submissive headspace

A Masochists Journey

August 5, 2021 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

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Something happened this week during our High Protocol scene. For my collared Slut and I, this occurs when she presents herself to be marked. We do this about once a week. I mark her with a heavy cane. The number of strokes vary according to her desire. The rest of the week she has a maintenance spanking during our daily play scenes. That is the context.

We were talking (debriefing) after the scene, and she said that she found the marking sexually arousing. This got me thinking about each of our transformations as sexual creatures since we started sceneing together almost 3 years ago.

For me the transformation to sensual sadist was not as big a step as it was for her to discover impact play as arousing. I had explored being a disciplinarian and a cruel sadist at length before I met her and had found, to my surprise, that pure sadism was not my preferred way of being. I had always wanted my sadism to be wrapped up in my sexuality, and sadism without sex was pointless as far as I could tell. I needed more.

For her the transformation was way more nuanced and more profound.

Its best to tell the story of her transformation in the form of a narrative from the beginning. When we first met, I saw her as a masochist. To wit, I had given her a task to do to test her obedience and her masochist tendencies – I instructed her to fig herself with a stick of wet ginger and to masturbate while doing so. She had 3 orgasms. Then she was required to meditate for a few minutes with the ginger inserted. She had an out of body experience. I also learned that as an elite distance athlete she had a lifelong experience with endorphins and being in a trance state.

After a time, I invited her to put herself forward to be claimed. The claiming would involve her being “marked inside and out”. I told her that I would piss in her ass and down her throat and that I would mark her with a cane.

It took something to put herself forward in that context. She had chosen me to be her Dom and she chose to kneel for me. She was courageous. She experienced the early period of our dynamic with some fear and trepidation mixed with the excitement of being a claimed submissive, the sex was intoxicating and new to her, and at the same time, she was having an ongoing conversation with herself, figuring out how she was going to endure and cope with the experience of choosing a sadist as her Dom long term. She is very competitive, and she was determined to win.

During the early period of our dynamic, as a responsible sadist, I was trying to read her before, during and after scenes, so that I could adjust the sadism to her experience as a masochist as lived. In that we are in a 24/7 TPE, I had a lot of responsibility to make sure that “I didn’t break my toys”. I told her I didn’t and she trusted that I would not. I had to be good to my word. For about 6 months, we used different implements and I created many different scenes exploring many fetishes and kinks to see where she and I were aligned, and how it felt. It was all new and a thrilling, exciting and scary experience for her to be in this intense sexual inquiry at that stage of our relationship. We first related as kinksters and as sexual creatures, and I had made the determination to make sure my partner and I were sexually aligned. We talked a lot about what worked and what adjustments were needed to make things work, and for a while, that was how we progressed the dynamic. Several months into our cohabitation, in response to circumstances, I implemented a Daily Maintenance Spanking regime. This was a particularly important event in our dynamic. We learned a great deal, both about her masochism as a result of that decision, and about my sadism and what it was that pleases me.

“During this early phase of our dynamic, I had many stories and scenarios running through my head as I attempted to make meaning of the impact play variations we were exploring. I liked the idea of impact play as an endurance test of my will and obedience. As a service submissive, I was determined to win this game. My internal dialogue included judgements that I should be able to take 100+ strokes of a cane or any other implement my Daddy chose to use to mark his property. However, I had little experience with most implements…especially within a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Early on, I was fixated on the stingy pain of implements and how they distracted me from being present versus enhancing my sexual experience. I was preoccupied with the pain. At first, I discovered certain implements were not my favorite. I feared sharing that with my Daddy as I didn’t want to disappoint him…a sadist. However, I was committed to creating no space between us and so I began to share. What was so wonderful, is that he listened…he too was searching for his sensual sadistic rhythm. I found that the heavy flogger was my favorite implement and would crave it most of all. I knew that the cane would always be present as my Daddy wanted his slut marked. I resigned myself to endure the cane as the trade-off was his satisfaction and appreciation of his slut welcoming her marks. During this time of caning, I would try to use various techniques to reframe the pain. I tried crushing the pain and diminishing it I my mind’s eye. I would realize the caning as flagellations to pay for the pain I had bestowed upon my children for divorcing their father. I would also use breath control to focus pain out of my body on the exhale. All methods worked a bit, but were largely unsuccessful ongoingly. When Daddy implemented the Daily Maintenance Spanking, I was both excited and a bit nervous. What if I couldn’t take it? After the first week of daily spankings of 200-500 strokes with the heavy flogger, I began to look forward to this intimate time. I felt myself relax into the flogging and after about 100-200 strokes, I was warmed up and no longer would feel the strokes individually. Instead, I began experiencing an energetic buzz throughout my body. My initial physical reaction was a dripping wet pussy…often running down my legs. This would always be followed by incredibly hot hot kinky sex with my Daddy. As time passed, I would comment that I could handle more and more flogging. Basically, I would stretch my Daddy to flog me until his arm gave out. Around this time, I proposed that 1000 strokes may be fun to attempt. This scene included my Daddy tying me up in a bent over position with my hands and ankles bound together. He went to work and got lost in his own Dom space. I too was lost in sub space and only requested to stop after hitting our goal due to my legs falling asleep and fearing I would collapse.” – Lady Petra

Mainly we learned after using several implements over time, that she responded best to the heavy flogger, and to a steady rhythmic firm impact. We learned that after about 125 strokes she started to experience orgasms as the spanking continued. We tested her tolerance to over 1200 strokes on one occasion and only stopped because her arms and legs were falling asleep in the bondage. She loved the experience. Since then, our daily maintenance spanking routine is implemented exclusively using the heavy flogger and because we both find it so very arousing, we have ridiculously hot sex every single time. The spanking is now inextricably wrapped into our sexuality. Her relationship with pain had evolved.

That was a pivotal moment in her masochism. It was when she first started to experience herself as a sensual masochist. Her experience with pain was something that we talked about a lot. And in fact, the daily conversations we were having became the impetus of our podcast launch.

I gave her a view to consider, that pain is an emotion and that its subject to interpretation. She became clear through the daily spankings with the heavy flogger over time, that the notion rang true for her too. Even so, the High Protocol scenes where marking occurred, the impact with the cane was more than she could process at the moment.

Over time, we explored different elements around caning her to see if we could find a path to make her experience of being caned as sexually arousing for her as it was for me. We tried giving her a prolonged warm-up and we tried taking more and also less time between strokes, but we were unable to alter her overall experience of being caned, which at that time the intensity of being caned had the impact of pulling her out of subspace.

Recently and quite by accident, we hit on a novel way to approach marking. I noticed one day that she spontaneously asked to be marked in the middle of a scene. I mark her and then fuck her ass while she recovers. One day, she randomly stated after being caned while I was fucking her ass … ”Mark me Daddy”. First of all, I found the experience incredibly hot and very erotic. Second, she seemed to handle the next cane stroke with ease. It occurred to me that instead of me trying to judge and assess her status so as to manage her marking without breaking her spirit, she could just tell me what she was actually dealing with and wanting at the moment. So, we talked about my need to mark her rather than hurt her, and her desire to be my marked slut. We made the choice to give her the power to determine how many marks she received after my initial stoke during a marking protocol scene.

“When I first asked to be marked with the cane, I was deep in sub space and we had already began the caning protocols. I was feeling so connected and aligned with my Daddy, that I felt his caning was an expression of his desire and love for me. He cared enough to mark…ME! My love for him overflowed and I heard myself say…”Mark me Daddy!” I was both aroused and shocked at what I heard erupt from me. As I bared down reading myself for his mark, something changed. He marked me and I remember saying to myself…”Wow…that wasn’t so bad.” The pain seemed to dissipate quicker than usual too. That was the beginning…Daddy stated that after my 1^st cane stroke on marking days, I would then be given the power to request more strokes. This was a game changer. Now I would request my strokes, which is a bit of a mind fuck. But, as a switch, to give me power to request my strokes gave me access to experience my caning in a new and enlightening way. I began to not dread my caning. I began cherishing my marks as I felt part of the process. My Daddy’s insight truly led to my greater and more positive experience with marking.” – Lady Petra

This was a game changer for her. She suddenly started to relate to the pain of being caned with a different context and mindset. She started to request many more strokes than she had previously experienced. This was music to my ears. Hot sex became even hotter! Our kink experience was dramatically enhanced by this simple choice. She could give up her fears around being caned and contextualize the experience as “being marked by her choice”. As her Dom, I want her marked and as my submissive she chooses to be my marked property. We are aligned.

This brings us to what happened yesterday. After our High Protocol Scene, we were talking and she said to me “I found the caning very arousing”.

This revelation exploded in my mind as a line that we had been striving to cross, or a mountain peak we were trying to summit had been achieved. The experience of flogging her led to a massive breakthrough in her experience with impact play and yesterday, the experience of caning has now resulted in a massive breakthrough in her experience with caning.

During the scene, which we begin with a hypnokink induction, I framed all our play in the context of an “energy exchange”, including the caning, and I suggested to her that she experience the caning as a massive transfer of energy, which it is ultimately.

Whatever the catalyst, she had a new experience with the cane that left her more aroused by the experience that she was at any time in the past.

By the time she got caned during our High Protocol scene, she had already experienced multiple orgasms, oral, anal and vaginal, and she had been flogged perhaps 500 times with two heavy floggers in preparation. Despite that, she shared, after the experience, that at the time, she had a consideration that she was not sufficiently warmed up and, in some ways, nor was she mentally prepared for the marking to occur at that moment. Even so, her experience of the marking was, surprisingly, one of being sexually aroused by the caning.

“This new experience of feeling arousal during my marking occurred to me newly during this most recent marking day. I found my caning bearable and was able to feel the energy move through me and back to my Daddy. Not quite sure I fully understand how to replicate the scenario, but I do think the suggestions relating to energy transfer with the caning helped me reframe the experience. Our scenes have only been getting hotter and hotter. I feel closer to my dominant more than any other person on earth. I think all combined, we have access to a door to Nirvana that few experience. I am grateful to be on a path with such a sexy sensual sadistic dominant who pulls and demands the masochist inside me to meet him toe-to-toe. He creates me and I create him. We are only at the beginning, and I am excited to see where we will go next!” – Lady Petra

This is a big deal in our dynamic. I am not sure if its due to one reason or another, or if her experience was created by several combined aspects of the experience. Probably the latter. What I know is that as a sensual Dom, I wrap my sadism into my sexuality and now I have confidence that as a masochist, she wraps her masochism into her sexuality, including our marking scenes, and it brings us closer together and aligns us to an even more precise degree. We are now even more aligned than we were, and to a degree that I thought impossible with another human being.

From the start, I set out to sexualize our dynamic and to a large degree I have been successful. Naturally this could not occur without Lady Petra’s full enrollment and participation. She is my 24/7 collared slut. She is always prepared to serve me. And now, our journey has taken a turn as it does in the rabbit hole.

We set out to explore our sexuality and to seek ever more fulfilling sexual encounters. Over the years, the twists and turns in the rabbit hole have surprised us. We always say that if we take new actions, the outcomes are unexpected.

If I had told you 3 years ago that in 3 years, she would find caning arousing, you might have raised your eyebrows if you had had a chance to interview her back then. But now, three years later her experience of herself as a masochist has transformed. The crucible that this has occurred in is that over 1,000 iterations, we have distilled our sexual encounters down to a series of the most exciting, most erotic, hottest actions and interactions from hypnokink, to impact play, to 3-hole penetration, to a give and take that keeps us both in a state of primal lust and now, because of her most recent experience, our High Protocol Scene has become scalding hot.

“I love a woman when she has abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her façade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewing, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…at that moment she is never more beautiful to me except for when I realize that I have now helped unleash a lioness into the world…”

−Marquis de Sade

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

Submit To The Person

July 8, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

Today, I’m thinking about a tendency among many submissives, to think of a dominant as the entire person, rather than as a dynamic in a relationship with a person. You’ll hear them say, “I’m looking for ‘A Dominant’”, “Why can’t I find more ‘Dominants’?”, “I’m A Submissive, I need A Dominant”. It is as if the person is defined solely by their preference when it comes to power dynamics. The notion is that ‘A Dominant’ is what a person is…when, in reality, a person ‘is’ a lot of things – including being a dominant in their relationships.

From my perspective as a dominant woman, I see this predominantly from male submissives (but it is certainly not limited to a specific gender). Very often, they approach women, looking for ‘A Dominant’ without any consideration for who the woman really is. Worse, they have often already defined what ‘A Dominant’ is, and are looking for it, exclusively. The ‘Dominant’ is viewed as a collective object – predictable based solely on their preference for “dominance” – and consistent from person to person (as long as they “know how to dominate”). Any dominant will do, because they are believed to be interchangeable. Of course, since that’s not true, this often can create serious issues with the relationship.

This viewpoint manifests itself in several common ways: Many submissives have a predetermined view of what ‘a dominant’ does; how they act; their attitude; their dress – and don’t see a person as dominant unless they meet those criteria. Or, they may discover that they don’t have compatibility with a dominant from a relationship perspective, even though they’ve had compatibility in kink. Or, they may not recognize dominance, if it doesn’t match the femininely-styled masculine image of a dominant.

I’ve discussed this last point before; the notion that dominance equatesto masculinity – and therefore, female dominance is thought of as a femininely-stylized imitation of masculinity. In my previous articles, I’ve pointed out that the porn-imagery of the female dominant shows women as ‘penetrators’ with strap-ons, in biker leathers (stylized), and having the heels of their boots (stylized jack boots) sucked ‘like a cock’. The notion that someone who doesn’t prefer traditionally masculine qualities (e.g., aggression, anger, micro-management, competitiveness, desire to overpower, etc.) is not ‘allowed’ in that imagery of dominance.

Relationships are a complex collection of traits, personalities, and dynamics. Power dynamics are just one of many dynamics that may exist in a relationship. The person who is the dominant has many other facets totheir personalities – most having absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics. If you enter a relationship with a person, solely based on one dynamic or attribute, you are destined to encounter problems and potentially dissolution of the relationship. For example, people who have entered relationships because “the sex was so good”, have experienced the same types of issues. Folks doing the same for power dynamics likely are headed for similar negative outcomes.

The key here, is to submit to the person, not to their role in a dynamic. If you’re thinking something longer-termed than sharing a scenario, dedicating yourself in service to someone is a serious commitment. There needs to be something about that PERSON that makes you want to submit to them.

Something more than their gender and that they identify as dominant. You are submitting to the entire person, who they are, not just what role they prefer to play. You must get to know who they are to be able to establish a relationship based on more than power dynamics. Only then can you customize your submission to mold and serve the full person.

The next time you feel like engaging with someone who identifies as ‘dominant’, try to identify what it is about that unique person that is drawing you to serve them. If it’s nothing more than their gender and preference for dominance, slow down, get to know who they really are, and then THEN make the decision to submit!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Pavlovian (Lack Of Responsiveness): Subs Are Not Animals

May 27, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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In my discussions with folks in the scene as well as folks who want to get into the scene, I’ve come across the notion that subs can be trained “like animals”; that they can be conditioned, usually through some sort of Pavlovian trigger, to respond to cause and effect and behave – perhaps without conscious acknowledgement – in accordance with the dominant’s desires. There are many folks, usually dog or horse trainers, who swear by the notion that subs will subconsciously respond to verbal and visual triggers through the use of repetition and positive / negative reinforcement – and that by using such techniques, one can create the perfect submissive.

I’m not a believer. At least, I’m not of the belief that it works the same way as it does with animals. I believe that there is far more complexity in the form of consent, negotiation, and agreement when it comes to humans. I don’t feel you “train” a sub; you “enable” them.

I acknowledge that there are many who will swear that training techniques do work the same way as it does with animals and have the “experience” to prove it. I challenge their experience: It is my belief that many submissives WANT to be trained and LOVE the idea of being ‘out of control’ – acting automatically ‘without will’ – and therefore, the techniques of animal training – interpreted as a kinky game and a means to those ends – motivates the sub to go along with the training. The end result LOOKS like Pavlovian training, but is actually only effective as long as the sub is willing to play along. When push comes to shove, the submissive is voluntarily complying…because it suits them. Unlike Pavlovian conditioning, the result is not subconscious at all…in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

The difference between humans and animals, is that humans rationalize. A human doesn’t just respond to stimulus, they analyze why that stimulus occurred and choose how to respond to it. If someone is creating a “Cause and effect” scenario for them, they seek to understand the motivation of that person; they intellectually recognize how the manipulation is intended to work. Humans may agree and react to that manipulation, but, unlike an animal, they are consciously aware of the motivation and intent of the actions and make a conscious decision to comply. That’s how humans work…and subs are humans (most of them!).

If you give a dog a treat every time it sits up and gives you its paw, it will eventually associate those things. Animals learn cause and effect. A dog will do the trick without knowing why you want them to do so. It does it without knowing they’re being trained. They just know that if they do this, they get that…so they do this if they want that.

A sub will also associate the treat with the trick; however, it is far deeper than that. The sub knows that the dominant is advancing this compensation. The sub understands that the dominant wants him to sit up and offer a paw … and that in order to get him to do that, the dominant is offering something that the sub wants in return (or something the sub wants to avoid – in the case of negative enforcement).

For some submissives, just having the dominant interested in training them in this way is enough to get them to comply. The compensation doesn’t even matter. It’s enough that the dominant enjoys the “game of training” and they are excited by the prospect that they will respond in a Pavlovian manner – so they choose to comply.

For others the sub is deciding – assessing the quality of the compensation and determining if it is ‘good enough’ to ‘earn’ their compliance. They feel in control of determining what it will take to “train them”. They may even choose to try to escalate the compensation over time, by slowing down the reaction time between cause and effect, in an attempt to prompt the dominant to increase the cause to obtain the same effect. You don’t see animals playing that game (if you can get a paw for a cookie, you don’t see the dog suddenly start to refuse to give you their paw unless you give them TWO cookies).

To me, training a sub is more about enabling them than manipulating them. I’m not trying to build up subconscious reactions to stimuli – there is an “automaton / Stepford” fantasy that’s just not my thing – My approach to “training” is to make sure my objectives and expectations are clear to the submissive and assure that they have the skills and materials to get the job done to the best of their ability. I’m not threatening them with what will happen if they don’t comply, nor am I rewarding them when they do. I’m simply assessing their performance and providing the feedback necessary (positive and negative) to demonstrate that I recognize their efforts and am interested in helping them to improve themselves. I’m completely open with my assessment – their sense of fulfillment when they’ve done a great job and I’m thrilled with their work, is its own reward…and conversely, if they are not hitting the mark, their own motivation to improve.

Ultimately, a sub who is motivated to be the best they can be, will seek out the assessment and demonstrate the self-discipline to improve. They will internalize your goals and objectives as their own. I don’t need to manipulate them. As a dominant, my job is to be extremely clear in communication of my preferences and expectations; to openly expect them to strive to meet those objectives; to recognize their efforts, assess them, and provide the feedback necessary to let them know how well they are meeting their goal; and to give them adjustments to help them improve when they’re not. The long termed goal, for both of us, is for them to learn to become the best submissive – for me – that they can possibly be.

Does Submission Need to Include Sacrifice?

May 14, 2021 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

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I was, as I often do, reading some posts in Fetlife this morning. As I read through the posts, I noticed the recurring notion that submissives “sacrifice” things: Their freedom, their desires, their dignity. The common belief is that submissives “give up” parts of themselves in order to serve the dominant. That, in order to serve the dominant, they need to deprive themselves (or be deprived) of something they want. To further the stereotypes: They are often either manipulated into this sacrifice, or want to sacrifice to a dominant who will gladly make them do so.

I got around to thinking about my submissives. I’ve never thought about them sacrificing for me…this is what THEY want to do. I came to the realization that while they give a lot, they don’t actually GIVE UP anything.

I sat down and discussed this with my husband (who is my slave). His answer was telling:

“If I think about the way dominance and submission are depicted in videos, then it’s pretty clear that the submissives are ‘put upon’ to do what the dominant wants. They are usually ‘forced’ to do so, actually. They are often acting against their will and acting like they ‘have’ to do things that they don’t, or wouldn’t, want to do. If that’s the case, then yes, they’re sacrificing…they’re sacrificing their own wills and their own desires in favor of the dominant’s. But I don’t feel that way about my submission to you. I’m not sacrificing any of myself…I’m not forced to serve you. I CHOOSE to serve you. I WANT to serve you. In serving you, in doing what you want and placing those desires in front of my own, I am getting exactly what I want. In fact, if I were not able to serve you, I’d be sacrificing – because I would have to give up my ultimate enjoyment.”

His answer got me thinking: Why does submission need to be a negative thing? Why do we think the submissive is “oppressed”? My husband is certainly not oppressed.

So this brings up the obvious paradox: If a man wishes to ‘sacrifice’…and is given the opportunity to do so…is he really sacrificing? Isn’t this really what’s at the root of submission? There is a reason that submissives submit: It’s not because they HAVE to…that’s capitulation and acquiescence…it’s because they CHOOSE to. Submission is a conscious dedication to the dominant. Submissives WANT to submit.

This paradox is as old as time, but how it conflicts with reality seems to underlie a lot of fantasy activities. The fantasy is to sacrifice…but to be allowed to sacrifice is not a sacrifice. Submissives want to feel they have sacrificed…many want to be forced to sacrifice – and yet, the very nature of free will and consent take that away. The reality is, SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), keeps the fantasy a fantasy! If you crossed the line and actually forced a submissive to sacrifice, it would be considered abuse.

So submissives who want that fantasy need to artificially manufacture the illusion of sacrifice. They crave manipulation, they want to be forced to capitulate. Many want to be put in chastity devices to sacrifice sexual freedom, or want to live in bondage and desolate servitude…or sign contracts (even if they have no legal meaning). They invent terms like TPE (Total Power Exchange) and CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) to obfuscate consensual sacrifice and make it look as though there is no free will – when, in fact, you can’t actually give up free will (because there will always be legal recourse to get it back).

But submission is given a bum-wrap for this imagery. The fantasy is what people see – and what the general public associates with power dynamics. The fantasy of sacrifice and oppression is what applies pressure on spouses and partners who want to be served, but don’t want to oppress. It’s what some submissives point to when defining what dominance “has to be.”

It’s what I’ve been combatting with my methodology for more than a dozen years.

In reality, submission is not sacrifice. Submission, for my husband and many others, is fulfillment. Submission is their freedom. They are not ‘giving up’ anything at all…they are ‘obtaining’ fulfillment of their desires. You can play games and enact fantasies, but ultimately, the actual submission is voluntary – the devotion of submission is fulfilling and enlivening.

Managing Multiple Subs

April 24, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

A couple of days ago, I was asked a question regarding managing the problems of having multiple subs who serve you at the same time. As my readers know, I’m not talking about multiple play partners, but rather, multiple partners who are striving to fulfill my expectations, desires, and preferences.

The question was how I avoid the problems of multiple partners, particularly in the area of sexuality – how I manage intimacy with different subs. The person asking was having trouble rationalizing multiple partners and how to split your time, attention, and commitment between them.

This person was seeing all sorts of problems with treating all subs “equally”, yet having some who are closer than others, and what that does to them in terms of jealousy and competition.

This became yet another excellent use of the “layers” concepts (rather than rehash that here, I refer you to my books, fetlife, or other articles that discuss the layers analogy). Bottom line, the way I look at power dynamics simplifies these questions. The layers concept views D/s relationships as relationships (of some sort) to which we’ve added a power dynamic. I currently have D/s relationships with 4 people. All of them are dedicated to serving me in whatever way I define their submission. They’re all my submissives and the power dynamic with all of them is very similar.

However, their underlying relationships are very different: One is my husband, one is the husband of a close friend, one is basically my lawyer and the fourth is a friend, turned business associate.

Naturally, the relationship I have with my husband is very different than those I have with the other 3 – however, it’s not because of a difference in the power dynamic (or their intent within the power dynamic) – it’s due to differences in the underlying relationship type. Clearly, one doesn’t feel the same way about a friend than they do about a spouse – with or without a power dynamic! You trust your spouse more than your lawyer (lawyer jokes aside). You communicate better with your business partner than the husband of a friend (you hope).

Resolving the Paradoxes

The way the person had asked the question conflated relationship-level attributes with power dynamic level attributes and hence, they were having trouble resolving the paradoxes: How can you have the same type of power dynamic with someone you love versus a friend? How does your spouse have more privilege than your friend without jealousy?

For me, it’s simple: I have relatively equal power dynamics with very different types of relationships…and therefore the blended whole of each relationship is very different. But from the perspective of the power dynamics – how they serve me – their intent – the rules they live by — those things are nearly identical.

The question about sexuality is moot when considered within the context of this separation: Sex is something that (at least for me) depends on the underlying relationship type. Whether I am sexual with someone has nothing to do with their service to me, it has to do with the type of underlying relationship we have.

If you’re not the type to have sex with the husband of a friend, or your lawyer, or your business associate, then you’re not going to have sex with them if they’re your submissive! So, I don’t have sex with those submissives. I do, however, have sex with my husband. The fact that they’re all my submissives doesn’t change that…because it’s not the power layer that defines the sexual component of our overall relationships.

The other subs understand this separation – they don’t feel jealousy because they understand that, while they are equals when it comes to submission, they are not on equal footing in the underlying relationship. They don’t EXPECT to have that type of intimacy, because theirs is not that type of relationship.

The Team Approach

When it comes to managing the submission of multiple partners, the number one rule is that they operate as a team: My submissives comprise “Team Rika”. The overall success of Team Rika is my happiness – how well the overall team serves me. It has nothing to do with the relative position or performance of any particular team member. Each team member brings their strengths to the team and together they fill in each other’s weaknesses. They work together to be the best team they can be. They can only succeed together.

I have a couple of rules of thumb that govern this team, which help to eliminate jealousy and competition – both of which are poison to a multiple-partner dynamic:

1) I segment the areas of their focus. I don’t assign two submissives the same area of my life. If one sub manages the kitchen, another one manages transportation, another will manage wardrobe, another will manage the garden, etc. This keeps them out of each other’s hair and avoids two of them trying to serve me in the same space.

2) Competition is the enemy of good teamwork. A lot of folks believe that you get the best out of a person when you make them compete. This is true for the performance of an individual, but I don’t believe it’s the best solution for a team. The focus of each team member must be the performance of the team, not their particular performance.

3) Due to #2, a sub who is competitive has lost sight of the ultimate goal of the team, and will no longer be allowed to serve. They will be given opportunity to change their ways, but ultimately, if I feel they are continuing to act in a counter-productive manner to the benefit of the team, I will remove them from the team – no matter what they’re bringing in terms of individual performance. The health of the team is far more important than any one person. I have luckily only had to do this once in almost 30 years.

4) I don’t show favorites. As I already discussed, the underlying relationship types factor into the overall relationship and how I treat that partner, however, as far as the power dynamic is concerned, everyone is held to the same standard. Everyone is expected to strive to fulfill their commitment to the dynamic. I provide equal assessment and feedback, simple gifts, clear communications of my expectations, recognition, and active attention.

5) Tattling is a big ‘no-no’. I’m not interested in individual guilt or assignment of blame. The team succeeds or fails together. The team needs to work within itself to grow. They need to help each other and correct each other. They share a common objective and if they keep their focus on that objective, they will help each other work through their differences and insecurities. Personal goals are most visible when you take your eye off the team’s goals. It’s fine to want yourself to succeed, but if that surpasses your focus on the objective of the team, you’re priorities are out of alignment.

Wrap up

This is not an easy thing to manage multiple submissives, however, it is very doable when you understand the forces at play. As the dominant, you need to be clear as to your expectations – not only regarding how they serve you, but also their responsibilities to each other. When a team is functioning well, it feels effortless. If you find yourself resolving conflicts, managing egos, reassuring insecurities – then something is amiss within your team and you need to snuff it as quickly as possible. Determine the root cause and if you can’t remediate it, eliminate it. Your team will serve you well – and a well functioning team will serve you better than any one person can.

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

April 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then prove their ability within the role.

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected. What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a particular task, or not.

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong.

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives, but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations.

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well:

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and their ability to learn.

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills.

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness, dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to discover it can’t?

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me. During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it?

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then, I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission.

I would love to hear your opinions!

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

April 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy Domme with whip — via stock.adobe.com

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books.

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding, media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s.

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism, and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome.

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable.

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show.

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen.

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities.

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption, it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics.

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity.

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle.

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance. Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant. But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole.

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable?

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics.

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics. They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities. Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation, the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing!

Edging, Orgasm Training, and Orgasm Denial In A D/s Relationship

March 13, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

Want to learn more about orgasm denial?

Want to orgasm on command?

Want to consensually control your submissive’s pleasure?

Then, check out this informative video from Sam with Kinky Assignments!

Edging, Orgasm Training & Orgasm Denial in a D/s relationship

Watch this video on YouTube

Three Levels of Submission

June 20, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

With the changes in the BDSM “community” – if we can even call it that – there is one constant: Dominance and submission are integral to all BDSM interactions. Whether it is the more casual play of the “New Guard” or the classic formality of the “New Old Guard,” you cannot have a Dom/me without a submissive. In an attempt to give those who enjoy submission a “user friendly” playbook and give them an insight to their needs, I have codified “three levels of submission.” Of course, there is probably a google of levels. But these three broad categories should help give subs – and their Dom/mes – an easy reference point.

As I see it (my opinion, of course), one can categorize submission into three distinct levels. The first level is “operational submission,” where you are submissive to your Dom/me but little is required. It is a relaxed submissive state; the power dynamic is acknowledged but rarely actuated. Light play is often the hallmark of this level. The second stage is “active submission.” Here the sub might be required to be very attentive to the Dom/me and be available for him/her; but limits are not pushed. It is a state of familiar submission. Although the play might be edgier, no curveballs are thrown. The third space is “slave submission.” Typically, this is during hard play, training sessions or in a Master/slave relationship. Here limits can be pushed, subspace achieved and new areas of D/s are often explored.

These three levels were not simply an invention; the concept was born out of personal observation and interviews. Many submissives described different mindsets that they used at different times – especially within a D/s or M/s relationship. Although some said, as stated before, that there were many more levels than three, these three major categories emerged.

When dealing with D/s interactions, there are as many ways of approaching it as there are people. Obviously, there is no “one way.” For some, there is one consistent level of submission throughout their relationship. Yet, it might be enlightening to examine those who actually use different states of submission in order to best serve their Dominant – and also to best serve their relationship.

The most common problem with D/s – especially among post-Millennials — appears to be the intrusion of real life. Jobs, kids and everyday chores can be energy draining. Thus, these lifestylers – either consciously or unconsciously – conserve their “D/s” vigor. In level one, or “operational submission,” where little is required, the submissive expends the least effort. But how can this state be maintained if the Dominant is in a demanding mood? It can’t; it takes two to tango, as the saying goes. The most successful relationships are the ones in which the sub’s needs and the Dom/me’s demands dovetail seamlessly, like the idealized sadist and masochist. For the submissive to spend any amount of time in “operational submission,” the Dominant must also enjoy spending time in a relaxed, “Dom/me light” mood. I have met many “New Guard” couples who maintain a “level one” light Ds/ interaction pretty much all the time.

The second stage, “active submission” and the third, “slave submission,” clearly are not ones where the Dom/me and the submissive can be casual. Where stage two ends and stage three begins can be a vague line; one can easily transition into the other. These two stages are pretty intense; they are probably the states most people think of when they imagine what D/s is.

Notice, the three stages of submission are not some unilateral declaration of behavior management. They are the way the Dominant in partnership with the submissive shapes the relationship. A wise Dominant knows when a job is sapping his submissive’s vigor and compensates for this. The three levels are, basically, a great way to sculpt a relationship from both the Dom/me’s and sub’s point of view.

I know some high-protocol Masters and slaves who appear to maintain “slave submission” all the time. For them, there might – or might not — be more subtle gradations of submission. Either way, it is impressive; for them, the three levels of submission might not have relevance. But, for the rest of us, there seems to be a need to effectively conserve our energy, especially when faced with so many demanding outside activities. The three levels of submission might be such a way.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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