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Negotiation And Consent

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Kink is a power exchange.  

How do you KNOW as a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Sir/Mistress etc (collectively “Top”) that you have the consent of your submissive?  

As a submissive, how do you come to the decision to choose to relinquish your power safely? How do  you choose your Top?  

Let’s be honest, as a Top, if you did some of the things that run-of-the-mill kink play routinely involves to  a person who had NOT given you their consent, you might very well get charged, arrested, prosecuted  and convicted. 

Kink is a coin with two sides. It only works if the Top and the Bottom, the Dom and the Sub, the Master  and the slave are in alignment and it works best when there is full unconstrained communication.  

One of the toughest aspects around the issue of monitoring consent during a scene is that both the Dom  and the sub often experience mind-altering states that often makes clear communication difficult.  

Kink is intense. It is a must to negotiate the parameters from a place of clarity, and I would argue, with  complete authenticity.  

There is good reason to discuss what is on the table (bondage, impact play, needles, gags, and/or dildos,  for instance) as well as for how long, how intense, and what the limits are.  

Do you as a sub, know your limits? Are you wanting to test your limits? As a Dom, are you someone who  understands how to stretch limits within the boundaries of hard limits? Do you have an agreement on aftercare? 

Hard limits, those things you just won’t do, must be stated and agreed to without reservation.  

Kink requires safe words…I like the Yellow/Red combination. What does red mean? Do you end the scene or just move on to some other aspect of play? What about yellow? If I am flogging my sub and she  says “yellow” what that means in our dynamic is “back off a bit, but please continue.”

When he/she says “I give you my consent” do you know what that means for him/her, do you  understand his/her limits hard and soft? Do you know what he/she is expecting, for how long you have  his/her consent? Do you know what his/her safe words are, and the way he/she understands them?  

There is an argument, especially in pick-up-play, to be made for ongoing clarifications and requests for  consent to be made as the scene progresses in order to keep the participants on the same page. For  example, “I am going to spank you now with my bare hand, do I have your consent?” After spanking  him/her ask “I am going to increase the intensity, do I have your consent?” And so on.  

The most important part of the negotiation is really what happens after play, and what I call “the  debriefing”. It is during the discussion about what was done and how it went that you come to  agreement about what works and what does not. What is desired and what is designated as off limits, and not to be part of future play.  

Ongoing dynamics are negotiated power exchanges that do not generally require repetitive  conversations about consent, but in even well-established dynamics, there is a need to make sure that  the play evolves keeping both parties fully engaged in the experience.  

As a Dom, my view is that for me, a total power exchange is the perfect dynamic. Even in that dynamic,  because my submissive has agency, whenever we introduce new experiences in play, there is a  conversation before, during and after that addresses how she is doing, is she wanting more of what we  are doing, does she want harder impact, should we go on longer etc. The point is that we live in a 24/7  TPE and we enjoy an energetic connection that requires no words, so when we do new things, we speak  a lot about how it lands and how she likes it and how I can expand her limits and so on. Consent is an  ongoing conversation that we always engage in.  

Why do I say that one should be their authentic self when giving or seeking consent or negotiating  limits? Think about this, if you are a dreamy sub and have all the feels for the Dom you are negotiating  with and he says “I am into knife play” and for you, it’s a hard limit, but you don’t want to disappoint  and so you say “It’s a soft limit”, then you go into a play session with a major concerns and you cannot  relax and you are worried he is going to pull out a knife and you are worried about being cut and worse.  The scene will not go well for you or him. If you were your authentic self, and you said, “that’s a hard  limit”, then you would have no concerns about being cut or poked or scratched etc. He might have been  disappointed, and he might have made an attempt to negotiate. He might share that his way of  engaging in knife play may not be about cutting you, but instead be about getting you to move for him  to avoid being cut, for example, and it may be something you come to try and enjoy and look forward  to, but since you pretended to be interested in it, your head never got into subspace during the  scene….and so I think that it is best to be authentic. Only agree to things you know you can handle on  either side of the slash.  

If you are new at kink, there is a lot to consider in negotiating with a play partner. First, are you chatting  with someone with the same goal? Is this pickup play, are you thinking longer term? Are you clear what  the experience level is? Do you have knowledge of the tools planned to be used? Is there attraction? Are you clear in your thinking? Do you have a friend you are in communication with that knows where you  are going and who you are with? Are you negotiating about an evening or a weekend or longer? Does  the person with whom you are negotiating scratch your itch? Do they understand what you are seeking  exactly? Will there be penetration? Do you require condom use? There are so many details to get right.  The main thing is to be in communication so that if a detail gets missed, there is a pathway to resolving the issue.  

There comes a decision point in any negotiation. A point where, as a Dom, you get to ask the sub to give  you her consent. When I was in this situation with a new potential partner, I would have her go off in  private to do a task I requested in order to set the stage. After she made the decision to give her  consent, in order to demonstrate that she was in fact giving me her consent, the last step to bring the  negotiation to an end and to begin the scene, I would give her a butt plug and lube and send her to the  bathroom so she could have one more opportunity to consider what came next, and a chance for her to  choose to go forward or not in private without any pressure. She was given the choice to go and insert  it, with the instruction to bring me her underwear by way of confirming that she was giving me her consent. I have met with prospective subs where they chose to go forward and sometimes, they chose  not to go forward. Kink is as intimate as it gets. If a sub chose not to go forward, I would always honor  her choice, no questions asked. She must choose to submit from my point of view. Period.  

In the case of negotiating around discipline rather than play, when I negotiate with a sub for hard impact  play or brutal punishment as in the context of a discipline where accountability is the issue and sexual  contact is not at issue. In this case, I require her to give me her consent on video with her spoken words  so that if there was a later dispute, that would be time stamped evidence.  

Kink is very exciting, It’s very hot. It’s risky and edgy, and it’s super fun. BUT it’s only those things when  both sides of the slash are in full agreement without constraint.  

Be smart. Negotiate from a place of complete authenticity, and reach agreements that allow you to play unreservedly. Otherwise, how can you give your consent or accept the consent of your play partner?  

Lady Petra Playground  

A Kink Relationship Coaching Program offered by Lady Petra and SafferMaster  

Kinky Cocktail Hour Podcast  

Find Lady Petra Playground at https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground

This week in kink: January 11, 2020

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Feeling lonely and isolated during the pandemic?

Want to meet more people?

Then, check out this awesome list of the best hook-up sites from Reader!

https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/top-20-hookup-sites-that-actually-work-and-get-you-laid/Content?oid=85357620

Many think that being a kinkster is linked to trauma. However, a recent scientific study has disbanded this ideology.

Click below to read more from Big Think!

https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/bdsm-psychology-trauma

BDSM has become more normalized in recent years (key word being “more.” In a lot of areas it’s still not widely accepted, and is still viewed as deviant/taboo).

With this being said, Feminism in India touches on the normalization of kink, feminism, dominance/submission, history, and how this all relates to the expression of sexuality, gender, and the current political climate.

Click below to find out more!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The  Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a  Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things: 

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the  need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments 

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant 

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely  burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do 

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches  the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why  something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive  think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured  communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book,  “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results! 

The Routine Task List Exercise 

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version: 

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them. 

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s  best to establish a set time to prepare a written list. 

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the  dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list  of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the  exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because  the submissive is forced to think like the dominant. 

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the  dominant’s preferences. 

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell  into each category: 

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to  have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the  dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub  happy, are not actually submission for them 

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do 

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain  WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to  explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant  and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list. 

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria: 

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the  submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”,  “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the  submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without  the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule. 

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that  can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant  should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the  dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list. 

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done. 

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course,  is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try  again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise,  the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list. 

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered  to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and  more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is  performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant. 

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the  submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the  dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs. 

John’s Attestation 

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of  success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s  Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission: 

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you  who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task  List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first  (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply  irresistible! 

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In  it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz  and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction  to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It  was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from  my first list made it to the routine list. 

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to  be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because  they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER. 

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every  chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not  moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that  wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing  anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she  was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my  core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did. 

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had  a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It  was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching  my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She  also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to  [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain  circumstances. 

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than  I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant.  She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed  – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission,  but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it. 

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis  anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her  servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have  changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind,  but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself  acting in accordance with them, without having to try. 

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first  component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The  other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU. 

Wrapping it Up 

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing  their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater  communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the  submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has  truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course. 

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic  regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

This week in kink news: January 4, 2021

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Want to start off the new year with learning more about kink?

Then, check out these awesome educational resources on Insta from elite daily!

Begin your 2021 BDSM journey today! :)

Cuckholding has become more commonly talked about and explored in recent years.

With this being said, don’t miss this riveting article on this intriguing fetish from Explore Health!

Click below to find out more about if cuckholding is for you!

Let’s start 2021 off right with body positivity, feminism, and leather work by reading this awesome article featuring Emma Alamo!

The pictures and her work is so gorgeous! We at Kink Weekly love her message too!

Check it out!

Harnessing Your Feminine Power: A Q+A with Leather Artisan and Body Positivity Advocate Emma Alamo

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Erotica: Silly Little Slut

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***All works of erotica are based on ficional scenarios. We never condone anything that is not consensual.

I don’t like cats.  Not really.  Except that they kill rodents.

But watching you move with cat-like grace on those impossibly high heels…  Delectable.  Yes, you caught my attention.  Perfect feline fluidity…  You slid up on the bar stool smoothly as you caught my eye.  Maybe I caught yours.  But I also caught your short dress sliding up your lean, finely muscled thighs.

I’m not normally a foot guy, either.  Most women act so proud of their feet when they should be the opposite.  But yours are … perfect.  It’s the arch, of course, but also the proportion.  The mere sight of them incites in my mind’s eye all manner of images of the tender torture I could inflict upon them.  I watched, entranced almost, as you let one shoe slide off, half-way, letting it dangle provocatively, pretending it was an accident. 

I sent the barman over to you with an offer of a drink.  You waved your hand at him from side to side, palm up.

“No, thank you.”

And then you turned to face me.  And uncrossed your legs.  And flashed me … a smile, too.  A winsome smile, telling me without words that no, you weren’t wearing any panties under your sheer pantyhose, as if you hadn’t shown me that fact already.  Silently you asked with your sparkling eyes, “What are you going to do to me?”

You had a different meaning for that sentence than mine, I’m sure.  Much different.

I made a move to walk over to you, and again with the hand.  A silent “no, don’t.”  I sat back down.  And still you continued your show.

Your cock-teasing continued the effect you expected.  My jeans tightened as the swelling increased.

Silly little slut…

No one else seemed to want to make an advance on you.  For me, it was a private show in public.  For them…  It was as if they had all seen your show before, and knew it for the cotton-candy cock-teasing that you intended.  All sugar; no spice.  Plenty of appetizer, but no entree.

A few more minutes and you watched me leave.  I’d had enough.  You seemed … disappointed.

What you didn’t know was what would happen later.

When you have no one else to tease, you’ll slither off the bar stool, perhaps letting your dress ride up to your hard, perfect cheerleader ass.  Maybe not that high, but you’ll make sure to give the room an accidentally-on-purpose exhibition.  You’ll slide your delicious feet back into your come-fuck-me pumps and give the room one last display of your sensuous feline stride.

And being you, you’ll head to the parking garage after checking all around to see if you’ve put anyone over the top.  Then, click-clicking along in your heels, you’ll make your way to your car.  You won’t notice the van parked a few spaces away; you never do.  But your pace won’t slow as you click-click-click along the concrete garage floor, racing to the safety of your car.

A few steps from that serene automotive cocoon, you’ll feel the leather glove over your mouth, and you’ll smell the leather too, because my hand over your mouth will also cover your cute little nose, stifling your screams into frightened whimpers and pulling you by your head back against my chest.

Then you’ll feel the other glove, sliding fast and hard up your delicately athletic thigh, sliding your dress up and cupping your pussy as I lift you off the garage floor and carry you squirming and flailing into the van.  When the van door slides shut, you’ll know what awaits you.  You’ll fight harder, but have no chance; you’re nowhere near a match for me physically.  And when I place you face-down into the pile of sheets laid there just for you, pressing your pretty face into the linen to silence you as I straddle your head, you’ll know you’ve lost–and that *no one* is coming to save you. 

When your arms are tightly bound behind you–with bondage tape the first time, but after that, you’ll experience the tight sensation of rope and straps–I’ll stuff your mouth full of cloth and then seal it with more tape.  Then still more tape to cover your eyes, and finally viciously tight wraps of tape around your trim, delicate ankles.

I’m sure you’ll squirm and fight even after you’re hopelessly bound–thrashing wildly on the hard van floor as I run my hands up and down your legs, playing with your perfect ass, probably even after I slap your ass hard several times as a warning.  When I rip your pantyhose open and slide my fingers inside to moisten you, you’ll be relieved.  You’ll take silent solace in the fact that at least I’ll be using your cunt.  And when I mount you, you’ll realize you were wrong.

And then I’ll whisper into your ear, as you twist and squirm under me in a futile effort to escape, the first words you’ll hear from me.

“Don’t worry, slut.  You’ll get it there, too, deep in your tight little quim, before I’m finished.  And if you’re a good little cunt, I’ll fuck your pretty face, too.  But not here.  Somewhere else.  It’s going to be a *long* weekend.  There’ll be *plenty* of time…”

I won’t tell you, though, while I’m raping all your openings, that when we’re finished, I’ll tie you up tighter than ever, making sure everything is as uncomfortable as possible.  I’ll drive you back to your car, reveling in your pathetic struggles to get free, and bind you securely in the driver’s seat with all your shredded clothes lying in the passenger seat, your eye-catching high-heeled pumps lying outside the driver’s door.  Then I’ll lock your car door and set the alarm and throw away your keys, all so the Monday-morning commuters can see you, imprisoned in your car, praying for and dreading your rescue.

And how can I be so certain of all this?

I’ve been watching you for a *very* long time…

Thanks for reading.  If you’d like to read (complete, non-serialized) stories I’ve written, please come visit: https://tinyurl.com/yycvsgr6

I’ve been writing erotica–niche adult fantasy (C/NC and N/C)–for the enjoyment of my readers for a number of years.  My greatest reward comes from knowing the pleasure my words bring to my readers.  If you want to let me know how you liked this story, feel free to drop me a line here: j.s.phoenix.1975@gmail.com

Consensual Non-Consent In BDSM/Kink

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Webster’s defines “oxymoron” as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”. Examples include such things as original copy, freezer burn, genuine fake, quiet roar, controlled chaos, silent scream, terribly good, passive aggressive, random order, and jumbo shrimp (some would put military intelligence in there as well).

And then there’s “nonconsenual consent”. What the hell does that mean? isn’t it dangerous? How can that possibly be safe, sane, and… ehrrr… consensual?

The simplest answer is that nonconsensual consent is, essentially, rape play (another oxymoron). It’s where you and a partner engage in a scene that mimics a sexual assault… within the parameters you both set.

Now let’s set this out at the beginning; this is a potentially dangerous and dark corner of BDSM that isn’t for everyone and, even for those it is, shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s been my experience that many gals who claim they’re looking for rape play have actually been raped; engaging in a controlled, pretend form of it could well be cathartic, or it could be horribly disastrous.

It’s certainly advanced play and definitely a deep end you shouldn’t jump into during your learning period of the scene. It also requires (typically long-term) partners who understand and intuit each other very well, as often the scene will go beyond simple negotiations, into areas and feelings you may not have been able to initially comprehend.

All parties involved need to have a deep understanding and comprehension of, and be very good at “reading”, each other. This is particularly important for the top (the rape-er) with regards to the bottom (the rape-ee). 

You really can’t engage in too much preparation, as nonsensual consent isn’t something to be entered into lightly. If a scene goes south it can get very ugly very quickly. It’s not like hitting someone in the wrong spot; this can leave seriously psychological damage if done improperly.

Not that this sort of scene necessarily involve only two people. Indeed, if the bottom wants to be truly physically subdued while they’re fighting back, then at least two tops need to be involved.

It’s important to discuss ahead of time what each of you is hoping to achieve from the scene, emotionally and physically. And it’s perhaps even more important to have a safe word or gesture in place should things get too intense. Because it’s been my experience that they can become very, very intense.

Also, since roughly 70-80% of women have actually been raped to some degree, it’s vitally important to be aware of any triggers which may be present, and avoid them at all costs.

And this brings us to the rules, of which there aren’t any, at least ones that are set in stone. Some won’t want their face slapped, others will. Some won’t want a knife involved, others will want to be cut. Some won’t want physical violence, others will relish the pain and resulting bruises. 

Then there’s what the top is looking for. Some will enjoy physically restraining someone who’s fighting back, others won’t. Some will want a bottom who’s fighting back, others will want a more passive victim. Some will enjoy name calling, others will prefer to be more genteel (at least as genteel as a pretend-rapist can be I suppose).

As mentioned, scenes can be as simple as a one-on-one between two partners, all the way to a full-on abduction, where the bottom is grabbed off the street, trussed up in a filthy van, and dragged away to an unknown location to have who-knows-what done to them (said who-knows-what having been negotiated ahead of time).

It should be added that the latter sort of scene requires a tremendous amount of planning with skilled, experienced tops. At its most basic level, you don’t want to be seen abducting someone in broad daylight, as most citizens will tend to dial 911. And explaining things to the police will harsh your buzz pretty quick. 

Myself, I’ve only engaged in this sort of scene a handful of times, having found that it’s an itch that can be scratched relatively easily. Still, they were all very intense and satisfying, for both parties involved. They all tended to be of a type, one of which I can share as an example.

The victim, a gal I had been intimate with for some small time, agreed to be wrapped securely and inescapably in large amounts of duct tape, over clothing which was no longer terribly viable; indeed, it needed to be tossed out. Since neither of us cared for the wrestle-someone-into-bondage scenario, we agreed that she’d wake up already bound and gagged.

Enter myself, the villian. Armed only with a pair of scissors I was to cut her clothing off such that she’d be sexually available while still keeping her securely bound & gagged. And this I did do with great gusto. I took special pains to ensure that when I grabbed her shirt and bra to cut them off, I also grabbed her nipple by “accident” and pretended I was going to cut it off as well. She later admitted that she’d almost safe worded here, she was so terrified.

She, of course, fought back as best she could, but I’d tied her so she couldn’t engage in very much of that. Still, a lot of wrestling was involved; we both got pretty good workouts. There wasn’t much clothing left that wasn’t attached to duct tape.

In the end I cut off enough of her pants and undies such that I had full availability of her lady parts which, unlike in an actual rape, were extremely well lubricated. For the record, it is entirely possible to enter a lady whose legs are tied if you pull her knees towards her chest and come in from behind. 

After, releasing her took very little time, as duct tape is easy to cut off, and it was mostly attached to her clothing. We had both found it very satisfying, if exhausting.

Of course, what tripped our triggers may leave you cold. Only you and a willing partner(s) can decide what you’re looking for, if this is even something you’re interested in. I certainly don’t recommend it for everyone and it shouldn’t necessarily be on your kinky bucket list.

Still, if it’s something you might find intriguing, find a partner, do your research, get to know each other, and perhaps give it a go. But be careful! This is not the sort of scene that is terriby forgiving should things go south.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Gynosupremacy, The Internet, and The Loss of Individuality

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

My brain-dump of the day started with a response to a question about whether the dominant women in  our group have their submissives serve “all women” with whom they come in contact; to yield to  women as superiors and to enslave themselves by virtue of gender. 

I had heard this concept before, and had always thought of it as a male fantasy. I had always assumed  that the allure of every woman being their superior; the thought that they were “under” every woman – was an imagery men craved. It just struck me as a convenient way for men to live in a titillated state  throughout the day and, frankly, to push their kink onto unsuspecting – and non-consenting women.  However, I was surprised to find that some of the women in the room not only had given that very order  to their submissives, but truly believed in gynosupremacy. 

I questioned those that had ordered their subs to treat all women as superiors as to whether the idea  was theirs or their submissive’s. Most either admitted that the guy had been first to recommend it, or  that they couldn’t recall who suggested it first…that it just kind of “became a thing.” However, there  were a couple of women who proudly stated that it was their original directive. I questioned their  rationale. The discussion became lively. 

I had addressed the concept of “supremacy” in my books before that discussion and started down the  logic trail. For me, submission is a dedication to an individual and I feel that when you generalize based  on a trait, you lose individuality. I related it to feeling commoditized by gender-related bias. I posited: 

“Can you see how a blanket statement about women in general being superior, makes  none of us special? I’m not just a woman. What is it about ME that makes someone want to submit TO ME? As opposed to any other women, for example? Am I just the  most convenient woman around right now? If not me, will the next woman do? Is what  makes me special that I have a vagina – and am willing to allow someone to serve me?  No thank you! 

The notion that someone’s gender is all that’s necessary to warrant submission dilutes the value of that submission. Submission is a dynamic between two people, not between  two genders. Furthermore, if you define gender as an identity, then are we implying  that, if someone identifies as a man, they are not superior – but if they decide to identify  as a woman, they are? I’m sorry, but that would confuse me!” 

I think it’s safe to assume that, when we look at women and men as individuals, rather than as  generalized men and women, we see their strengths and weaknesses. There are individual character  traits that could make someone a very good, or a very poor dominant – or a very good, or a very poor  submissive, irrespective of their gender. It’s not the existence or lack of existence of a “Y” chromosome  (or one’s gender identity) that makes someone dominant or submissive. All men are really NOT  alike…nor are all women. I know many women who I would follow anywhere – and others who I would  never follow … EVER.

I started asking about the nature of their dynamics. Surprisingly, a majority had online relationships  with their submissives. Many of the relationships in the room were either completely limited to the  internet, or predominantly remote with occasional real-life interaction. 

That then got me going on the impact of the digital world on individuality. I started to consider that the  number of relationships people establish (at all levels of seriousness and of all relationship types) with  people they have never, or seldom met – and don’t really know, is growing due to the internet. It brings  people with similar interests together and improves the efficiency of the compatibility filtering process.  Additionally, the allure of anonymity is strong, particularly for people exploring an “edge” interest. But this remoteness is a double-edged sword. The worlds of reality and fantasy blend on the internet. You’re  never really certain who you’re with – as there are few immediate repercussions to your actions. 

I began to wonder if the notion that “all women are worthy of submission” stems, in part, from being  able to interact with people without knowing them. Does the internet make a partner easier to sculpt in  general terms – and to create an image of a person that matches your fantasy? I think it’s pretty clear that it does. 

In fact, I believe this image-creation phenomenon is also largely to blame for the number of men who  believe that a woman will jump at the opportunity to dominate them, just because they’re willing to be  dominated. If you’re a dominant woman with an online identity, you’ve very likely been approached, multiple times, by men who have already decided to submit to you, without knowing you at all – and  then, who are hurt if you don’t want them to serve you without getting to know one another!  

I’m also certain that there are a number of you reading this today, who have been disappointed – or  even hurt – when the imagery presented online and the reality of present-relationships don’t match. Or  when you yourself don’t seem to live up to the imagery that was projected onto you. 

Part of the allure – and the primary reason for the failure – of the internet for creating relationships is  that partners become commodities. You live in the fantasy of your imagination for a period of time, and  when that burns out, you move on to the next online partner. Imagining that every woman is a superior  – or that every male is an underling – is a generalization that is highly supported by the way the online  world masks our individuality. 

I find generalizations, as a rule, to be troublesome (irony intended). I find the notion of supremacy (in  any flavor: Female, Male, Black, White, etc.) particularly distasteful on many levels. I am an individual. I  want to be treated as an individual and I want to receive my due based on the merits of who I am, how I  think, and what I do. If someone wants to submit to me, they had better be prepared to explain what it  is about ME that compels you to make that type of commitment. What separates me from all others like  me. If they’re going to submit, they will submit to what’s between my ears, not what’s between my legs! 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Pros And Cons Of Contracts

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I was recently involved in a conversation regarding the use of Slavery Contracts within a dynamic. I  thought it would be an interesting discussion to start here in Rika’s Lair. 

Do you need a contract to establish a meaningful power dynamic? Of course not. Will it help? That  depends on the people writing the contract; how much clarity they need; how realistic they are in  creating it; and what expectations they have in signing it. There are Pros and Cons. 

Contracts are, by design, the formalization of an agreement. In order to come to terms in a contract,  both parties need to articulate their objectives of that agreement. For a contract to be complete, there  are four key elements: Mutual assent (offer, acceptance, and obligation), adequate consideration,  capacity, and legality.  

That last condition (Legality) creates the first conundrum: There are no LEGAL slavery contracts in most  countries around the world today. No matter how much you want to, you can’t sign yourself, legally,  into being someone else’s property. It’s not so much the property part, but rather, a contract cannot bind someone into doing something that’s illegal. Slavery is illegal…so, even if you are willing sign  yourself away to be someone else’s possession, the paper is meaningless in a court of law. They simply  will not recognize that agreement and it will be void. Period. 

However, many see value in contracts. The discussion today, therefore, is how can there be value in a  contract, when we all know that it’s void and unenforceable? 

We’ve already pointed out that legality is not going to happen here and I am assuming people engaging  in this type of activity are of legal age and mental state to make the agreement (Capacity / capability) … so what’s left is for the contract to articulate the terms of offer, acceptance, obligation, and  consideration. 

Power dynamics are, of course, the result of a power-transfer agreement. Power dynamics, in general  will benefit from adequate, up-front, descriptions and communications of the terms of the agreement. Both parties need to understand what is being transferred; why; and what obligations the agreement brings. 

The Pros 

We’ve all seen that the common-known terms thrown about in BDSM and D/s literature are poorly  defined and are seldom standardized. What one person means by “Dominance”, “Submission”,  “Service”, “Slavery”, “Tasks”, “Reward”, “Punishment”, etc. does not necessarily mean the same thing to  another. Anything we can do that aids in this communication and clarification is going to give the  agreement a better chance at longevity and fulfillment. When we write, we force our brains to organize  our thoughts and to clarify concepts. Using a contract to clarify terms, in detail, will help  communications. The obligations and limitations under which each partner is going to operate within  the power dynamic needs to be articulated clearly. Even if the contract isn’t legally worth the paper it’s  written on, there might be value in helping to communicate the power agreement more clearly.

Another positive aspect of writing a contract, is that they’re really fun to sign. There’s something  exciting about drafting the terms of a power dynamic, and putting one’s name on the line. We can  visualize images of the scene from “Venus in Furs”, when Wanda guided the hand of Severin as he nervously watched his name appear on their contract. The notion of formalizing the commitment, even  if it’s meaningless, is titillating. You can make an event out of the signing, complete with pomp and  circumstance, and seal the deal with a random act of kinky fun. There’s benefit to that. 

The Cons 

There are some downsides to slavery contracts: The first, and most obvious, problem occurs when  people try to rely on the contract to enforce their power dynamic. The paper is legally worthless, it’s the  commitment that matters. So, pointing to the paper for enforcement doesn’t work. Both parties know  the terms are unenforceable. Ultimately, you’re dependent on each other’s mutual commitment to the  dynamic. That’s where you need to put your focus – not on some piece of paper. 

Other problems occur when people pack so much detail into a contract, that they don’t leave room for  any flexibility or spontaneity. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I described Sean and Dave’s “The Book” that described, in detail, every interaction they were able to predict and how they agreed to handle it. They had a ceremony signing the contracts and lived by “The Book” for a while. The problem was,  situations changed, reality struck, family issues, job issues – tastes changed. The book had to be updated  to reflect the changes in their lives. It required too much energy to maintain and The Book eventually  fell out of importance. It eventually became a paperweight. 

The last problem I see, is that “consideration” can be abused. As those of you who’ve read my books and  articles already know, I try to avoid anything that will obligate me as a dominant. My sub’s job is to serve  my preferences, not the other way around. It’s not that I don’t fulfill my sub’s preferences (and respect  their limits), but I do not want to OBLIGATED by anything other than my natural responsibilities as their partner in our relationship. Contracts require “Consideration” – which technically means something of  adequate value given in return for the offer. Therefore, the dominant is obligated by the contract to  provide something in return for accepting the sub’s offer of submission. In my opinion, this can offset  the imbalance of power – particularly if the sub is requiring things that they want, that don’t serve the dominant.  

Conclusion 

I generally don’t use contracts in my dynamics – at least ones that are written down. However, I have  used them sparingly – and will sometimes recommend them for some of the couples with whom I’ve  worked, where I believe it will help. When I do, I recommend a few ground rules: 

• First: Don’t take the contract seriously. It’s a great form of communication, use it that way • Don’t think this is a binding agreement. It isn’t 

• The process of making the contract is more important than the contract itself. Consider creating  it together, even if you don’t sign it, and then throw it away 

• Don’t feel that you need to have a legitimately constructed contract. You are starting out  knowing that the contract is missing “Legality”; it can miss other aspects of proper construction  as well. For example, it doesn’t NEED to have a Consideration section. It does not need to  stipulate obligation for the dominant. The contract can be as one-sided as the power transfer

• Lastly: Keep the details at a level that helps the communication, but is also open-ended and  flexible. Don’t try to pack EVERYTHING into a contract. After working with me, Dave and Sean  re-created a contract (because that worked for them) and it was less than one page long. It  simply stated their intents and committed a clear power transfer. It did not require maintenance  and still served its purpose. They continue to live by it, today 

It’s important to communicate your vision of your dynamic and to assure your partner has a clear  understanding of what it entails to you. You might find a contract helpful in communication and  clarification of that vision. Also, it might be a fun, kinky, exercise to document your power dynamic and  sign it in ceremony; with pomp and circumstance. If you do choose to use a contract, take the commitment to each other that it documents seriously, but the contract itself is just a communication  tool – don’t make it the center of importance. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com