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“Are You Monogamous or Polyamorous?”–THE WRONG QUESTION

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This article originally appeared on ArcaneAdvice.com.

It’s time someone addressed a Single MASSIVE MISCONCEPTION regarding this question which gets asked in almost every Alternative Sexuality genre, including the BDSM / Fetish Scene. The answer will hopefully make you THINK, and it is interesting to note that we here in the BDSM Community have a few extra philosophical points to address on this question…. this utterly ERRONEOUS question. Far too often people make bad choices because they believe this question to be like a compass when in fact, as I will show you in a moment, it is more like a magnet attached to a bird flying in circles around the compass. The result is NOT a better idea of your partner. Instead the result of asking this question is almost always a mis-reading, misinformation (not necessarily intended), and getting only farther from a viable, useful answer.

How often does an individual in the world of dating get asked, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” I find the question pops up all the time. It is always asked as a Black & White issue, an On/Off switch, and the one making the inquiry always acts as though the answer will give them some incredible understanding, a singular “truth” about the person to whom they are speaking. Unfortunately, the question itself is founded on thinking that is so Completely Reductionistic that it is basically the equivalent of asking, “do you think Europe is Bad or Good?” Any sane person would say they like some countries, like others less, had a great time in one location, had a bad time in another location, etc etc. Agreeing to even answer a question like “do you think Europe is Bad or Good?” is agreeing to be viewed as a generalizing fool. The question itself makes zero room for the actual variety of experiences one can have in Europe, individual tastes, native languages spoken (which can affect one’s experience), preference of climate, and a hundred other factors.

Equally, the question, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” is setting up an EXTREMELY LIMITED set of options that in NO WAY reflect that Actual, WIDE Parameters that are involved in this genre of Human Sexuality. When someone inquires asking THE WRONG QUESTION, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” most of the time they have an Erroneous Definition of Polyamory in their mind to begin with. This foolhardy and uninformed definition of Polyamory tends to equate to one EXTREME end of polyamorous activity only, namely the “full-swap orgy.” So the WRONG QUESTION, “are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” is IN FACT generally asking, “Do you never, EVER have any form of sexual contact with anyone besides your chosen partner, or do you jump into full orgies where everyone has sex with everyone else?” This is an absolutely IDIOTIC QUESTION that does not in any way, shape, or form take into consideration the FULL SPECTRUM of activities and degrees of involvement that lay between these two absolute extremes. Its like walking into an ice cream parlor with DOZENS of flavors and asking the person with you to choose between vanilla or chocolate — what about all the MANY OTHER flavors?? Its like asking a new prospective BDSM play partner if their style is about canes or pony-play — what about the HUNDREDS of other ways to explore BDSM? The RIGHT QUESTIONS would be, “what are your favorite flavors?” and “what kinds of BDSM activity are you into?”

You probably are already seeing where I am going with this, but before we really tear into it, lets step back and look at the issue on a few basic levels, starting with Psychobiology. Fasten your seatbelts – this is going to be a crash course in Psychobiology (if you want an INTENSELY deeper scientific understanding of these things, read “The Evolution of Desire” by David Buss).

To begin with, think of humans as effectively Cave People who learned to drive cars. The bulk of our mating habits have not changed in a million years. All that has really changed are the conventions of “the tribe,” aka Society, that have been layered on top of these same primal instincts that still rule our DNA’s desire to make more DNA.

Consider the prehistoric basis of Mating Impulses:

1) No matter how much you may want to shake your fist at the sky and despise biology, the male mammal is designed to be able to procreate with multiple females. This is biology. The male half of most species produces enough semen to inseminate a vastly large number of females, and the actual number of partners is decided by the Mating Dance between males & females offset by Male Competition for access to fertile females. Females retain what Psychobiologists call “female choosiness,” the same process in many species wherein the female selects an inseminating male based on his genetic traits as evidenced in an overt manner through one of several means: physical prowess, leadership, health of skin / brightness of feathers, strength of presence / magnitude of song, access to and control of resources, etc. Her selection is equally offset by competition with other females for access to the best genes of the males. Human Civilization has modified these areas and what once was the highest criteria for mate selection back in cave man days is now sublimated to an entirely different set of criteria for modern society. For example, someone with almost zero physical prowess – i.e. one who would have been a lousy hunter in cave man days – might still register well for mate selection due to a secure access to resources (high income or above-average social connections, etc) in modern times.

2) The human female is designed to create one baby per gestation on a normal basis, and the human gestation period of nine months is one of the longer gestation periods of mammals in general.

3) Monogamous habits tend to be created with mammals that have longer gestation periods with fewer offspring produced. The shorter the gestation (i.e. weeks) and the larger number of offspring produced, the more likely the species will have polyamorous habits. As the gestation period of a species grows into many months and the number of typical offspring gets lower, the likelihood of Pair-Bonding increases. For example, Blue Whales who produce one calf with a gestation period of up to 12 months tend to be monogamous. This is not a hard & fast rule however. Elephants have a 22 month gestation period and are absolutely not monogamous as a rule. Wolves have a gestation period of only about 2 months, yet long-term monogamous pair-bonding amongst wolves is quite common.

4) The longer debilitated state of the pregnant female mammal with a long gestation period which produces few offspring will induce behavior in her to insure the presence of the male mammal as provider-protector during the debilitated state and early stages of growth in the offspring. The male mammal in the same scenario tends to stick around to insure the survival of his DNA / survival of the species. These behaviors of the male and female happen on a DNA level – it is a subconscious process that can be viewed all over the animal kingdom. It is a hard-wired response. In cave-man days when these behaviors became hard-wired, the survival of offspring was very dubious at best. In the modern world elements such as clean water, medicine, and social safe-guards tend to insure a much higher survival rate of offspring.

5) The average person in the modern world grows up with the perception that survival of one’s offspring will pretty much be a given (barring negative anomalies). Thus, on a purely biological level, the male has almost no actual need to worry about their offspring (aka their DNA) staying alive to make more DNA and pass along the genetic legacy. The female equally knows on a purely biological / DNA level that the male’s presence as protector is less needed due to social safe-guards. Her debilitation during the latter phases of gestation is still an issue, and the lifestyle in which the child will be raised is now more the concern of both parents rather than whether or not the infant will survive.

Thus the modern Human Condition, aka Modern Civilization, provides assurances that defy some of the hard-wired behaviors surrounding any biological basis for monogamy in the modern human mammal. To put it more simply, the realities of the modern world in many ways (but NOT ubiquitously) provide cause to over-ride the monogamous impulses from cave man days. Monogamy in the modern world is therefore more of a STYLISTIC CHOICE than a biological necessity. This stylistic choice can be the result of peer pressure, religion, social standards of a local community, or even perfectly reasonable personal desire.

Alright. That concludes your Intro To Psychobiology lesson. Now lets see how all of this dovetails into an understanding of why – and how – people seek out multiple sexual partners (or NOT), and even more importantly, the VARIETY of ways in which this happens.

Consider the word “Variety.” It denotes a multitude of choices. It denotes a stark contrast to a simple selection between merely two polarities. Variety is the opposite of Dichotomy. Variety connotes a LACK of the described subject as being a black & white choice. In the FETISH SCENE we experience a VAST Variety in the ways that we as Fetish Folk express and experience our BDSM Lives. There are literally HUNDREDS of ways to play in the BDSM Universe. Bondage, flogging, gags, fur, riding crops, role play, blindfolds, paddles, foot worship, dominance, submission, canes, protocols, fetish fashion…. the list of ways a Fetishist can Safely and Sanely express themselves is almost ENDLESS. This VARIETY we experience is like a giant smorgasbord of choices and naturally we gravitate to the “dishes” and “flavors” of Fetish Experience that most please our palate. Some flavors are more common, like Bondage, while other flavors are for people with more exotic tastes, such as High Protocol D/s.

KEY POINT:
So too is there a VARIETY of ways in which Human Mating Habits, as expressed in single or multiple partner selection, can occur. It is NOT a black & white issue. Hold This Thought In Mind.

CONCESSION FOR THE HARD-LINERS:
Ok. Yes, lets establish a monogamous baseline at ONE END OF THE SPECTRUM of this Variety Of Human Mating Habits for the purpose of comparison. We will call this “True and Total Monogamy.” The definition of this form of Human Sexuality equates to an absolute, often religiously supported, adherence to the prescript that both people in the couple will not EVER experience sex with anyone besides their partner. Not under any circumstance. Not even making out with an outsider. Not even kissing. We will also presume for the sake of discussion that in said couple’s report of their being hard-line monogamists that they are both being truthful in their reports, that neither has EVER (not once!) fooled-around nor cheated on their partner. Needless to say a menage-a-trois is out of the question. Not even once.

Now ask yourself: How many hardline monogamists – as defined above – do you personally know? Who have NEVER EVER cheated, never had an affair, never fooled around, never had a menage-a-trois with their partner (and never will), and who you will take it for granted that their report of this is absolutely honest from both people?

Don’t jump into cynicism! I am not advocating that AT ALL. I personally know couples who fit the above description. Whether or not they will adhere to this monogamy forever can only be taken on their word. I DO believe it is possible for a couple to be so infatuated and pleased with their partner that others just do not interest them at all. I also know that EVERY Long-Term Relationship takes EFFORT, DESIRE, and WORK from both people involved if they are to create a genuine and flourishing, healthy relationship. For the couples for whom I do believe they are honest in their long-term monogamy, they have the overwhelming quality of Mutual Respect for their partner, and a clear desire to Succeed together. If sex with others crosses their mind it is immediately dismissed as a lower value than the high value of the one they are with, every time, and this is a happy choice, not a brow-beaten concession. This kind of a couple often expresses themselves in a “team-of-two” manner, obviously bouncing off each other and working well together in general.

NONETHELESS, I bet a LOT of you answered the “How Many Do You Know?” question above with an answer equating to “Not Many.” THINK about why that is?
Is it that the couples who do not fit this bill had one partner cheat on the other? Is it because they had a single menage-a-trois? Is it because they are hardcore, full-swap swingers? Is it because the female half has outside girlfriends? Is it because they are in a D/s family? Is it because they play with others at the BDSM Club, doing scenes that involve kissing or fondling an outsider in public? And in all of these cases are they always couples having trouble? Or are they sometimes quite happy in their chosen expression? Do they have the situation well-negoiated? Do they play-it-by-ear with some basic rules and understandings? Are they tightly bonded and highly in-tune with the knowledge that outsiders are fun but stay outsiders? Do they have a regular third partner? Does that partner stay over and sleep in their bed or does the third person go home after play?

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? That “well there is a VARIETY of ways that Couples Express Their Sexuality With Outsiders, that its NOT a BLACK & WHITE subject.”
Bingo, Bulls-Eye & Kudos.

Lets digress from the BDSM / Fetish community for a moment and look at the world of SWINGERS. Non-Swingers tend to apply ONE DEFINITION to people in the Swinging Community, which (Erroneously) says that, “All Swingers are Polyamorous.” But lets look at THE REALITY of the VARIETY within the SWINGING Scene.

Swingers have a wide VARIETY of ways they play. One couple in the Swinging Scene might enjoy the “orgiastic” vibe of a Swinger party yet the couple ONLY PLAYS WITH THEIR OWN PARTNER – they just enjoy the voyeuristic aspect and openly sexual vibe. Another couple in the Swinging Scene might only have the female half play with other women in a very light fashion, just kissing and fondling in a playful way. Yet another couple might have both the man and the woman kissing and fondling a third. Still a different couple might go to Swinger Events to hook up with a third woman to take her back to their room and go to town upon her (menage-a-trois). Yet a different couple might express their Swinging nature by having the man watch as his female partner goes down on a third partner. Another couple might have a mutual ok to engage in anything up to oral sex, but no penetration, with outsiders. A different couple engages in “full swap” where anything goes at the party but all outside activity stays at the party. Yet another couple enjoys having the woman hook up with another woman while the male partners on both ends simultaneously play with their own woman. And this is NOT a complete list.

THE POINT:
Even in the Swinger Scene there is a WIDE VARIETY of ways that “polyamorous” activity expresses. So for the sake of discussion lets make up a false fact that says that Swingers have specifically 15 different ways that they can express ANY form of sexuality that involves others, from mere voyeurism through to full-swap.

Now lets add the number of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene:

— menage-a-trois on a regular basis (say monthly)
— menage-a-trois seasonally
— menage-a-trois maybe a few times a year
— menage-a-trois once with their partner just to satisfy mutual curiosity

Side Note: PLAYBOY Magazine ran a survey in the 1970’s where they interviewed 3000 men and woman across America. They asked people to report their #1 sexual fantasy. UNIVERSALLY the #1 answer of both men and women was “menage-a-trois” which is why it tops the current list I am creating here. As a fun additional note, the #4 choice of men and #5 choice of women was some kind of BDSM fantasy. 😉

Continuing with the list of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene:
— they can have a full-time third partner, i.e. be in a Trio
— they can both have multiple partners, i.e. have several outside play partners as in an “open relationship”
— they can be in a poly family / poly D-s family
— they can be monogamous in their home city and play with outsiders only when they travel
— they might stick to only BDSM Play on an outside sub, topping the third person together but no penetration
— they might orchestrate BDSM scenes with outsiders only at clubs, never at home
— the Dom might train multiple subs yet only have sex with his “Alpha”
— the couple might live as Dom & sub at home, yet enjoy vanilla play outside
— the couple might belong to a private group who enjoys BDSM play with the other members of the group
— the Dom might allow the sub to play with an outsider while the Dom observes
— the Dom might have several full-time slaves besides their “Alpha” who are sexual partners, and these outsiders may or may not spend time at the couple’s house
— the couple might live as hardcore Dom & sub yet they only act as Dual Doms to any outsiders, whether play partner, slave or otherwise
— the couple might be monogamous in their home city but have a negotiation regarding being allowed to play with others when apart from each other for a length of time
— the couple may have unusual rules around intimacy with outsiders, such as no kissing on the lips, or a certain toy or toys that are never, ever used on outsiders
— the couple might be completely Tantric with each other, yet merely casual with all outsiders

ETC, ETC, ETC!

For the sake of discussion, lets also create a false “fact” here that says this list could at least contain 30 variations of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene.

The point I am trying to make here is that if you take the 15 ways Swingers express any form of sexuality that involves others / outsiders, AND you add the above 30 or so ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene, you have (and this is a mere, off-the-cuff ESTIMATION) at LEAST 45 different ways that a couple can express ANY form of sexuality that involves others!!!

As a philosophical side-note, a friend of mine put forth the proposition that 24/7 Lifestyle D/s is inherently Polyamorous. I do not know that I necessarily agree as I am a firm believer in the sheer magnitude of the magic a tightly bonded Master and slave can experience. However for the sake of presenting all sides, here is how his argument went:
A Master wants his cherished slave to be his “Everything Girl.” This is why he takes so much time and joy in her Training. Yet the reality of most people is that they cannot be all things to any one person. Thus the Dom inherently encounters Needs where a second or third submissive is required to fill those needs. An example of this is how a Dom/me might need a slave for cooking and domestic, another slave to tend the garden, a sexual / passion slave, a slave for hardcore BDSM play, a slave for pet play, a slave with secretarial skills, etc. If the Dom can have all these in One Person that is fantastic and a true blessing. Otherwise the 24/7 Lifestyle D/s structure would dictate (according to my associate) that additional people would need to be brought on board.
I understand where my associate is coming from but I do not necessarily agree that outside people “Must” be brought in. I think it reverts back to the discussion above that ONE VARIATION of Polyamory in 24/7 Lifestyle BDSM would be where the Dom has multiple subs to fulfill multiple needs. In some variations the Dom would have a variety of degrees of sexual connection with these additional subs, while in other variations the Dom would reserve varying degrees (or all) of their sexuality for their primary partner / slave. So even if my associate was correct in his assumption (a debatable one at that) there would still be a VARIETY of WAYS that this would be able to be expressed.

Are you getting the picture yet?
One Word: VARIETY

THUS:
There are practically as many ways for a couple to express ANY form of sexuality that involves others, as there are FETISHES THAT ALL OF US IN THE BDSM SCENE ARE ABLE TO ENJOY! This is a MASSIVE ASPECT of the BEAUTY of the GREATER GLOBAL BDSM SCENE – the VARIETY of ways that we all get to Express Ourselves!! 😀

Would you walk up to a Dom and ask, “are you Skilled or Unskilled?”
Of course you would NOT! Trying to drop a Dom into a bucket of Skilled verses Unskilled is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION. You would want to know WHERE the Dom’s skills were, what they were experts at, what they were semi-skilled at, whether or not their level of skill in certain Fetishes matched your desires of where you enjoyed playing and exploring.

Asking if you think Europe is “Good or Bad” is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.
You would want to know what parts of Europe a person loved and what parts they hated because THAT INFORMATION IS USEFUL (albeit utterly subjective and probably wise to cross-reference).

Would you ask someone, “Do you have Hard Limits?” and accept a Yes or No answer? Of course NOT! You would want DETAILS because people have a MASSIVE VARIETY of different kinds of Hard Limits. You would ask what is the Exact Nature of the person’s limits, because THAT INFORMATION IS TRULY USEFUL. Phrasing it into a Black & White dichotomy, a Yes or No question is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.

Knowing the VARIETY of ways that Polyamory can manifest in a healthy fashion (PLUS the realities of all the non-sanctioned non-monogamous activities that occur as a result of bad communication and dishonest reporting) means that asking someone the black & white question, “Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous?” is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.

THE RIGHT QUESTIONS and HOW YOU ASK THEM:

WHAT NEEDS TO BE ASKED are questions that, JUST LIKE NEGOTIATING with a new Dom or sub, help you discover the Exact Nature of the person’s desires, limits (both Hard and Soft), and EXACT PROCLIVITIES when it comes to the subject of expressing ANY form of sexuality that involves others.

It might be safer to say that there are TWO GOOD QUESTIONS:
1) “Are you a believer in and do you desire Hardcore, Hardline, True & Total Monogamy (at the absolute far end of the spectrum)?”
For the sake of brevity, perhaps Question #1 could be abbreviated:
“Are you a practitioner of Hardcore Monogamy?”

If the answer is NO (especially since quite often the HONEST answer would tend to be No, though again I think that if Hardcore, Hardline, True & Total Monogamy is your desire that you SHOULD stick to your beliefs and pursue finding that special someone who can truly reciprocate that back to you), then the second and MAIN QUESTION that is the RIGHT QUESTION TO ASK is:

2) “HOW do you express your polyamory?”
i.e. which of the 45 or more ways are YOUR ways?
or simply, “What is your preferred STYLE of Polyamory?”

THIS QUESTION will get you MUCH MUCH closer to seeing if the WIDE VARIETY of Styles Of Polyamorous Play line up for the two of you, where there may need to be some negotiation, where limits may be encountered, etc.

CASE IN POINT:

— THE WRONG QUESTION is about making a BLIND and IGNORANT JUDGEMENT CALL based on generally FALSE INFORMATION and REDUCTIONISTIC THINKING. The BLACK & WHITE thinking of the WRONG QUESTION only really ends up placing limitations on YOURSELF. The FUNDAMENTALISM of the WRONG QUESTION flies in the face and DENIES the basic prescript of intelligent NEGOTIATION (r.e. styles of poly play), a prescript required at the very foundation of healthy BDSM. Bottom Line – Fundamentalist Thinking and BDSM do NOT tend to make good bedfellows.

— THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, on the other hand, are an INTELLIGENT INVESTIGATION into your prospective new partner’s beliefs in an area as wide as discerning their preferred Fetishes. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS glean intelligent DETAILS of how they HONESTLY tend to proceed. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS set a person at ease, as they show that you understand that there are MANY ways to express Polyamorous activity. It shows you respect the individual take on the topic, just as you would respect someone’s individual take on BDSM, even if their preference is not your preference. LIKE BDSM, knowing someone’s Preference allows for Healthy Negotioation. When you acknowledge the SPECTRUM of possibilities by asking the RIGHT QUESTIONS, you OPEN DOORS and CREATE OPPORTUNITIES to explore and enjoy additional forms of mutually satisfying activities. You and your prospective new partner are then communicating in a way that is Honest, Forthright and, if the negotiation in this area is successful, may well contain additional ways for the two of you to have fun and explore together.

THE WRONG QUESTION or the RIGHT QUESTIONS.
Take your pick.

THE END RESULT:

Asking the RIGHT QUESTIONS will give people a SUPERIOR Understanding of the REALITIES of the vast world of GENUINE Human Sexuality (not just the parts that get a heap of dishonest lip service).

So next time someone asks you, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” tell them “That’s The Wrong Question,” and send them to read this article.

Or as I tell people jokingly nowadays who insist on asking me The Wrong Question:
“Its best if you think of me as Polyamorous although I cannot promise you that I am ever going to have sex with anyone else.”

EDIT:
Just a quick note to reiterate that the main article above, “Monogamy vs Polyamory – THE WRONG QUESTION” is not so much intended to be any kind of massive defense for the cause of Polyamory, as much as open the minds of people to re-think the concept of Monogamy in light of the REALITIES of what so-called “Monogamy” generally tends to ACTUALLY entail. Juxtaposing this with the VAST MISCONCEPTIONS about Polyamory, my goal is that people should have their eyes opened to the FULL SPECTRUM of activity and preferences that are available. I would like to see the ABSOLUTE END of the single, closed-minded, black & white question, “Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous” and have that question permanently replaced with a superior and intensely more comprehensive set of questions that truly tune-in to where an individual’s preferences lay on the SPECTRUM of possibilities. Making the Wide Parameters of that Spectrum cleanly apparent is a large part of the purpose of the article. It is NOT my intention to say that any one point on that spectrum, neither the extreme ends of the spectrum nor any of the numerous places in the middle, are better or more correct than any other point or preference.

Its all about Being Honest With Yourself.

You can contact Arcane through The Crow Academy and read more advice and writings here. Follow Arcane @CrowAcademy as well as on Facebook. His new book Igniting the Fire is available now on Amazon.

Pre-scene Preparation

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Welcoming partner

In our post-Fifty Shades world, there is confusion (caused, I think, by the movie itself) as to where and how “negotiations” take place between potential partners. Although, for box-office reasons, the film emphasizes slave contract negotiations, in my experience this would occur only after some scening, so both partners know whether they are actually compatible. (No, you don’t walk into a hardware store and “pick a slave.”) And when you first begin to scene, pre-scene preparation is critical.

Pre-scene preparation. When it comes to BDSM, this is often the most overlooked aspect of all play. There are volumes written about sub-space, flogging and the best way to wield the bull whip. But, rarely is a word written about the importance of pre-scene preparation to the success of a BDSM scene. This article is addressed to the Top, since the Top is charged with the responsibility of orchestrating the scene.

There are many things a Dominant must be aware of when performing a scene. He/she must be conscious of the tendencies of the submissive, know the amount of pain that the sub can take and be aware when the submissive has entered sub-space. The Dom/me must constantly monitor the submissive for signs of distress; after all, one should not simply depend on the safe word to determine when enough is enough. He/she must understand the importance of aftercare. But, aside from being an expert during the scene, he/she should be an expert before the scene! Let’s get specific here.

The physical interaction of the instrument (hand, rope, flogger, cane, etc.) and the bottom’s body are but one aspect that determines the arc of the scene. The other, and even more important, determinant of the scene is the mental state of the submissive. Before playing, the primary aim of the Dominant should be to inspire confidence and relax the submissive, so that tension and apprehension are banished from the submissive’s mind. Thus, even before the scene starts, the submissive is already in the head space that is most receptive to the Dominant’s play. The psychological ability of the submissive to become a receptive bottom is often determined long before the submissive puts on the cuffs and is tied to the St. Andrews Cross.

The aim of most scenes (other than an abduction scene, for example) should be to start the sub off in a stress-free and trusting psychic condition. Ideally, the submissive should have the same faith in the Dominant’s abilities as he/she would have with a skilled surgeon. You might say a skilled Dom/me has a good “bedside manner” – or, more precisely, a good “dungeonside manner.” First among these is the ability to inspire confidence in the submissive.

You should start with a very open line of communication in the pre-scene negotiations. It is here where the psychological setup of the scene truly begins. There should not be even the slightest hint of an adversarial relationship here. Respecting limits without question is a wonderful way to start. (You can start pushing limits once you develop a rapport with a submissive after a number of scenes.) You should make the scene seem to be one of partnership; even if you are the Top, a team approach puts the submissive at ease. Most importantly, listen. A good Dom/me is a good listener. The Dominant should use the information the submissive provides to plan the scene in such a way that the submissive can’t wait to do it. A little salesmanship and enthusiasm will go a long way in putting the submissive into a very cooperative head space.

A pre-scene instruction talk won’t hurt either. For example, stress that you want him/her to breathe deeply and rhythmically during the scene. Tell him/her that you will stress this from time to time during play. This will accomplish two things. One, deep rhythmic breathing is very important in any scene where pain, even light pain, is involved. Two, it will stress that you are an expert in areas other than just using a flogger – that you grasp other aspects of a scene besides just the mechanical ones. This, too, inspires belief in you.

Finally, don’t skip mentioning the safe word. Even if you are playing at a dungeon where the house rules include “red” as a safe word, you should make sure the submissive knows you have his/her safety as your prime consideration. What better way to stress this by emphasizing that you will be always watching for her safe word or safe signal? Even if you plan on playing lightly where the odds of her safe-ing are infinitesimal, the “safe word pre-scene talk” will work wonders at calming your sub’s psyche.

If you use the “pre-scene negotiation” talk as an opportunity to both better understand your submissive and also put her/him into a super-receptive headspace, rather than just as a way to learn his/her limits, you will be going into your scene with a huge head start. And a great scene is…well…a great scene. There is nothing like it!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Top Ten Submissive Desires

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KW-1_024
Once again we wander into the province of a Cosmo style article.

Cosmo style notwithstanding, I think this article is an important – and fun — read for Dom/mes of all levels. After all, one should have a rough idea what most sub’s want before you attempt to close the deal – whether it is for a one-nighter or a more permanent arrangement.

For this article, I have interviewed a group of subs, both male and female, at Los Angeles’s famed private dungeon, Lair DeSade. This compilation will concentrate on personal aspects; in a subsequent piece I will annotate the most popular play needs.

This list is in order of the popularity of the answers. None were mentioned by everyone except one – “honesty.” Yet, “honesty” does not appear on this list. Why? Because I considered it too obvious an answer. It is like the “no children” hard limit – everyone agrees on it. Thus, I felt it did not shed enough light on the subject. Another popular answer, “pushing limits,” is omitted because I felt it belonged in the “play” list.

By the way, this list is great for both Dominants and submissives alike. So, without further adieu, the envelope please!

1. I want a Dom/me who listens. Many subs are reticent about expressing their needs. Thus, they would like a Dom/me who listens carefully when they do express themselves. There is nothing worse than having to repeat yourself – especially for a submissive. When you have to “hint” again and again, it can border on “topping.” A Dom/me who is a good listener, and takes what the submissive says into consideration before making decisions, gets a big plus in any sub’s book. No matter what you think of “Fifty Shades,” Christian was a good listener.

2. I want a Dom/me who doesn’t listen. Say what? Didn’t BaadMaster say just the opposite one paragraph ago? Not really. What I am stating here is that a submissive doesn’t want a Dom/me who does everything he/she wants. After all, the Top would then become the bottom! The submissive regularly needs to know that the Dom/me can and will do things that please only the Dom/me – for whatever reason. How often is open to debate; it will surely depend on the relationship. But there is no doubt that a submissive craves those times when the Dominant is just that – Dominant!

3. I want a Dom/me who laughs. This was also a surprisingly universal wish. The stereotypical stern Master who rules with an iron fist seems acceptable for a session. But, as a lifestyle Dominant, most submissives rejected this out of hand. Taking this lifestyle too seriously – and making laughter a forbidden activity – seemed a prospect most submissives reject. Maybe Carrot Top as his/her Dom (although his name has “Top” in it!) is not a submissive’s dream; but then neither is someone who eats nails for breakfast – and never smiles. (Would you, if you ate nails?)

4. I want a Dom/me who follows through. Since the Top is in control, he/she should not disappoint the submissive by promising something and then not delivering. A Dom/me who actually makes the effort to follow through gets high marks from every submissive I have talked to.

5. Gimme a break. Of those who were in an actual D/s relationship, most listed the need for regular breaks from serving as a prime need. This one caught me off guard; I never expected this answer. But it seems that all subs need time off from being a submissive on a recurring basis. I cannot speculate exactly why this need seems so ubiquitous among those in LTR liaisons, but it seems that all Dom/mes should take this surprising desire into consideration.

6. Consistency. When it comes to Dominance, consistency seems to be an attribute that is absolutely essential. A minor infraction on Wednesday should not become a major infraction on Friday. The submissive must know what is and what is not expected by her Master/Mistress – especially if there is a “slave contract.” If this changes at the drop of a hat, all is pretty much lost. Consistency in all other matters is also a critical need. If the Dom/me praises the submissive for something – and then criticizes him/her for the same thing another time – the sub will be driven crazy. Respect can go out the window on this one.

7. Unpredictability. I don’t write ‘em, I just report ‘em! At first glance, this desire seems at odds with the previous one, “consistency.” But, upon closer analysis, the two are actually complementary. On one hand, the Top must bring a degree of consistency to his/her training methods; on the other hand, he/she must introduce the element of surprise to keep the relationship from becoming boring. This is a semi-vanilla concept, one that you would read about in, duh, Cosmo. Nevertheless, it works here.

8. I want to be appreciated. Again, this was a pretty universal desire. Almost every submissive wanted to feel appreciated for the effort he/she makes. And make no mistake about it, being a good submissive – although it should fun – also entails work. And if this is taken for granted – or worse, denigrated – the submissive will not be a happy camper.

9. I want to feel unique. I guess everyone wants to feel special. And submissives are no exception. Personalized rituals, play that is designed specifically for the sub and a feeling that the Dom/me is not using a “one size fits all” cookie-cutter approach are essential needs of most bottoms. After all, who wants a McDom/me?

10. I want a Dom/me with a good reputation. This desire was mentioned only by those subs who were into public play. Everyone in this “subgroup” (pun intended!) wanted a Dom/me who was held in high esteem in the BDSM community. Although this was the specific desire of the smallest number of subs (thus it is listed last), I would advise all Dominants to guard their reputations, because you never know when it will come into play.

These ten seem to be the most important desires of those submissives interviewed. Of course, one size does not fit all. But, I think this list gives you a good overview of what most submissives really want!

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Resource: BDSM negotiation checklist

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BDSM negotiation checklist preview
BDSM negotiation checklist

This is a companion resource to Jenn’s excellent article about BDSM negotiation, and the first in a planned series of free BDSM resources for our readers.

When I was negotiating play with new play partners in the past, I thought I would look for a template online which set out various types of BDSM play so that I could go through and cover all bases by checking things off the list. To my dismay, I couldn’t find anything! Well, nothing good anyway.

So, I went ahead and made one. I have used it as part of negotiation with a number of different play partners now. I find it very handy, and it ensures that neither person “forgets” something that should be discussed – either a hard limit, soft limit, or indeed if something is a fantasy.

It might be overkill to use this for negotiating a short, basic scene for pick-up play at a dungeon. But, if you are planning a longer scene or expect to play with a new someone more than once, then the great thing is you can get everything down on paper and then refer back to it later.

There a few different ways that you can use the checklist. You might print it off and then go through it together as part of a negotiation conversation (either in person or on the phone), making notes on the paper as you go. Or, you could email it to your play partner and have them fill it out and send back to you. I typically stress that they should answer based on what they are ok with doing with me in the immediate future. Which might of course be different to what they are with doing with someone else, or with me at some point further down the road.

Generally, it is most important for a submissive / bottom to be clear on their feelings about the items on the list. And that is for the simple reason that the Dom / top is the one in charge and leading the scene, aren’t likely to cross any of their own limits in the process. However, it could still be useful as an extra element of communication for a Dom / top to also complete this for their play partner. It will help provide a better sense of the types of play that each person likes and is looking for.

Of course, not every possible kind of play is included on the list. I left off some of the more advanced edge play activities, and some more specialized kinks – you might leave those to discuss and plan once you have played a few times. But it’s a pretty good general starting point for BDSM play, and you can tailor it to your own needs from there.

You can find the negotiation checklist here.

Remember, negotiate any play activities well in advance of a scene. Find out about any health issues, limits and triggers you should be aware of. And even your play partner said they are ok with something in a negotiation, they still have the right to change their mind and / or use their safeword at any time.

Do you use a checklist for your negotiation? What do you think about mine? Let me know your comments below.

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

“Trigger” is just a word

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woman handcuffed

So earlier today I was at my local MAsT meeting. Side note: for those that don’t know what this is, it stands for Masters And slaves Together. It is a monthly discussion group focused on the M/s dynamic. Today’s topics were wonderful as always and I could probably write more than one article based on the entire meeting. However, I am going to focus on one part of the discussion that I found very insightful.

The person leading the discussion (not going to name them due to the fact I have not asked permission to do so) said that they didn’t like the word “trigger”. They went on to explain that this is because they’re experience with partners using the word trigger led them to a wall being put up. As in, “Don’t trigger me. That will trigger me and I don’t want to be triggered.” I realized that how I use and view triggers is very different and this was an enlightening moment.
Let me step back for a minute and explain first, that the word trigger can be used to describe something that incites a positive or negative reaction, emotionally and/or psychologically. For the purpose of this article I am using it to describe the negative reactions. An example of this is something like your partner is being silly and grabs your nose. In your past an abusive partner used to grab your nose and squeeze until you couldn’t breathe and it hurt. You have an automatic emotional response. Perhaps you swat your partners hand away and angrily yell at them to stop. Your partner is honestly just trying to be cute and is confused and hurt by your response.

Now – if you use the word trigger to avoid the issue or avoid personal growth, as the MAsT leader was accustomed to experiencing, then perhaps you tell your partner that grabbing your nose is a negative trigger and to never do it again. While this may lead to never being triggered in that way again, it doesn’t actually contribute to resolving it. It also doesn’t let your current partner “in”. You are putting up a wall instead.

Instead of treating triggers this way, I suggest using it more as a cue word. By the way, this issue was not an issue of disagreement during the discussion. Only the fact that I disagreed that the word “trigger” itself isn’t bad, it’s the way you use it.

So to use it as a cue, given the same example of the nose grabbing, here is how that might look different. You have the initial emotional reaction – because much of the time when a trigger is unexpected you don’t have much control over that piece. However, the initial response is followed by an open dialogue, transparent communication. A good place to start is by assuring your partner that your response had nothing to do with them, that it was a trigger and they did nothing wrong. The next step is explaining why it’s a trigger, opening up about your history, letting them understand what just happened. The next thing to do is to discuss the level of the trigger and how, or if, you can resolve the trigger.

It’s ok to have steps toward eliminating a trigger and it’s ok if it takes a little time, especially if it’s a strong trigger. It may take an initial period of avoidance followed by small, slow, trigger initiation until you get to the point that the emotional reaction becomes less and less and eventually becomes neutral – perhaps even positive. Your partner assuring you that their intention is positive and nothing to do with your past experiences.

Keep in mind I am giving a very general example of the process. This will need to be customized to your situation. The main point is that triggers shouldn’t be ignored and avoided. The word “trigger” should be seen as a cue that you need to sit down with your partner and work as a team to grow, connect, and hopefully overcome some of the negativity of your past.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Submissive Dilemma

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model red rope

When speaking to relatively new submissives, I have found that many have been introduced to the lifestyle, or at least some of it, via “Fifty Shades.” And with a sequel in the works, chances are many more will be.

Most subs have questions regarding the “slave contract” portion of the movie. Although, in the movie, a contract is offered rather suddenly, with little explanation of exactly what it was (I guess if you have a helicopter, explanations are not required!), the submissives I interviewed wondered exactly what the slave contract procedures – or protocols — are. Time for a little clarification.

The confusion usually arises when a sub initially makes contact with a prospective Dom/Domme. We usually refer to this initial stage as “negotiation.” Typically, the prospective Dom and sub (no more Dom/Domme and he/she; it’s too hard on the eyes!) discuss their BDSM interests, play preferences, hard and soft limits, needs and requirements, etc. It is during these initial stages that a predicament hits many submissives. “Isn’t strongly stating my needs and requirements ‘Topping from the bottom?’” Fear of “Topping from the Bottom” (to be explained in a subsequent article) has stopped many a sub from firmly stating her needs and requirements to a prospective Dominant. What to do?

The answer is actually quite simple and elegant. To put it into a pithy sound bite, “During negotiations, you can’t ‘Top from the bottom’ because you are not yet his bottom.” Even if you are his play bottom, you are not yet his slave so all bets are off negotiation-wise. At this point, you are two equals negotiating a power exchange. The submissive has not ceded any permanent power to the Dominant. Until negotiations are concluded successfully, no power has been exchanged. Pending signing the slave contract, the submissive is free to be as hard-headed a negotiator as LeBron James’s agent.

Another dilemma concerns the timing of slave contracts. While I am a firm believer in slave contracts (there are sample contracts in a previous Kink Weekly article), I found it a bit odd that the fictional Christian bum-rushed his prospective slave into a permanent one. In my universe, a permanent contract – as opposed to a temporary and/or play contract — is usually presented to a slave well after the D/s relationship has started and negotiations concluded; anywhere from two to six months is most common.

Our last dilemma concerns what to do about a slave contract that bears little resemblance to that which you negotiated. Ideally, after negotiations, the “final” contract should not have any surprises. But if the contract demands things you hadn’t consented to, violates your stated hard limits or bears no correlation to protocols you have previously negotiated, this speaks badly of his skills as a Dominant. In this case, you should simply reconsider signing. After all, a contract must be one that you can honor. Signing a contract that you cannot possibly live up to is a prescription for failure.

On the other hand, if there are a few points in the contract – ones you might have agreed to but now have second thoughts about — you must discuss them. Suffering silently is never a good strategy. A good Master will likely amend it if he feels it is in the interest of the relationship.

Every D/s relationship is different; there are no hard and fast rules. In fact, there is no decree that says the contract must be prepared by the Dominant. I personally know a Master who had his slave write her own deed. Is this “Topping from the bottom?” Maybe, maybe not. But who cares, other than the two people involved? The key is to never let protocol get in the way of communication.

Slave contacts can be sexy and exciting, and can build a strong foundation for a great BDSM relationship. Ultimately, honest communication between Master and slave is the best way to conduct any relationship.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Negotiating a BDSM scene

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negotiation chess

SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL – we hear this all the time, but what does it mean? I want to take this opportunity to discuss a portion of this, which is the ‘consensual’ portion. One way to make sure that what you’re doing is consensual is to negotiate.

Negotiating tends to get easier the more you do it. In addition, as you play you will learn more about yourself including more things you need to include when you negotiate a scene. (Negotiating a relationship or D/s dynamic is a whole separate article.) The conundrum is that while you want to cover important things when you negotiate, you also don’t want to negotiate the scene to death. Many scenes are about an exchange of energy and may include elements that the top/D-type doesn’t want to necessarily divulge to the bottom/s-type. This is true especially for players that know each other well, are regular play partners, or in a dynamic/relationship. The negotiation I’m focusing on is the “newbie negotiation”. Assuming you are fairly new to kink or new to your partner, or both. Below is an easy way to remember what should be covered and descriptions for each element.

As I have been teaching the BDSM 101 series I have gone over what should be covered (in general) when negotiating play almost every week. I decided to come up with an easy to remember acronym. They are not necessarily in order of importance, but I had to make it into a “word”!

Negotiation Acronym: S.M.A.S.H.T.

An easy way to remember the basic things that should be covered in a negotiation for play.

S – Safewords
M – Medical
A – Aftercare
S – Soft Limits
H – Hard Limits
T – Triggers

Safewords – sometimes it’s not enough to just agree that the typical “stoplight” system be used (note: if you are using other safewords and playing at a public club, be sure to inform a Dungeon Monitor). “Green” means it’s all good and you are enjoying what’s happening. Most people don’t actually shout “green”! Although that may be kinda funny! Usually giggles or moans are good indicators. “Red” is also pretty straightforward. It means you STOP. Stop whatever is happening and immediately check in with the bottom. I have found that people’s understanding or expectation of “yellow” can vary. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. If the bottom expects the top to simply “lighten up” when they call yellow but the top assumes they should stop and check in (similar to a red with perhaps less urgency) – this may affect the bottoms head space. The bottom should tell the top during negotiation that, “if I call yellow it just means you’re going too hard but don’t stop and talk to me because it will interrupt my head space.”

Medical – not just obvious things like surgeries, joint issues, injuries, etc, but also things like asthma, blood sugar issues, or allergies. Allergies can be food related but also if they have any allergy to natural fiber, you may need to double think about the type of rope you’re using (if any) or if other toys have been stored with rope that can cause a reaction. Also, if there are animal allergies and you have toys made with any kind of fur, etc.

Aftercare – this varies from person to person and possibly scene to scene with the same person. Some people enjoy close snuggling or putting their head in the tops lap while others may need some time alone or to not be touched. (side note – even if they ask to be left alone they should always be somewhere that you can keep an eye on them) Always have water at the ready for both parties and food may be desired as well. If you know you need to eat right after, I suggest having something that you bring so that you are not relying on the club to have food once you’re done playing. Even just throwing a protein bar in your bag is a good back up.

Soft limits – this refers to limits that the bottom isn’t interested in or has concerns about, but are willing to try them or push. This may also include activities that the bottom knows they don’t like, however, is willing to do them from a place of service or submission.

Hard limits – limits that are a no go. Not happening. Nope.

Triggers – psychological or emotional responses that can affect the scene (usually negatively). These can be body positions, for example the bottom may be fine on a cross but if they are bent over furniture it makes them feel too vulnerable or exposed. It can also remind them of childhood punishments and cause a negative response. Verbal triggers, often in the use of humiliation and/or degradation play. The bottom may not be ok with any “negative” talk – only affirmations or positive feedback. They may also be ok with some types of humiliation but not others. For example sexual humiliation is ok but don’t call them anything negative in reference to their intelligence or weight. Certain implements can trigger someone. Perhaps as a child they were hit with a belt as punishment. For some they may seek out belts for impact due to this experience OR it may become a negative trigger/reminder. Particular parts of the body is something else to consider. You can have a bottom who is a heavy masochist that you can do almost anything to…..except don’t touch their feet! (for example) Maybe you have to stay away from face slapping due to it triggering memories of past abuse, or their stomach due to insecurities, etc.

All of the above should be discussed with concern for both parties. The top may have medical issues or triggers that the bottom should be aware of, both should be on the same page as far as safewords and limits, and the top may have their own requests for aftercare!

Also, make sure you understand the intention of the scene. I know two people that did a full negotiation – listed all the things they both liked – then as they began, realized they BOTH assumed they were the Top! Decide together if this is more of a casual, teaching scene. Perhaps one or both of you are looking for experience but not necessarily power exchange. Do you want it to have a certain energy? Energy of the scene isn’t always something you can control, and in my opinion it’s usually best when you don’t try to, however, if one person is looking for a very sensual energy and the other desires a more strict and disciplined energy that’s good to know up front.

You may need to add to this depending on the type of play or intensity of the scene – but this should cover all your basics.

I hope this helps!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.

What do you think is important in negotiating a scene?