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Curios about Electric Play?
Want to know more about playing safely?
Never heard of Electric Play?
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When we have the potential for a new relationship, we generally experience a sensation called New Relationship Energy (NRE). This essentially blinds us to the character flaws of our partner and often makes them the center of our world, regardless of if we are monogamous or not. It also impedes our communication skills. NRE allows us to take what our partner says as fact, ignore the red flags, and skim over the vetting process.
At least, it does for those of us who still vet.
When I started in the community sixteen years ago, vetting was very much an important step to entering a dynamic. This was especially true with the growth of the internet. With the potential of thousands of possibilities, you had to wade your way through the chaos, and sort potentials into a few categories.
Category 1) Hell No.
Category 2) Not my Kink (this is basically my kink profile and your kink profile do not match)
Category 3) Maybe (meaning I need to investigate this further)
Category 4) I would like to get to know you
Obviously, people moved from one category to the next as the process continues. It makes it very hard to vet someone in my Category 4 if I am in their category 1.
So, what is vetting?
Vetting is, according to the dictionary, to “make a careful and critical examination of (something)”.
I’m going to be honest…that is a very broad term. It is also extremely vague. When I first read it, I imagined a person laid out on a table and I carefully and meticulously examined them with a magnifying glass. Then I laughed a bit at the absurdity of my thoughts.
Vetting is essentially getting to know someone and make an informed decision about whether they are honest or not.
I have always preferred to get to know someone without the kinks first. I need to know that I can enjoy your company in a vanilla setting as well as a kinky one. Even though I live 24/7, it is not an endless dream of whips and chains. It involves chores to keep the house running, work to keep a roof over our head, postponement of my needs to serve my partners, and a whole lot of cuddling. If I cannot tolerate you in that part of my life, then all the kinks/skills in the world would not change our incompatibility.
There are a few ways to start the vetting process.
However, I have also seen the opposite. In fact, my own dynamic with Master has fed the rumour mill. Did you know I am always in trouble? Apparently so. Those long-lasting marks could never actually be the result of pleasure (*gasp* Shocking, I know). Did you know that I am too bull-headed to be submissive? Obviously, I must be extremely unsatisfying to my Dominant.
I am, and always have been, an open book. You want to know something, ask. I have never had an issue with that. Its when people add their own spin to the story, after I have given my answer, that makes me cringe. Both of those questions came from a brat who wanted to know how to get her Dom’s attention because she felt he was ignoring her. I advised her that communication was key. She needed to sit down and talk with him. I am not a brat. I am offended at the implication of being one. It goes against all my beliefs as a submissive. But, she did not like my answer. She then proceeded to tell anyone that would listen that I was a brat, and an unhelpful one at that.
I have been accused of Topping from the bottom because I can get forceful in making sure Master takes care of himself. I have been told (by outsiders) that I am not dedicated enough because I am not home enough. Which, on a side note, just fuels my insecurities. So, thank you. I have been asked how I can “let Him do that?” We have blanket consent, including Edge play and CNC. You don’t have to like it, but I sure do.
All I am trying to say is, there are two sides to every story. People like to gossip. People like to put other people down to feel better. So, maybe what they are saying, should be taken with a grain of salt.
In the end, vetting is necessary to finding the right partner(s). It takes a special breed to give us the communication, trust, and vulnerability needed to make this lifestyle work. The minute I consent to you binding me, I am trusting you with my mental and physical health. I am trusting you with my life.
Therefore, you are going to have to bear with me and play a few rounds of twenty questions before I let you anywhere near me.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
***all pieces of erotica are works of fiction. We never condone anything that is NOT consensual, safe, ethical, or sane.
I need to specify to those reading this, that playing during high emotion can be dangerous. You can miss verbal/body cues, overlook a safeword, or face the issue of potentially blacking out/disassociating.
I wrote this to explore parts of my psyche I’ve yet to delve into. But I also wrote this to someone with whom I trust my life.
The goal of delving into the darker parts of the mind, is to learn. There is more revealed in the unconscious mind than in any other medium.
Even if I never delve into this scenario in person, I will have revealed everything I need to…subconsciously. Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that my writing gives him insight because I pour myself into it. It is the same reason he refuses to read unfinished work and offer suggestions. If he did, it could influence me.
I explore darkness only with someone who can bring me back into the light. I explore brokenness only with someone who can piece me back together. I explore emotional fuckery only with someone who will not be crushed beneath the weight of it.
What you choose to do is your decision. Just know, if you cannot separate what is done in a scene from what happens in real life, your relationship can be irrevocably changed or damaged.
You once told me, Sir, that I push your boundaries unlike anyone else.
I had to think about that. At first glance, it looks as though I lack respect for your limits. But, when we talked about it, you told me it meant I pushed you as you push me.
We have successfully faced quite a few demons and delved into some dark places.
We have moved seamlessly from physical pain to mental and we continue to push against what is deemed as safe and sane.
We are risk takers Sir. I’d have it no other way.
With that in mind, I wish to request a new boundary to be explored.
I want you to make me angry Sir.
I want you to throw me against the proverbial wall and help me bring the bricks down.
I want to feel the thrum of adrenaline and the fire in my veins.
I want to fight you.
I want to growl and scream and cry.
I want you to take me down without mercy.
Are you willing to brave this with me Sir? Are you willing to catch me on the other side as I come down? Are you willing to help me deal with the guilt when this is done?
Are you willing and able to keep me sane without losing yourself in the process?
We don’t play angry. We have always refused to play during any heavy influx of emotions.
Tonight, I want that to change.
Please, Sir?
You are a crafty bastard Sir. When I asked for an emotionally charged scene, I did not expect you to have me set it up.
You know how much I hate making decisions.
I know you’re fucking with me. But I also know you want to understand how far to push me.
See, you can read me my body like no other. But what I choose at the beginning, gives you an idea of how far to go.
I understand it. I just don’t like it.
I knew the two fastest ways to anger without conflict.
Step one: My song. On repeat. Seven minutes of mesmerizing lyrics that take me over.
You can see the change in me. There is a reason I rarely play this song. It stirs my mind like a woman possessed. It makes me feel…violent.
Step two: Handcuffs
We both know the cuffs alone will make me fight. I tried breaking the kitchen chair last time we used them.
This time, you were smarter.
You locked one wrist in front of me, pulled the chain between my legs, and locked the other one. Then you pulled the leg irons chain over the cuffs and pulled them down and around the leg of the bedframe.
I am technically free to move within a small area. With difficulty, I can switch from kneeling to sitting but little else is possible.
You snap your fingers.
I Breathe deeply. We are about to begin.
You want me immersed.
I sit down on my ass, my knees bent and my hands loosely hanging. My top half is bare, and the room is chilly. My fingers are playing with the soft fabric of my leggings already. Can you see my anxiety already Sir? I don’t think I have hidden it very well.
The leg irons pull against my ankles. I have twisted the chain already, but I refuse to say anything. I will deal with this.
I look up at you. I am scared Sir.
For all my bravado, I do not like being angry. I know that I could hurt someone. I know that I could hurt you if I sink too far. I feel very small for asking for this.
You read me so well. You look deep into my eyes, my lip trembling, and you run your fingers through my hair. It soothes me. I close my eyes to revel in it and you backhand me.
We’ve started.
From this point, you won’t let up until you are ready…or I color.
Would that be wrong? To color on a scene I’ve requested?
You will tell me that it is not wrong. And I know for damn sure, we would never be trying this if you didn’t trust me to speak up when needed.
Those thoughts cross my mind all the time.
So, let’s see what happens Sir.
Are you ready?
I am waiting for the music to start.
“Are you ready for this?”. You ask only once.
You are giving me an out.
I inhale deeply. I don’t want it.
“Press play” I state firmly.
Without another word, you press play. I know we have put the song on repeat for the length of the disc. It will continue to ramp me up until it is turned off.
The headphones are immersion ones. They close me off from the outside world. All I can hear is the music.
Then, you leave.
I fucking hate being alone. I get antsy and worried and scared.
Forty-five seconds in. My eyes close of their own volition.
1 and a half minutes in. I can feel my face contorting into a smirk.
2 minutes. My lips move unconsciously to mouth the dark words. You were smart Sir. By using the instrumental track, with only the backup vocals, I can sink ever so further. The ability to sing along and keep myself distracted from the emotion is no longer an option.
My chin drops to my chest. I roll my neck to one side and slowly to the other. I can feel the cracking of the bones.
3 minutes. My heart is pounding. My eyes are open and unseeing. My head cocks to the side, glaring into the nothingness.
Four minutes. Even though I know I shouldn’t, I start rubbing the cuff rings.
The cuffs are cool to my thumbs as I rub the metal.
My thoughts are dark Sir; and sneaky.
We are halfway through the first play of the song. The bass drum is beating loud. I am tugging more frantically at my cuffs now. I feel them pulling against my hands.
I am going to bruise.
I am watching the door. I’m determined to be free by the time you come back. I plan to tackle you. I’m going to take you to the floor and have you beg me for mercy.
I can do it.
I smirk.
If not, I will go down fighting.
I was unprepared for the mask Sir. As soon as the darkness descended, I started bucking. You appeared from nowhere.
Were you watching me? Where? I could not see you.
Why would you hide Sir?
Are you scared of me?
Won’t you let me free Sir?
I can do such wondrous things to you.
After all, you cannot see the fire in my eyes with a hood on.
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
Whatever shall we do Sir? Won’t you let me out to play?
You have turned the volume up. I can feel the vibrations across the whole of my ears. I feel the zipper on the hood open across my mouth. I strike forward to bite you.
Rule number 2 in our dynamic. I am never to bite.
I’ve just declared war.
I am pulling roughly at the handcuffs. If I can shift the bed frame, then you have no chance.
I feel your hand grip the back of my neck, as though you were planning to lift me. You press my body forward. Your other palm presses harshly against my mouth and pinches my nose through the hood. I did not even have a chance to take a breath. I’m trying to wrestle free. I can hear the clanking of the metal over the music. I feel like a feral animal trying to free itself. My head is locked into place by your strength.
I am going to pass out.
Then, you let me breathe.
Or so I thought.
One big breath is all I managed before you shoved the gag between my teeth. You made sure I would be able to breathe by picking the ball gag with holes. But it clearly tells me that talking is out of the question.
Good.
If you want an answer, you are gonna need to read my fucking mind.
Sir.
I feel the chain go slack for a split second. You must have lifted the corner of the bed. I pull quickly and round my head in what I believe is your direction. It connects with something. I turn the other direction and roll onto my back. I know I cannot run with the way I am chained. But I do have enough room to kick you.
I kick out, low to the ground, and my foot connects. I know instantly I have hit too low. Your boots hurt quite a bit when kicked with bare feet. I aim higher but I feel your hand grab my ankles. My arms are stretched as you hold me tight.
Then the blows start.
A firm smack right onto my ass.
I hate this position. I hate having my legs in the air like a baby. It is humiliating…and you know it. That is exactly why you do it.
Two. Three. Four.
In such quick succession, I cannot catch my breath or bearings.
Five hits me full force to the top of my pussy.
Fuck. I guarantee you heard that through the gag.
Six. Seven. Eight.
Harder and harder you hit my ass. My body is trying to rock against the floor. Anything I can do to get free. I am not fairing so well at that.
Nine is a firm kick to the ass by your boot.
God Dammit.
Ten reigns down on my pussy once more. Pretty sure I am going to be icing for days at this point.
You drag me by my ankle across the carpet until we meet linoleum. You roll me over in one smooth motion and use the leverage of the chain to pull my knees up under me. My ass is now in the air and my face is pressed to the cold floor. My shoulders are burning, and my wrists are swollen. I am biting down on the rubber of the gag so hard I am expecting it to split.
I feel a heavy thud against my thighs. Oh god, not that one. I hate it.
Five thwacks, each getting harsher and harsher. The hood is wet now. It clings to my eyes as they water, and I have soaked the bottom half with my spit.
I keep trying to shift away from the blows. For a masochist, I move a lot Sir. Have you ever noticed that?
Five more and I am sobbing. My legs are shaking to the point that I cannot hold them up anymore. Then again, as soon as I started to drop them, I felt it.
You finally unsheathed the knife you were hitting me with.
The broad side of the blade is cool against my skin. I feel its tip at my belly button, with the rest of the length sliding down to my pussy. It is your warning to keep my position.
And it is my chance to end it.
Not a chance in hell Sir.
Is that all you’ve got?
My legs are trembling. I feel like I have been at the gym for a couple hours on a treadmill. I feel the knife sliding against my skin. I am trying to hold still. I know there will be marks. Even the dullest of your knives leave me with welts.
Ever so slowly, the tip slides down between my legs. I feel you grab the crotch of my leggings and I feel the sharp tug as you slice them. The knife leaves my skin for just a moment and I feel your fists shred my clothes the remaining in bit. I can only feel them clinging to me from my calves to my ankles. Then the blade is back.
You are cruel Master. I am trying to focus on where the blade is at, but the music is distracting me too much. If I had to guess, knowing the marks it will leave, I am positive you are drawing little smiley faces that I will be staring at in the mirror for the next week.
I am not amused!
But I can imagine the smirk you must be wearing at your own ingenuity.
I feel the tip slide down my thighs and to my calves. I feel the rest of my leggings fall from my body.
Time is relative in the dark. I lost count of the amount of times my song has played. I know my ass stings. I have no idea how long you have been marking me with that blade. I know it periodically slides between the lips of my vagina and I hold my breath every time. I know my jaw aches from the gag and my neck is sore from being on the floor in this position. My shoulders still burn, and my body shakes from either adrenaline or cold. Of which I am not entirely sure.
But I want more Sir.
When you have finished with the blade, I feel you give me one last whack with it after you sheathed it and I felt your breath light up the cuts along my backside.
Gently, you pull me up to my knees and let me lean my head against your legs. The music is turned down until it is a mere whisper. It stays constant, and I still cannot hear you, but it curbs the adrenaline.
You pick me up to standing but my legs cannot hold me. So, you leave me kneeling and drag me to wherever you desire me to be. You bend me over the bed. It keeps me kneeling but puts the pressure on my abdomen instead of my knees. I put my forehead against the softer surface.
Your hand is rubbing my ass. It feels nice.
Then I feel the cold. You just dumped ice water down my back, across my ass, and over my legs. My body tenses instantly. We both know I do not do well with temperature change.
This is new.
And then I understand why you turned the music down.
POP
Fuck.
It is the fucking cattle prod.
Yes, it hurts. But it is the sound that gets me.
Once to the thigh. It travels with the water as it drips down my skin.
Then you set it off near my ear. I jumped and thrashed.
Another to the ass. The knife marks light up with the electricity.
Did you know open wounds increase the intensity of the shocks? Of course you did. This is your favorite. To watch me bend and bow to the lightning. To watch me shiver from the cold, or is that fear?
One. Two.
POP. This one doesn’t touch me but I can hear it near my face.
Three.
POP.
Four. Five.
POP. This time I hear it behind my neck
Then one long intense one between my legs. I screamed with that one.
POP. I can hear it again, but I cannot tell where it is coming from. This time I hear it and it is followed by a smack to my ass. It must be the belt.
I cannot hold back the cries anymore.
Smack.
Smack.
POP.
Silence.
Where am I Sir?
I am very, very cold and I cannot open my eyes.
My ears are buzzing but there is no defining sound. My body is shivering but I feel a warm hand on my stomach and one in my hair.
My heart has slowed.
My mind is jumbled and dark. I’m not really sure what is going on.
I don’t know how long it took but my eyes finally flutter open. It takes several tries. The room is very bright, even though we have black out curtains up.
I finally open my eyes and I see Master there. I am laying on my back with my head in his lap. He is watching me. He seems worried.
I see his lips moving but I cannot understand what he is saying.
Everything is a blur, but I can guess what happened.
I stare up at him with a soft smile. I am in the safest place right now.
He is waiting for an answer.
I know the question.
“My name is Joji.” I see him breathe a little easier.
He brushes my hair from my face and rubs soft circles on my tummy with his thumb.
“And my name?” The question sounds so soft to me, but I can hear him again.
“Master.” As I see him smile, I know that we are both going to be fine.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
The pandemic has affetced so many businesses, events, and local hang outs.
With this being said, more queer and alt places are being forced to close and/or adjust their operating protocols.
Click below to read a riveting article on this matter brought to us by Reader!
Sadly, being a kinkster hasn’t been widely accepted yet. Many still remain igorant to how much kink and BDSM is rooted in consent, communication, and honoring boundaries.
Jerry Falwell Jr. was forced to resign recently from his leadership role at Liberty University due to kink-shaming.
Click below to find out more from Progressive Secular Humanist!
Foot fetishes are booming in India’s virtual spaces.
Sex workers post foot pictures and conduct live streaming foot shows for clients.
Into foot fetishes? Curious about them?
Then definitely check out this interesting article from ThePrint!
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
Winter time is coming. The weather is slowly beginning to change and the desire to pair up is seeping into the minds of many. As we enter Autumn, the pull towards developing new relationships continues to grow but in the time of Covid, there is a major barrier to creating those winter time pairings. Further, for those in the kink world, finding not only a partner but a kinky partner can make things even more challenging.
Navigating dating as a kinky person can be quite difficult. Between the limited resources available to find quality kinky partners to the frequent fetishizing of kinky folks, it can be hard to find serious connections that can grow into long term relationships. In fact, it can even be a struggle to find something casual. It is important when pursuing new relationships, especially those that are kinky, to take your time, pay attention to red flags, and never lower your standards.
Do not lower your standards
I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain dedicated to the standards that you have set for yourself. When we are in a clear head space, it is much easier to reflect on the type of partner that we may want but often, in times when we are eager to partner up, we may pair with someone who may not be suitable for our needs. To remain diligently committed to the standards that have been set for ourselves can be a challenge, however it will likely increase the opportunity to find a partner who is a better match.
Do not rush
It is easy to approach this season with the feeling that a relationship must begin immediately. The desire to pair up is often influenced by loneliness which in turn creates feelings of discomfort and distress. It is important not to let those feelings inform the decisions that are being made when trying to pair up. Rushing into relationships often leads folks to miss red flags that may have otherwise come up if more time was taken. While finding an excellent partner may happen early in the dating process, it can be helpful to slow down and take your time as you go forth with getting to know that person and potentially committing yourself to them.
Do not ignore red flags
One of the riskiest things folks can do when beginning a new relationship is ignore red flags. This is even more dangerous when the relationships have a kink component. Red flags are meant to warn us from potential risk and it is easy to overlook those risks when the desire to be in a relationship is overwhelming. Looking at our past experiences can allow us to recognize where there have been errors in our judgement. Perhaps we saw a trait that we convinced ourselves we could get used to when in reality, it should have been a deal breaker. As people approach this cuffing season, it will be helpful to not attach to someone who exhibits traits that we deem toxic or unhealthy for our well being.
The dating process may seem daunting but it is possible, even in these unusual times, to find a partner or partners who can make this winter even more cozy. Overall, looking at relationships with an open mind and approaching slowly and cautiously may allow for stronger and more healthy connections to be made. So this fall, as you approach the season of connection, remember that cuffing, whether emotionally or physically, requires diligence, patience and hopefully a bit of fun.
Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.
This article is for all you fellow sadists out there. All of us who love to cause pain to others. Who bite our lip as we watch someone’s toes curl, face wince, tears run. Those of us who enjoy the screaming, begging and moaning of our partners.
This article is for all you fellow sadists who carefully plan your scenes. Who learn our partner’s limits and play just on the right side of them. Those of us who like to scare people when we haven’t even touched them…yet!
But above all this article is for you fellow sadists who have doubts, insecurities. Who have wondered if there was something wrong with us because of what we enjoy. Those of us who have questioned ourselves and if our kinks are okay.
Most of us learnt what sadism was long before we learnt about kink, and we learnt sadism was a negative thing; sadism is cruel, wicked, hateful even. To be a sadist is to derive sexual pleasure from the pain, suffering and humiliation of others. Most of us are raised to understand that to do any of these things to another person is a bad thing, and can only ever be a bad thing. There was no provision made for the possibility of a sexual, consensual connotation to sadism when we were learning about right and wrong.
Throughout our lives we develop our sexual identity: new kinks grow, old kinks fade, we lust for more types of play, we relax into roles, but rarely are we static in our kink identity.
I began exploring my kinks in my early 20’s. At first, as with most people, it was all about exploring, discovering what I enjoyed, and what various partners also enjoyed. Often there were just two of us involved. Two consenting adults exploring mentally and physically what we could derive pleasure from. This was relatively straightforward. I enjoyed tying people up, so I found people who enjoyed being tied up, simple!
Bondage seemed simple, I would restrain someone in some way, and then do something pleasurable to them. However, it then became complicated by those partners who wanted pain mixed with their pleasure. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I found myself enjoying causing that pain!
Suddenly I discovered that when I was causing someone pain a third person entered the room.
I discovered this third person quite by accident while exploring my sadism. I would be playing with someone, we would be exploring an element of sadism and often they would be asking for more. I would be wanting to do more, but then the third person would butt in and throw questions at me!
“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”
“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”
“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”
“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”
This third person gave voice to all the insecurities of someone new to the responsibilities of being a top. It was the voice of someone who had not been educated about the nuances of consent. It was the voice of my other self, the one that doubted me and even judged me.
At first I was angered by these intrusions. They interrupted my flow, made me second guess not just myself but also my partners. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore it the louder this third person got.
After ignoring it didn’t work I realised I had to engage with it and that is when I learnt the most important lesson: This voice can work for us, or against us.
We do want to approach sadism gently, for our sake and for the sake of others. When we first start to walk we are prone to falling over, it is the gate at the stairs, the hand that catches us, the sofa we cling on to, all of these are the things that stop us from hurting ourselves too much when we first start. We take things slowly because we are made to, we don’t know any better yet.
That voice, that third person, is a caring voice, it is encouraging us to stay safe, and by extension keep safe those who we are with. We do not need to treat it as an antagonist but there comes a time when we do have to be firm with it.
There is a time when we can walk, run, dance and the stair gate is now just in our way, the hand that once caught us is holding us back. We need to be able to turn to that third person and recognise that it has helped us, it has kept us from hurting ourselves, but in a firm voice we have to declare that we have outgrown it.
We can only be comfortable with who we are when we are able to reconcile with that voice, to tame it and take it inside. Let it become caution, not doubt, let it be experience, not questioning.
Grow with your third voice, learn from it, but also take control of it.
Sadism is not bad, hurting people is not bad, causing someone to scream is not bad, when we do it with fellow consenting adults! That is the mantra that eventually tamed my third voice. Everytime the old questions would come up I could now answer them.
“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”
Yes. I trust the person I am playing with, I trust that they have told me the truth. I know we went through her Yes/No/Maybe list.
“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”
Then I will apologise, I will make sure she is okay and I will try to be more careful. I will also practice more so that I don’t make the same mistake.
“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”
Yes. I am an adult playing with another adult. My responsibility is to us, and only us. I don’t need to justify what I enjoy to any outside element.
“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”
No, I am not taking advantage. We have sought each other out because of a common interest and the fact that we reflect each other’s kinks.
I had to learn the answers to these questions and practice answering them every time they came up. Until the third person piped up less often, and finally not at all.
Satisfying that third person is what can let us focus on what is really important when being a sadist; the two people in the scene, you and your partner. Those questions are no longer a distraction, we know the answers and give them before the voice can even ask. The questions have become part of the mental checklist of care that we run through proactively before a scene.
We don’t fight the voice, rather we find what is valuable in it and make it a positive thing for us and our partners.
I am now grateful for the voice that expressed all those concerns. In fact I would be more concerned if I didn’t have them at the beginning. The fact that I had those doubts, those worries, reassures me if I ever think that having morals, caring about people, wanting good things for others, is incompatible with being a sadist.
I do not need to be perfect to be a good sadist, and I don’t need to be perfect to be a good person. I am imperfect and have lots to learn, but I have learnt that I can be a sadist and a good person.
So back to you my fellow sadists, you are good people who do “bad” things with others, and they love us for it. Be “bad, be “cruel”, be “wicked” and then give your play partner a great big hug after and feel good about it.
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273
With so many couples bored indoors because of the pandemic, many are looking to add some spice to their life other than watching the latest Zombiefest on AMC. I have gotten many questions similar to the following one, so I figured it is time to give some friendly advice on the matter. So here it is:
Reader: My partner and I have played with kinky sex, but what do we have to do to take that to BDSM? What are the differences?
Many people, including me, came to this lifestyle after experimenting with kinky sex and then wanting to take the leap into BDSM. This is to be expected; if you experiment in one area of play – sex – why not try out other arenas? This step is not a big one in and of itself. As the old Chinese proverb states, a journey of a million miles begins with just a single step. For many kinksters, that first stride may have already been taken – a little spanky-spank! If you are already a sexual adventurer (or adventuress), chances are you have done at least a little spanking. And, if you haven’t, you should make spanking that first step. For one thing, you already have the spanking implement of choice readily available — your hand. No trips to the BDSM store needed. No instructions necessary. Just beat and eat! (Groan….)
Each step you take brings you closer to integrating BDSM into your “kinky sex and play” journey. For example, if you find spanking is adding excitement to your kinky sex sessions – then just “follow the yellow brick road.” This road leads to an array of toys that will add even more spice and variety to your spanking scenes. Learning to use a flogger, a paddle, a cane or any number of implements is not difficult to do. Buy a flogger. Buy a riding crop. Buy a paddle. These items can be ordered online, won’t bankrupt you and are easy to master. Just settle on a safe word and play.
Start gently and hit harder over time and let the safe word be your guide. This is not rocket science. It is a stepwise entry into a lifestyle that will dovetail seamlessly and effortlessly into your kinky sex world. These first steps alone – hand spanking, flogging, caning, paddling, cropping — can keep you entertained for years. (Hopefully the corona virus will be gone by then!) If you want to take it further, or if spanking is not your cup of tea, entry into many other forms of BDSM play is as easy as A.B.C.
Step A. Just find those pictures on the Internet (kinkweekly.com, fetlife.com and youtube.com are great sources) that turn you on. Your body will tell you what gets you hot; no need to think too much! For example, if bondage pictures excite you, add immobilization to your spanking sessions. Just buy some rope (the Home Depot is open) and tie your submissive’s wrists to the bedposts, and voila — instant bondage! If you are not a natural at using rope, then use leather wrist/ankle cuffs and a bunch of metal karibeeners to get the job done. (Karibeeners are those spring-loaded aluminum locking links that are used for mountain climbing; easy on, easy off. I used them recently (until the dungeons closed) for many of my bondage scenes. Once the bottom is immobilized then go to step B.
Step B. Emulate the techniques used in the photos/videos that get you hot. If putting nipple clamps on the breasts of the bound submissive does it for you, nipple clamps it is. If the submissive is blindfolded, use a blindfold. If the bottom is wearing a ball gag, then use a ball gag. (In this particular case, agree on a safe signal.) Which leads to C.
Step C. Use your imagination. Be inventive in your BDSM play. Experiment. As long as you are playing safely, you are playing correctly.
Step D. Add D/s play into your repertoire. This is easy – especially if one in Dominant and the other is submissive. Obedience and punishment are the basis of this interaction.
As to the differences between BDSM and kinky sex, I haven’t a clue. Remember, you can have a BDSM session without any sex at all – kinky or otherwise. Or, you can combine them. Or, you can even mix vanilla sex and kinky BDSM. Any and all combinations are possible. You might say that kinky sex and BDSM are like that steakhouse chain’s slogan, “No rules, just right!”
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
New to the scene?
Not sure how to start your kink journey?
Need some help establishing boundaries?
Then, tune in for this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
Don’t be afraid to dive in today! Safe, sane, consensual for the win!
There is a great deal of therapy in sharing myself with you. It requires me to think carefully about myself, and often confront feelings and ideas that I have struggled with.
I have never written for the benefit of others. I write because it gives me clarity. I write because I am my own worst opponent. I write as a way to listen to myself.
But I started being honest and transparent as a benefit to others.
I have spoken openly that I spent my younger years being a mediator. In fact, looking back, the only reason I had friends was because I was beneficial to them. I would cover for their lies, soothe the feathers of those who were offended, and offer ideas free of charge. I did not start drama, nor did I perpetuate it.
I simply spent my life trying to be useful.
Why?
Because my biggest fundamental flaw is the core belief I hold. It is burned upon the walls of my mind, stamped by the hottest iron.
“I am measured by my usefulness. When I cease to be useful, then I will be thrown out like trash.”
That is one of three toxic beliefs that I own. Welcome to my logical world. I am aware of my toxic beliefs and traits. I know where my anxiety is from and why I feel and think as I do.
I just do not have the tools to change it.
Yet.
As I have written before, my Master and my wife have been cornerstones in helping me learn to cope, and how to be myself without judgement. They have taught me that it is ok to be opinionated and boisterous, to have quiet, withdrawn days, to be outgoing and friendly, or to just be alone. They have taught me that my own expectations are the most important. My dynamic with Master and my marriage to my wife develop and grow as I do.
That which grows must be cultivated.
That which you neglect, will wither.
That which withers cannot always be saved.
My house is built on a foundation of four.
We are a closed, polyquad consisting of two married couples. This means that we all have relationships with each other and none outside of our “core.”
Core- this is my word to represent the four of us.
As I have built my foundation, here is how it works.
I have a 24/7 D/s dynamic with Master. I am his collared submissive and we engage in a Power exchange relationship. This dynamic does not exist for either of us with either of our other partners.
I am married to wife B. She was my first girlfriend and we have been together for 12 years now. We have explored all sorts of dynamics and found our happiness in just going with the flow. We want to roleplay tonight? Sweet. We want to sit naked and play Xbox? Awesome. We want to go to an all you can eat sushi place and gossip? Perfect, I’ll get the car.
Wife B also has DID. So, for one of her alters, I am Diddy. She is four. I take care of her like any parent. She makes me laugh a lot. We do a lot of Xbox, coloring, and lately, puzzles. She is energetic and always excited to tell me about her day. She is my pride and joy.
I consider these two relationships very strong. I feel we compliment each other and help each other with personal growth.
But that leaves one person out, doesn’t it?
I told you I built my foundation on four people. Often, I only ever mention two plus myself. If I passed elementary math, 2+1=3.
Three is less than four.
So, where is number four?
I have been asking the same thing…for quite a long time.
Maybe, if I tell you our story, you can help me find her.
I met wife A (who is married to Master) at work. She was kind, bubbly, and had a very familial feeling to her. In fact, many called her mom at work. We were acquaintances for a few months. We talked very little of things outside of work.
Then, one day, I was sitting in our office and she is talking to me and her speech is…off. I can tell she is upset. So, I asked.
And the floodgates opened.
There, before me, was a woman sobbing because her husband was diagnosed with cancer. She had a preteen and a couple of dogs, but most of the family lives elsewhere.
So, I told her to take some time and if she needed to talk, I’d listen.
In fact, she did talk to me. She even invited me over to play cards. I was invited to the bar to meet her husband and a few friends of theirs. It was some of the first connections I made after moving out here. My family is two states away and my wife’s is all on the East Coast. It was nice to be a part of something…even if I didn’t know her husband’s name for near seven months after hanging out.
My wife started house sitting for them when He had treatments. What started as two days of staying over led to a week. Then two. Then, at one point, we barely left. I paid rent for eight months on an apartment I never went to….just to finish my lease.
Then, one night, about a year or so after I met her, the four of us had a night of drinking to celebrate His remission. Somewhere, between drink two and four, we broke all the poly rules.
Someone made a joke about how much time we spent together. One of us commented that we might as well be dating. It’s all a little blurry to be honest.
Two weeks later, we negotiated the rules for our polyquad.
None of us had successfully been poly prior. Several had issues with cheating or being cheated on.
But we all consented.
So, what the hell, why not?
Friendly PSA: please do not use this story as a how-to for poly. It is not, in any way, a good reference for the average individual
Three months later, my wife and I had to leave our apartment due to a toxic situation with a roommate. They gave us a place to stay. Seven days to Christmas, we moved in. We were set to stay only until tax time. Then, when tax time came, we talked it through, and decided to make the situation permanent.
We have been together ever since.
But, somewhere on this journey, wife A and I got lost. She took a left and I didn’t.
So, now, we are strangers. We are strangers to each other and strangers in our relationship.
But, she’s still Master’s wife.
There are a lot of reasons that her and I are disconnected.
She has had some long-term medical issues. I work a lot. She struggles with communicating and I lack general sympathy. I work long, odd hours and our schedules rarely meet. We both have mental health issues. We have different love languages.
But, the more I list it out, the more I hear excuses.
The truth it, we stopped trying. While she was wrapped up in her medical issues and struggled to communicate, I felt pushed away and I stopped listening.
I became bitter and disillusioned. I wanted the relationship to come as naturally as it did with my other two partners. I wanted her to see all the little things and be as observant as I am. I wanted things she has not learned how to give. And instead of showing patience, I cut myself off.
Because I was scared.
What if it didn’t work? Would I lose everyone else in the process? Would I be left alone because I couldn’t listen, or help her get better, or be patient enough?
Would I be considered “useless” if I failed?
Useless things get thrown out.
So, I chose to separate us. I worked hard on my relationships with Master and wife B. I stayed out of Wife A”s way. I made sure I never asked for time with Master if she was home, so I wouldn’t be in the way. I made sure I never made plans on days off from work just in case things had to change. I made sure I did not argue, or disagree, with her so I wouldn’t cause problems.
I did everything I could to become invisible. Exactly like I felt.
Because I was bitter at being pushed away. And I was hurt that I felt she was not listening when I spoke. After a while, I gave up.
I stopped being understanding that she was dealing with chronic medical problems and mental health. I stopped giving her the benefit of doubt that I afforded my other spouses.
And the silence between is has become the Berlin Wall.
It separates us so firmly that we are never in the same room…even when we are inches apart. We stopped listening. We stopped watching. We stopped caring.
I love her. I can say that with absolute certainty.
But we are strangers.
Now, after two years of everything breaking down, I’m staring at her through the broken lens of my camera and I’m trying to capture what we had.
I think, that is why we are struggling.
Every moment, big and small, shapes who we are. I’ve learned, through a lot of betrayal, that functioning with minimal emotion, and a guarded heart, gets me the farthest in life.
It allows me to be logical and understanding. It does not make me the best wife, however.
In fact, my emotional range, led me to a point in my own marriage, where wife B told me, “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.”
Those are the hardest words I have ever had to hear. But they got my ass to listen.
And reflect.
And change.
Now, I am hoping that those same words, that once burned and broke me, can help me find wife A and allow us to try again.
This time, I have the support of two partners, whom I consider myself to have strong relationships with.
Maybe, just maybe, her and I will learn we are not alone anymore.
We have people to lean on. We have people who want what is best for us. We have people who will tell us honestly when we fuck up.
I know one thing for sure.
I am not looking for nor expecting an apology.
I am looking for a stranger to join me at the table and help me build back up my house of cards.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
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Curious about exploring BDSM with your partner?
This week Well + Good gives four essential tips on how to bring kink into your relationship.
This article is littered with communication and interpersonal tips.
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