consent

Communications Methods For Kinksters

January 17, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

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For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters. It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM. Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires. It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken. It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong. You can laugh and cry. You can scream or moan. You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues. You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter? What if you were trained to obey and never question? What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner? Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?” (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges. In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.

Three of us have learned to communicate. We have learned to talk to each other logically. We have learned to listen. We know how to barter and negotiate. We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well. We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do. Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication. While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares. They do not need to make sense. Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it. You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself. Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic. Master required I journal as well. He rarely read it. However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth. He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect. However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now. Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them. Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely. It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say. You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started. It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication. It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely. Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you? One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio. I have. I use this method often. I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen. Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees. You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW). For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me. This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions. Take a breather. Come back to it when you are calm. The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances. Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen. If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes. Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two. That is understandable. We are adults. This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private. It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need. This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently. Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition. This does not reflect badly on either one of you. It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones. Avoid the word “but” when possible.

Example:

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down. If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today. I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone. They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry. My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot. I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent. This does not negate that their heart was in the right place. So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues. While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind. It is about listening and understanding. Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key. Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers. If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate. It simply matters that you are.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

This week in kink: January 18, 2021

January 17, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

This week Shireen Khalil writes about Sherry Lever, a 69 year old, thriving Dominatrix.

It’s true that age is just a number!

Click below to read more of Sherry’s riveting story!

BDSM has gotten more exposure over the years.

Whether you like the show or not, the Netflix show, Bonding is bringing BDSM and sex work more into the public eye.

With this being said, Showbiz CheatSheet, exposes the inner workings of this series.

Click below to find out more!

‘Bonding’: A Look at the True Story Behind Netflix’s Dominatrix Comedy

yahoo lifestyle! reports that BDSM is the most popular kink with folks over 60.

BDSM is definitely not reserved for the youngsters! Anyone and everyone is welcome!

Click below to read more about these intriguing findings!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Negotiation And Consent

January 10, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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Kink is a power exchange.

How do you KNOW as a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Sir/Mistress etc (collectively “Top”) that you have the consent of your submissive?

As a submissive, how do you come to the decision to choose to relinquish your power safely? How do you choose your Top?

Let’s be honest, as a Top, if you did some of the things that run-of-the-mill kink play routinely involves to a person who had NOT given you their consent, you might very well get charged, arrested, prosecuted and convicted.

Kink is a coin with two sides. It only works if the Top and the Bottom, the Dom and the Sub, the Master and the slave are in alignment and it works best when there is full unconstrained communication.

One of the toughest aspects around the issue of monitoring consent during a scene is that both the Dom and the sub often experience mind-altering states that often makes clear communication difficult.

Kink is intense. It is a must to negotiate the parameters from a place of clarity, and I would argue, with complete authenticity.

There is good reason to discuss what is on the table (bondage, impact play, needles, gags, and/or dildos, for instance) as well as for how long, how intense, and what the limits are.

Do you as a sub, know your limits? Are you wanting to test your limits? As a Dom, are you someone who understands how to stretch limits within the boundaries of hard limits? Do you have an agreement on aftercare?

Hard limits, those things you just won’t do, must be stated and agreed to without reservation.

Kink requires safe words…I like the Yellow/Red combination. What does red mean? Do you end the scene or just move on to some other aspect of play? What about yellow? If I am flogging my sub and she says “yellow” what that means in our dynamic is “back off a bit, but please continue.”

When he/she says “I give you my consent” do you know what that means for him/her, do you understand his/her limits hard and soft? Do you know what he/she is expecting, for how long you have his/her consent? Do you know what his/her safe words are, and the way he/she understands them?

There is an argument, especially in pick-up-play, to be made for ongoing clarifications and requests for consent to be made as the scene progresses in order to keep the participants on the same page. For example, “I am going to spank you now with my bare hand, do I have your consent?” After spanking him/her ask “I am going to increase the intensity, do I have your consent?” And so on.

The most important part of the negotiation is really what happens after play, and what I call “the debriefing”. It is during the discussion about what was done and how it went that you come to agreement about what works and what does not. What is desired and what is designated as off limits, and not to be part of future play.

Ongoing dynamics are negotiated power exchanges that do not generally require repetitive conversations about consent, but in even well-established dynamics, there is a need to make sure that the play evolves keeping both parties fully engaged in the experience.

As a Dom, my view is that for me, a total power exchange is the perfect dynamic. Even in that dynamic, because my submissive has agency, whenever we introduce new experiences in play, there is a conversation before, during and after that addresses how she is doing, is she wanting more of what we are doing, does she want harder impact, should we go on longer etc. The point is that we live in a 24/7 TPE and we enjoy an energetic connection that requires no words, so when we do new things, we speak a lot about how it lands and how she likes it and how I can expand her limits and so on. Consent is an ongoing conversation that we always engage in.

Why do I say that one should be their authentic self when giving or seeking consent or negotiating limits? Think about this, if you are a dreamy sub and have all the feels for the Dom you are negotiating with and he says “I am into knife play” and for you, it’s a hard limit, but you don’t want to disappoint and so you say “It’s a soft limit”, then you go into a play session with a major concerns and you cannot relax and you are worried he is going to pull out a knife and you are worried about being cut and worse. The scene will not go well for you or him. If you were your authentic self, and you said, “that’s a hard limit”, then you would have no concerns about being cut or poked or scratched etc. He might have been disappointed, and he might have made an attempt to negotiate. He might share that his way of engaging in knife play may not be about cutting you, but instead be about getting you to move for him to avoid being cut, for example, and it may be something you come to try and enjoy and look forward to, but since you pretended to be interested in it, your head never got into subspace during the scene….and so I think that it is best to be authentic. Only agree to things you know you can handle on either side of the slash.

If you are new at kink, there is a lot to consider in negotiating with a play partner. First, are you chatting with someone with the same goal? Is this pickup play, are you thinking longer term? Are you clear what the experience level is? Do you have knowledge of the tools planned to be used? Is there attraction? Are you clear in your thinking? Do you have a friend you are in communication with that knows where you are going and who you are with? Are you negotiating about an evening or a weekend or longer? Does the person with whom you are negotiating scratch your itch? Do they understand what you are seeking exactly? Will there be penetration? Do you require condom use? There are so many details to get right. The main thing is to be in communication so that if a detail gets missed, there is a pathway to resolving the issue.

There comes a decision point in any negotiation. A point where, as a Dom, you get to ask the sub to give you her consent. When I was in this situation with a new potential partner, I would have her go off in private to do a task I requested in order to set the stage. After she made the decision to give her consent, in order to demonstrate that she was in fact giving me her consent, the last step to bring the negotiation to an end and to begin the scene, I would give her a butt plug and lube and send her to the bathroom so she could have one more opportunity to consider what came next, and a chance for her to choose to go forward or not in private without any pressure. She was given the choice to go and insert it, with the instruction to bring me her underwear by way of confirming that she was giving me her consent. I have met with prospective subs where they chose to go forward and sometimes, they chose not to go forward. Kink is as intimate as it gets. If a sub chose not to go forward, I would always honor her choice, no questions asked. She must choose to submit from my point of view. Period.

In the case of negotiating around discipline rather than play, when I negotiate with a sub for hard impact play or brutal punishment as in the context of a discipline where accountability is the issue and sexual contact is not at issue. In this case, I require her to give me her consent on video with her spoken words so that if there was a later dispute, that would be time stamped evidence.

Kink is very exciting, It’s very hot. It’s risky and edgy, and it’s super fun. BUT it’s only those things when both sides of the slash are in full agreement without constraint.

Be smart. Negotiate from a place of complete authenticity, and reach agreements that allow you to play unreservedly. Otherwise, how can you give your consent or accept the consent of your play partner?

Lady Petra Playground

A Kink Relationship Coaching Program offered by Lady Petra and SafferMaster

Kinky Cocktail Hour Podcast

Find Lady Petra Playground at https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things:

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results!

The Routine Task List Exercise

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version:

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them.

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s best to establish a set time to prepare a written list.

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because the submissive is forced to think like the dominant.

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the dominant’s preferences.

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell into each category:

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub happy, are not actually submission for them

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list.

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria:

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”, “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule.

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list.

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done.

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course, is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise, the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list.

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant.

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs.

John’s Attestation

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission:

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply irresistible!

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from my first list made it to the routine list.

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER.

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did.

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain circumstances.

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant. She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission, but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it.

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind, but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself acting in accordance with them, without having to try.

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU.

Wrapping it Up

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course.

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Importance Of Aftercare

January 3, 2021 By PirateStan 3 Comments

When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?

But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.

Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.

But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.

Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:

– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.

– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.

– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.

– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.

– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!

– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.

– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).

Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.

Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Properly Preparing To Play

December 27, 2020 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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If you have been following my ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com, you might conclude that I am over-covering the pandemic on a kink site. I think I would be remiss in ignoring the pandemic as it has affected the kink community on many levels. For starters, live dungeons have been mostly closed. I would hope the new vaccines are a bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. So I would like to answer questions that prepare us for the non-covid days ahead. Much will be review; so if your were a BDSM player and have not played for almost a year, you might want to go over aspects of play that you might have forgotten. There is never too much knowledge.

Reader: Recently, my kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-existing condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. But, how can you prepare for any eventuality?

As a general rule, it is impossible to prepare for EVERY eventuality. If I could do this, I would be working for President Biden eliminating terrorism. But seriously… Regarding medical pre-existing conditions — you might open a productive dialogue before your scene, especially between first-time players. Make sure the players are aware of any pre- existing conditions and what its symptoms are so you can stop the scene quicker than usual.
Now onto safe words. Depending solely on safe words is not the end-all and be-all to safety. (Although they are definitely better than anything that comes in second).

The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you) is “simplicity.” Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. They want style. “Greef” might be a cool safe word between ‘Mandalorean’ fans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scening. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression –“after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone standing by waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.
Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. If you notice, I would rather head off problems before they arise. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” also applies in BDSM play.

If you have extra time on your hands, I have written a companion piece on safety on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/?s=safe+words Play safe when you return to play! And if you have not played in a while, there is nothing wrong in going over safety essentials (as in “Don’t forget aftercare”) before you re-visit your favorite dungeon!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Consensual Non-Consent In BDSM/Kink

December 27, 2020 By PirateStan 4 Comments

Webster’s defines “oxymoron” as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”. Examples include such things as original copy, freezer burn, genuine fake, quiet roar, controlled chaos, silent scream, terribly good, passive aggressive, random order, and jumbo shrimp (some would put military intelligence in there as well).

And then there’s “nonconsenual consent”. What the hell does that mean? isn’t it dangerous? How can that possibly be safe, sane, and… ehrrr… consensual?

The simplest answer is that nonconsensual consent is, essentially, rape play (another oxymoron). It’s where you and a partner engage in a scene that mimics a sexual assault… within the parameters you both set.

Now let’s set this out at the beginning; this is a potentially dangerous and dark corner of BDSM that isn’t for everyone and, even for those it is, shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s been my experience that many gals who claim they’re looking for rape play have actually been raped; engaging in a controlled, pretend form of it could well be cathartic, or it could be horribly disastrous.

It’s certainly advanced play and definitely a deep end you shouldn’t jump into during your learning period of the scene. It also requires (typically long-term) partners who understand and intuit each other very well, as often the scene will go beyond simple negotiations, into areas and feelings you may not have been able to initially comprehend.

All parties involved need to have a deep understanding and comprehension of, and be very good at “reading”, each other. This is particularly important for the top (the rape-er) with regards to the bottom (the rape-ee).

You really can’t engage in too much preparation, as nonsensual consent isn’t something to be entered into lightly. If a scene goes south it can get very ugly very quickly. It’s not like hitting someone in the wrong spot; this can leave seriously psychological damage if done improperly.

Not that this sort of scene necessarily involve only two people. Indeed, if the bottom wants to be truly physically subdued while they’re fighting back, then at least two tops need to be involved.

It’s important to discuss ahead of time what each of you is hoping to achieve from the scene, emotionally and physically. And it’s perhaps even more important to have a safe word or gesture in place should things get too intense. Because it’s been my experience that they can become very, very intense.

Also, since roughly 70-80% of women have actually been raped to some degree, it’s vitally important to be aware of any triggers which may be present, and avoid them at all costs.

And this brings us to the rules, of which there aren’t any, at least ones that are set in stone. Some won’t want their face slapped, others will. Some won’t want a knife involved, others will want to be cut. Some won’t want physical violence, others will relish the pain and resulting bruises.

Then there’s what the top is looking for. Some will enjoy physically restraining someone who’s fighting back, others won’t. Some will want a bottom who’s fighting back, others will want a more passive victim. Some will enjoy name calling, others will prefer to be more genteel (at least as genteel as a pretend-rapist can be I suppose).

As mentioned, scenes can be as simple as a one-on-one between two partners, all the way to a full-on abduction, where the bottom is grabbed off the street, trussed up in a filthy van, and dragged away to an unknown location to have who-knows-what done to them (said who-knows-what having been negotiated ahead of time).

It should be added that the latter sort of scene requires a tremendous amount of planning with skilled, experienced tops. At its most basic level, you don’t want to be seen abducting someone in broad daylight, as most citizens will tend to dial 911. And explaining things to the police will harsh your buzz pretty quick.

Myself, I’ve only engaged in this sort of scene a handful of times, having found that it’s an itch that can be scratched relatively easily. Still, they were all very intense and satisfying, for both parties involved. They all tended to be of a type, one of which I can share as an example.

The victim, a gal I had been intimate with for some small time, agreed to be wrapped securely and inescapably in large amounts of duct tape, over clothing which was no longer terribly viable; indeed, it needed to be tossed out. Since neither of us cared for the wrestle-someone-into-bondage scenario, we agreed that she’d wake up already bound and gagged.

Enter myself, the villian. Armed only with a pair of scissors I was to cut her clothing off such that she’d be sexually available while still keeping her securely bound & gagged. And this I did do with great gusto. I took special pains to ensure that when I grabbed her shirt and bra to cut them off, I also grabbed her nipple by “accident” and pretended I was going to cut it off as well. She later admitted that she’d almost safe worded here, she was so terrified.

She, of course, fought back as best she could, but I’d tied her so she couldn’t engage in very much of that. Still, a lot of wrestling was involved; we both got pretty good workouts. There wasn’t much clothing left that wasn’t attached to duct tape.

In the end I cut off enough of her pants and undies such that I had full availability of her lady parts which, unlike in an actual rape, were extremely well lubricated. For the record, it is entirely possible to enter a lady whose legs are tied if you pull her knees towards her chest and come in from behind.

After, releasing her took very little time, as duct tape is easy to cut off, and it was mostly attached to her clothing. We had both found it very satisfying, if exhausting.

Of course, what tripped our triggers may leave you cold. Only you and a willing partner(s) can decide what you’re looking for, if this is even something you’re interested in. I certainly don’t recommend it for everyone and it shouldn’t necessarily be on your kinky bucket list.

Still, if it’s something you might find intriguing, find a partner, do your research, get to know each other, and perhaps give it a go. But be careful! This is not the sort of scene that is terriby forgiving should things go south.

Video: Aftercare

December 27, 2020 By Grey Knight 2 Comments

It’s not all about the flogging and canes and humiliation. So much of what BDSM is about is Aftercare/after the scene is done.

Much like working out, BDSM requires an adequate warm up (negotiation and consent) and cool down (aftercare).

These are to protect both the D-type’s and s-type’s mental, emotional, and physical states.

With this being said, don’t miss Grey Knight’s informative video on Aftercare and how it can be implemented after play!

The Grey Knight - Aftercare (BDSM affection and cool down)

Watch this video on YouTube

Dissociative Identity Disorder And Kink

December 19, 2020 By Joji Sada 3 Comments

hot submissive wanting to please her dominant — via stock.adobe.com

Multiple Personality Disorder, which has been renamed Dissociative Identity Disorder, involves the presence of three or more alternate personalities (alters) within a single mind/body. DID is an extremely misunderstood diagnosis. While it has defining characteristics, it takes a psychiatrist who specializes in the disorder to diagnose the condition. To put this into perspective, there is one doctor qualified to diagnose DID within 200 miles of my home.

Why am I telling you this?

Because, in my world, I love an individual with DID. I talk often of the mental health issues my partners have. To us, they are simply a part of life. I am a strong proponent that Mental Health should always negotiated, and renegotiated, while in the lifestyle. It does not matter if you are just getting into the scene or have been in it for decades.

But what happens when these diagnoses happen in an existing relationship?

You must make a decision. That is the easy part. You are either going to support your partner and figure out whatever is happening, or you are going to leave.

I chose to stay.

We have learned over the years that the “early episodes” that we had attributed to her Bipolar Disorder, was Callie Anne testing the waters. In her own words, she was trying to come out of “the dark” and see if it was “safe.” When I asked her why she had never come out before, she said it was “cuz she had to watch and wait to see if I was safe.”

Then, in the middle of the night, seven-ish years after we started dating (and two years into our marriage), this little voice talked to me. Quiet, skittish, and unaware of her surroundings. She looked up at me with these wide eyes and asked who I was. She wanted to know why I was in her room. She refused to tell me her name. She said I was a stranger and she was taught to never talk to strangers. So, in the softest voice, I introduced myself.

That’s right; I introduced myself to my own wife.

The following morning, I asked her if she remembered waking up. She did not. She told me she had not dreamt and had not woken once the night before.

So, I let it go. I figured it was one of those things that just happen.

Then it happened again a couple months later.

And again, two weeks after that.

Then, she finally introduced herself. She told me her name was Callie Anne R.—vroom, vroom like the car. And I laughed.

Slowly, but surely, she would come out more and more. She would visit only when I was alone. Because, even at four, Callie Anne recognizes that DID has a very bad stigma attached to it. She had no desire to be “hurt again.”

Through research, and our own experience, DID often happens due to childhood trauma. It is not an absolute cause but is a common among diagnosed cases. Many alters fracture to protect the ‘dominate’ personality, from remembering/experiencing something.

We kept this secret for three and a half years before we sought out a proper diagnosis. I am deeply protective of both B and Callie. So is the rest of our polyquad. In fact, Callie Anne had a whole escape plan drawn out (in crayon of course) for her first therapy session. Drampa (what she calls our husband) would fight the doctor, Diddy (me) would sneak her out the back, Drama (our second wife) would be the getaway driver, and Tigger (our service dog) would snuggle her on the ride out.

She was so nervous to meet the therapist.

Because she didn’t want to be put back in the dark again.

And the most common “technique” associated with DID therapy is called Integration. This, basically, is when the dominant personality absorbs all the other personalities and they cease to exist as their own entity.

I respect people’s decision to choose this option. I disagree with the belief that it is a cure.

Callie Anne is as much a part of our life as B is. She writes to Santa at Yule. She waits for the Easter Bunny every year (since bunnies are the bestest). She cries when she gets a booboo. And she has the sweetest laugh when Drampa picks on her and tickles her. Her love and innocence are that of any four-year-old. Although she was born of trauma, she is full of happiness.

Therefore, integration of any kind would be murder in my eyes. I would be consenting to snuffing out the life of my babygirl.

Which, if you have not guessed, is unacceptable.

**On a side note, Callie Anne is sitting here with me and I wanted to record her reaction to the last two statements above. She said “That’s Good. I don’t wanna die either. If you try Diddy, Imma hide behind Drampa and He will beat your butt.” She then proceeded to dance a little and sing “Drampa’s gonna beat you up, uh huh, uh huh.”** –All I can do is shake my head with a fond smile.

As I have discussed before, Callie considers herself a little. This allows her to find others who are accepting of her, and don’t often question anything too personal. As such, I am a Diddy (Daddy), though our relationship is far from BDSM/dynamic related. She has found acceptance with the other littles in our community.

Even Callie wonders sometimes if she is classified as a little. To the best of my knowledge, the answer is yes. She is a regressive little.

I have tried, many times, to find others with a similar diagnosis. If DID exists in the BDSM world, it has been beyond my reach to find. The single article that addressed DID and kink was a very long rant about judgmental individuals within the community who do not want to play with people with mental disorders. I will never discredit their experience. We have been lucky to find an accepting community who simply say hello to Callie and her stuffed bunny (Foo-Foo) and invite her to join them in coloring.

Then, our core had a discussion. There are more personalities than just B and Callie. In fact, there are eleven currently known alters.

So, my core sat down and wrote out some questions for the alters. With Master as Head of Household, myself as Diddy, and our second wife as Dramma (grandma), it is our job to take care of them. But, we have only negotiated formally with B. How do you take care of eleven people and only talk to one?

You don’t.

So, what follows, is a record of the negotiation questions we needed answers to, in order to continue in our relationship with the consent of all parties involved.

Here is the Code to who is who:

B- She is the host personality.

Callie Anne- She is a happy-go-lucky four-year-old.

Blue- She is eight and generally sad. She is the only one besides Callie and B to successfully control the physical body, even for a short few minutes.

Black- She is nine and generally feels everyone’s guilt.

Callie Rose- She is nine and she hides in the safe space (a playground within the mind that the children built) and has yet to speak to anyone.

Cally- She is fifteen and she refuses to interact with the adult alters (or adults in the real world)

Bahloo- He is an adult alter who acts as a caregiver and therapist to all the personalities. We often refer to him as A.

Anger- He is the protector of the children.

D- She is the logical voice and cannot feel, or be influenced, by emotion.

Shadow- This is the protector of the child still in the dark. S/he has no identifiable gender.

Girl in the Dark- We know she exists but have yet to be able to break her out of her trauma cycle and interact with her.

Do I have to negotiate with all of your alters or just one?

B: I would say you would have to do the detailed negotiation with the one you scene with. And try and touch base with the others.

Callie Anne: your negotiation is with the one alter. But then it is the job for the one to check in with the others. To make sure that they all have a place to go when the scene happens. Whether it’s our hand built safe space in our brain, or that they just don’t care what happens.

If I violate the consent of one, do I violate the consent of all?

D: as the logical one, I would say no. You made the deal with one, not all.

B: for me this is a grey area. I know it’s not all about logic when you feel violated.

Callie Anne: when everyone has their own rules for play, I think unless you violate one of their rules, you are fine

Should people with DID play since they have blurred boundaries?

Callie Anne: each of us have our own reality. I feel as long as you have conversations with each alter that can control the body, it is ok. If there are alters that do not live anywhere but the brain, the dominant personality should talk with them and see what they believe, or will know, or will feel.

Do all alters have the same safeword?

Every alter has its own safe word. B has one and Callie Anne has a different version of it.

Example: B’s safeword is Alligator. Callie Anne’s is giggleator.

How do you compartmentalize kink if you have underage alters?

B: This question is difficult. Each person has their own ways of doing this. For us personally, we have spent the time and energy building a safe space in our mind. Our safe space looks like a glass snow globe. Inside is a waterfall, a lake, an open sided building that holds toys, books, crayons; anything that interests the kids. There is also a gray/black foggy space for when they are not ready to interact with people. No one or nothing can get into the safe space unless we build it. So, it is a place that is free from bad memories, bad feelings, and “monsters”. When getting ready for a scene, all the littles, and adults alike, that do not want to witness what is going on sit in there.

How do you explain kink vs abuse to alters?

Callie Anne: It was hard at first. Then Diddy and Drampa explained that the biggest difference between them was if you like it, it is kink. If you do not, and it bothers you or scares you, then it is abuse. We have found a new piece who was stuck in a bad memory loop. Her name is Callie Rose. There has been no explanation for her yet. She is still sitting in the black space in the safe place because she is still trying to deal with the fear and pain from her loop.

Does each alter have their own limits?

Yes, each personality has their own limits. B loves spankings, hard floggings, light electrical, and some voyeurism. Callie Anne loves rope, light floggings, giggles at Drampa when trying electrical, and if out during other scenes, pops in her paci and headphones and avoids paying attention

Are some of the alters unaware of kink?

Yes they are. All the adult alters know, and so far the only child who knows is Callie Anne. (Even then, she is not privy to the more edgy side of kink).

Do the alters that know about kink all have different roles?

Depends on what you mean. They only have different roles in kink depending on what they enjoy. They do each have different roles in my “normal” life.

Does a switch mid-scene require the scene to end immediately?

If it’s from an adult to a child, absolutely. If it’s from a child to an adult, I would yellow the scene and check with the adult to see if we can figure out why the child left. Making sure they weren’t scared, hurt, or upset for some reason.

**You must pay close attention to body language in case of a switch. If one alter is afraid, it can be a deer in headlights situation**

How do you deal in sub/Dom space?

B deals with it by cuddling up with one of the spouses. Callie Anne deals with it by becoming a “sad burrito”. She rolls up in a blanket, cuddles with her bunny, uses her paci and watches Disney until she falls asleep.

Does aftercare and drop look the same for all of them? Does each alter feel the drop? Is it only the one in charge?

After care and drop are different for each of the ones that participate. The alters do feel sleepy when the drop hits and don’t quite understand why. But it is part of the way my brain helps to protect the rest.

How do you accommodate one alter without hurting another?

It is a long process. There are a lot of discussions involved over many weeks until everyone can come to an agreement.

Can you safely participate in pickup play as a person with DID?

In my opinion, the answer is no. I can do it with my core group, and maybe one or two of our closest friends. But otherwise I feel it would be unsafe on both parts.

If the controlling alter does not disclose the DID with their partner, is it a consent violation for the other partner?

ABSOLUTELY!! It would be the same as not disclosing metal in your body when doing electrical. It should never be done.

I have found that my journey into kink, and those who participate with me, has been vastly different than the average person. It is my goal to let you see into my world, so that in the future, if you meet someone like B, you can understand that they can offer you far more than you expect.

DID is surrounded by a stigma that those who have it are incapable of functioning. That they cannot make lucid decisions and cannot actively consent to their own participation in the world around them.

I understand the trepidation, especially if they are in a D/s dynamic. As a Dominant, you become responsible for yourself and your submissive. If they have multiple alters, you become responsible for the well-being of each one. As a submissive, it can become convoluted if only one has submitted (or if they phase out mid-scene).

Like any mental health issues, it has its own ups and downs that go with it. There is no shame in choosing not to accept the responsibility of someone with DID. It will bring nothing but misery if you begrudge someone for being who they are.

But I wanted to give you a glimpse into our reality. To let you share in the joy and the frustration that comes with DID and then trying to incorporate Kink into that. I have learned more patience and understanding since I met Callie Anne, then I ever did in most of my adult life.

I want the community to be able to have open discussions about kink and mental health. I want the community to accept that just because our brains are different, we are no less valuable than those without our mental struggles. I want people to know that we are more than capable to give and withdraw consent at any time.

Being Kinky with DID is no less fulfilling. It just means there are always spectators and opinions.

Video: Electric BDSM Play Demo

November 22, 2020 By Depraved Eros 2 Comments

Curios about Electric Play?

Want to know more about playing safely?

Never heard of Electric Play?

Then, be sure to check out this informative video brought to us by Depraved Eros! This week he tackles everything Electric Play and teachers viewers how to perform this type of play consensually, ethically, and safely.

Click below to find out more!

Electric Play Demo, BDSM Play

Watch this video on YouTube

consent

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