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This week in kink: July 26, 2021

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Don’t miss Mistress Eva’s kinky travel guide from Flipboard!

Check out this awesome advice about BDSM dating sites from Vents Magazine!

Harry Potter apparently has a naughty side! Click below to find out more about 17 NSFW things that transpired at Hogwarts from Buzz Feed!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Identifying as a Submissive: What does that mean?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This afternoon, I had a good discussion (online) with one of my readers, who was challenging the notion  that the definition of submission must come from the dominant. In his challenge, he stated that this  statement excludes people who self-identify as submissives who do not have a dominant to serve. As far  as the discussion goes, I stand firmly with my statement – however, his point got me thinking about  “self-identification” as a submissive and what that really means. 

The process of self-identification is an important part of today’s gender and sexuality discussions. It is an  effective tool to break through predefined constructs and to open the door to more open thinking. I do,  however, feel it’s rapidly becoming overused, particularly when it’s applied in ways that go beyond the  gender discussion. You can identify as a lot of things…but sometimes calling yourself something doesn’t really make you that. 

In BDSM and D/s circles, people self-identify a lot. You have people who declare their preferences by  labeling themselves. Words like “dominant”, “submissive”, “fetishist”, etc., are thrown about without  real definition. Even the words “Submission” and “Dominance” can mean different things to different people, so calling oneself a “Dominant” or “Submissive” only has meaning when we understand what  dominance and submission mean to that person. Having a “fetish” actually has a dictionary definition,  

but modern usage has thrown away the clinical meaning in favor of “This REALLY makes me hot!”. Since  there is no credentialing system, people are free to declare themselves “Dominant of the world” and no  one can really argue. In reality, the labels are meaningless – but they bring a sense of belonging and  inclusion to folks, so why not? 

Getting back to the basis of the discussion, how can you define submission without a dominant?  

I searched for an analogy to support my point and I arrived at a reasonable one: A man who REALLY  enjoys cooking and feels he’s good at it, decides to self-identify as “A Chef”. Let’s say he only cooks for  himself at this point. In my mind, this self-identification is closely analogous to the man who really likes  the idea of submitting and calls himself “A Submissive” – although a submissive doesn’t submit to himself. 

My self-identified “Chef” doesn’t have anyone to cook for at this point. Can he really be a chef? Would  you hire him to cook for you? 

My assertion is that self-identifying as a Chef is a statement of your passion. It’s your preference and  “identity” and it means that you want to cook. I further assert, however, that when this person is hired  to cook for someone, the recipesthat are needed are subject to the tastes and preferences of the  person. What KIND of chef does that person need / prefer: a meat chef; a fish chef; a pastry chef; a sauce chef? Until you know what type of chef is desired – or what type of recipes the person for whom  you are cooking prefers, you can’t define the content of the food that will satisfy them. You might be a  “chef”, but you don’t know what you’re cooking until you know what’s ordered!

Self-identifying as a submissive is all well and good as a statement of preference and identity…but until  you have someone to submit to, you can’t define submission. Submission, since it’s tied to what you are  doing for another person, requires that other person to be there. You can’t submit to nothing.  Submission must be received as submissionto be realized. If you doubt that, ask the myriad of folks who  are frustrated trying to submit to a partner who won’t accept their efforts from a position of dominance or who are unfulfilled with “stealth-submission” because the meaning is missing without reception. Can  you identify as a submissive without submitting to anyone? I suppose you can, but there isn’t really any definition in that label. 

In fact, trying to define it without a partner can be detrimental. I have met a lot of folks who try to  define submission without consideration for a specific partner. They have preconceived notions of what  submission is and what dominance looks like. They create their own challenges by doing this. Very often,  they talk about “finding compatibility” (usually in the context of NOT being able to find a compatible  partner), which is really a colloquialism for “trying to find someone who has defined submission the  same way that they did”, which, if you really think about it, is basically confirming that the dominant is  the one setting the definition of submission, it’s just that they happen to want the same! 

BTW: These are often the same folks who accuse their partners of not being “dominant enough”… or … “not knowing how to dominate” or “needing training in how to dominate” or any number of other  inappropriate attacks. Don’t be that guy. 

There is also the notion that someone will be a good submissive because they are “experienced”. What  does that mean in the context of a new dominant; with new preferences, tastes, and desires? I’d buy  into it if they said, “I’ll make a good submissive because I have experience adapting to how people  define submission to them. My skill is learning and adapting.” THAT statement, I’d believe. But thinking  that they’d be a good submissive for dominant ‘B’ because they served dominant ‘A’ doesn’t fly. 

So, self-identification as a submissive is fine. Identity is important and preferences are important. If the  label means something to you, use it. However, defining submission without a dominant to serve is  folly. If your goal is to serve your dominant, you need to allow that dominant to define what serves  them. Then you know what “dish” is required of you and you can work to deliver that. 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

This week in kink: July 19, 2021

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Don’t miss this awesome sex furniture from BuzzFeed!

Best Sex Chairs And Furniture For Getting Down In 2021 (buzzfeed.com)

Interested in breath play?

Then, check out this informative article about some major breath play do’s and don’t’s from Women’s Health!

What Is Breath Play? Experts Explain The BDSM Practice (womenshealthmag.com)

In a long distance relationship?

Want to spice up your sex life?

Then, check out these sexy BDSM texts from Elite Daily!

How To Send A BDSM Text That’ll Give Your Partner A Kinky Thrill (elitedaily.com)

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

What’s The Difference Between An Orgy and A Gang Bang?

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Gang Bang – one person is the central focus with several others fucking that person.Most people think of one room, one chick (guest of honor), and a buncha dudes. But there are gangbang nights at venues, with numerous women in attendance. They hit one of the beds at varying times through the evening. Some of the men will participate in more than one group.Most people also think the center person must be surrounded by partners with all the hands and mouths working. Personally, I prefer the “train” method. One after the other, take a number and form a line.The woman picks her crew, hits a bed, has her fun, and they all leave the bed when they’re done. The sheet is changed and ready for another group. The same woman may pick another crew and go at it again, two or three times, or more.While the party may last four or five hours, I’ve not personally seen any group encounter last much more than twenty minutes, for some reason. 

Orgy — “Do people walk into an orgy expecting anyone can do anything to them or that they can do anything to anyone?”
I’ve never seen an orgy at which anyone could do anything they wanted to anyone else. Consent still matters and, as I said, the events I’ve been to have been mostly heterosexual affairs. Bisexual men and women may be in attendance, but I’ve not personally seen man on man, woman on woman action. Or a woman pegging a man.

Sidebar: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Just that I’ve not seen it at the parties I’ve attended. (I’ve been to three venues and countless individual parties in the last four out of five years. The scene was put on hold for the plague.) Some venues have multiple rooms. I can’t be everywhere at once.I don’t attend bisexual or lesbian events, and heterosexual men aren’t interested in seeing man on man action. If there’s bi-action to be had, the het-men want to see two women together. Single het-men are the largest demographic at the parties I’ve attended. Since they pay the most to get in, they are the ones funding the party and making the promoter rich. Women are usually free to get in. If women were charged to get in, few would attend. (It’s called Gender Pricing.)If women don’t attend, there’s no party. 

Consent & Rules — Just because you’re in the big bed with 10 people doesn’t mean everyone can touch, fuck, suck, and lick every body part that comes within reach. Check the rules of the party before you attend. If you still aren’t sure, contact the organizer. Everyone has to mind your manners and ASK if they can touch. If they can suck. If they can fuck. If they can lick. If a couple is already going at it, you have to ask if you can join in. Some parties have a rule not to approach if people are already engaged, to wait until they are done and have left the bed to ask the woman if she would like to play with you. If you ask and the answer is no, then you don’t do that thing. Nor do you ask again. The answer was no. There’s no badgering allowed. There may be two or three beds pushed together to make a large surface, but there are also usually beds off to the side for those who don’t want to be on the big bed. A couple might have their play apart from the group. There’s no rule that everyone at an orgy has to be playing on the same bed or together. An orgy could also be a bunch of couples playing on separate beds. The definitions say: “wild or drunken festivity or revelry, especially involving sex with multiple participants” or “indiscriminate sex”. If we are to strictly follow the definitions, none of the “orgies” I’ve been to have been orgies. Because not everyone is drunk, and it’s not really that wild. It’s all rather orderly and not all that indiscriminate. They’re remarkably vanilla, straightforward sex with very little or no kink or SM activity, even when the venue itself is SM positive.
Excerpt from: The upcoming book Questions Frequently Asked About BDSM


Entering Back Into The Scene

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As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit.  As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware  that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier.  So here goes: 

  1. Go Slow.  My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play.  And this +approach would  apply to the bottoms/subs too.  Like it or not, subs can be very demanding.  So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical
  1. Opportunity knocks..  If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM. 
  1. Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store.  It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
  2. Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
  3. Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
  4. Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
  5. Don’t call it a comeback!  (Thanks, LL!)  Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare!  Better to look foolish than be foolish.
  1. Read our archives.  There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play.  But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness,  use this chance to be…inventive!!!  

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

This week in kink news: July 12, 2021

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Don’t miss reading about a four day long, Covid-compliant sex festival in England!

Click below to read more from GRM daily!

https://grmdaily.com/swingers-sex-festival-covid-compliant/

Be sure to check out Caroline’s story of becoming an orgasm coach from Echo!

Click below to find out more!

Tune in to see if Netflix’s Bonding has been renewed or canceled!

Click below to read more from TVShowsAce!

‘Bonding’ Season 3: Canceled Or Renewed By Netflix?

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Kink and Managing a Disability or Chronic Illness

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I have always known life was unfair. We see examples of it everyday; I experienced and have observed it here in the US and many countries abroad. Fair is in August at the fairgrounds, there is no promise of it anywhere else. Knowing this, it should not have been a shock when my charmed life was upended almost two years ago by this principle.

Before I go much further, this article is not going to be about how you should or should not let your disability get you down, what you should or should not do in kink regarding it….. It is about me, and my challenges. Hopefully by letting you read about them (for the normal folk) you will be a bit more patient toward us gimped up people. For those of you who do face challenges, maybe you can find some humor and hope.

But I digress. 

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One morning I woke up and had no control over the left side of my body, had a hard time focusing or forming words, part of my tongue was numb, and half blind. Obviously, my better half was concerned especially since I struggled for a half hour to get myself together for work, like a dumb ass. After Nibbles threatened to knock me down and call an ambulance I relented and went to the hospital willingly. 

Honestly, at that point, I thought I had a stroke. 

The First Week

You guessed it, lots of tests: after several MRIs, CAT Scans, blood tests, an EKG, and two ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The neurologist put me on some high-octane drugs and steroids through an IV and I spent 5 days in the hospital. Time enough to contemplate and fear just how much my life had suddenly changed. Including kink. I was afraid I would never walk again, let alone be able to guide a needle or throw a flogger. The pit of despair I was falling into was immense. If it had not been for Nibbles and one other, I think I would have given up right then.

They reminded me I had a life to get back to no matter how that looked on the back side. We would figure it out and find our new normal. 

Getting My Feet Back Under Me

The first few months at home I began to get back most of the motor function I had lost. Weaker than I had been before, but able to get things done with a cane and taking extra time. Movement was still slow, delayed. I remember one morning looking at my coffee sitting on the dining room table thinking my way through picking the cup up and taking a drink. Gone were the days, at least for a while, where I could just respond to my desire for that liquid. Everything was now a process. 

And apparently, while I was not looking, I had become as fragile as a Faberge Egg. Every movement watched, being completely catered to, and my attempts to help out being rebuffed. I was allowed to do almost nothing for myself and I did not have the strength at the moment to fight it. So for once in my life, I did as I was told. At the time it was a great source of butt hurt for me. Now I have to look back and laugh at this sudden role reversal between myself and Nibbles. She was now in charge, taking on the dominant lead, and took the phrase mother hen to a whole new dimension.

Slowly I improved and over time I got back to more normal activities, well normal for me. Practicing with a flogger to see if I still could, a single tail, as well as other toys. Hell, I was not allowed to mow the lawn so might as well beat a pillow or two! And I did. 

I found that I could passably work with my right hand with some effort. Florentine was completely out of the question and working from my left, we’ll just say I resembled a penguin with palsy. Even I had to laugh. But I kept practicing.

Tigers Hate Cages…..Even if They Are Gilded Ones

The first time back to the club, I might as well have stayed home! NOBODY would let me do anything but sit. Playing was not happening as a rotation of hens, now a squad strong, made sure my glass was never empty, my plate always had a “healthy” choice on it, and companionship was never more than twelve inches away. Now under normal circumstances, this might sound like I had hit the jackpot. Died and gone to heaven. Even to this day I am appreciative for all their help (that night and many others). In the moment, I was frustrated. 

The big cat had finally made it back to his part of the jungle to be told he could not hunt. Doing the only thing I could, I put on a pleasant face and entertained those around me. From sunset until nearly three in the morning, I talked about whatever came to mind or was of interest. By the end of the night my voice was horse and throat so sore I wanted to jam a popsicle down my neck and leave it there. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the ladies who like to spend hours at a glory hole. Troopers one and all.

OK, So I Was Wrong – Changing My Perspective

If it is not apparent, to escape my coddled purgatory I needed to change how I approached things so those around me, acting out of a deep sense of care, would allow me to do what I do. Without hurting their feelings. I worked long and hard at home practicing with a couple of different floggers to make sure I was proficient enough to not embarrass myself or hurt someone. Finally satisfied with my progress, I talked to Nibbles and one of my play partners about setting up a scene that weekend. 

I do not think I have ever, in my life, had to run such a gauntlet consisting of the number of variations and iterations of the question, “are you sure?” in my life. 

I would rather have gone back through a military promotion board being grilled by senior non-commissioned officers for three days than repeat that hour or so of the concerned looks and expressions of uncertainty. I was certain, I was ready, and damn it……. If they let me….. I was going to do it. Thankfully, they relented. I had a date!

I realized though all that was happening, I was going to effectively earn their trust all over again. Not that they did not think me capable, kind of, but they did not want me to take on too much too soon and somehow goof myself up again. 

Friday night came and off to the club we went. On the 30-minute ride Nibbles made sure to remind me as often as every other mile marker not to overexert myself, to keep drinking water, and that it was ok to stop and sit down if things got too much. Bless her heart, really. I think she was way more nervous about my scene than I was. Being the legend in my own mind, I was focused on making my chosen bottom cherry red from her shoulders down.

What really happened was I did overextend myself. I had a great time doing it, but the bottom was more concerned with how I was doing the entire time than just being in the moment. I think I spent more energy redirecting her back into position and to focus than I did swinging the floggers. No matter, I was back. All uphill from there. Just nobody told me it was going to be five miles, barefoot, in the snow, and into a headwind.

Yes, I was going to have to earn their trust again. So, in the moment they could focus and not worry that I might collapse into a pile of unresponsive goo. How?

Learning to Just Be Me Again – With a Twist

The problem was not theirs it was mine for the most part. They had every reason to worry because I was not displaying the self confidence in myself needed to inspire their confidence in me. I had to set aside the thoughts of what I could not do well anymore, and focus on what I could, as well as find new ways to function. That included kink.

The next several months were focused on what I could relearn, building a different muscle memory, or new ways to do old things. Short play sessions to put theories into practice and help reconnect with Nibbles and other play partners. Giving them an opportunity to relearn me also and show them I was not just trying to be better, I was getting better.

The more I worked on myself and worked with them, my self confidence grew and returned. They worried less about my physical state and started to enjoy play with me again. I rediscovered the joy in it. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks.

A Weird Blessing in Disguise

No, I am not the person I was before MS reared its ugly head. But what am I going to do? Give it back? There is nothing to do but be the best me regardless of the circumstance. I would like to think, in some perverse way it pushed me to be a better top and dominant, even though different. It forced me to look at myself, kink, and my partners in a new way. Shoving me out of complacent patterns allowing me to be more creative. 

The support of Nibbles, and everyone else around me, gave me purpose to push myself harder. Certainly, I could not have done it without them and their encouragement. As annoying as it might have been at times, I could not have asked for a better life partner and friends.

When it all first hit, I lost faith in myself. I doubted what I could do and if I could do. However, I learned as long as I kept pushing forward, the details would take care of themselves. That to claw my way back I needed to trust myself again so my partners could trust and confidence in me.

Living in a 24/7 TPE Dynamic

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I live with my collared slut. She and I have a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE). This means that at all  times she chooses to submit to me. Our dynamic is sex forward. So, one aspect of our dynamic is that at  any time, I am free to use her sexually. Our dynamic is kink forward as well. What this means is that at  any time, I am free to do anything I wish to her in any kink context that I choose. Naturally, she is not a  slave, and she has agency, and she has given me her consent. Naturally, I would never do anything to  her or with her that ignored or violated her hard limits. I say “naturally” because all kink dynamics are based on trust.  

When I made the choice to seek a submissive partner to live in a 24/7 TPE, I did so after exploring a wide  range of kink scenes with an array of submissive women. While I was quite happy with the kink, the sex  itself was unfulfilling and I became present to the fact that for me, what was missing was the intimacy of  romantic partnership. In my exploration of kink, I learned some things about myself. What sort of  fetishes I had and which ones I wanted to explore further and so when I began my search, I had a list of  “must haves” and list of “I’d like to have” considerations.  

For example, I knew that I was seeking an obedient submissive masochist who was herself seeking a  24/7 TPE. She needed to into or at least open to my entire fetish list. That was the start of the adventure.  

I wrote a “seeking post” that posted in all the personal’s on Fetlife in the local and nearby cities. Almost  immediately, I received many inquiries from women and I met a few of them. One woman in particular  got my attention. Her questions seemed genuine and her curiosity authentic. We messaged for months,  spoke once or twice and then, I gave her a task to assess both her obedience and masochism. What I did was I asked her to attempt to orgasm with ginger in her ass. It was smore than that, but that was the gist  of it. Not only did she do so, but she orgasmed 3 times and then she sat in a Nadu pose with the ginger  inserted and experienced an out of body moment. That task had me anxious to meet her.  

We met in person at a restaurant and in the very first moments of our meeting, she made the choice to  submit to me. Before we even spoke. My dominant nature, my way of being, my pheromones,  whatever, something in her was triggered and she chose me to gift herself to.  

Over the next few months, she worked to get complete in her separation and file for divorce (something  that was occurring regardless of my interactions with her. Eventually, when she had taken steps to  formally separate, she put herself forward to be claimed.  

In claiming her, I would mark her inside and out as my own submissive. We had talked about this, and it  took courage to put herself as a new kinkster, in the hands of a sadist. The Claiming Ceremony involved  being chained, marked with a cane, having me piss in her ass and down her throat.  

That began a journey of exploration as we explored many different scenes and kinks of a wide variety of  alternatives, to get our kink in alignment. She is very obedient and she does everything I ask. Then after  we play, we debrief and we assess if we should do that again, more intensely, less intensely or not at all.  

Communication in a kink dynamic is probably the most important aspect of our kink and, in truth, you  could say that our favorite fetish is communication. You would not be wrong. I’ll say one important thing about communication between a Dom and a sub. There are times when we need to set aside our  dynamic and talk as equals. This is important because as I noted at the outset, she has agency.  

Before long, she moved in with me and we started to explore living together in a kink dynamic. Not long  after that, we started talking about collaring her. We made the choice to delay the collaring itself until  she had created the space she needed to create a new relationship by getting complete with her  divorce. This is an important consideration. In order to be able to commit herself to me, she needed to  be divorced completely. I needed her to be able to give me her full attention, and with the background  noise of an ongoing divorce she did not have the mindset nor the space to put her attention on  something brand new. And as soon as her divorce was done and she was complete, we began to plan  her collaring ceremony in earnest.  

We took collaring seriously. We wrote our statements out so we would not forget what we wanted to  say and she kneeled in a circle of candle lights and white rose petals as we started the ceremony by  being with each other. We sat there staring into each other’s eyes, silently, or perhaps 5 minutes. We  said what there was to say and then we created an intense and prolonged scene to mark the occasion.  

It was a beautiful private ceremony that bound us in our kink.  

What has happened since then is that we have become closer, more connected and more aligned than ever.  

The best aspect of being in a kink dynamic is what we call “The Rabbit Hole”. Why kink is like a rabbit  hole is that it takes twists and turns and we discover new things about ourselves and each other. One  example is the time I made the choice to give her a daily maintenance spanking. This occurred because I  noticed that as the week passed after our weekend marking sessions, she became “out of sorts” and it  was clear that she was in a great mood after being marked. And while she put herself forward to be  spanked as instructed, what came out of that was unexpected. We used the experience to try different  implements on her and she found that with the heavy flogger, somewhere around 150 strokes, she  started to have orgasms and experience the flogging as electrical energy. We have experimented with  over 1000 strokes, which she loved. This was completely unexpected. Another example is the time I put  her in chastity for a month and we only explored anal sex. She discovered her ass as a sex organ –  eating her ass gives her orgasms. That was unexpected.  

My point is that in the rabbit hole, the twists and turns are surprising and its super fun to have a partner  with whom that exploration is occurring.  

So what makes our dynamic work? First, we subscribe to a few principles:  

– There is nothing wrong.  

– We are both 100% responsible.  

– We are in communication.  

– Trust is present.  

There is one other thing. She is incredibly obedient. I find her obedience a turn on. She adheres to  protocols with a religious fervor. I love it. 

Now a few words on the principles we adhere to. When we say “there is nothing wrong” it is not to  dismiss her point of view or her complaint or mine, it’s a recognition that as human beings, we make  meaning out of things we do not completely understand. It’s a function of being human. What there is  to deal with is “what’s so” about a thing. That keeps us from escalating moments in a negative direction.  Second, we both take full responsibility to keep the dynamic alive and well. Its not a 50/50 deal at all. Its  100%/0%. And we talk. We talk so often about so many aspects about our dynamic that we started the  podcast Kinky Cocktail Hour. And most important, trust really is present. She trust me to use her hard  and not break her. She trusts me to love her and care for her and I trust her to do the same. Intimacy is present.  

Our dynamic works because we are committed and not attached to the dynamic and we go with the  ebbs and flows of our desires and demands. As the Dom, it is my responsibility to read her. To gauge her  energy and her mindset. We have sexualized her completely. She experiences herself as a very sexy  creature And she is perfectly suited to be my personal slut. The result is that our sex is lava hot. I would  say conservatively, that in the 3 years we have been together, we have had sex over 1,000 times, each  time being the hottest sex ever. She always presents herself to be used and it starts there. Lately, we are  employing hypnosis to move her into a trance state more quickly and I am training her to experience deep throat fucking as orgasmic. It’s hot.  

Writing this has caused me to send her a message that I am going to use her hard when she gets home  from work, and I am going to “fuck her silly”. Because our sexuality is wrapped up in kink, this means  that she will get flogged and fucked today. Her response? “Mmmmmm…Very, Very HOT!!”. Then she sent me this text:  

“Verfreude”  

The German word Vorfreude is unique and has no English equivalent. It comes from the  words vor (“before”) and Freude (“joy”) and means something along the lines of “joyful anticipation.” Vorfreude is the joy you experience while you are looking forward to something.  

Germans often say: “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” which means “anticipation is the greatest joy”.  

I have Verfreude too.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on our Patreon:  

https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground 

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/

The Breeding Fetish

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Over the years, I have become less conservative in exploring my interests.  When I started out, I was very shy.  I had all these different interests, and I was convinced that there was no way my partner would understand.  So, I stuck to what I considered “standard” kinks.  Since getting with Master, I have found the freedom to explore anything that comes to mind.

So, I thought I would share one of them with you.

One of the kinks I kept hidden, for many years, was Breeding.

Traditionally, a breeding kink involves a Dominant male having intercourse with a submissive female with the full intent of impregnation. This generally means sex without protection and an intentional exchange of body fluids.  It is considered a riskier kink (though not edge play) because bareback sex can increase your chances of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI).

It can also increase the chances of a yeast infection or PH imbalance.  The vagina is generally considered acidic and should have a PH level of 3.8-4.5.  However, sperm need a PH level of 7-8.5 to thrive.  During unprotected sex, the vagina’s PH level will rise to accommodate the sperm, optimizing the chance of impregnation.  

Sounds great, right?

Well, it can be.  But for some of us, the ph level struggles to go back down afterward.  An acidic environment (with the PH of 3.8-4.5) is naturally protective.  Having an imbalance can promote the growth of bacteria and lead to several different types of medical issues (i.e. Bacterial Vaginosis or Yeast Infection).  So, my personal PSA is to consult a doctor if you notice things do not feel right after unprotected sex.  Stay healthy and optimize your kink.

Alright.  Now we can get back to the fun stuff.

Breeding, over the last couple decades, has expanded in its definition. Let’s go over some different ways to enjoy your kink.

Role Play: 

There are a few ways that role play can be incorporated. 

  1. Cross-Gendered Role play

Due to the expansion of role play aspects in this kink, there is less focus on the gender of those involved as well.  For female/female partners, the use of a strap-on can simulate the action of breeding.  There are dildos that have tubing in the center to simulate ejaculation.  For male/male partners, the incorporation of other kinks, such as sissification, can make the fantasy of impregnation more realistic.

  1. Breeding with Birth Control

For some individuals, having a resulting pregnancy is not part of their kink.  This could be due to medical factors, financial reasons, or already having children.  As such, the use of birth control can help mitigate the chances of pregnancy.  As with anything, I recommend talking to a licensed professional to find the best option possible for you.  I also recommend researching everything for yourself.  As several individuals in my family learned, the pill form of birth control actually made them more fertile.  For me, I have an implant in my arm.  It lasts 3 years, has minimal side effects, and I am not allergic to it.  While the chance of me getting pregnant is under 1 percent, the use of birth control is a secondary preventative measure. 

  1. Animal play

Animal play is an umbrella term for when one partner acts as an animal and one acts as a handler.  Most often, breeding often uses role play of actual “bred” animals.  While hudogs (i.e. human dogs) are occasionally seen, it is almost always farm animal role play.  Hucows (Human Cows) are the most common.  A hucow is defined as a “submissive woman who is into lactation (whether voluntarily being milked or forced lactation) and/or breeding (forced insemination).  The breeding aspect is a newer addition to the Hucow kink.  

You can also add objectification to this type of play.  An example of this is putting a burlap bag over the “animal’s” head (which could even be labeled with “Breed Me” or other more derogatory sayings) so that the receiver becomes nothing more than a breeding machine or potential incubator.

**Animal play also gives an opportunity to play with artificial insemination as a form of breeding**

  1. Consent Non-Consent:

Consent Non-Consent (CNC) is another umbrella term.  It is often equated to “rape play.”  I do not use that term for two reasons. The first is because CNC has so many different avenues of expression.  Second, consent is paramount in our community.  Rape does not involve consent in any form, and I feel that it needs to keep its own definition (and implications) without convoluting consensual play.

The definition I prefer to use is “[play] between two (or more) consenting adults where one of them does unpleasant or harmful seeming things to the other, who looks as if they’re not enjoying it, or not consenting.”

Breeding can be incorporated into almost any CNC scenario that you can dream up. All the scenarios I am about to list reference “role play scenarios” in which all parties have consented to the activities involved. 

  • Blackmailing a co-worker, Boss/secretary dubious consent, Headmaster/student
  • Hypnosis/Mind Control
  • kidnapping, home invasion
  • Gang Bang

It is also important to me that CNC can also be a relationship type.  It is most often referred to as a Total Power Exchange (TPE).  I have talked previously about my relationship with Master.  He has blanket consent to do as he pleases.  He allows me the option of a safe word, just in case.  However, I never know what is going to happen or when.  I do not negotiate our scenes.  That means that every time we play, it falls under CNC.    I can scream, cry, say no or stop repeatedly but the only thing that will stop the scene is the word “red.”

As I have explored Breeding more and more, the only real consistent “requirement” is sex without a condom.  Everything else is up to the individual people involved and as broad as their imagination.

I find Breeding is a kink that many still find themselves shy to talk about.  I have seen it kink shamed on more than one occasion.  If I have learned anything in the last 15 years, it is that there is no shame in kink if consent is paramount.  Never let someone tell you what you can and cannot enjoy in your dynamic.