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Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!
With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
Interested in Brat taming?
Then, check out this awesome video by Depraved Eros!
Kink editors Kwan and Greenwell share their collection of kink stories.
Click below to find out more from Elle!
Don’t miss how a Mom of two with epilepsy makes money as a part time Pro Domme.
Click below to read more from The New York Post!
https://nypost.com/2021/08/04/epileptic-mom-of-2-boosts-her-confidence-as-sexy-dominatrix/
New to the scene? Then check out this awesome newbie checklist from Women’s Health!
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Something happened this week during our High Protocol scene. For my collared Slut and I, this occurs when she presents herself to be marked. We do this about once a week. I mark her with a heavy cane. The number of strokes vary according to her desire. The rest of the week she has a maintenance spanking during our daily play scenes. That is the context.
We were talking (debriefing) after the scene, and she said that she found the marking sexually arousing. This got me thinking about each of our transformations as sexual creatures since we started sceneing together almost 3 years ago.
For me the transformation to sensual sadist was not as big a step as it was for her to discover impact play as arousing. I had explored being a disciplinarian and a cruel sadist at length before I met her and had found, to my surprise, that pure sadism was not my preferred way of being. I had always wanted my sadism to be wrapped up in my sexuality, and sadism without sex was pointless as far as I could tell. I needed more.
For her the transformation was way more nuanced and more profound.
Its best to tell the story of her transformation in the form of a narrative from the beginning. When we first met, I saw her as a masochist. To wit, I had given her a task to do to test her obedience and her masochist tendencies – I instructed her to fig herself with a stick of wet ginger and to masturbate while doing so. She had 3 orgasms. Then she was required to meditate for a few minutes with the ginger inserted. She had an out of body experience. I also learned that as an elite distance athlete she had a lifelong experience with endorphins and being in a trance state.
After a time, I invited her to put herself forward to be claimed. The claiming would involve her being “marked inside and out”. I told her that I would piss in her ass and down her throat and that I would mark her with a cane.
It took something to put herself forward in that context. She had chosen me to be her Dom and she chose to kneel for me. She was courageous. She experienced the early period of our dynamic with some fear and trepidation mixed with the excitement of being a claimed submissive, the sex was intoxicating and new to her, and at the same time, she was having an ongoing conversation with herself, figuring out how she was going to endure and cope with the experience of choosing a sadist as her Dom long term. She is very competitive, and she was determined to win.
During the early period of our dynamic, as a responsible sadist, I was trying to read her before, during and after scenes, so that I could adjust the sadism to her experience as a masochist as lived. In that we are in a 24/7 TPE, I had a lot of responsibility to make sure that “I didn’t break my toys”. I told her I didn’t and she trusted that I would not. I had to be good to my word. For about 6 months, we used different implements and I created many different scenes exploring many fetishes and kinks to see where she and I were aligned, and how it felt. It was all new and a thrilling, exciting and scary experience for her to be in this intense sexual inquiry at that stage of our relationship. We first related as kinksters and as sexual creatures, and I had made the determination to make sure my partner and I were sexually aligned. We talked a lot about what worked and what adjustments were needed to make things work, and for a while, that was how we progressed the dynamic. Several months into our cohabitation, in response to circumstances, I implemented a Daily Maintenance Spanking regime. This was a particularly important event in our dynamic. We learned a great deal, both about her masochism as a result of that decision, and about my sadism and what it was that pleases me.
“During this early phase of our dynamic, I had many stories and scenarios running through my head as I attempted to make meaning of the impact play variations we were exploring. I liked the idea of impact play as an endurance test of my will and obedience. As a service submissive, I was determined to win this game. My internal dialogue included judgements that I should be able to take 100+ strokes of a cane or any other implement my Daddy chose to use to mark his property. However, I had little experience with most implements…especially within a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Early on, I was fixated on the stingy pain of implements and how they distracted me from being present versus enhancing my sexual experience. I was preoccupied with the pain. At first, I discovered certain implements were not my favorite. I feared sharing that with my Daddy as I didn’t want to disappoint him…a sadist. However, I was committed to creating no space between us and so I began to share. What was so wonderful, is that he listened…he too was searching for his sensual sadistic rhythm. I found that the heavy flogger was my favorite implement and would crave it most of all. I knew that the cane would always be present as my Daddy wanted his slut marked. I resigned myself to endure the cane as the trade-off was his satisfaction and appreciation of his slut welcoming her marks. During this time of caning, I would try to use various techniques to reframe the pain. I tried crushing the pain and diminishing it I my mind’s eye. I would realize the caning as flagellations to pay for the pain I had bestowed upon my children for divorcing their father. I would also use breath control to focus pain out of my body on the exhale. All methods worked a bit, but were largely unsuccessful ongoingly. When Daddy implemented the Daily Maintenance Spanking, I was both excited and a bit nervous. What if I couldn’t take it? After the first week of daily spankings of 200-500 strokes with the heavy flogger, I began to look forward to this intimate time. I felt myself relax into the flogging and after about 100-200 strokes, I was warmed up and no longer would feel the strokes individually. Instead, I began experiencing an energetic buzz throughout my body. My initial physical reaction was a dripping wet pussy…often running down my legs. This would always be followed by incredibly hot hot kinky sex with my Daddy. As time passed, I would comment that I could handle more and more flogging. Basically, I would stretch my Daddy to flog me until his arm gave out. Around this time, I proposed that 1000 strokes may be fun to attempt. This scene included my Daddy tying me up in a bent over position with my hands and ankles bound together. He went to work and got lost in his own Dom space. I too was lost in sub space and only requested to stop after hitting our goal due to my legs falling asleep and fearing I would collapse.” – Lady Petra
Mainly we learned after using several implements over time, that she responded best to the heavy flogger, and to a steady rhythmic firm impact. We learned that after about 125 strokes she started to experience orgasms as the spanking continued. We tested her tolerance to over 1200 strokes on one occasion and only stopped because her arms and legs were falling asleep in the bondage. She loved the experience. Since then, our daily maintenance spanking routine is implemented exclusively using the heavy flogger and because we both find it so very arousing, we have ridiculously hot sex every single time. The spanking is now inextricably wrapped into our sexuality. Her relationship with pain had evolved.
That was a pivotal moment in her masochism. It was when she first started to experience herself as a sensual masochist. Her experience with pain was something that we talked about a lot. And in fact, the daily conversations we were having became the impetus of our podcast launch.
I gave her a view to consider, that pain is an emotion and that its subject to interpretation. She became clear through the daily spankings with the heavy flogger over time, that the notion rang true for her too. Even so, the High Protocol scenes where marking occurred, the impact with the cane was more than she could process at the moment.
Over time, we explored different elements around caning her to see if we could find a path to make her experience of being caned as sexually arousing for her as it was for me. We tried giving her a prolonged warm-up and we tried taking more and also less time between strokes, but we were unable to alter her overall experience of being caned, which at that time the intensity of being caned had the impact of pulling her out of subspace.
Recently and quite by accident, we hit on a novel way to approach marking. I noticed one day that she spontaneously asked to be marked in the middle of a scene. I mark her and then fuck her ass while she recovers. One day, she randomly stated after being caned while I was fucking her ass … ”Mark me Daddy”. First of all, I found the experience incredibly hot and very erotic. Second, she seemed to handle the next cane stroke with ease. It occurred to me that instead of me trying to judge and assess her status so as to manage her marking without breaking her spirit, she could just tell me what she was actually dealing with and wanting at the moment. So, we talked about my need to mark her rather than hurt her, and her desire to be my marked slut. We made the choice to give her the power to determine how many marks she received after my initial stoke during a marking protocol scene.
“When I first asked to be marked with the cane, I was deep in sub space and we had already began the caning protocols. I was feeling so connected and aligned with my Daddy, that I felt his caning was an expression of his desire and love for me. He cared enough to mark…ME! My love for him overflowed and I heard myself say…”Mark me Daddy!” I was both aroused and shocked at what I heard erupt from me. As I bared down reading myself for his mark, something changed. He marked me and I remember saying to myself…”Wow…that wasn’t so bad.” The pain seemed to dissipate quicker than usual too. That was the beginning…Daddy stated that after my 1st cane stroke on marking days, I would then be given the power to request more strokes. This was a game changer. Now I would request my strokes, which is a bit of a mind fuck. But, as a switch, to give me power to request my strokes gave me access to experience my caning in a new and enlightening way. I began to not dread my caning. I began cherishing my marks as I felt part of the process. My Daddy’s insight truly led to my greater and more positive experience with marking.” – Lady Petra
This was a game changer for her. She suddenly started to relate to the pain of being caned with a different context and mindset. She started to request many more strokes than she had previously experienced. This was music to my ears. Hot sex became even hotter! Our kink experience was dramatically enhanced by this simple choice. She could give up her fears around being caned and contextualize the experience as “being marked by her choice”. As her Dom, I want her marked and as my submissive she chooses to be my marked property. We are aligned.
This brings us to what happened yesterday. After our High Protocol Scene, we were talking and she said to me “I found the caning very arousing”.
This revelation exploded in my mind as a line that we had been striving to cross, or a mountain peak we were trying to summit had been achieved. The experience of flogging her led to a massive breakthrough in her experience with impact play and yesterday, the experience of caning has now resulted in a massive breakthrough in her experience with caning.
During the scene, which we begin with a hypnokink induction, I framed all our play in the context of an “energy exchange”, including the caning, and I suggested to her that she experience the caning as a massive transfer of energy, which it is ultimately.
Whatever the catalyst, she had a new experience with the cane that left her more aroused by the experience that she was at any time in the past.
By the time she got caned during our High Protocol scene, she had already experienced multiple orgasms, oral, anal and vaginal, and she had been flogged perhaps 500 times with two heavy floggers in preparation. Despite that, she shared, after the experience, that at the time, she had a consideration that she was not sufficiently warmed up and, in some ways, nor was she mentally prepared for the marking to occur at that moment. Even so, her experience of the marking was, surprisingly, one of being sexually aroused by the caning.
“This new experience of feeling arousal during my marking occurred to me newly during this most recent marking day. I found my caning bearable and was able to feel the energy move through me and back to my Daddy. Not quite sure I fully understand how to replicate the scenario, but I do think the suggestions relating to energy transfer with the caning helped me reframe the experience. Our scenes have only been getting hotter and hotter. I feel closer to my dominant more than any other person on earth. I think all combined, we have access to a door to Nirvana that few experience. I am grateful to be on a path with such a sexy sensual sadistic dominant who pulls and demands the masochist inside me to meet him toe-to-toe. He creates me and I create him. We are only at the beginning, and I am excited to see where we will go next!” – Lady Petra
This is a big deal in our dynamic. I am not sure if its due to one reason or another, or if her experience was created by several combined aspects of the experience. Probably the latter. What I know is that as a sensual Dom, I wrap my sadism into my sexuality and now I have confidence that as a masochist, she wraps her masochism into her sexuality, including our marking scenes, and it brings us closer together and aligns us to an even more precise degree. We are now even more aligned than we were, and to a degree that I thought impossible with another human being.
From the start, I set out to sexualize our dynamic and to a large degree I have been successful. Naturally this could not occur without Lady Petra’s full enrollment and participation. She is my 24/7 collared slut. She is always prepared to serve me. And now, our journey has taken a turn as it does in the rabbit hole.
We set out to explore our sexuality and to seek ever more fulfilling sexual encounters. Over the years, the twists and turns in the rabbit hole have surprised us. We always say that if we take new actions, the outcomes are unexpected.
If I had told you 3 years ago that in 3 years, she would find caning arousing, you might have raised your eyebrows if you had had a chance to interview her back then. But now, three years later her experience of herself as a masochist has transformed. The crucible that this has occurred in is that over 1,000 iterations, we have distilled our sexual encounters down to a series of the most exciting, most erotic, hottest actions and interactions from hypnokink, to impact play, to 3-hole penetration, to a give and take that keeps us both in a state of primal lust and now, because of her most recent experience, our High Protocol Scene has become scalding hot.
“I love a woman when she has abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her façade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewing, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…at that moment she is never more beautiful to me except for when I realize that I have now helped unleash a lioness into the world…”
−Marquis de Sade
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
You have an effeminate boyfriend even or submissive husband and discover that you really want a gurl. So it’s up to you to train your sissy to please you.
The first and most obvious thing to do is to require that she start wearing female underwear. There is something very sexy about pulling on female underwear as a sissy. It’s a really good place to start. It’s also a good idea at the same time to begin some form of anal training. To do so, you can start with a series of extended trials of butt plug insertion. On a gradient, your sissy can train her ass with a bigger and bigger plug, with longer and longer sessions of being plugged. You want her to get present to the idea that her ass is yours to use.
It’s a very good idea to train your sissy to wear stockings with a garter belt, and high heels and perhaps a skirt along with her frilly lady’s underwear for public showings. This will really put her in the correct frame of mind to be your service sissy.
Obviously, the main thing to focus on in training your sissy is to train her to wear a cock cage. If you think of her ass as her “man-pussy” and her cock as her “over developed clit”, then it becomes easier to help progress her sissyfication to full Gurliness.
Next, you need to begin to teach your sissy how to properly use makeup to make sure she is beautiful for you. And of course, she will need a pretty pink wig to complete the ensemble.
Imagine her in an outfit with her pink hair, all made up with her short skirt, garter belt, nylons and high heels and her cock cage peeking out of her frilly lingerie. How cute!
It’s a good idea to have your sissy in a collar and leash when you have guests so she on display as “owned” when she serves you. She can serve you and your friends drinks and hors d’oeuvres while dressed as your personal French maid to make everybody’s evening fun. And of course, you can use her and share her with your friends if that is what is desired. She can fluff your girlfriends, get paddled by them and even pegged by them if you desire.
Ultimately, while denial is a good teacher and while milking your sissy into a cocktail glass for her to drink every so often is a fun creative way to give her a release, you really want to train your sissy to be your pegging bitch. Training her to be pegged should begin with a one finger prostate massage and progress from there. You should train your sissy to take thicker and thicker and longer dildos with the goal of eventually using a strap on to fuck your sissy’s ass. Over time, bigger cocks and even fisting her ass is a possibility. It’s all a matter of training. Remember, your sissy is there to please you.
It’s fine to restrict your sissy to clean up duty, so she can eat out your cum filled pussy or ass, and its also fine to teach your sissy how to properly pleasure you orally so that if you feel like having an orgasm she can oblige. It’s also completely on the cards to train your sissy to fluff or clean your male partners or Bulls. I have known women to require their sissy to be a fuck toy for their Bulls too. It’s all up to you.
It’s a good idea accustom your sissy be paddled. The use of a paddle or a hairbrush on your sissy is a particularly good way to discipline her, and we all know that she will need to be disciplined occasionally. She should know that when you give her a good over the knee paddling, you do so because you are training her, not just to be cruel. It’s never a good idea to paddle out of anger. Training your sissy to be your good gurl is a time-honored process where care and nurturing of her is important. She thrives on humiliation and it’s your job as her mistress to bring her along so that she is well trained to please you the way you desire.
The good news is that there are innumerable cis men out there looking for a Mistress to serve. If you want a sissy, she is there for the taking.
Like with any kink, sissyfication requires communication. Many sissies do not really know all that there is to be gained by being feminized, and they often do not expect to have the strong positive reaction to being feminized that they do. They find that they really come to love the experience, and many go on to contemplate extreme measures, like castration, to fulfil on their duty to their Mistress. The thing is that sissyfication is and feminization is not the same thing as transformation. A trans girl is not feminizing because they are being trained as a sissy, they are feminizing because they are indeed a female inside. Feminization and sissyfication are aspects of humiliation of a cis male that your sissy thrives on.
A good way to approach the process of sissyfication is to work on “brainwashing” your sissy. Hypnosis is a useful tool in this approach. I recommend The Brainwshing Book: Hypnotic, Erotic Behaviorism and Beyond by Sleepinggirl, who both practices hypnokink personally and she also teaches hypnokink workshops.
“Brainwashing” is a concept that titillates and mystifies—it implies an intense kind of control over another person and surrender of will. Within the context of erotic hypnosis, it might be considered a sort of holy grail to some, but what does it mean to achieve this in an ethical, effective, and mutually enjoyable way? In “The Brainwashing Book,” she explores a model that teaches and takes advantage of well-researched psychological principles and intermediate-to-advanced hypnosis skills in order to pursue this fun, hot form of play—and find how it can improve your trancing as a whole. Sleepingirl is a queer writer, presenter, and podcaster with a decade of real-life erotic hypnosis experience on both sides of the “pocket watch.”
So armed with a cock cage, a series of butt plugs, a strap on and several didlos, a collar and leash, and a good paddle, your sissy can be trained to experience herself as a gurl designed to perfectly please you. She will need her ladies underwear, her garter belt and stockings, high heels and a short skirt along with a wig and make up. And of course, the most important consideration, a good attitude. She needs to buy in completely.
In many cases, it’s a good idea to train your sissy to serve you and your friends. She can present herself in her pretty outfit and make sure you and your girlfriends have drinks and snacks and she can serve to pleasure your girlfriends by letting herself be used by them as a fuck toy. This would be a very humiliating services and one to aspire to rather than one to start out with. I have learned of sissy’s who are well trained to be toilet submissives for their Mistresses. So the sky is the limit. If you can think of it, you can train your sissy to execute.
It is important to emphasize that training a sissy is about enrolling them in the process and bringing them along on a gradient that allows them time to adjust to the concept and context. Communication is key. Negotiations must be frank and its important to make progress with each transition with the sissy buying in completely. This may take some time, but its worth it in the end. The folks we have talked to who are involved in FLR dynamics who are pursuing sissyfication are among the happiest kinksters we have ever encountered. Living your true self expression as a kinkster is really powerful.
We have found that those submissive kinksters who know what they genuinely want and who they truly are experience the process of sissyfication with an open heart.
Ultimately its up to you to be responsible for leading the communication to make sure you train your sissy well. If you need coaching to help you train your sissy, then feel free to reach out to us to ask us how to begin.
On our pod, The Kinky Coctail Hour, we had a conversation with a sissy that is worth a listen https://www.buzzsprout.com/962578/8440166
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
We prattle on in blogs, books, boards, and conversations about trust being the most important aspect of developing a dynamic, finding a play partner, and being a “good” fill in the blank. But is it really? Where does trust come from? It certainly does not just happen. Like a bad rash it creeps up on us over time. Insinuating itself into our psyche often without us understanding how it got there.
Trust comes from many things, but in my opinion, mostly from being consistent. In our actions, words, honesty, and temperament being consistent with our partner becomes the foundation of trust. Can we have trust without it?
Why Consistency?
If we have a dog, and that dog tries to bite us every time we touch its head, can we not trust it to do so again, the next time around? In the reverse, if we have a partner who consistently corrects us each time we say we are not attractive, smart, or capable could we not believe they would rise to the occasion the next time? Simply put trust is built on the back of, “if A happens, B will follow,” generally without fail. Trust is a personal connection combined with having faith in another person to act in a manner to which we have become accustomed.
If for some reason, we put ourselves down and our aforementioned partner does not correct us what happens? Our brain registers alarm and we begin looking for why. Did they not hear me? Are they not paying attention? They acted differently than expected.
When we meet a new person and begin vetting them, the general expectation is that they will be honest with us. If we find them not to be, again alarm. They have acted outside of our expectation and set a new one. The old adage, “once a liar always a liar,” comes to mind. After that point we are forever wondering if what they tell us is the truth.
If we run across enough liars in the vetting process, our general expectation of people changes. All people lie. So the next person we vet starts in a hole which others have dug for them.
For good or ill an expectation is set, regardless of the expected behavior being positive or negative. Trust can be a positive and or a negative thing.
If Trust can be Positive or Negative, Why Does it Matter?
Evolution has built us to identify different, as bad. Something different means potential danger. Over time we can become accustomed to many things, even horrible happenings in our lives and they become “normal” to us because they have been consistently happening to us.
It is why sometimes people who are abused, stay with their abusers. They know what is going on is not healthy for them, even potentially deadly. But they have become accustomed to their reality and can trust the outcomes of each day. Even if that outcome is a black eye, or worse. Evolution is working against them. The devil you know……
The opposite is also true.
Trust matters because it is a building block. The foundation of the structure built upon it. What we are really looking for in lifestyle dynamics is trust built from positive outcomes. That is the differentiator between a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. To get there, to build that, we need consistently positive experiences.
Of course, there are going to be bumps or things which we do wrong at times, eroding that positive consistency. Hopefully, we have deposited more in the positive bank than the negative. This gives us a head start for when things really go wrong.
What Happens When our Bank Suddenly Overdrafts?
That really depends not on the partner in the wrong, but the partner who has been wronged and their expectations of themselves. Let’s face it, bad things will happen, hopefully not often. When they do, that is likely to late to decide if you are really committed to the relationship.
To survive these events, the consistent expectation of ourselves should have been a foregone conclusion. Before our world gets turned upside down the attitude of, “I will stick,” can make all the difference in the world. It does not matter what cowpie my partner steps in, as long as the relationship is not toxic, I decided long ago that staying committed is the only option. No matter what, we would find a way through it.
It may really suck getting through it, but we both have already decided the outcome to be positive.
Without that consistent personal attitude toward ourselves, we allow doubt to creep in. Doubt prevents us from seeking truth and encourages us to assign blame. Blame never solved anything.
How Do I Get to Being Consistent?
Practice, a lot of it, and holding each other accountable. If one of us breaks the expectations, the other better be saying something. If one of us does something great, we should be expressing our appreciation. It becomes a way of life, a technique we weave into our communication, and an expectation in and of itself. Which, if done well, is appreciated.
It takes the ability to keep an open mind, not jumping to conclusions, and really listening and discussing what is going on. Not assigning blame but finding fact in an effort to design solutions. This no-fault attitude toward communication and accountability frees both partners to be open about more than just what we need to be consistent at but also provides the platform to discuss those things which are extremely difficult. All of which improves open and consistent communication.
Having written expectations, rules, and consequences (good and bad) aids in being consistent also. If we have a primer to follow, we are more likely to use it rather than wing it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we have to wing it, we cannot plan for everything. Yet that document allows us to temper the way we respond, going back to what we have agreed to, before deciding what to do. If gives us time to cool down and think about what is reasonable rather than acting rashly and maybe out of emotion.
Rash action is the enemy of consistency and trust. It almost never serves you well.
How Do We Benefit?
Learning to be consistent in how we treat our partner, and others, not only breeds trust but also confidence in them and ourselves. It becomes a launchpad for ideas because we know that if something we plan for a scene, or even life, goes horribly wrong the outcome will be a combined effort to get back to, “us,” not the destruction of us. What an incredible place to be, knowing that we can explore things which may be vastly difficult, and possibly even dangerous (regarding kink), knowing that our partner will see it through with us, no matter the outcome.
Is that not what most of us really want? That consistent person to explore with? The knowledge that tomorrow really is a forgone conclusion?
Of course, we cannot stop what fate has in store for us. But we can plan for the way we will react to it. Every time we react consistently committed to each other, and toward each other, the stronger that commitment and trust becomes.
The rabbit hole is bottomless. All you have to do is decide to take the dive together, knowing if and when the bottom is found, it will be found together.
Consistency gives us a gift. The freedom to be exactly who we are with each other, without judgement.
I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!
In the relationships that I’ve developed over the years, either in my own dynamics or helping others with theirs, I’ve come across a lot of folks with a wide variety of backgrounds, experiences, and approaches. The only thing they all have in common, is an interest in engaging in power dynamics of various sorts.
When you’re dealing with a substantial number of people, you begin to see certain tendencies, habits, and beliefs that transcend backgrounds. These are things I identify as “trends”. One of those trends is how folks fill-in for the lack of standardization of terms and definitions surrounding power dynamics. They invent their own definitions…and it has impact on relationships.
I’ve written before on how – as a consequence of not having mutually understood standards for the practices of BDSM and D/s – terminology, identity, and even basic definitions are left up to the individual’s interpretation. Consequently, everyone has their own meaning for what a dominant is, what dominance is, what submission entails, etc. In fact, there are entire groups of people formed by a few folks, choosing a single definition and protocol to be put into play, and giving themselves a label and rules to follow to “belong”.
From the perspective of communications, particularly with new potential partners, this lack of structure and definition can wreak havoc. Assumptions as to what a partner means by a term, no matter how common, can lead to gross misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations.
To compound this communication challenge, the lack of standards allows individuals to mask their experience and knowledge levels. People without any real-life experience serving or being served, can talk about power dynamics, based only on their exposure to videos, written porn, or virtual realities like Second Life. The number of “Cyber-Only” players, espousing their knowledge as if it’s gospel, is frightening. Even Fetlife.com, which is a terrific resource for discussion and knowledge sharing, is littered with inexperience masquerading as mentorship.
It helps to be able to quickly identify inexperience. Luckily, there are a few “tells” that immediately inform you that the person to whom you’re speaking is pretending.
The “Do Anything” Mentality
First off is perhaps the most obvious. The sub who claims they will “Do Anything” for you, Mr/Ms Dominant! Only inexperience will make this claim. People with experience will talk to you about those experiences, and will discuss what they liked / disliked about them. They will make suggestions based on what other dominants have liked in the past and inquire as to whether the suggestion has merit for you. The “Do Anything” submissive seems incapable of speaking about their own desires – until the dynamic no longer matches them – and then they are ready to complain about the quality of domination. When you ask a sub for a suggestion or an opinion and they answer with “You’re the dominant, you can do anything you want” – it’s inexperience talking.
The “All the Time” Commitment
Next up is the person – dominant or submissive – who believes that they will be able to maintain a protocol always and forever. They lay out how they will act, how they will respond, how they will live – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It’s just not possible. Life gets in the way. Reality happens.
In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I introduced Sean and Dave, a couple who took the time to write down every single action they could imagine happening and what would happen next. They set protocols for every conceivable situation. “The Book” served them for about half a year, then modifications started overwhelming them. After a while, “The Book” fell into disuse, as they could no longer keep it up to date with all the changes they were experiencing. Eventually, they wrote a new “book”, which was only a couple of pages long that talked about their INTENT of service rather than specifics. That became their bible. Armed with experience, they were far more practical and realistic about their expectations.
The “I am nothing but a dominant / submissive” Claim
This is the person who thinks that dominants and submissives are defined entirely by their role. They are not a partner in a relationship who is the dominant…they are not a school teacher or a bus driver or an executive – who also is the dominant in their home life. They are “A Dominant” or “A Submissive”, as if that fully defines them.
The inexperienced person idealizes the roles. They focus on the roles first and the person later. In the fantasy, they see the person as being dominant or submissive every moment of every day. They are super heroes, impervious to the mundane life the rest of us share.
Experienced people understand that their dominant or submissive is a person – who is also dominant/submissive. They look for relationships with people first, and focus on the bigger picture – assuming they want more than a session-based relationship. Their experience tells them that what lasts in a relationship, are the sum of ALL of your dynamics and connections.
The “Label-Dropper”
People will come up to you and start talking in labels, without describing what they mean. “I’m a submissive”, they’ll say. “Really? What kind of submissive? Do you mean ‘bottom’? Oh wait, ‘bottom’…does that mean you like to be whipped? Oh…tied up and tickled? Wait, master…slave? Property or servant?”
The label dropper is likely inexperienced… At a minimum, they’ve never experienced anyone outside of their definition-circle and therefore don’t realize that other folks could have a different definition for a label than they do. They blindly believe that their limited contact is all there is to know.
More likely, they are truly inexperienced, and are simply assuming that the definition for the term that they read is widely accepted and that they are safe to repeat it, without really knowing a broader meaning.
The “All Dominants/Submissives Do ‘X’” Instructor
This is the person who “educates” others on what “ALL” dominants/submissives do. They are the person who tries to pressure their partner into doing the things they enjoy, because “that’s what all dominants/submissives do!”
This is a BIG indicator of inexperience. Though experienced people might make assumption about what their partner wants – based on their experience with others – their answer, if called-out on it, is, “This is what others I’ve been with enjoyed and I assumed you might like it too”. Its not, “This is what all dominants want”! The experienced response acknowledges that their frame of reference is limited by their experience and that their new partner might not be the same as the old. They know that different people like different things and it’s best to learn about your unique partner and avoid assumption.
The “All Do ‘X’” instructors are often well-versed in videos and written porn – they’ve learned by watching media. Media has a remarkably homogenous storyline – and it truly appears as though ‘all dominants/submissives do ‘X’. The ‘instructors’ have read what others are saying about what it means to be a dominant or submissive and are regurgitating it verbatim, as their knowledge. They want the lifestyle they’ve seen, and try to find partners who feel the same way – often being disappointed when they find that all dominant/submissives DON’T like ‘X’!
Wrapping Up
There’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced. Everyone was inexperienced at some point in their lives. When I meet someone who demonstrates their inexperience, possibly in one of the means I listed above, I attempt to help to educate them. They are often trying to appear more experienced than they are – and in their attempt to appear experienced, they are revealing their inexperience. I want them to accept their inexperience and work to gain real experience – just as the rest of us did – and continue to do (because learning never stops). ‘Fake it until you make it’ can have some serious implications when the cost of the façade is someone else’s happiness, emotions, sense of self-worth, or worse, safety. It is far better to admit one’s inexperience and work with a partner to gain it mutually.
There are no experts. No one who knows everything. For certain, I don’t know everything. Experienced people know that learning continues, forever. Remain a student forever.
As always, ‘define before you opine’ – recognize that there are no standards, and if you want to have meaningful communication with someone, you’re better off sharing your definitions first and avoiding labels. Look out for inexperience masquerading as mentorship. Help those who show their inexperience by trying to appear more experienced. It’s OK to be inexperienced.
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com
Into tickling?
Want to learn more about this fun type of play?
Then, check out this awesome video from the fabulous Evie Lupine!
There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”
It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.
I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:
“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.
Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.
Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.
All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.
It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.
Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”
All Hell Broke Loose
As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.
Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening.
It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.
At the Center
I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.
Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.
Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.
If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant.
Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.
So We Find a Submissive
Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?
I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.
This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary.
No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It
Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment.
There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.
They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.
Creating a Gravitational Pull
The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.
The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.
It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.
The Goal
I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad.
Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first.
Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.
If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife
Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.
Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.
The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?
So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:
Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.
I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.
I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.
Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.
Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.
Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.