nightly inspection.
16. Slave must kneel and ask permission to enter the Master’s bed
17. When you are in Master’s House, you may eat and drink only from Master’s hand.
18. The submissive must learn how to serve coffee, tea or other drinks in a serving ritual specified by the Master.
19. Upon a signal from Master, the slave presents himself/herself in a manner specified by the Master for the preliminaries of sexual intimacy.

IN PUBLIC

1. A slave is not permitted to draw undue attention by excessive body movements such as tossing the head or hair, shifting positions while kneeling, moving hands or feet or, in general, doing anything that is distracting.
2. All movements are expected to be as graceful as possible or as trained by Master.
3. Lips are to be kept slightly parted and relaxed.
4. The back is always kept straight.
5. Whenever the slave is using your hands, he/she must keep them behind his/her back; when standing still, legs are parted. This is to be done unobtrusively – don’t alarm the vanilla world.
6. You walk slightly behind Master.
7. Slave does not make eye contact with any Dominant other than their Master.
8. You wait for his attention to speak.
9. In a restaurant, Master orders your meals.
10. You must discreetly ask permission to begin eating, and you may never start eating until your Master does.
11. You address Him as Sir whenever there are no other vanilla people around.
12. When having dinner with other lifestylers, slave will serve Master and guests as taught, then clear the table and serve coffee, tea or dessert as instructed. Afterward, slave sits on the floor at his feet.

As I have stated many times, pick and choose those listed protocols you want discard the rest. Or, invent your own or use some that have been omitted. For example, I use less than half of the above protocols in my relationship. So, my best advice is to use those that work for you and eliminate those that don’t.

Work! And How to Make it Work

October 3, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

I have written about the effect of jobs, family and real-world obligations on BDSM relationships. But, on further reflection, I think jobs can have a greater negative effect on BDSM relationships than all other factors combined. Families, no matter how demanding they can be, also bring a positive aspect to any couple’s life. Real world obligations are something that everyone must deal with – BDSM, vanilla or celibate. You simply have to go to the dry cleaner, to the market, to the auto repairman. However, these tasks can be done at your convenience; you can time-manage them quite easily. It is in the area of work where there is the least latitude in terms of hours, energy drain and never-ending pressure. Even for those who love their job, the sheer time, in addition to physical demands, can cut into almost any BDSM relationship – especially if you are attempting any version of a 24/7 dynamic. Before we look at the best way to merge D/s and jobs, let’s backtrack a bit.

For many of us, we started out in BDSM by reading novels like the “Story of O”; for millennials, most started online or by watching “Fifty Shades of Grey.” In all these cases, the Master/slave or Dom/sub dynamic was idealized; it was a fantasy world of perfect Masters, Mistresses and slaves. However, once you decided to take it real time, the demands of work and the demands of maintaining a D/s relationship often clashed – especially if you are with your partner 24/7.

Do the math. Seven days times twenty-four hours per day gives you 168 hours in a week. If you sleep eight hours a day, you are left with 112 free hours. Assume you (and probably your partner) work forty hours a week with ten hours for commuting, working on your smart phone and getting ready (being conservative), you are left with 62 free hours. You gotta eat – so subtract another ten hours for stuffing your face. Now, there are 52 hours left. With errands, odds- and-ends and TV watching, you are left with, at most, 30 hours in a week for your Master/slave relationship — assuming no kids. Note, too, that these hours are hardly prime-energy hours; these are the “left-over” hours. The prime high-energy hours have been reserved for the demands of your job. After all, perform poorly at work and you might be saying “Yes, sir” at the unemployment line! So, what to do?

The first thing is to recognize the reality that, unless you sold your app for millions or are Christian Grey, you have to do your D/s in high-energy and low-energy spurts. The best way to manage this is to keep the protocols, punishments and even play to a minimum during those low-energy periods. Keep the D/s hierarchy, but don’t be as demanding (if you are the Dom/me) during these hours. Both sides must be more forgiving and understand that there must be more “D/s elasticity” during these times. The two of you should become adept at identifying when the other is too stressed-out to go full-tilt BDSM.

On the other hand, when you are both energized – typically during the weekend – you should put the same effort into your BDSM rituals, play and protocols as when you first met. Make a special effort to be “on your game.” Since many of the commercial dungeons are open only on weekends, plan your week around playing there. It is here that little of the real world intrudes and you can practice BDSM in a scene-friendly, high-energy environment. This is my personal approach.

Of course, there will always be those couples who have the energy, dedication and commitment to maintain a 24/7 high-protocol Master/slave union while working full time. I salute them.

But, for the rest of us, it is better to have five hours of high-level weekend BDSM and twenty-five hours a week of lower-level D/s than thirty hours of so-so BDSM. After all, it was the awesomeness of BDSM that got you here in the first place. Jobs may intrude into it; but they should not exclude all of it!

Practical Slave Positions

September 19, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Slave positions are standard poses that you can teach your submissive or slave to memorize, to be assumed on command. The exercise of training a submissive in the poses, and punishing and rewarding them based on their successes and failures along the way, can be a fun and bonding play scene for those into domination and submission.

There are as many different slave positions as there are dominants, but below we have outlined 12 of the most popular which you can use as a starting point for training your submissive.

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Everyone has different needs and physical limitations, so as the Dominant, consider some leniency while your slave is getting used to the different body positions. You may find that one position exacerbates an old injury or perhaps your slave is not flexible enough to achieve another. All of the following examples can be modified or simply removed all together based on your preferences and the limitations of your slave’s body. On the other hand, most can be made more difficult by adding additional elements like wearing high heels while holding the positions.

Position 1 – Present

Present slave position – sitting down on knees, with knees spread wide and hands palm up on thighs.

This position is a great starting point for training your slave in positions. It’s easy to learn and not too difficult to maintain However, if the slave is wearing heels or not the most flexible, then this position may become uncomfortable after a while. I like this one as it shows respect and patience in the part of the slave.

Position 2 – Submit

“Submit” slave position – kneeling forward face down with knees spread and arms stretched in front.

Submit may look familiar, as it is quite similar to “child’s pose” in yoga. It’s pretty comfortable to remain in for longer periods of time, and puts the slave into a nice downward facing submissive posture. They won’t be able to see what you’re doing, and the forehead on hands lends itself well to having your slave get into a relaxed state of mind.

A more difficult variation of this position is “grovel”, where the arms are in a box position behind the back (shown in the picture at the top of this article).

Position 3 – Kneel Forward

“Kneel forward” slave position – straight arms and hips forward from knees

This position is essentially plank pose, but on the knees so a little less intense. When held correctly (with hips forward of knees), it will be challenging to endure for periods. A more difficult variation is “punishment” where the feet are held off the ground (increasing pressure on the knees).

Position 4 – Kneel Back

“Kneel back” slave position – kneeling with knees wide, while leaning back onto straight arms.

Those with tight thigh muscles will find it a challenge to get into this position. It’s a very submissive and aesthetically pleasing position, which provides great access to all of the front of the slave’s body.

Position 5 – Expose

“Expose” slave position – kneeling with hands behind head and knees spread wide

This position is named very aptly. I could picture sitting a slave in a corner at a public dungeon or play party in this position, for all to see (and have several times in fact).

A variation is to have the slave crouched on feet rather than knees, and the arms can be behind the back rather than over the head (pictured on the right above).

Position 6 – Hands

“Hands” slave position – arms together held out in front while kneeling down

This position is a test of endurance on the arms. To make more difficult, have them straighten their arms, or add an object like a book to be held (as shown in the picture).

Position 7 – Floor

“Floor” slave position – lying face down, wrists cross behind back

The slave in this position feels true supplication. They are physically at the lowest level possible, which can be experienced at a very emotional level. The wrists behind the back means the full weight of gravity is felt on the body. This can be made more difficult by having the forehead rest on the floor rather than the cheek.

Position 8 – Apology

“Apology” slave position – lying face down, forehead down, arms spread wide

The forehead touching the ground ensures the slave cannot see anything happening in the room. The arms spread wide means the slave takes up more space, ensuring they are seen by all in the room. A big statement of obedience and total submission – perfect for a slave that has something to apologize for.

Position 9 – Wait up

“Wait up” slave position – standing with legs slightly apart, wrists crossed above the head

It’s like waiting, but with the hands neatly and submissively out of the way in case Master should feel like playing with the slaves tits. And certainly would never be confused with an independent person just casually standing around.

Position 10 – Wait

“Wait” slave position – standing with legs slightly apart, arms in box position behind the back

More subtle that “Wait up”, this can be a nice default position when waiting on the Master, or when in vanilla settings where it draws less attention that other positions.

A variation is to allow the legs to be only slight apart rather than spread wide, which will be more subtle and more comfortable for longer periods of time.

Position 11 – Spread

“Spread” slave position – lying down on back, with arms behind back in box position, and legs spread wide

This position coveys total sexual submission. The genitals and breasts are presented and available for the Master’s every whim.

Position 12 – Wheel

“Wheel” slave position – feet slightly apart, back bend supported by the hands

This shares the name of “wheel pose” (also known as upward bow) in yoga. It is the most difficult of these 12 positions to enter and maintain – a true test of strength and endurance. For those slaves who are able to hold this position for their master, the effort will be rewarded by the feeling of complete submission to their Master.

I hope these positions give you some great inspiration for training your submissive in slave positions! Many Dominants come up with their own names and variations on positions, and have their subs / slaves practice and memorize them based on position number, name or both. If you have a unique approach to slave position training, we’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

Tip of the day: Interested in trying shibari rope bondage, either being tied up or learning to tie? Experience shibari in Los Angeles with Lovely Fate.

Who Has the Power

May 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

With DomCon Los Angeles coming up this week, I thought it enlightening to examine the basis of all D/s relationships – the “power exchange.” After all, if you are attending, you will see lots of Dommes – from professionals to lifestylers – in their fetish wear. Thus power exchanges will be front and center — in your face, so to speak. And likely a vanilla or newbie friend of yours will say something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play.” Not so fast!

In our world of consensual power exchanges, there is always the argument as to whether there is an actual exchange of power and who, in fact, wields it. Those doubters always use the argument that, “Slavery is illegal in the United States” or, “You cannot legally consent to be someone’s slave.” Those statements might be true in a technical sense; but I always counter with, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” When I see a slave serving his/her Master or Mistress, it appears that they are in a Master/slave state. I haven’t yet seen a slave tell her Mistress “get your own fucking cup of coffee” — as I have with vanilla couples. Until I see Masters/Mistresses and their slaves bickering like vanilla couples, one can only conclude there is definitely an exchange of power.

As to who wields the power, that is a more complex question. I think the actual power exchange is a two stage process. The first one is the negotiation phase, which I have covered in previous Kink Weekly articles. Here, in my opinion, the submissive holds the power. The potential slave has the veto power and is the one generally stating his/her hard limits. This “veto power” is, by its very nature, un-submissive and, from the Dom/me’s point of view, can be a bit unsettling. But, as I have stated, “Until you actually negotiate a D/s agreement, no matter how rudimentary, you are not anyone’s submissive.” But once we get to the next stage – the actual power exchange – the dynamic changes.

After the hard limits and parameters are worked out, the submissive, duh, submits. Now the power is ceded to the Dom/me. The Dominant is given authority over a negotiated range of the submissive’s life – from sexual to lifestyle aspects. The degree of this power varies from couple to couple, but the power is clearly in the hands of the Dom/me. And the power is real.
So, if your vanilla or newbie friend says something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play,” it is time to set them straight. Yes, there are role play aspects in all relationships. But once in a committed D/s union – either by slave contract or any other means – there is definitely a power exchange.

Those sexy Dommes at DomCon LA – or at any BDSM or Fetish Club — might put on a good show, but they do have real, negotiated power over their slave or slaves. And even if the power exchange is just for a scene or a play evening, the power that the Dom/me has over the slave is quite real. And can also be a lot of fun!

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