bdsm community

The Evolution Of Safewords

January 30, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle — via stock.adobe.com

Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that. I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice. But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.

The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.

However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.

Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.

Until recently, I accepted this definition. I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits. While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.

But I am having a crisis of definition.

Let me start at the beginning. We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.

When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word. It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.

Back then, no one talked about mental issues. No one discussed sub drop. No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up. No one talked about it. The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard. Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom. The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant. A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with. I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords. “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom. It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant. It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded. Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out. For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.

And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read. It was simply accepted as the way of things. I honestly did not think about it too much.

Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now. Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice. A chance to be heard. A chance to have a voice.

What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave. Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation. We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community. Maybe, somewhere, they have. But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.

The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior. He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades. He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me. There was no negotiation. And I believed that was normal. He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics. Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir. I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting. Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home. Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.

The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl. I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree. My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.

I want to specify that I was not disrespectful. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.

After those experiences, I became very reserved. I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch. Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again. Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM. I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity. I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.

And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man. Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.

I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started. Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all. Because, back then, safewords were a handicap. They were a disappointment. They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.

Over time, my definition changed. When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system. Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately. Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums.

I rarely use any of the safewords. Yellow is reserved for health issues. For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh. I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.” It does not stop our play. We do not stop to check in. He readjusts his swing, and we continue. He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.

Red has never been used. I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it. The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits. Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.

We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating. If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.

I tried to explain it to Master at one point. When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing. Its several voices talking over each other. One argues to safeword. One argues that I can take more. One says to push my limits. One says to back off. One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering. It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more. By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.

It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head. I become catatonic. I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword. I stop recognizing my own name. I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.

Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second. Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing. In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me. In my head, I can take anything he can dream up. In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.

I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword. There are the individuals who play without them. People like those who taught me. There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes. You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship. You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.

Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights. There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago. We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.

I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword. Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property. I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master. I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most. I am his to do with as he pleases. I am there for his pleasure and in service to him. That is how I view my submission. Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword. I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.

The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way. But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.

*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years. What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.

Green – Go

Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down

Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene

Black- End everything immediately

Blue- I need water/I need comfort

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

An Excerpt From Mira O’Hart’s Erotic Novel “Master & Slave” – Book 1 The Sale

January 30, 2021 By Mira OHart 2 Comments

sexy Domme with whip — via stock.adobe.com

***This work takes place in a fictional world where slavery is legal (sort of like Gor). This work is for fantasy purposes only and is not an accurate portrayal of a BDSM relationship.

***All works of erotica are fictional. We never condone anything that is not consensual.

***Click here to read part 1

Oh, please don’t make me do this part.” Steven looked alternately at brian who knelt before him and john who waited patiently by the kitchen doorway. He watched as the pair exchanged glances and silently agreed that john should speak.

“We beg your pardon, Sir. I’m afraid neither of us understand. What is it in this exchange that you dislike?” john glanced at brian for approval of his wording. Though he would have preferred that his more experienced counterpart ask the question, he understood that brian faced a greater risk if his Master’s anger were to be kindled. brian gave the slightest of nods that only a slave would notice.

“I don’t want to hit him. Why is this necessary?”

“Sir, I submit myself to whatever method of introduction you prefer, Sir. A gentleman should not have to pain his hand on a slave, Sir.” brian bowed his head.

“Sir? You would prefer to use something on him, Sir?” john raised questioning eyes to his Master.

“No. I would prefer if we sit here as friends, as equals and enjoy some television.”

“Sir, I would never presume to be your equal, Sir.” brian took a deep breath and continued cautiously, “However, if I may, Sir…” he paused and awaited rebuke. Steven said nothing but gestured for him to continue. “If your intent is to show kindness, Sir, it is possible to complete the ceremony… with compassion, Sir.”

“Oh, good. Show me.” Steven got clumsily down on his knees, mirroring brian.

john heard the relief in his Master’s voice, and he saw the unspoken horror in brian’s eyes when he realized that the free man wanted to play the slave in this exchange. If the thought of being lifted to equal status was uncomfortable- this – putting a gentleman below himself- was unimaginable.

“Sir,” john walked hastily to his Master’s side and quickly knelt beside him, as standing over him felt vastly inappropriate. “It may be more beneficial, Sir, for you both to stay in your accustomed roles, and brian can walk you through the exchange as it would normally take place. After all, it wouldn’t do you much good to know what to do in our position. It is the gentleman’s choice that dictates the exchange. All we do is acquiesce.”

john watched the relief on his friend’s face as his Master rose again to his feet. Thankfully, his Master was rather easily persuaded- though john vowed to never take advantage of this as some slaves might- it was useful in such cases where Steven was compelled to stand social propriety on its head.

“Okay. What should I do?”

“Sir, first, it would be helpful if I knew that I could speak freely throughout this… charade…. exchange…. production… exercise…endeavor, Sir.”

“Yes, brian, of course.”

“Sir, Thank you, Sir. Now, if it happens that you’re being introduced to a slave and you wish to be compassionate- it’s all right, Sir- reach your hand toward my face.”

Steven extended his arm eagerly toward brian, who flinched. “Sorry. You know I’m not going to hit you, right?”

“Sir, yes, Sir. Certain reflexes are difficult to unlearn, Sir. A hint, Sir, slow and measured movements will be appreciated by any slave, Sir.”

Steven reached forward with a slow and steady calm. When his fingers reached brian’s face he halted.

“Sir, lovely Sir. Now, Sir, cup my face.”

“How?”

“Reach out, slowly. Your ring finger will rest slightly below my earlobe. Your palm is pressed against the line of my jaw. Your thumb will rest over my mouth.”

“Is this right?’

“Yes, Sir. You’re doing splendidly, Sir.”

“Is this method always an option?”

‘Sir, yes Sir. We are accustomed to being cuffed, Sir. But it is most appreciated when a gentleman chooses to be gracious.”

“I guess most men prefer a brute display of strength.”

“Sir, press your palm against my cheek,” brian allowed his head to be tilted easily at Steven’s touch. “The control is entirely in your hands, Sir. Sometimes the most potent display of force, is in its absence.”

“How do I know when we’re finished?”

“Slide your palm further up on my face, covering my cheek. Now, bring your hand down and forward until it is in front of my mouth. Once you allow me to kiss your hand, the interaction is complete.”

Steven did as brian instructed. He’d gotten slightly more comfortable with the hand kissing, due to weekly interaction with john. He felt the soft press of brian’s lips. Steven ran his thumb over brian’s mouth and the slave placed a kiss there as well. He turned his hand and allowed brian a third kiss to the back of his hand.

“Sir, thank you, Sir.”

Mira O’Hart credits her life long love of words, books and language to her Mom, who read to her every day. “Bookie” was one of her first words and publishing her own novel became a goal by age 10. Mira studied Journalism and Psychology at Penn State and later returned for a Master’s Degree in Education. Her varied career has included journalism, community mental health and school counseling.

Her passions include reading, writing, animals and travel. Italy and Greece are two of her favorite places visited so far. Her love of the written word has inspired her to study ancient languages including Latin, Egyptian Hieroglyphs and Summarian. She lives in North Eastern Pa with her cats, Tilly and Chloe.

This week in kink: February 1, 2021

January 30, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Recent studies find that BDSM practitioners favor Biden over Trump.

Click below to better understand this ideology from KinkD!

The Netflix show, Bonding, has recently received a lot of flack from the Kink Community.

Because of this, the writers changed the ending of Season 2.

Click below to find out more from Variety!

Don’t miss learning more about Armie Hammer’s and Paige Lorenze’s polyamorous, kinky relationship.

Alternative relationships styles are becoming more popular/in the mainstream.

This a big step for kinksters everywhere!

Click below to read more from yahoo! entertainment!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Popular Kinks You Should Know About

January 24, 2021 By Grace Murphy 2 Comments

boy slave in shibari — via stock.adobe.com

When it comes to kinks and fetishes, there are all kinds of niche things that some people are turned on by, but others that are relatively popular and well known. If you are looking to explore something new or just want to know what to search for when you are looking for porn or seeing people talk about their own kinks, then here are five popular kinks that tend to be talked about quite often, and which you should know about:

MILFs and Older Women

The kink of being interested in older women, who may or may not be mothers, is a very common one – so common in fact that ‘MILF’ is one of the most popular porn search terms in the world. It is easy to understand the appeal of this one – older women are, at least in most people’s fantasies – more experienced and more confident, and this is something a lot of men find pretty hot.

Of course, in porn, the term MILF tends to be used more as an age range for the performers, rather than as specifying any particular kink, and so not everybody who is into watching MILF porn stars or interactive things like MILF cam girls is actually younger than the women themselves and has a kink for older women. Still, if you have a kink for MILFs or older women in general, the popularity of this kink means that you will have no trouble finding cam girls to watch in your preferred age range – find out more here by checking out Babe Station, which is one of the best sites around for cam girls and has plenty of MILFs on the roster.

BDSM

BDSM isn’t so much a specific kink as an umbrella term for all kinds of different sexual dynamics that involve domination and submission. The term also covers ‘S&M’, which means sadism and masochism, and bondage. BDSM can cover such a huge array of different sexual practices and interests that in itself is more of a way of identifying you are into kinky stuff in general than being specific about, for instance, whether you are into things like spanking and impact play, or whether you prefer a dominant or submissive role.

However, since ideas around BDSM have become far more mainstream thanks to the popularity of erotica books like Fifty Shades of Grey – which doesn’t give a particularly accurate idea of what people who are into BDSM do or are like but did make more people curious about the kinks discussed in it – lighter aspects of BDSM like experimenting with being tied up or blindfolded are things even a lot of fairly ‘vanilla’ people do.

Pegging

Pegging is when a woman uses a strap on to anally penetrate a man. This can be part of a BDSM type dynamic where a woman is dominant, also known as femdom, though it is also something some men just enjoy because anal penetration can feel pleasurable due to the prostate stimulation it creates, and for straight men, this is a way to add it into their sex lives. This means that some people who are into pegging prefer the dominatrix aspect of it, whereas others are just into the physical act itself. Pegging is becoming more widely talked about and mainstream, with people who had previously seen strap-ons as something usually used by women on other women as something that can be introduced into heterosexual sex as well.

DDlg

DDlg stands for ‘daddy dominant and little girl’, and while that may make it sound a bit dodgy, it is really just a description of a type of BDSM dynamic between adults, where the dominant in the relationship acts as a kind of caregiver to the submissive, who takes on an extremely submissive persona similar to a child. It can be something that describes only the way the couple interacts sexually or can describe their whole relationship dynamic all the time, depending on how much the people in question see BDSM as a lifestyle versus just something they adopt when they have sex. The term DDlg refers to a relationship with a male dominant and female submissive, but this type of dynamic also exists in reverse, and between same-sex couples, so the dominant and ‘little’ can be of any gender combination.

Cuckold or Hotwife

Cuckoldry refers to men who have a kink for having their wife or partner have sex with other men, usually with an element of humiliation involved for the man himself. Hotwife is an adjacent kink, where within a couple the wife has sex with other people with the husband’s knowledge and permission (often with him watching, joining in, or arranging the encounters for her), but where the humiliation of the husband isn’t part of it.

These are just some of the most talked-about kinks and sex terms right now, and of course, there are hundreds of other fetishes, kinks, and sex acts that you can find out about or explore!

Grace is an experienced writer who loves to create content on a variety of lifestyle topics, including relationships and dating.

Kat Blaque Watches 50 Shades of Grey

January 24, 2021 By Kat Blaque 2 Comments

The film, 50 Shades Of Grey, has been widely debated and commented on within the Kink Community.

This week, BDSMer Kat Blaque gives her opinion of this movie and how it represents those in the lifestyle.

Click below to find out more!

Actual BDSMer Watches Fifty Shades of Grey | Kat Blaque

Watch this video on YouTube

This week in kink: January 25, 2021

January 24, 2021 By Desdemona 3 Comments

Don’t miss Yeha Leung’s dashing fetish-wear brought to us by Vogue!

Click below to learn more about her fabulous pieces!

New to the lifestyle?

Need a re-fresh on aftercare?

Then, check out this amazing article by SELF that explains aftercare isn’t only for kinksters!

Want to learn more about female sexuality?

Tune more into your own sexuality?

Provide more empathy and understanding for your partner and their desires?

Then, click below to read a riveting article from Psychology Today!

Using BDSM To Cope With Trauma

January 17, 2021 By VICE 2 Comments

Many folks have found therapeutic benefits to practicing BDSM.

We, at KinkWeekly, have published many articles on just that.

Click below to find out more about how BDSM can aide with the effects of being a trauma survivor!

***Please note, that BDSM is usually not the only thing needed to treat the effects of trauma. BDSM can help, but is usually not the only therapeutic modality needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo4mF-17lVQ

Communications Methods For Kinksters

January 17, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy — via stock.adobe.com

For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters. It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM. Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires. It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken. It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong. You can laugh and cry. You can scream or moan. You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues. You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter? What if you were trained to obey and never question? What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner? Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?” (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges. In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.

Three of us have learned to communicate. We have learned to talk to each other logically. We have learned to listen. We know how to barter and negotiate. We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well. We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do. Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication. While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares. They do not need to make sense. Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it. You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself. Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic. Master required I journal as well. He rarely read it. However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth. He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect. However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now. Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them. Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely. It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say. You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started. It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication. It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely. Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you? One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio. I have. I use this method often. I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen. Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees. You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW). For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me. This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions. Take a breather. Come back to it when you are calm. The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances. Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen. If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes. Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two. That is understandable. We are adults. This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private. It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need. This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently. Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition. This does not reflect badly on either one of you. It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones. Avoid the word “but” when possible.

Example:

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down. If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today. I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone. They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry. My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot. I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent. This does not negate that their heart was in the right place. So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues. While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind. It is about listening and understanding. Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key. Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers. If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate. It simply matters that you are.

Building A Flogger

January 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 4 Comments

When I began building floggers, I didn’t have the benefit of learning from anyone how to do it. I spent time searching out various tutorials, print and video, and got frustrated. What I had in my head wasn’t what I was seeing anywhere. Much like when I cook, I had to take what I saw as the best parts of lots of different recipes, keeping the necessary ingredients while making the taste my own.

Locals in our community have opportunities to craft implements with me on occasion, when I’ve offered a course, complete with leather, tools and guidance. I always promise them their first will turn out light years better than mine did – some goodwill sweatpants cut into strips and glued on a piece of dowel.

How I build

I start by deciding what I want my flogger to feel like (see my prior articles for more information about that). Suffice to say, the amount and texture of the leather I use will depend greatly on what I’ve decided.

Once I’ve decided what the feel should be, I examine my larger piece of leather to determine where the size piece I have chosen will best fit. Sometimes the size of the larger piece will force my hand, if it has limitations.

Once I have cut my piece or pieces away from the larger hide, I often switch my focus to the handle. Braiding works best in multiples of four, so if I’m going to braid the handle I need to find leather scrap long enough to cut into strips that will braid well. If I’m stitching, I measure with a great deal more exactness, cutting a rectangle the precise size I will need to fully cover my handle. Waxed thread works best with leather, though I will occasionally wax my own so I can customize my options a little better.

Handle complete, I create the section of falls. I know some people will use a piece of leather the length of their handle, then split falls off, but I prefer about an inch of overlap from the base of the handle rather than wrapping the full length. I measure twice down the row, marking my future cuts with tailor’s chalk. It turns out chalk works well on most leathers, since it just rubs off easily. I advise students to measure from the same side when they mark, to avoid slanted cuts if the body of their piece is uneven.

Once falls are marked and cut, I use glue on the band of the fall section and wrap it around the base of the handle. For most, upholstery tacks finish that portion. Some may want to upgrade to knotwork over their fall section, but that’s done more easily with a video tutorial. There are some excellent ones on YouTube, though I personally find Viper’s video tutorial to be the best out there. I believe he has them for sale in his etsy shop.

The handle strap is next, and I often cut the strap, end cap circle and covering wrap all at once. Some people think the end strap is for your wrist. I’ll agree to disagree with those folks. I build mine shorter, clearly hanging straps, though I can make them longer for those who request that. This top section can also be covered with knotwork for those who prefer, or finished with tacks as well.

The one thing I emphasize is that the devil is in the details. My wraps start from the same side of the handle. I position hanging loop straps equidistant from what I determine is a centerline on the handle. I make sure diamonds in braided handles line up, and stitching is in a straight line rather than wandering.

When my students finish, I warn them about set times for their glue. Test swings are one thing, but attempting a full scene with an implement whose glue hasn’t finished curing can lead to things shifting or even coming apart. They don’t always listen, but at least I gave them the information.

I believe building implements for one’s own bag is a skill everyone can learn. What I have noticed, however, is that those who spend the time to try it once begin to appreciate the pricing of handcrafted implements a little more. They come to understand the time and effort which goes into the creation of each piece.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Transitioning To The BDSM Lifestyle

January 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

naked male sub bound — via stock.adobe.com

I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM. She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it. Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.

Reader: I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM. IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME. BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED. FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM? AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD. HELPPPP!

They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life. And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you. Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”

And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt. Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer. Instead of social events, we have social distancing. Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM. Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors. But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.) I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.

Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise? Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket. Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of a sense of desperation.

Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM. He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world. Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you. I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up. This could be the reason for your tears.

Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system. Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you. Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This transition will take time.

Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can. Learn about yourself. Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch? What play excites you the most? Are you into pain? As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.” As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”

Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears. For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry. Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable. You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.

Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey” Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic. But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures. And it is always good for a laugh or two.

In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system. And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system. For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.